This was it. Their first fansign. Jinyoung couldn’t believe it had been a year already, but he also couldn’t believe it had only been a year. It was a strange feeling. He felt a pang of shame for the amount they had achieved in that year, a pang of shame for not having done better. ‘A year is nothing,’ Baekhyun or Youngbae or even Joowon sometimes said. ‘So many groups struggle in their first year, we’ll make it in time.’ It was getting harder and harder to believe that.

But today wasn’t time for such thoughts. Today was time for a fansign. Their first fansign. The first actual meeting with their fans that wasn’t with the boundary of stage lights and camera crews between them. It was a meager affair, held at a university plaza with barely any security or lines, but Jinyoung could fill in the blanks all too easily.

He closed his eyes and pictured the scene. First of all there would have to be walls, the successful didn't just have fansigns in the open, with fans dying for a spot at the fansign, the ones who did make it would had to feel part of something exclusive, something special. Then there would be a podium with tables set up, staff behind each of them to ensure the safety of the artists as they smiled and conversed with their adoring fans, getting many a thoughtful gift. The fans would be cute girls of course, and they would adore him.

That's what he imagined it to be. When he opened his eyes there were still the miserable picnic tables, the noisy and public university grounds, and the table with albums for sale manned by what Jinyoung was pretty sure was a trainee not getting paid for this.

But he could see it.  He could imagine it.  

Joowon was talking to Seokmin about something. He looked tense, but for once Jinyoung didn't want to let his mood come down. No matter who came, they would be talking to their fans. No matter how many there were.

Next to him Seunghoon looked nervously at the tables. “Are you okay?” Jinyoung asked.

Seunghoon was startled out of his thoughts. “Eh, yeah. I'm fine.”

Youngbae and Baekhyun were chatting with Chanhee while Wonwoo kept himself aside. Jinyoung thought he could see him listening in on Joowon, but with that guy he could have just as easily been thinking about god knew what. Jinyoung had to admit he forgot the guy was there sometimes.

There was some people milling about already, curious onlookers unsure of what was going on mostly. Students who’d been on their way to class and distracted by the tables and the sound equipment. A few girls with CD’s giving Jinyoung a glimmer of hope. Had they just bought them from the trainee dude or had they looked forward to meeting their idols for days now?

Joowon disengaged from Seokmin, as the manager went to talk to some other guys. Neither of them looked very happy.

“Did he ever say why we’re doing it now?” Wonwoo asked as Joowon walked back up to them. “Wasn’t this supposed to be for our anniversary? That’s not for a month yet.”

“The university has some kind of career fair at that time and they had to reschedule,” Joowon said. “So our ‘anniversary’ fansign was pushed back. But we’re lucky they agreed to let us do this fansign at all so there’s no discussion there.”

“It’s not like we’re going to be any less nugu in three weeks anyway,” Chanhee said lightly. “Why wait?”

“Not exactly the attitude I was hoping for,” Joowon admonished.

Chanhee grinned. “I’m the hero you need, but not the one you deserve right now.”

Wonwoo laughed. “We should never have let him watch Batman with us. It’s the other way around too.”

Chanhee wiggled his eyebrows. “I know what I said.”

“Are you guys ready to meet our mountains of fans?” Joowon asked.

“I do hope they upped their security,” Wonwoo said. “Because they’re… gonna storm us… like crazy fans?”

Joowon pat his shoulder. “You tried my child, you’re learning and I’m proud of you.”

Seokmin came back from talking to one of the university staff on hand and clapped his hands. “Come on guys, places, let's get this started!”

They’d discussed the whole day in the morning. First they would perform their songs, all the ones that they had performances for. Then they would sit down and sign albums and talk to the fans, depending on how many there would still be. Still, more and more people were filtering and surrounding them, maybe 100 or 200 in all. Many of them were holding CDs out just so that they could spot them. There were even a few signs! Signs with AEON on them in neon letters on black foam, a few signs with Woosu, some with Bae, a sign here and there for Primo and Bigeul and June. And there, yes there, a single foam sign with bright red letters that read Seojin. His name.

His fan.

They lined up on the stage and bowed to the audience before introducing themselves with the carefully and practiced phrase, “Here for eternity, we are Aeon!” A weak phrase, but they hadn’t been able to come up with anything better, and the company’s marketing department hadn’t been any help on the matter either so it would have to do. And oh it did. The part of the crowd that was their fan, the part of the crowd that had travelled here with the express purpose of meeting them, that part of the crowd screaming as they finished their individual introductions and waved and thanked everyone for coming out to see them.

It was all fairly shabbily put together. They had a backdrop with some university iconography on it, something Jinyoung was sure was used anytime they sponsored an event like this -  were they even sponsoring it or was Helix lucky to be allowed to come here? He made a mental note to ask Joowon if they were actually getting paid for this - and the big speakers and microphones that would function as their sound system. Otherwise anyone could come see what they were doing. He supposed that was the idea here, to attract as many curious bystanders as possible. Though Jinyoung didn’t like it very much. It felt too open, too much like they were some penniless band performing in Hongdae for any spare change.

The sound was terrible. The ground was hard on their feet and legs. He felt the impact of the stone street on his knees when they performed The Chaser just as he winced at the scratchy sound coming from the speakers. It didn’t matter. With every song they performed, more people stopped to watch. They took out their phones and filmed and Jinyoung felt alive. This was amazing! Performing on music shows, everything had been dark and sweaty and bright lights shining in his eyes as the music coming from his inner ears drowned out any fanchants the audience might have been shouting.

This was much more intimate. He could see each and every part of the audience. He could see when the grinned, when he lost them, when they stared in awe. Saw some shudder at Seunghoon’s bridge in Paradise, saw some faces light up at his key change in The Chaser, saw them visibly get pumped during the last bit of Wow. Suddenly everything just fell into place. The fans that had been vague faces or abstract people seen only through anonymous comments took human form.

