Jinki caught a glimpse of the military uniform out of the corner of his eye as he pulled a couple bread loaves from the big, brick fireplace. “Ah, the shipment’s almost ready. I just have to go get it from the back.”

“Mr. Lee, this isn’t about the bread order.” Jinki slid the loaves of bread from the long, wooden spatula and propped the tool against the wall with the wide side up. When he turned around, sure enough, they weren’t dressed in the usual uniform the men picking up the orders wore. He knew what those markings on their chest meant.

“No..” He whispered.

“I’m sorry, but I have to inform you that there was an avalanche during the war and Kibum Kim hadn’t reported back to base… The search for his body has been called off. He isn’t coming home.” The man was holding out a piece of parchment. Jinki could barely make himself reach out and take it from him with his shaking hands. “There’s information in there when the funeral will be, and where you can pick up his belongings. I’m sorry for your loss.”

“A funeral for what?” Jinki tried to remember to breathe. “An empty casket?”

“We’ve looked for a lot longer than we normally do.” The other man explained. “He’s been declared dead for all intensive purposes. There’s no way he made it out of it.” Jinki stumbled back, a harsh breath leaving him as his back slammed into the brick wall behind him. He couldn’t breathe. This was all some sort of sick nightmare. He’d wake up and Kibum would be lying beside him, holding him tight to try and stop the pain. His hands were shaking so much he almost ripped the paper trying to open it. Three days. The blood rushing in his ears masked the sound of the bell ringing signaling the soldiers leaving the bakery.

It was like the emotion… the loss hadn’t hit him just yet. There were no tears, only vacant space in his heart. He numbly locked the front door, flipped the sign hanging on the glass to closed, threw water on the big fire he used for baking bread and shuffled up the stairs. He fell into bed, pulling Kibum’s pillow close to his chest, and it was then surrounded by the memories of all the love they made and the smell of the man, that the tears hit him. They raked his body. His sobs hurt his throat and he bit into the pillow to try and quiet them. His fingers were almost white with how tight he was holding it, but he didn’t feel it. All he felt was the debilitating loss of the love of his life deep in his bones.

Kibum promised. He promised to return. Jinki had put all his hope into that promise, knowing Kibum always returned from his deployments. Why didn’t he ask him to step away sooner, back after the last deployment when he first got the idea to ask? Kibum would have left, he wouldn’t have been sent to war…. And he wouldn’t have died.  

Anger bubbled up in him. Guilt ripping him into tiny little pieces. He was angry at himself, angry at Kibum for not keeping his promise, angry at his King for declaring war at all, but most importantly he was angry at all the time that was ripped from him with Kibum. How dare the universe take him away.

The burning rage, the pain of losing him, and the guilt raging through him all mixed together until he saw red. It was only some time later when all the emotion drained from his body and all he felt was a big, vacant hole in his chest, did he stop and notice the destruction he caused. The closet door was ripped from the hinges, clothes were thrown everywhere, knick knacks smashed on the floor, and he just slid down the front of the bed and brought his knees to his chest as the tears fell.

Kibum was gone. No matter how hard he wanted it, Kibum wouldn’t be walking through that front door into his arms again. He was lost somewhere in the cold wasteland of the north. He wouldn’t even get to say goodbye. He mumbled, broken to pieces, “You promised… you promised.”

——-

He smoothed out the fabric of his shirt slowly for what seemed like the billionth time. He had polished his boots enough times he could probably see his reflection in them if he looked hard enough. He swallowed thickly before grabbing his hat off the bed and tugging in firmly on his head. He debated not going, for Kibum wasn’t in that casket. He wasn’t telling his loved one goodbye like many others going, but he felt that he would come to regret not having some type of closure, even if it was just burying an empty wooden box.  “It’s now or never.” He muttered before leaving his wrecked bedroom. Clutched in his hand was the parchment given to him by the soldiers a few days before and in the other were his keys. He locked the door behind him and squinted up at the sun. It was far too bright for such a dark feeling day.

A few people he passed softly gave him his condolences. He’d bow his head with a soft smile and a gentle thank you. It was strange to him so many people knew of his pain and loss. He felt so alone in it all that it seemed like there was no one else in his muddled world. When he finally made it to where he was supposed to be there were rows of wooden caskets, some surrounded by many people and others by none. He swallowed thickly as he walked through to find the one labeled with Kibum’s name and rank. When he found it he gently ran his fingers over the wood. “Wherever your final resting place is my love, I hope you’re at peace.”

