I had just gotten off the plane and unpacked when I got a call from Daehyun. He wanted to know if I was back home yet and if I could meet up. Normally, I would but for some reason, I had felt off since I left for New York last week. Wanting nothing more than to relax my first night back, I told him that I was tired and would meet up with him and the other guys tomorrow night. He seemed reluctant but eventually agreed with a sigh. Once I was off the phone, I sent a quick text and hopped into a shower, letting the hot water relax my body.

Checking my phone when I got out, I was surprised to see that there wasn’t a response. She normally responds right away. Maybe she is just busy or forgot her phone in another room again. I’ll call her after I get dressed. Making my way through my nightly routine, I couldn’t get rid of the nagging feeling that her lack of response was causing. Sure, she had forgotten her phone before or let it die or didn’t reply right away, but it never took this long before she realized something was up and responded.

Deciding to put all my nerves to rest, I grabbed my phone and went out on my balcony to call her. The Seoul night air was something I had missed in New York. They were similar but so different. Both cities never slept but both had different auras, different spirits. Pressing the call button, I waited as her phone rang. With each new ring, a new knot formed in my stomach.

“Hey, you’ve reached the voicemail of Sara. If you don’t know my last name, you have the wrong number. Leave me a message and I might call you back later.”

That’s weird. Maybe she is asleep already. Checking the clock, it was only 10:30. Still too early for her to go to bed. Unless she was assigned the early shift tomorrow at the café.

“Sara, I’m back in Seoul! Call me back when you get this, okay? If I find out you fell asleep on me on the day I came back, I swear I won’t get you anymore crane toys for at least a month.”

I ended the call, knowing that my little threat would get a great reaction from her. A smile grew on my lips as I imagined the argument and pout it would bring when we meet up tomorrow morning. Going back inside, I continued messing around my apartment until I fell asleep, still holding my phone as I waited for a response.

The next morning wasn’t the best. Jetlag always , but I knew a barista with a perfect coffee recipe to cure it. Getting dressed and ready to leave the apartment, I checked my phone again to see if I had missed anything. A few calls from my older sister and mother. A couple texts from the guys and a few notifications of pictures posted on S.N.S. But nothing from the one person I actually wanted to hear from.

Not wanting to let it bother me too much, I hurried through my morning routine and rushed to the café a few blocks away from my apartment building. It wasn’t until I was a couple doors away that I noticed something strange about the normally busy and bright café. It seemed like it had lost its bright atmosphere. Sitting at one of the large tables outside were the guys, looking as solemn as the café felt.

“Hey guys, I thought we weren’t meeting up until later” I said, greeting them.

“Yeah, about that Himchanie hyung, there is something we need to discuss with you” said Daehyun, seeming a little frightened.

“Okay, well, let me just go inside and get my coffee from Sara first. She didn’t return any of my calls or texts last night and I need one of her jetlag cures” I said, moving towards the door.

“She’s not in there, hyung” said Zelo, refusing to look at me.

“What do you mean she’s not in there? Of course, she’s in there. She is always scheduled to work today” I said, going to the door and opening it to find one of the other employees working in Sara’s place.

I looked around the entire place. It was a small café, just a single room. There aren’t any places to hide but she wasn’t anywhere to be seen. Okay, so she isn’t here. Maybe she didn’t have the early shift, but the late shift. So, she’s still at home. I’ll just go wake her up. Checking my key ring for the spare key she gave me, I was making my way past the guys when Yongguk grabbed my arm.

“Where are you going?” questioned Yongguk, standing up behind me.

“To Sara’s apartment. That’s the only other place she could be, right?” I answered, shaking him off and setting off down the street.

I heard the five other sets of footsteps but didn’t acknowledge them. It wasn’t a long walk from the café to her apartment complex. Or maybe it was and I didn’t realize it because I spent so much time here that it never felt like a long walk to get here. Going up the stairs to her door, I pulled out the key and opened the door, expecting to hear music or the t.v. and smell her cooking. But there was nothing.

“Himchanie hyung, I think we need to talk. Come sit down, okay?” said Jongup, leading me over to the couch.