Jinyoung felt alive.

Sure, there were some people in the audience who left halfway through, he imaged that either they had classes to go to or they just had bad taste in music, but for as many people who left halfway through, as many stayed and watched them (of course there were also the people who didn’t stop and listen at all, but Jinyoung was pointedly ignoring those).

Every note he crooned out, he sang for them. For the ones who stayed. The ones who watched and gasped and grinned and shuddered. For the tiny black eyes of the phone cameras that taped this performance for posterity. Every limb moved sharply to the beat, every foot that stepped in-sync with the others, every body roll and hip was for them.

When the final song came to an end Jinyoung was exhausted and sweaty and he hadn’t felt this good in a long time. The applause was the most beautiful thing he had ever heard.

“Did you see that?” he asked Seunghoon discreetly while they got ready to answer any questions from the crowd. “Did you see the way they looked at us?”

Seunghoon looked at him strangely. “See what? They were just watching?”

Jinyoung shook his head. “No it was more than that. They saw us, they felt us.”

“Okay then.” Seunghoon sounded highly skeptical.

The crowd got to ask questions next, Jinyoung just stepped back and let the others handle it. Chanhee and Joowon were like naturals, engaging with the audience and being interesting.  Jinyoung was asked about his singing once and he stumbled all over his words.  Stupid, it was stupid. He knew about singing, he knew exactly what he should have said, but right then and there he felt like a deer in the headlights.

Why couldn't he just engage with those people? He loved every second of attention he got, every scream and every smile and every cellphone camera. Why couldn't he bask in that spotlight like Chanhee or Joowon did? Those two were in their element, shooting joke after joke at the audience, perfectly playing off each other. Chanhee proclaimed the audience’s superior taste and praised whoever pointed at him as their bias, swiftly dismissing the very notion that anyone could prefer one of their group mates over him, while Joowon smoothed things over the times Chanhee went a little too far with a quick quip putting him back in place. It was the perfect comedic duo. Even Baekhyun was having a good time, smiling and laughing freely at all of the attention as well. He almost felt offended at that very fact, how dare Baekhyun of all people be more competent at this whole idol thing than he was? The guy could barely sing!

He felt a little like a bystander during their own event, though he had to admit that his heart swelled with every compliment.

Before he knew it Seokmin started waving people into the line, after shooing them at the shabby unfoldable plastic tables, and the line actually decently filled up. They were supposed to be seated by age, though Seunghoon made his sad puppy eyes at Chanhee and Wonwoo until he was seated next to Jinyoung. Jinyoung laughed about it all, Seunghoon looked innocent but he had a way of getting his way one pathetic look at a time. It was endearing and very convenient. Sitting sandwiched between Wonwoo and Baekhyun for hours wasn't exactly Jinyoung’s idea of a good time.

The signing proved easier than the Q&A, at least. It was mostly just sit there and smile and thank them for their time and love. There wasn't much he could do wrong with that, though he stuttered his way past a few thank yous.

One girl came up to him already red as a button. She was cute though kind of plain, with big round glasses on her face and a little chubbier than she should be, a spray of freckles marring her face. She looked at him expectantly. “H-hello?” Jinyoung said, not entirely sure how to talk to her.

She just blushed a deeper shade of red and all but pushed the album into his face. “S-s-sorry.”

Jinyoung put the album down in front of him and opened it up to find his own pages in the photo booklet. “Who should I make it out to?” . Joowon or Chanhee would know immediately how to talk to her, how to get her to calm down a little and maybe hold a little conversation with her. Jinyoung? God, he had no idea.

“Eh. Ehm.” She stammered, at a loss for words. “Kim Soojin, please.” She did a hasty little bow, and in the movement the flap of her messenger back flipped back just enough for Jinyoung to catch a glimpse of the black foam board with red letters. His red letters.

She was his fan!

He had to talk to her, to engage her. She was his fan! She loved him! He struggled to find the words, to find anything at all to mention. “So.. ehm… you were the one who made a sign for me?”

She nodded so vigorously her glasses bopped up and down on her nose, which was kind of cute. He was a little disappointed that his fan couldn’t be one of the really pretty girls that had already come by, but this dumpy little thing was still his fan, that’s what mattered. “You’re- ehm- you’re really pretty and a really good singer and it’s so amazing to meet you.” She shot the words out like a machine gun, one after the other, like she’d tried hard to memorize the words and in her nerves all she could do was shot the syllables at him.

“It’s, eh, nice to meet you too,” was all Jinyoung could think to say. He looked at the paper. He ought to write something amazing. Something one of a kind. Something to really show her how much she meant to him.

.

His pen hovered just above the actual page. He was well aware that she was looking at him expectantly. She was looking at him to sign her photo book with something that will never make her forget this moment ever. He wished he could flip through the pages and see what the others had written, just to get inspiration not to copy them. Just so he got an idea of what he should do, of what those much cleverer than him had been doing. But that would look silly, it would look like he didn’t know what he was doing. Of course he didn’t know what he was doing, but he could actually seem like he didn’t know what he was doing.

He was vaguely aware that there was a line of one other fan waiting for him to finish with this girl so he could sign hers. He was also vaguely aware at the impatience of the girl currently getting her booklet signed by Seunghoon, of how she kept throwing glances his way.

He was going to hold everyone up. He had to do something. Then it came to him. It probably wasn’t clever. It probably wasn’t anything amazing and witty and perfect like some of the others might write. It was even embarrassingly cheesy, and he felt himself blush a little as he was writing it down out of sheer embarrassment. It was something.

To my very first fan Kim Soojin, you will always be my #1.

With some flourishes he signed his name underneath and passed the book back to her. Her face lit up when she read what he’d just written. She bowed so deeply he thought she was going to hit the table with her forehead. “Thank you so much!”