The top wasn’t nailed down all the way and he managed to push the small slip of paper into the casket. The words see you again, wait for me, were scribbled out. Jinki wasn’t sure what he believed in, but he wanted to hope that wherever Kibum was he would get his message somehow.

He was just about to leave when soft trumpets could be heard and Jinki turned to see the King stepping up onto the small platform just to the west of him. “All these great men lost their lives for the war I wanted and from the bottom of my heart, I give you my condolences. If at any point you need anything from the crown, I will hear you. May the Gods grant mercy on their brave souls.”

Jinki’s hand was flat on the top of the casket, eyes closed as he said his goodbyes in hopes of getting some type of ending to the pain in his chest, when he heard the quiet voice behind him. “Excuse me, Sir… Are you Jinki Lee? The Baker on Main Street?”

When he turned standing there was a soldier with his arm in a sling and a scar from a cut healing on his forehead. “I might be. Depends on who’s asking.”

“Kibum Kim was my superior officer and he gave up his ride to safety to save me.” Jinki’s hard shell softened a little, “I never got to thank him, so I’m working on doing what he asked of me the last time we spoke.”

“And what would that be?”

“Returning a few things to you sir.” The soldier gave an unsure smile. “I couldn’t bring them with me, but I have them housed safely nearby.”

“What’s your name soldier?”

“Minho Choi.” Jinki knew he shouldn’t trust the man, but there was something in those big eyes of his that tugged at his heart.

“I’m not much for anything this morning,” Jinki sighed before looking up at him. “But come by the bakery later around dinner time with the things. I’ll treat you to something to eat.”

“Thank you,” Before Jinki could walk too far away he heard the man say, “I do wish he could have been here instead of me.”

Jinki looked back over his shoulder with a tiny smile, “I cannot say I don’t wish you were him too, but he saved you for a reason. I have to believe that reason was a good one.”

——-

Jinki heard the bell over the door jingled as he walked to put the last tray of leftover treats in the back, “I’m sorry, we’re closed for the day.”

“Oh, I-”

Jinki stopped and turned. Standing there was Minho, hand holding his hat against his stomach, “Ah, I apologize. I thought you were someone else. I’m almost finished. Mind flipping the lock for me?”

Minho nodded softly and Jinki went back to finishing up his last few things. When the soldier walked into the back Jinki was covering the leftover pastries. After a few moments, Jinki smiled softly up at him. “All done. Do you like apple or cherry pastries better?”

“Either or,” Minho flashed a smile, “Kibum would never stop talking about how good they were.”

Jinki’s face fell at the mention of Kibum and Minho quickly rushed to apologize. Jinki waved his hand, “You’re here to explain to me what happened. Hearing his name still hurts a little is all.”

“The items I have to return to you are outside,” Minho looked like a cornered animal. “I didn’t think you wanted the bigger one in here.”

“Bigger one?”

“The horse,” Minho explained. “She meant a lot to Kibum. I made sure I got her to ride home to guarantee she returned to you. Along with this.”

It was as Minho’s long fingers curled around the string over his chest that Jinki noticed the weapon along his back. It was lifted over his hand and held out hanging from his open palms. Jinki was pulled toward it like a string was tied around him. “His bow.., How…”

“He tied it on the saddle before hitting the back of the horse. Told me to return it to the Baker.”

Jinki curled his fingers around it and gave a small smile up at the man, “Thank you for finding me…. Keeping it safe. It meant a lot to him.” He grabbed the plate with their pastries on top of it, “Follow me up. We can talk in the living room area.”

He laid the bow on the table just inside the room and led Minho to sit on the couch across from the plush seat he chose to sit in. He pushed the plate closer to him with a smile. Minho took one and took a small bite. He groaned with how good it was and Jinki smiled, slightly proud. Once Minho finished it he brushed his hands off on his pants and quietly asked, “Where would you like me to start?”

“Anything.” Jinki rubbed his hands together nervously. “All they told me was there was an avalanche and… that he wasn’t found.”