Everything looked different. It looked like everything was missing. All the decorations and pictures she normally had out were missing. All the pillows and blankets that were kept on her furniture were gone. I mean, she had a random habit of changing decorations throughout the year, but it wasn’t that time of year yet.

“Hyung, I…. Sara, she…. She wanted me to give this to you” said Youngjae, holding out an envelope.

I took it from him and was surprised to see that it had my name written on it. Sitting on the couch, I opened it and pulled out the pages containing her handwritten words.  

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Himchan Oppa,

               I know this probably comes as a surprise… or maybe it doesn’t… I’m sorry that I am saying goodbye like this. It probably isn’t the way either of us wanted this to happen, but it’s about time I start protecting myself.

               I couldn’t be there when you returned from New York. I know we said that we would meet up when you got back, but I think it’s best if we don’t see each other again. You were so happy when you left. I want that to be my last memory of you. Smiling and excited… even if it wasn’t because of me. I’m rambling, I know, and that none of this probably makes sense either but just trust me, it’s better this way.

               Since this is the last time you will hear from me, there are some secrets I want to get off my chest. I’ve held them close to my heart since we first met, waiting for the right moment to tell you…. But I don’t think I have the luxury of waiting for that perfect moment anymore. So, my secrets…

               I guess I will start with the biggest one…. I love you Oppa. I have since the first time I saw you in the café. You didn’t even notice I existed until a few months later, but I was happy just watching from afar. Those few months before you spoke to me… I was happy to just see your smiling face and hear your loud laugh from the sitting area of the café. Never would I have thought that we would become close enough to be friends, that you would become my closest and most dear friend. I thought it was just a simple crush. That it would go away once I finally got to know you. But it didn’t.

               My feelings just grew. They flourished under your sunshine-like smile and the care and warmth you shared with me. They grew to the point that I would get jealous of each girl you told me about and compare myself to each girl that looked your way. But then I remembered that if you really love someone, their happiness comes before your own. So, I became content with the fact that at least whoever you fell in love with, they would be the person who could put that beautiful smile on your face and fill your days with fun and laughter. And that I could possibly remain your friend and maybe get a glimpse of that sunlight.

               Then you told me of your “more-than-a-friend” in New York. You told me how you were planning to move over there after you finished your military service. You said that she didn’t want to be involved in a long-distance relationship, so you would make the sacrifice that she wouldn’t and leave your life behind for a chance at love. You always were the one to be self-less and reckless like that. I know I had a smile on while we were together, but on the inside… it felt like I was dying. I had just found my window to a life that had a little bit of sunlight and now it was being taken away. That sounds really selfish, doesn’t it?

               That’s why I didn’t say anything. I love you enough to sacrifice my chance at seeing the sun so you could spend your life basking in it. I couldn’t take away that smile and excitement from you. I couldn’t be like everyone else and caution you against going, because I would give my soul to see you smile. And she made you smile. So, I swallowed all the bitterness and selfishness and only broke down once I got home that night.

               That brings me to my second secret. I’m sick, Oppa. A few years ago, I was diagnosed with a form of cancer that affects my lungs and throat. One of the few doctors who specializes in it resides in Seoul, which is why I moved here. We thought that we had everything under control after I had surgery a couple years ago, but everything came back a few months ago. They are saying that I will have to have another surgery, and that even that might not save me.

               I was going to tell you. I had everything planned when I asked to meet up with you that day. I was going to ask you to come with me when I got the surgery. Until I found out that my surgery was the same day you were leaving for New York… that you were going to spend time with her for her birthday.

               Zelo and Youngjae found me in my apartment the next day after I had refused to answer my phone. I think that is why Youngjae isn’t as fond of your friend in New York anymore and Zelo has been upset with you recently. Don’t do anything to them about it though. They think that they are helping me and don’t know any better.

               Since you are reading this, it means that you are back from New York. I hope you had fun and that your friend had an amazing birthday. Did you enjoy the fireworks? Did you eat any of the food I told you about? You were probably too busy to remember anything I told you, right? It’s okay. I understand. Honestly, I don’t blame you. You were with friends and your girl, having fun. That’s all that matters.