“Be sure to come back next time!” Jinyoung said, echoing what he’d heard Joowon say from the other side of the podium in that booming voice of his.

She nodded again as her glasses held on to her nose for dear life. “I will! I promise!”

She left and another fan came and the same old awkward circle continued, but nothing was quite as amazing as that moment just now. Some fans told him they loved his voice. Some fans told him they loved his face. Some hardly talked at all, having come for someone else in the group specifically. Some people had obviously just bought an album because there was a fansigning here so why not? Jinyoung was terrible at talking to absolutely every one of them, but it still felt good.

Nothing, however, absolutely nothing could compare to his fan.

The rest of the event went by in a blur. Afterwards, Kim Soojin was the only name he actually remembered, the only face he actually remembered. He had no idea how many times he’d signed the same ‘thank you for your support’ next to angsty photos of himself. He was sure the others might have written nice personalized messages to each and every one of the fans, but Jinyoung just kept blanking as soon as they looked at his face expectantly. Kept blanking with his marker hovering above the page, and then the same old basic thank you came out every time. Even the few times when someone asked him to write them something specific he felt he’d failed there too.

There were mixed feelings when they filtered back into the van after helping Seokmin and the trainee put away the leftover boxes of CDs (something real stars probably didn’t have to do). It was like a wave of validation had crashed through him, and that felt great! But he felt like he hadn’t been able to return that validation to the faces that expectantly looked at him to do something, anything better than he was actually capable of doing. It took a big chunk of his good mood away.

“Did you see the amount of fans we had?” Baekhyun said with wide eyes. Jinyoung refrained from pointing out how this was nothing compared to the fansigns of the those who were actually successful.

“I expected much less to actually turn up,” Wonwoo said. “That was really great.” That was true. It was easy to look at the sales numbers or number in the charts or handful of fans at the music shows and feel like there was nobody listening to them at all.

“Good to know we’re not doing this for nothing isn’t it?” Chanhee grinned and slung his arms around Joowon and Wonwoo, the unfortunate victims who happened to be sitting on either side of him in the van.

“Language, Chanhee,” Seokmin chided.

“We’re in the van!”

“That’s how habits are formed and you know it.”

“We should go for drinks!” Seunghoon said. “To celebrate!”

“Now that Baekhyun is legal we can all go to a bar.” Youngbae was immediately excited, turned around in his front seat.

“You’re recording your new songs in 2 days,” Seokmin said. “You should be practicing.”

A wicked grin bloomed on Joowon’s face. “How about we show our manager hyung how well we know our song?”

Joowon clapped to the rhythm and pointed at Jinyoung, who confusedly launched into his opening lines of Standing Still. He was impressed with himself that he managed to still hit the notes with minimal warning.

They ran through their song acapella, more shouting than singing, and even Seokmin burst out laughing when Joowon launched into the most overdramatic rap he’d ever done.

“Okay! Okay!” Seokmin shouted over the noise. “I get it, you know the song, please spare me! No bar, but we’ll grab some soju on the way and drink in the dorm.”

Cheers erupted in the van, and Jinyoung was pulled along after much poking in the ribs by Seunghoon. After two short stops (during which Seokmin bought soju and chicken while the others waiting in the car) they pulled into the driveway of the dorm and brought everything inside.

“Aren’t you coming too?” Wonwoo asked, when Seokmin stood poised to leave.

“I was just going to go home tonight,” Seokmin said. “You have no schedule tomorrow…”

“Unacceptable,” Joowon said. “Remember what you said last month? If our failures are yours too, then so are our successes.” Did he have to put it that way? Did he have to mention the failures?

“Please?” Wonwoo added. “It would be nice to include you, hyung.”

“Alright. Alright. I can tell when I’m being overruled,” Seokmin said with a sheepish laugh. He got out of the car and joined them inside.
They settled around the table, poured soju, and spent the rest of the evening getting drunk and talking about the fansign. Baekhyun gushed about everything. Youngbae talked about someone who’d been his fan and his alone. Joowon told some long-winded story about this student who had stumbled onto the fansign and decided to just get a signed album out of it, and how he’d told her to seek them out when they were famous, writing a ‘redeem when famous for free high five’ coupon on his photo page. Jinyoung told his own story about Soojin. Even Chanhee was positive about the whole experience, bragging about the amount of people who’d singled him out as their bias.

“Look at you, mister popular,” Joowon goaded him. “You didn’t want to be a part of this group in the first place and now you’re pulling in all the ladies, smooth talker you.”

“I can’t help it,” Chanhee did a dramatic hair flip. “I’m just that great, and our fans obviously have great taste.” They were all a little tipsy at some point, and Chanhee’s hair flip looked a lot less suave than he doubtlessly thought it had.

Jinyoung would get there someday, to the mountains of fans and adoration and praise. He’d have to. He took another sip of his soju. He was the one taking it the slowest, he thought. He was still feeling that tug in the pit of his stomach, the dark disappointments were twisting around the good memories and he didn’t feel as festive as the others.

He notices that Baekhyun was hardly touching his alcohol too. Maybe it was because he hadn’t drank a lot before? The underage thing hadn’t stopped the guys from dragging him along on drinking nights where his reluctance had made sense, but now he was actually legal he was still not much for alcohol it seemed. Jinyoung wondered what was wrong with him. The others around the table were various levels of drunk, from very smashed (Youngbae and Chanhee), to getting there (Joowon and Seokmin), to noticeably looser than normal (Seunghoon and Wonwoo).

“Did you see the two male fans?” Youngbae asked. “I didn’t think we’d have any!”

Seunghoon laughed. “We all signed for the same fans hyung, we saw them. It’s cool that we’ve got some male fans too, even if there’s just two of them.”

“Not even men can resist my charms,” Chanhee said without missing a beat.

Joowon gave him a light smack on the head. “Down, boy.” They all laughed at Chanhee’s expression, even Seokmin.