“We were sent from the north, closer to the large mountains curling around the city. Everything was going as planned until we heard the drums. They were loud, booming, and then we heard the sound of the tons of snow falling from the mountain above us. Kibum called for us to fall back and he would have made it, if he hadn’t stopped to help me to safety. The city uses the drums to hold off attacking armies as a last resort. It is probably why is it the oldest city still inhabited and thriving while other more powerful peoples perished with time.”

Jinki wanted to be angry at Minho, for he was the reason Kibum wasn’t sitting there in front of him, but he couldn’t find it in himself. Kibum gave up his life to save his soldier and Jinki smiled softly as the tears fell knowing how honorable Kibum was even in death. “Thank you.”

“When I woke up I begged to go look for him.” Minho continued, “I was held back and I was taken away before the search was called off for better care. I wish I had found him.”

“You can’t change the past Minho,” Jinki sighed and gave a little smile, wiping his tears as he spoke, “You aren’t from around here are you?”

“No, I’m not.” Minho made a face, “How did you know?”

“Everyone who has grown up in this village in the last dozen years knows who I am,” Jinki laughed a little, “You looked like a lost puppy trying to find me at the service today.”

Minho looked sheepish. “I was that obvious?”

“Like a sore thumb,” Jinki studied the man for a moment, “If you need anything during your stay here, my door is always open.”

“Oh no, you don’t-”

“It would be inconsiderate of me to not take care of you after… everything.”

“Thank you.”

——

The bow was lying across the room from him on the couch, taunting him somehow. He pulled his knees to his chest and tugged his blanket tighter around his shoulders. It had been almost a month since the funeral since he buried an empty box because his lover’s body was never found under the feet of fallen snow, and since he got a small sack of belongings and the bow with it’s quiver. He knew he should put it away in the heavy, dark wooden box that Kibum always kept it when he wasn’t on duty, but he couldn’t make himself go into it. The box was somewhere he never went. It was Kibum’s, a part of him he kept to himself and Jinki wanted to respect that even now he was gone, but the bow belonged protected in the velvet interior. He stared at the bow, pain aching in his chest as memories of Kibum using the weapon, teaching him how to shoot with basic techniques. He squeezed his eyes shut and hit his head back against the wall behind him. After a deep breath, he pushed off the ground, fingers curling around the wood of the bow, and feet hitting wooden floors as he made his way into their once shared bedroom.

He stood in front of the open closet for a long time. There were clothes thrown around the room, random places on the floor where they landed, and the wooden door of the closet hanging off its hinge from the pain induced rampage he was in after receiving the news of Kibum’s passing. He softly kneeled and curled his fingers around the far edges of the box to pull it closer. He swallowed thickly as he pulled the key from around his neck, one that was in a small envelope with his name on it at the bottom of Kibum’s pack. It slid into the lock with a little wiggle, the age of the metal creaking as he unlocked it and removed it. His breathing was shaky as he opened it, the velvet soft against his fingers as the hinged squeaked open. The bow was carefully placed in the spot worn down by the weight of the weapon over the years. He then took the quiver into his hand and placed it in the spot in the curve of the box in the box. The arrows were held tightly in his other hand, the flap pulled open on the top lid, but when he went to put the arrows in his fingers brushed parchment.

Slightly confused he pulled the paper object out. It was a wax sealed envelope, his name scripted in Kibum’s hand on the back. He swallowed thickly as the arrows were dropped in their place and he sat back on his with the letter in his lap. He closed the box, pulled the lock through and click it close before grabbing the letter and climbing into the bed behind him. After a deep breath, he pulled open the wax seal and pulled open the folded parchment. Jinki tried to keep his emotions in until he at least finished the letter, but he knew as his eyes glossed over just by opening it he knew that he wouldn’t succeed in his desire.

Hello my love,

If you are reading this I have returned to you in a wooden box instead of on horseback. I am so sorry I let you down and disappointed your belief in my abilities. I need, to be honest with you and come clean, for this is my last chance to. I wrote this the morning I left just in case I never returned to you and got the chance to come clean. I knew when I left it was a death sentence. I knew that with what Our King wished me to do the chance of me being killed increased dramatically. I was sent as a pre-emptive strike, to take the attention of their archers from the north and give the main army a chance to get closer to the South and East. The North side of that castle has no cover… no chance of survival. We’re being sent to our deaths.  