               I don’t know if any of the guys or anyone else went to the surgery with me since I’m writing this before I tell any of them. Youngjae and Zelo haven’t really left my side since they found me crying so they probably will. I’m sure they will tell you if they did. All I know is that I won’t be there when you return… either because I moved away or… because I didn’t leave the hospital. Either way, I will be praying for your good fortune and happiness. I will pray for your love and your safety as you move on through life. And, if I didn’t pull through, know that you have at least one angel watching over you.

Love you always,

               Sara

——————————————————————————————————————————————

“Where is she?”

No one responded. No one made eye contact with me. No one ing moved.

“WHERE THE HELL IS SHE?!” I cried, standing up and clutching her letter in my hand.

We were in her apartment. She had to be here. I was only gone a week. She couldn’t have completely moved out in a week. She had too much stuff. Too many books. Too many movies and music. Too many damn stuffed animals that she loved to cuddle with. Too damn much kitchen stuff. We had too many memories here for her to just leave all those things we shared behind.

All the times she would read while I played music on whichever instrument was available. When we would fall asleep watching some movie that we talked through and had to watch multiple times to get the basic plot of. All the stuffed toys she would beg me to win for her when we passed an arcade because she was too short to win at the crane game. All the time we spent in her kitchen, me teaching her how to cook and her trying to teach me to bake. All of that couldn’t be removed in a week. It would take a lifetime to move all of that.

I ran down the hall to her room. Throwing open the door, I was greeted by a room that was nothing more than a shell. All of the color was gone. Her pictures and posters were gone. All her stuffed animals, clothes, and decorations were gone. Everything. Running to her bathroom, I found it the same. Opening the cabinet doors and drawers, I searched for any evidence that she left something behind. Something that she would have to return for. I went to the guest bedroom and found it much the same. A shell of what it once was.

Stumbling down the hall, I didn’t hear anything besides the static and constant loop of my thoughts until I was brought out of it. Yongguk had grabbed my shoulders and forced me to look at him. The other kids were behind him, wide eyed and startled.

“She’s gone, Himchan” said Yongguk, staring me in the eye and confirming all my worst fears.

I fell to the floor, sobbing as I held her words to my heart. Hoping… praying that he didn’t mean the worst by those words. She has to be out there somewhere. She can’t be gone for good. I don’t need an angel that bad. She was too good to be taken like that. She was too perfect to be taken so soon. I should have been… I shouldn’t have been so blind.

“Where did she go? She said she was having surgery. She’s still in the hospital, isn’t she? Where is all her stuff then? She couldn’t have moved out by herself” I ranted, getting up to search the rest of the apartment.

There has to be a clue of where she is at. A piece of paper with an address or a phone number. A magazine with a city or town circled. A map and directions. A receipt from a moving company. Something… anything.

“Hyung, he’s been crying this whole time” said Youngjae, somewhere off to the side.

“I know, Jae, I know” replied Yongguk.

————————————————————*Flashback*————————————————————–

“You all know that you don’t have to be here, right?” questioned Sara, laughing as Zelo and Jongup sat on her bed, catching Pokemon on their phones.

“We wouldn’t be anywhere else” said Yongguk, petting her head and giving her a smile.

A nurse came in and told them that it was time for her to get prepped for surgery. They said only one person could stay with her until they wheeled her away for surgery. Almost all of the men had left the room until only two remained and she called out to them.

“Youngjae, can I talk to you for a minute before you go? Yongguk Oppa, could you stay with me?” asked Sara, laying back down as they injected the anesthesia into her IV.

“Of course, what is it?” questioned Youngjae, sitting in the chair beside her bed.

“In my bag, there’s a letter” said Sara, pointing to the backpack she had brought with her that morning to the hospital. “Can you give it to Channie Oppa when he returns from New York for me?”

“Why don’t you give it to him yourself? Use it as a way to confess your love to him finally. Everyone but him sees the way you look at him” replied Youngjae, smiling as he grabbed her hand.

“I can’t do that. Not anymore. I waited too long, I guess. He’s going to New York to spend the week with a girl for her birthday. He told me that he wants to move over there once he finishes his military duty so they can be together.”

Both men were silenced by her words. They had known about their friend’s love interest in New York longer than she had, but the lack of emotion in her words surprised them. They had known of her love for their friend even longer. The emotionless tone in her voice caused a dark, unknown feeling deep inside them.