“I’m proud of all of you,” Seokmin said, not even the least drunk out of all of them. “You should have had a day like this way sooner!”

“We should have,” Jinyoung agreed. “Did you sell a lot of albums?” He couldn’t help himself, he had to know if they’d done well. If any of this had mattered for them in any way.

“A fair amount,” Seokmin said. “A good amount. I’m not unhappy with the turnout. You did great, did I tell you that you did great?”

Joowon patted his shoulder. “You did hyung. You did. And we did.”

“A cheers!” Youngbae called out. Jinyoung was pretty sure he was drunkest of all. Youngbae raised his glass, spilling half the contents all over the table. “To us!”

“To us!” The others raised their glass as well, and Jinyoung joined in. One did not simply deny a toast, no matter how weird one felt. The soju burnt his throat as he took his sip, a good burn. Always a good burn.

“To hard work and bright futures!” Joowon added, and they clinked glasses again.

“To our fans for having the best taste in the country!” Chanhee offered, and again glasses clinked and soju flew everywhere. Jinyoung was pretty sure there was nothing actually left in Youngbae’s glass.

“To every victory, big or small,” Seokmin added for a final toast and Jinyoung threw back the last contents in the shot glass.

“More!” Youngbae caleld out.

“I think that’s enough for today,” Seokmin said, and started gathering the empty glasses clumsily. “We all have work tomorrow.”

“No fun,” Youngbae complained.

“There there,” Baekhyun says. “We’ll have plenty more to celebrate in the future, hyung.”

“Let’s…. Bed….” Seunghoon tried to get up, but he was apparently more drunk than Jinyoung had thought, and he had to reach out and stabilize the older guy before he crashed right back down. Jinyoung felt the booze work as soon as he did too, maybe he’d had more to drink than he thought.

He helped Seunghoon into the bedroom and all but tucked him into the futon still nestled on the ground between the beds before turning in himself. He still wasn’t sure how he felt, he still didn’t quite know what the pit in his stomach was doing.

He knew one thing though, as the snores of Baekhyun filled the room and the exhaustion and alcohol pulled him towards the realm of sleep. He wasn’t going to forget the name Kim Soojin for a long time to come.

Ever since they had received their new song, there’d been so much tension in the group. Seunghoon didn’t like it one bit. He personally didn’t think the song was all that bad, in fact he kinda liked it, he didn’t really get why Joowon’s mood dropped whenever he heard it, or why Jinyoung kept staring at the clock on the wall during practice. Even Youngbae wasn’t feeling it, though that could also be because he kept stumbling over his English rap lines while Wonwoo and Chanhee tried to teach him proper pronunciation.

Either way, the tension was still there while he made his way to the recording studio with Jinyoung, Chanhee, Baekhyun, and Wonwoo (the rappers would be joining their session later, after more practice). “Do you think this was written by the same composer as before?” Seunghoon asked, mostly to make conversation, though he did hope it was a little bit. That guy had liked his voice a lot and it had felt really good. Jinyoung was still much better of course, but he was starting to think that maybe he could make a decent enough second main vocalist.

“I don’t know,” Jinyoung said. “It sounds different.”

“Wouldn’t it make sense for them to try something else when the previous composer wasn’t working out?” Wonwoo wondered.

“The Chaser was doing better though,” Chanhee countered.

“How do they expect us to keep any fans if we keep flipping through sounds and concepts?” Jinyoung wondered. “It’s pretty dumb if you ask me. We should be consistent so we can carve out a niche.”

Chanhee laughed. “Someone’s been talking to Joowon hyung.”

“Well, it’s true!”

“Hyung would probably say something like,” Wonwoo lowered his voice dramatically. “‘no use speculating about it now, we have to work with what we’ve got.’”

Baekhyun burst out laughing. “He doesn’t sound like that at all!”

“I don’t know, he sounds a little bit like that,” Seunghoon said with a grin.

Chanhee pitched his voice low too. “‘This song is such a work of art, with the rare piccolo flute perfectly mixing with the Chinese bagpipes to create pianissimo of harmonious convergence.’”

He couldn’t breathe, he was laughing so hard. “That’s not even-”

Even Jinyoung was laughing. “Why is Joowon’s voice suddenly two octaves lower?!”

Just like that, the tension was gone, and Seunghoon was feeling mighty good about himself for making it happen. He nudged Jinyoung. “You ready to show us all how it’s done, Jin? You’re gonna have to carry the song this time.” Jinyoung had the most lines, as well as the opening and the , it was definitely his song, though Seunghoon had a respectable amount of lines too. He really did quite like the song.

That seemed to have done the trick, Jinyoung seemed to cheer up a little. “Yeah. Yeah I do.”

When they got to the studio, the guy behind the buttons was definitely not the same one as before. This was a young guy, probably around Seunghoon’s age, who met them with a big grin. A guitar was deposited next to him, though Seunghoon couldn’t think of a reason why one might need a guitar for a vocal recording session. “Yo!” the guy said cheerfully. “Lee Doha, at your service.”

“Are you the one who made the song?” Wonwoo wondered.

“Nah, I’m just working as an intern at Helix, I don’t get to do any of the cool stuff. The composer’s involvement stopped at the delivery of the song,” this Doha said cheerfully. “I’m here to make sure you sound decent enough, and then some other guys edit the song into perfection. If we’re lucky and they’re competent.”

Chanhee grinned. “I like this guy.”

Doha grinned back. “This guy likes you too. Now come on, who’s up first? How about one of the mains, so we can get the groundwork over with?”

Seunghoon wasn’t sure how he ended up being picked over Jinyoung to start first (it wasn’t a big deal, but whenever Seunghoon thought of the main, it was Jinyoung he’d thought of first.), something about a nudge from Chanhee and a nod from the intern and here he was.

“What was your name?” The intern asked from the other side of the glass.

“Kim Seunghoon.”