I love you so much Jinki. You’ve made an orphan feel loved and given me someone to come home to. You’re my family Jinki. I’ve seen you at your best, the smiles and laughter, and you’ve brought me into your dreams. I’ve seen your worst, the tears when your father died, the anger and fights, but we always made it through. I feel like I’ve lived a full life with you even if it was just 12 years.

Before I met you I was a broken boy, a hollow being where I used to be, but you’ve touched my heart and soul, changed my goals in life to be with you.  I’ve shared so many things with you Jinki, opened up myself so clearly without boundaries in a way I never thought possible. You were the one for me. I’m so thankful I was able to have you for the time I had.

Goodbye Jinki. Please, when you think of me think of the good times. The weekends out at the cabin, me teaching you how to hold a bow, the sweet kisses shared after closing. The little things like the way you always liked to put your cold feet on my back, how my scruff tickled you when I forgot to shave, and how many tiny cupcakes you let me get away with taking.

This is goodbye for now, but one day, some far far away day, you’ll move on from this world just like I have and we will meet again.

Forever yours,

Kibum

Jinki felt shattered. He had always told himself that even though Kibum died that he died for a good reason. He died because he was loyal to his King, fighting to protect their kingdom from something the common folk didn’t have the liberty of knowing. Jinki grew up being taught to love his King, to honor his Kingdom, however, he could, and to have pride in the beauty of his home, but all of it was broken to pieces knowing the King he used to have so much respect for would send in hundred and even thousands of men to their death without blinking an eye. He sacrificed Kibum and his men like they were nothing. Jinki was full of sorrow and anger, bubbling and mixing in his stomach until he felt sick. His fingers curled around the letter tightly as he hissed. He felt like he couldn’t breathe. He lost Kibum and his respect for his Kingdom. What more did he have left?”

——-

Minho was sitting on the steps leading up to the living area above the shop nibbling on a piece of bread as Jinki made more bread early in the morning when he was told by the baker of the letter. “The King sent you up there expecting you all to die.”

The soldier made a face, “I don’t think that’s true.”

Jinki pointed to the crumpled letter he tried to smooth out on the table near Minho. “It’s all there. Kibum knew going in he had very little chance of coming home to me.”

Hesitantly he pulled the letter into his hands and opened it. He softly gasped as he read, “Jinki this… This is extremely personal. Are you sure you want me to keep reading this?”

He smiled over at Minho. “You’re the only real friend I have. I feel we’ve gotten close in the last month or so.”

Minho melted at the words and then continued to read. He frowned deeply at the word confirming what Jinki had told him. “I can’t believe- If he knew why did he go?”

“He was ordered.” Jinki made a little noise as he smiled sadly, “And he always did as his duty asked of him.”

After a moment Minho folded the letter and softly asked, “Would you like help?”

“Do you have any idea what I’m doing?”

“No, not really.” Jinki laughed at him and Minho beamed, “But I’m willing to learn.”

Jinki seemed hesitant for a few minutes before he gave in, “Grab an apron from the hook. You can knead the rest of the dough for the next batch.”

——

Jinki had always enjoyed how closely knit his village was. Everyone seemed to know everyone, but the problem was that just meant everyone knew he had lost Kibum and every single one seemed to want to look at him with the pity he always saw in their eyes as they spewed their heartfelt condolences. Every time he felt as if he was learning to be a little bit whole again someone would remind him Kibum was gone and he’d give them a tight smile and wish it all would stop. He couldn’t spend a moment with a customer in the shop without being told they were sorry for his loss. It was like being pricked with tiny needles each time someone looked at him like he was broken. He felt as if one more look and it would be the last one he could handle.

He was walking through the market near the square looking for fresh fruit to restock at the shop when he saw the group of pups in the pen. Most of them were short haired dogs, but there was one sleeping in the back that was a foot long puff ball. The woman sitting next to the pen approached him noticing him leaning down to run his hand over the dog’s ears as the dogs jumped up to be noticed. “Are you interested in buying one Sir?”

“They’re for sale?”

“Most of them are from the same litter,” She explained before pointing to the puff ball in the back, “Except that one. He was given to me along my way here. His mother didn’t want him.”

“How much?”

“30 gold pieces.”

