in the blink of an eye, another year had passed and the nostalgia had accumulated in his heart once more, settling like a stone. it’s just loneliness, he convinced himself, but as christmas slowly creeps upon him, the same useless thoughts he has every year fill his head again and he wishes for a way to turn back time.

yifan watches his breath evaporate into the night as he waits by the lamp post, thoughts tumbling in his mind like a tumultuous storm. he averts his gaze from the couples walking around the square, arms linked and laughter merry. silently, he prays for a miracle once more, for the chance to see his face once again and share a moment under the soft lights strung around the trees.

he knows he doesn’t deserve such a luxury, but the longer he waits the stronger his conviction grows. scenarios play in his mind, ones where he knows exactly what to say to have minseok running back into his arms, ones where he never let him go, and ones where he had told him how he loved him.

the first snow falls and imbues him with a renewed sense of hope, a hope that he would find the love that existed all those years ago again.

like clockwork, a pair of boots arrive in the distance, the steady crunch of snow alerting yifan. he uncrosses his arms and stands straight, relief and anxiety gripping his heart all at the same time.

it’s minseok.

snowflakes catch on his eyelashes and yifan is in awe of how he seems to grow more beautiful every year. his fists are clenched in his coat pocket, eyes unwavering, while yifan’s arms hang limply by his sides. yifan feels his heart cracking when minseok’s eyes grow watery and all he can do is stand there stupidly, the tears running down his face seemingly blaming him for everything.

i’m so sorry, he wants to blurt, but his tongue is heavy and he can’t think of anything to say to make him stay. snow falls quietly around them and yifan’s vision swims until he can’t tell whether the droplets on his cheeks are from the snow or from himself.

yifan doesn’t know why minseok keeps coming. the year after they parted ways, a chance encounter had them bumping into each other under this very lamp post on christmas, and yifan had been so taken aback he hadn’t been able to say anything. minseok was unreadable, but yifan thought he might’ve hugged him if a friend had not come over and dragged him away.

the next year, he found himself standing in the same spot once more, alone on christmas day. he wasn’t sure what he was expecting to happen. maybe minseok would magically appear again, they’d reconcile, and yifan wouldn’t have to spend every waking moment missing him.

and just as he was about to leave, someone had caught his eye. they ran up to him, stopping a few feet away from him and panting slightly, puffing white clouds into the air. yifan gaped, thinking maybe this time around minseok would say something, but all they did was stand together until a bus arrived, taking minseok with it.

he was almost late the christmas after that, the red box sitting in his pocket weighing him down. he had played with the velvet casing the entire time, working up the courage to give it to minseok. when minseok came, he chickened out, promising himself he’d do it next year.

two years later sees the red box still sitting in his pocket.

every christmas he arrives earlier and earlier, fearing that minseok would stop coming. but he's always there, without fail, half an hour before midnight.

it might be something in the air or the way minseok is looking at him, but this time yifan thinks he’s made him wait long enough already, so he grips the box and takes a step forward. there’s so much he wants to say, but none of it makes it past his lips.

“merry christmas.”

he takes the red box out of his pocket and opens it, handing it to minseok. there’s supposed to be a ring sitting inside, matching the one he’s kept on his finger all these years, but it’s empty and yifan doesn’t understand until minseok brings his hand up to his mouth to muffle a cry and he sees the ring already on his finger.

the tears stream down minseok’s face, each one delivering a stabbing pain to yifan’s already breaking heart. he wants to ask if they’ll see each other again next year, but it would be in vain—he already knows the answer.

he doesn’t want to leave minseok again. he doesn’t want to make him wait alone under a lamp post on christmas night for the ghost of a lover, cold and still hopeful. he doesn’t want to keep hurting him.

so he closes his eyes, laughter and sorrow bubbling in his chest only to overflow and spill from his lips in a strangled noise, half joy and half despair. he shakes, bringing up an arm to put over his face, drawing in ragged breaths. he hopes minseok will live a better life, one that’s unburdened, and even though it saddens him to know he’ll not see him again for many more christmases to come, yifan lets go anyways.

he’ll see him again eventually. until then, he’ll be waiting for the first snow to deliver him his love.

Notes:

i finally did it, my first xiuris fic and my first christmas fic
yes yifan died, yes he is a ghost that couldn't move on, yes minseok knows this and that's why he keeps coming back

based off of: The First Snow (Chinese Ver.)