“Alright Seunghoon, run through the song once like you practice and I’ll give you directions where something is missing.”

The recording process went quite smoothly. All of his worries had vanished when the intern was practically glowing as Seunghoon sang his last notes. He had very little direction for him, only asked him to sing through it twice more in case the arranger wanted some variety, and that was it.

“You have a nice voice,” The intern said as Seunghoon exited the booth. “You did a good job.”

Seunghoon’s chest swelled with pride, he couldn’t suppress a smile as he sat back down next to Jinyoung. The other vocalist nudged him and gave him a thumbs up and Seunghoon’s smile widened. He hadn’t felt so good about his singing since that single fan had told him she’d liked his voice at the fansign. Sure, she’d gone over to Jinyoung and fawned over his voice and face and everything much more than she’d liked Seunghoon, but it was still a compliment that he’d locked away somewhere to never forget again. And now… eh… the intern (whoops, what was his name again?) and Jinyoung were complimenting him too! Maybe this song wouldn’t be so bad after all?

Chanhee was next, and even though he really wasn’t singing very well at all, the intern remained positive and encouraging. Seunghoon liked that, it made the whole thing so much less frustrating. He’d been in recording sessions where Chanhee continuously butted heads with exasperated audio technicians or composers and this was much better.

He fidgeted while Chanhee sang. It was always so hard not to start talking, there was so much to talk about! But recording rules were recording rules, and the room was to remain quiet while recording was in place. He wanted to chat to Jinyoung about the recording or how he’d done, or maybe talk more about the fansign. None of them had shut up about it since it happened.

“Good job, that’s all we need for now,” the intern said, and Chanhee came back out of the booth in no time. He hadn’t really done a good job, Seunghoon thought, but he knew the mixing would mask that. Chanhee just plopped himself back onto the couch. The intern pointed at Jinyoung. “You’re up next, you’re the other main vocal right?”

“Yup,” Jinyoung said. “That’s me.”

The intern leaned back in his chair and faced them while Jinyoung got into the booth. “Hey, any of you fancy going for a coffee run? The machine stuff here should be ashamed to be associated with coffee at all and this is going to be a long day for all of us. It’ll be my treat!”

Seunghoon glanced at Chanhee. He’d be lying if he didn’t feel antsy and cooped up in the studio. It was true, they were recording the second song too and they’d be cooped in here for a while. Chanhee shrugged back. “We’ll go, no biggie.”

“Should I go too?” Baekhyun asked.

“No no, you still have to record,” the intern said. “Are you two going to manage?”

“I’m not sure,” Chanhee said, the hint of a smirk already on his face. “I think we might get mobbed by fans on the way.”

The intern laughed. “If you don’t return, know your sacrifice will not be forgotten.”

Chanhee nodded solemnly. “Coffee is worth it.”

“Coffee is worth it,” the intern agreed.

“Come on Hoonie,” Chanhee all but pulled Seunghoon along, he only barely had time to wave goodbye to a dejected looking Jinyoung on the other side of the glass.

“Do you actually know the area?” He asked when they’d made it outside of the building. They were in an area of Seoul Seunghoon wasn’t quite familiar with. Though, really, as long as he’d lived in the big city, he couldn’t say he felt all that familiar anywhere but around their dorm or the company. Even then he still got lost sometimes.

“I do not,” Chanhee said, looking around. “But how hard can it be to find a cafe?”

Hard, apparently.

The recording studio was in some alleys off from Cheonggyecheon, most of which contained office spaces and the occasional restaurant or mini mart. They found a starbucks but Chanhee had vetoed that immediately. “We’re look for real coffee, Hoonie,” he’d said.

“Are you sure you’re not just stalling?”

“I’ll never admit to it. Not even under torture,” Chanhee added dramatically.

“What’s that sound?” Seunghoon asked. There was music coming from loudspeakers somewhere, it sounded like some sort of festival.

“I don’t know, but I’m just itching to find out.” Chanhee grinned. “Come on!” He pushed forward with Seunghoon right behind him, pushing through an increasingly thicker throng of people the nearer they got to the noise.

“Do you think it’s some sort of culture festival?” Seunghoon wondered. He’d heard those happened in the city often, and there were quite a few people, but also not enough for it to be a really important thing. A more niche thing then?

“Cultural festivals don’t usually play Into the New World,” Chanhee answered, raising his voice to be heard over the sound of the Girl’s Generation song coming from a sound system somewhere. “Unless we’ve stumbled onto a guerrilla concert of the queens themselves, and we won’t want to miss that.” Chanhee pushed further through the people, bold enough to worm his way to the front of the small crowd, and Seunghoon followed in his path.

In front of them seemed to be some kind of march, though the atmosphere was festive. There were some floats, decked out in rainbows, with people dancing and singing along to the music on top of them. There was even a big rainbow flag being carried by an array of marchers. A lot of the people in the march wore facemasks, sunglasses, or red ribbons around their wrist. There were some signs being held up as well, thought Seunghoon couldn’t really make out what they were saying. “What is it?”

Chanhee’s grin widened. “Why, I think it’s a pride march!”

“A what?”

“You know, when gay people go out and show the world that they exist,” Chanhee explained. “I heard about it back in Hong Kong, one of the international students talked about it, but I didn’t think I’d see one in Korea.”

“Gay people?”

“Eh, yeah. You know, men who love men, women who love women?”

“Why does there have to be a march for that?” Seunghoon was confused. He loved Jinyoung and the others in the group, they were good friends. That wasn’t weird was it?

“No no, not in the way you’re thinking.” Chanhee looked at him for a moment like he couldn’t believe they were having this conversation. “You know, homouals, when two men or two women love each other romantically. Like men and women usually do. That sort of thing.”

Wait but, that didn’t happen, did it? That wasn’t a thing. Men and women loved each other, what would be the point of two men loving each other like that? Oh wait! He had heard of this once, in one of the American shows his cousin had watched once, before her mother had found out and switched the channel. “But,” Seunghoon frowned. “Isn’t that just something that happens to foreigners? Koreans can’t be gay.”