Jinki’s nose crinkled, but the dog was so cute. The pup’s eyes opened slowly and he looked over at him softly. Jinki felt pulled toward him. He had felt lonely, even with Minho’s friendship. He knew a dog would never replace the love of Kibum, but it was a start. He pulled his coin purse from his pocket and began to count out the money into her hand. “How about 20?”

She seemed hesitant but gave in. “Deal.” Once the money clinked into her palm she waved him on with her other hand. “He’s all yours.”

He stepped over the pen walls and walked over to the little guy to scoop him up. He was bigger now being closer, but it was obvious he was still very young. He Jinki’s chin making him chuckle. “Nice to meet you too…. Taemin.”

——-

Jinki was gently packing his bag, Taemin curled up on his bed looking at him, when Minho climbed up the steps. “Why are you closed in the middle of the afternoon?”

“I’ve had the last person looking at me like I’m made of glass and walking around me like egg shells.” He explained, he smiled a little as Minho sat down and began to pet Taemin’s ears. “Kibum’s family left him a cottage out of the village. I haven’t been since before he left, but..”

“Do you think this is the best idea? Isn’t this shop everything to you?”

“It is,” Jinki frowned at the idea of leaving the shop his father worked so hard to open. “And though I know the cottage is going to remind me so much of Kibum… I need to get away. I can’t heal properly here. I’ll be back.. I’m not leaving for good. Just for a few months.”

“You’ll let me come visit you right?”

Jinki smiled big, “Of course. As much as I love Taemin’s company, an intelligent conversation will always be welcome.”

Minho noticed the old box pulled out of the closet. “What’s that?”

“Kibum’s bow.” Jinki answered without looking, “I’m taking it with me. He showed me how to shoot with it… Hopefully, I remember enough to kill game to eat out there.”

“When are you leaving?”

“Tomorrow morning.” Jinki huffed as the bag wouldn’t pull close all the way. “Gives me enough time to give away the product I have and get rid of the ingredients that will go bad.”

Silence fell over them as Minho continued to pet Taemin and Jinki rummaged through his things to get all he needed. Minho finally spoke up again, “I think leaving will do you good. I wish you well.”

“Thank you.” Jinki let out a breath as he finished packing. “All done. Want to help me give away bread?”

“Of course.” Minho stood and stretched as his bones cracked into place. “Come Taemin.” The pup yipped happily as it bounded off the mattress. Jinki snorted.

—–

The fire was bright and warm, casting a glow across the man’s face as he poked the wood at the base. The rabbit he had killed earlier that evening was gently cooking on the metal rod just above the flickering flames. He ran his fingers over the soft fur of Taemin,  his big malamute, who was lying at his feet, enjoying the warmth of the fire after the long trek from the eastern lake that afternoon. They had been out here for almost 5 months. Minho had come a few days ago with a little milk and more tea leaves for his nightly tea. It was a pleasant visit and Jinki had needed the human contact after the 13 days since Minho’s last visit.

The sound of something approaching had his hand curling around the bow at his feet, freshly polished after his afternoon hunt for dinner. Taemin rose, a soft growl leaving him as he stepped in front of Jinki. As the faint noise got closer he rose to his feet, knocked an arrow and aimed, “Who goes there?” With the vague light, the moon and fire gave he saw a faint figure approaching, but they didn’t answer his question. “I asked who goes there.”
The voice that came from the figure made Jinki’s heart stop, “Put the bow down. I wouldn’t want to be killed with my own bow after the trek I’ve had to be here." 

Jinki swallows thickly, arrow still aimed at the center of the figure’s mass. "Show your face. The owner of this bow is dead." 

Long fingers curled around the thick fur hood and lifted it back.  Jinki gasped, stumbling from the log he was sitting on, bow clattering on the ground. Taemin looked back concerned before turning back to the figure threatening his human. "Oh but Jinki, I’m just a bit late coming home. Call the dog off.”

Jinki couldn’t breathe, but he managed to huff out, “Taemin, down.”. He felt a pressure in his chest, and he couldn’t believe his eyes.  Kibum was standing there, scruff around his jaw and his hair shaggy around his face, thick furs on his frame and a huge sack on his back. There was a bow in his hand, but it was simple and weak looking. Jinki rubbed his eyes, believing full well when he opened them again Kibum would be gone. He was just a false hope created by the pain he still hadn’t worked through. That’s what he was. Except, Kibum was still standing there, taking off the pack and a few furs. Taemin plopped back on his , obviously disliking being told to stand down. Jinki didn’t work through the fact his dog could see Kibum too, his mind and emotions were swirling around what he was seeing too much to think logically. “You’re not real. My minds making you up being alone out here for so long.”