Chanhee looked at him like he was crazy. “Of course Koreans can be gay.” He gestured at the marchers, a mix of Koreans and foreigners. “Those Koreans are gay.” Just then a group of older women came around the corner, each wearing a red ribbon. They held up a big sign that said ‘The Lesbos’. Chanhee grinned at the sight. “Those Koreans are very gay.”

“I wish I still had my phone with me,” Chanhee lamented. “It would’ve been cool to take some photos and show the guys.”

A guy who’d been handing out flyers to the crowd looked their way. “No photos,” he said. “Especially not of those wearing red ribbons.”

“Right. I’m sorry,” Chanhee said. “I wasn’t thinking about the repercussions.”

“What repercussions?” Seunghoon felt like such a fish out of the water, everything was weird.

“There are probably all sorts of repercussions about being recognized here,” Chanhee said. “I don’t think they can be free about that sort of thing, but I’m not sure. I’m not one, after all.”

Seunghoon thought about how angry his aunt had been when his cousin had been watching that American show. “But isn’t that unnatural? It doesn’t make sense. Men and women are supposed to make a family together, but how can a homoual make a family? It goes against nature.”

“I guess,” Chanhee said. “But I’m sure that’s their own business and concerns. We still shouldn’t single them out for it. Nobody should be singled out for anything outside of their control, not something harmless anyway.”

He guessed, but it was still weird and unnatural to him. He was trying to make sense of it all but it was difficult. “So these homouals,” Seunghoon said, trying to puzzle the whole thing out. “Do they want to be women, to be with men?”

Chanhee snorted. “No, they just like men as men. Or women as women. It’s really not that hard to figure out you . There are some stands in the park over there, I think, do you want to go take a look?”

Seunghoon’s eyes widened. “We’re idols, we shouldn’t even be seen here, right?”

“Well, no we shouldn’t, but who’s going to recognize us?” Chanhee said with a shrug, twinge of bitterness there..“I think we can risk it.” Without warning he pushed past the people and entered the festival compound, some sort of exhibition park. Seunghoon had no choice but to follow, gawking at the people around him and feeling so far out of his comfort zone. They shouldn’t be there. It didn’t matter that they were wearing their shabby training clothes, that they were so nugu nobody would even recognize them, that photos were prohibited. They shouldn’t be there.

Inside the park, things were a lot calmer. There was still music here and there, and people laughing and having fun, but people just milled about and talked and looked at the various stalls. There was a free face painting one, where a woman had offered to paint a rainbow on his cheek and Seunghoon had quickly and not very gently declined. Another stall sold rainbow cupcakes, and his stomach growled. Seokmin would have his hide for the breach of diet. Most of the stalls had pamphlets and people eager to talk behind them, and Seunghoon avoided their gaze. In the back was a podium, with a promise that more performances would follow after the march. “Why the rainbows?”

“I have no idea why, but they’re a symbol for homouals,” Chanhee said, accepting a pamphlet from a young man behind a stall. He was wearing a tight shirt showing off his biceps, and Seunghoon was slightly envious of his muscles. Chanhee struck up a conversation with the man and Seunghoon was left awkwardly standing to the side, trying to avoid anyone’s eyes and fade into the scenery. He couldn’t help glancing around him, it was all so weird. So alien. He felt almost guilty for staring.

Two men kissed behind one of the stalls. It was a conservative thing, a peck at most, and it looked so natural for such an unnatural thing. Seunghoon felt a pull, a want, as much as he felt aversion. There was such affection there, he almost wanted to be in their place, but that was silly. He just wanted to be kissed, he thought. He’d never really felt any attraction to girls, and he was starting to think maybe he’d never get to kiss one, even if the idol thing fell apart. He probably just wanted that kind of affection, even if it was weird coming from two men. Even if it looked unnatural.

He glanced over to Chanhee, who was still talking to the man, just asking about how the event had been. Seunghoon looked at the guy behind the stall again, the one with the muscles. He really did have a nice body. He probably worked out a lot, more than Seunghoon was willing to. He was handsome too. Seunghoon wondered what-

What. No. What? Seunghoon quickly tore his eyes as away and looked pointedly at the skyscrapers in the distance. What kind of weird intrusive thought had that been? The guy had a nice body, but that was just because Seunghoon was envious of it, he admired it, but he wasn’t enjoying it. It wasn’t anything like that. It wasn’t like he wondered what it would feel like to have those arms around him.

No. No no no. That wasn’t a thing. Koreans weren’t homoual. That would be crazy and unnatural and terrible, so it just wasn’t true. It couldn’t be true, and so even though it looked like it might be true because it was impossible to be true it would not be true.

But Koreans were homoual. This Korean in front of him was. If this Korean was, then other Koreans could be as well. He wasn’t sure how to feel about that information, what to do with it, how it fit into his world view.

“Eh, Hoon?” Chanhee waved a hand in front of his face. “You’re staring.” What when had his eyes found their way back to him? Chanhee turned to the guy. “Sorry, he just figured out that homouality exists.”

The guy laughed. “It’s alright, I know the kind. People don’t like to think about it, but that’s what we’ve got this event for.”

Seunghoon bowed. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine. I’m just happy that people are coming here to get educated and exposed to our community. We need to show Korea that we exist, we’re people just like them, and that’s okay. Ignorance is our biggest enemy in raising awareness and fighting homophobia.”

Seunghoon tugged at Chanhee’s sleeve. “We should go. The others are waiting. We were supposed to grab coffee, remember?”

“Right!” Chanhee turned back to the guy. “Do you know a place around here where we can get good coffee?”

“Oh hell yeah.” The guy drew out a map on the back of a pamphlet to what he assured them was the best coffee in this part of town.

Chanhee grinned as he pocketed the pamphlet and waved at the guy. “It was nice to meet you, good luck and we’ll be on our way.”

The rest of the way home Seunghoon was quiet, pulled deep into his own thoughts. He’d never ever considered homouality as a thing that existed. Certainly nothing of the sort existed in his little farm town, or everyone would know about it. He’d never even considered it a possibility, though he’d vaguely been aware that it was something in foreign countries, but only the vaguest of awareness.

To see it so close and so real and so Korean, it was like a bubble had burst, like layers had been peeled away that he didn’t want peeled, that he hadn’t even known he had. It didn’t feel good.

“What’s up with you?” Chanhee asked, when they’d made it to the cafe. “You haven’t said a word since we left the Queer Culture Festival.”

“Nothing,” Seunghoon said quickly. “Nothing at all.” He wiped his palms on his jeans. Act natural. Act like nothing was wrong. After all, nothing was wrong at all. Nothing was happening. He was normal, he had to be normal, oh god he had to be normal. Just act normal. “I’m fine.”

Chanhee rolled his eyes. “If you say so. Look, I guess that whole pride thing was out of your ballpark, I forget sometimes that Korea can be, well, Korea about this sort of thing. Head in the sand and all that. And I guess Hong Kong wasn’t much better but there are some perks to going to an international school. But hey, you learned something today, somewhat. Just don’t be jerk about it all, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Here, hold on to this. You might learn a thing or two,” Chanhee handed him the pamphlet. Seunghoon didn’t know how quickly he should crumple it up and stuff it into his pocket. Anything to get rid of it.

Chanhee looked at the clock and whistled. “Whoops we’ve been gone for a while, the hyungs will be there by now. Best get them some coffee too.”

It was almost two hours later when they finally arrived back at the studio. As Chanhee predicted, Joowon and Youngbae were already there.

“What took you so long?” Joowon asked, eyebrows raised. “I was about to file missing person’s reports, I had this whole crying spiel planned too, even got out my lacy handkerchief, and now where has that plan gone to?”

Chanhee laughed. “We were on our way back when we ran into a pr-”

“A band that was busking!” Seunghoon interrupted quickly. “It was really good music so we listened to for a bit and forgot about the time. Sorry hyung.” Phew, that had been close. “How is the recording going?”

Chanhee gave him a questioning look but Seunghoon avoided his eyes, stuffing the crumpled pamphlet farther into his pocket.

“We just got all of the title track recording done,” the intern said, making grabby hands at the coffee until someone passed him his styrofoam cup. “Quick break and then we’ll get right into the b-side, okay guys?”

Seunghoon sat down next to Jinyoung with his coffee, his usual spot, but he couldn’t sit still. His foot kept tapping the floor as he stared at the coffee cup. It was safer that way. Just stare at the coffee cup, Hoon. He briefly registered Jinyoung asking him if he was okay, and nodding vaguely yes, but his existence was the coffee cup.

He had never been so thankful that there was no talking in the recording studio.

~*~

Late that night, when he was confident that everyone else in their room was deeply asleep, Seunghoon grabbed the pants he had stuffed under the bed as soon as they got into the dorm, dug around in the pocket, and retrieved the pamphlet. He tiptoed out of the room to the bathroom, locked the door, and sat down on the floor.

He opened the pamphlet.

And he read.

Joowon only had to take one look at the set to know: Helix had given up on them.

When he’d heard Standing Still, he’d imagined something y, at least. Maybe some sterile but interesting box sets, some frolicking in bedrooms, actual interaction with a female if they were lucky.

What they got instead well, Chanhee said it best: “So we’re going with hobo chic now?” Chanhee asked, nodding at the abandoned empty warehouse, mesh fences,  and actual burn barrel. Not exactly the way Joowon would have put it but apt enough.

“You should fit right in then,” Joowon returned without missing a beat. He could sass Chanhee on autopilot all day, even when knots of dread were forming in the pits of his stomach.

“Only thanks to your glorious example,” Chanhee shot back, returning the grin.

Jinyoung rubbed his arms. “It’s freezing in here.” There appeared to be no heating whatsoever, which made sense since it was an actual abandoned warehouse, and at 6AM the place wasn’t exactly cozy.

“Go on, get to Ahyoung!” Seokmin shooed them away from the set and to the changing area, and the clothes that hung there only strengthened Joowon’s feelings of dread. They’d had some pretty questionable styling choices in the past, from the overly busy and ‘trendy’ clothes in Wow to the minimalistic turtlenecks of Paradise, but each of them had had a clear look to them. Looking over the clothing racks, it was kind of a mess. One had just simple black clothing, the other had edgier stuff with snakeskin print and studs and more bling than should ever be worn on one person, and the third had something in between with sleek blazers and some patterned pants. It was a bit of a mess, though to be fair Joowon was feeling very dubious about absolutely everything right now, he didn’t exactly trust himself to be unbiased.

“How do you even act y?” Baekhyun asked, not for the first time since the approach of the MV shooting.

“You just rub your lip a lot and look into the camera all angsty, and like do this eyes half closed thing,” Jinyoung provided.

Chanhee burst out laughing. “Seunghoon’s out. He won’t have any eyes left.”

“Huh?” Seunghoon snapped out of his thoughts. “Oh. Yeah.”

“How did you become a y concept expert?” Joowon couldn’t help but ask. The idea of Jinyoung, the guy who couldn’t even speak up during a fansign event, being an expert at seducing the camera was an amusing one.

Jinyoung blushed and glanced at Seunghoon. “We, eh, watched some music videos a couple of days ago. To see how it’s done.”

Don’t laugh. Don’t you dare laugh, Joowon. The kid is trying. Chanhee’s own titters weren’t helping. He coughed. “Okay. You did research. So how does one do a y concept?”