“Jinki, I didn’t die in that avalanche. I made it out. I was recovering and I couldn’t get a letter to you…. ” When he took a step forward Jinki stumbled back. “Really look at me Jinki. I’m real. I’m here.”

“You died.” Jinki’s voice was soft, just louder than a whisper as he shook his head. “It’s been six months. I should be okay with… losing you.”

Kibum visibly broke, eyes showing his pain at seeing Jinki so distraught. “You can close your eyes, shake your head all you want as you beg for me to disappear, but I will still be standing here Jinki.”

Jinki swallowed thickly, chest rising and falling as he took a deep breath, and then he took a step toward him until he was standing a small step away from him. He slowly raised his hand until his fingers brushed the scruff on Kibum’s cheek. A ragged breath left his lips when he felt warm skin as he pushed further. “Ki.. Kibum..”

“Yes, Love,” Kibum whispered, eyes soft and glossy. “I’m sorry it took me so long to return to you.”

It was the sound of his pet name, so quietly spoken, that finally broke the so carefully held together dam. Jinki fell forward as the first sob racked his body. Kibum hurriedly wrapped his arms around Jinki, nose pressing into his hair and holding his head close to his chest to squish Jinki’s cheek against him. “I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry Love.”

——

Taemin was curled up at the end of the bed sleeping. Jinki had his head laid against Kibum’s chest as the man held him. He hadn’t let go of him since he realized it was really Kibum. Jinki’s voice was still soft and weak from the sobbing earlier, but he managed to ask with limited stutters, “How.. did you make it out?”

Kibum was rubbing Jinki’s hip as he quietly explained, “There was an enemy soldier with a kind heart that found me. Instead of taking me to his King, he snuck me into his home. He warmed me up, fed me. He took care of me. I was unconscious for so long he thought I wouldn’t make it but I pulled through.” He pressed a kiss to Jinki’s head. “His name was Jonghyun. When I could speak and be aware he informed me that he was supposed to bring me to his King, but I told him of you. Of the man I left behind who was probably being told I was dead and begged to be led out of the city.” He smiled so softly as he gazed down at Jinki. “It was the stories of you that convinced him to help me get out. I left there 3 months ago after our Kingdom had left and the dust settled. I couldn’t send a letter with the risk of being caught, so I just kept walking.”

“I thought-” Jinki’s eyes were squeezed shut as he took a deep breath. “Why did you go?”

“I was ordered to.”

“You knew it was a suicide mission.” Jinki lifted his head to stare at him, “You left promising me you’d return believing you had no chance in the world to. Why?”

“I didn’t want to let down my family’s legacy,” He cupped Jinki’s cheek, “Let down you. I would have been a coward if I had stayed against orders.”

“You could have died… I-”

“But I didn’t.” Kibum kissed him gently, giving him a soft smile, “I promised to come back to you and I did. I’m never going away from you again.”

“Promise?”

Kibum beamed, “Promise.”

—–

When Jinki woke up he thought the warmth he felt at his back and the memories of the night before were all a part of an elaborate dream, but the tickling sensation of Kibum’s scruff against his neck, the warmth of his breath as he deeply said against his hair, “Good morning Love,” Felt too real to be a dream.

He squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, thinking rapidly, its all a dream, all a dream, but when he turned around and gently pushed his fingers against Kibum’s cheekbones he felt warm skin and bone. Kibum’s eyes opened to look at him, and they were warm and soft as he asked, “Checking to see if I’m real?”

“Yes,” Jinki answered, embarrassed.

“I’m here.” He lifted his hand to push Jinki’s longer hair out of his face. “I like the longer hair. It suits you.”

Jinki ran his fingers over his scruff, “I can’t say the same about this wild man look you have going on.”

Kibum snorted. “Okay, first things first breakfast, and then you can give me a haircut.”

When Jinki kissed him Kibum laughed, “Okay, correction. Kisses, then breakfast.”

“I have almost a year of kisses to get back.”

“You’ll have all the kisses you want in the years to come, Love.”

——