“That’s, eh, that’s all I’ve got. Lip rubbing and intense stares,” Jinyoung said, blushing deeper. “And really… elaborate… makeup… but I hope we don’t get that,” he muttered.

“Relax,” Ahyoung said. “That’s not our concept today. Sparkly eyeshadow would look a little out of place in a gritty environment like this, don’t you think? Come on then, we haven’t got all day.”

“Amateurs,” Chanhee said. “Looking y isn’t about how many times you rub your lips, you either have it or you don’t.” He tapped on his temple with a characteristic smug smile. “You have to believe you’re y, nothing else is going to do the trick.”

“Woosu,” Ahyoung said, exasperated. “Sit.”

“Whoops, sorry noona.”

The filming itself ran fairly smoothly. By the time Ahyoung had done everyone’s makeup, gotten them dressed in their outfits, and touched up their hair just so, the sun was already up and shining through the high windows. Not that it made the warehouse any less freezing, their breaths puffed out in little clouds of vapour even as they ran through their dance over and over again. Joowon wondered if that had been an aesthetic decision or an unfortunate side-effect, but he also didn’t see any heaters around.

It was hard for him to muster any kind of enthusiasm for this shoot. He was professional of course, but he couldn’t help but feel sirens in his head throughout the shoot. None of this was right. None of this was as it should be. It was cold and colorless and gritty in a low-budget kind of way. The Chaser had had only one set, but that set had been stunning enough to get away with it. This was blatantly cheap.

The company had given up on them.

It was the only explanation for all of this. For the drastic drop in quality in all areas. The song was even messier when they got the recorded version, the arrangement and effects were all over the place. The choreography was nothing of the quality they’d had before. Now the MV set looked like the bare minimum they could get away with. It was clear to Joowon that this comeback effort was a last ditch resort, and the company had no hope that they would be worth the investment.

Rich, when you considered that the company’s own bad decision were the problem to begin with. Well, not rich. Not rich was the problem. He watched Jinyoung lipsync for his closeups, rubbing those lips in an almost desperate way.

Joowon was this close to pacing.

“Shabby, isn’t it?” He hadn’t noticed Chanhee sidling up to him. Ahyoung was still trying to touch up his makeup, swatting at his shoulder whenever she needed him to stand still. “I’d say I’m starting to doubt the competence of our company but it’s not like I haven’t been doing that from day one.” The managed to say it with a sassy grin.

“Subtle as ever,” Joowon commented, glancing at Ahyoung who was trying very hard not acknowledge the topic.

Chanhee saw his glance. “I’m pretty sure the company has clued in on our displeasure by now, noona doesn’t even have to tattle.”

Ahyoung snorted. “I won’t tattle if you sit down and sit still for once.” She all but dragged him to one of the chairs, leaving Joowon alone with his thoughts again. Well, alone in a sea of workers.

Even the scheduling had been a mess. There had been some mix up with the scheduling of their recording, so the song had only been finished two days before the actual MV shoot. Before then they’d practiced their dance on the instrumental and guide vocals. Everything was a goddamned mess.

One by one they were switched in to do their solo scenes, depending on who was ready to go. Jinyoung’s desperately failed attempts at y were replaced by Wonwoo’s surprising competence, who was supplanted by Baekhyun being far too sweet for such things, who then passed the torch to Chanhee’s charisma knocking it all out of the park, all the while Joowon didn’t move from his spot. He stayed to the side, arms crossed, watching and feeling the nagging voice in his head say that this was bad. Oh this was bad.

It took him a while into Youngbae’s pretty effective attempts at y (how did that oaf get so good at it?) to notice that he wasn’t alone.

He visibly started when he noticed Wonwoo, who laughed sheepishly. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to sneak up on you. I just, eh, thought you might want company.”

Joowon laughed off his racing heart. “It’s okay, I should have seen you. You were good up there.”

Wonwoo smiled back, more politeness than pride. “Thank you. I managed to game some experience from the modelling jobs.”

“How’s that going for you?”

“Good! Good. I enjoy it a lot.”

Joowon knew that Wonwoo had had a handful of shoots now, Seokmin had mentioned how the guy was getting specifically invited now. Apparently he’d made friends amongst the more prominent photographers that side of the industry. Joowon approved, magazine spreads weren’t a very reliable way to break through or gain fans, but if Aeon’s name was in any way out there then that was a good thing.

They watched in silence while Youngbae was switched out for Seunghoon. It wasn’t an unpleasant silence at all, it was a calm one, one where he knew he could start a conversation at any point but by no means had to. Those were the best silences.

Seunghoon wasn’t faring much better than Jinyoung had, the kid wasn’t made for this kind of song. He even missed the start of a line here and there, to the great annoyance of the director. Joowon wondered if he was so nervous that it was interfering with his work. He knew Seunghoon sometimes overthought things and let his mind get in the way of his work.

“He’s been strangely quiet today,” Wonwoo noted. “Distracted too. I wonder if anything’s wrong?”

“We’re all struggling with the new image,” Joowon said. “Well, all except Chanhee of course.”

Wonwoo laughed softly. “Of course.”

“Joowon, you’re nex,” Ahyoung said. “So come here for some touch ups.”

After a touchup and a wait it was Joowon’s turn in front of the camera. He didn’t know much about acting y, but he knew a lot about acting charismatic and making the rest up as he went, so he thought it went pretty okay. The rap was standard passionate angsty rap in any case, an emotion that was easily faked with the help of his own lyrics, and before he knew it he was done.

He was already exhausted and they’d probably filmed about half of it. “Time to get dressed in your last costume change,” Seokmin said when Joowon walked over. “After that we’ll move to the next set, it’s not far from here, and hopefully wrap this up within the next, say, four hours.”

“A nice and colourful location I hope?” Joowon said, only half joking. Seokmin’s grimace told him enough. “Hyung, where is our next set?”

“An abandoned parking lot.”

The knot in his stomach tightened.

None of this was good.