“I’m not guaranteed to make it out of that operating room alive. I don’t even have a 25% chance of survival. I had to take precautions if I’m not part of those lucky ones to survive” continued Sara, resting her head on the pillows and looking out at the sky.

If you looked hard enough, you could see small dots that were planes flying high above the city. One of them should hold her heart soon enough.

“Don’t talk like that. Of course, you are going to make it out of the surgery just fine. You’ll be back at the café in no time and we can knock some sense into that stupid hyung of our’s” said Youngjae, laughing through the tears forming in his eyes.

“Even if I do make it out of surgery, I won’t be here when he returns. My grandmother has arranged for me to move in with her down in Jeju. The doctors think it will be good for my health and it will give me time to get used to living with him. There are movers at my apartment right now, packing everything as we speak.”

“You can’t just leave us like this, Sara” said Youngjae, holding her hand up to his cheek. “You’re the sister I never had. Who else is going to bake us birthday cakes and random sweets every week? Who is going to make us coffee every morning? Who is going to keep everyone in check?”

“I’m sorry, Youngjae. But it’s time I start protecting myself a little bit. All of you are welcome to come visit me, if I make it to Jeju, but just… don’t tell Himchan Oppa where I am if you do. Let me get used to having him out of my life until I’m ready.”

It was only a few minutes of silence until Youngjae nodded his head. He got up and went to her bag, taking out the letter with Himchan’s name on it and putting it in his jacket pocket. It burned like it was on fire because he knew that this letter would change all of their lives forever. Going back to the bed, Youngjae hugged Sara and smiled at her.

“You make it off that operating table so we can have a party down at the beach in Jeju, okay? I won’t say a word to the others until we know the outcome of the surgery, okay? So, you have to fight and come back, okay?”

“I’ll give it my best fight” said Sara, smiling up at the man who had become so much like a brother to her.

Youngjae left the room, going to meet up with the others in the hospital cafeteria before going to the surgical waiting room. Yongguk took the chair beside Sara and looked up to where she was watching the sky. A plane was flying over, barely noticeable unless you were looking right at it. Himchan had told him his flight was scheduled to be leaving just about now.

“You sure you know what you’re doing?” questioned Yongguk.

“Honestly… no” answered Sara, still watching the plane disappear.

“That’s his plane, isn’t it?”

“Yeah” sighed Sara, turning away from the window when the plane finally left view.

“How’d you know he was on it? What if he was on his way to the hospital right now?” asked Yongguk, leaning forward.

“He doesn’t know it, but he took my heart with him. I can just feel it.”

She gave a soft smile as she looked down at her hands, clutching the blankets tighter than before.

“Some birthday present, huh?” asked Sara, sending Yongguk a sad smile.

———————————————————-*End Flashback*———————————————————-

There was nothing in the living room. It wasn’t until I entered the kitchen that I saw it. A card still attached to the refrigerator by a magnet. Time felt like it had slowed down as I approached the card as if it were a frightened animal.

It was hanging half open, so I opened it to read the inside, begging for some type of clue.

With all the years spent and all the love earned, nothing has more value than the time we share together. Happy Birthday to my dearest granddaughter and love you always, Grandma Lee

Time officially stopped as I closed the card to see a cartoon bear and bunny holding up a birthday cake. I had asked the universe to show me how much worse I could have been. How much more blind could I have been to Sara all this time. I just got my answer.

“You didn’t remember that it was Sara noona’s birthday, did you?” asked Zelo, watching as I crumbled to the floor, holding the card up so I could look at it.

“Of course, he didn’t! If he did, he wouldn’t have left her to go see some other girl in New York on her birthday” answered Youngjae, storming out of the apartment.

Nothing registered. The entire building could have been burning to the ground and I wouldn’t have felt a thing. How could I have hurt the most selfless, caring, most beautiful person in the world? How could I have been such a damn fool? A mothering idiot that lost sight of everything that was right in front of me? How could I have let her get away?

I sobbed. I yelled. I crumbled. I broke. I felt everything at once and felt nothing at all. I saw every moment we shared together flash before my eyes and watched as every hint and clue of her feelings finally appeared, like they were highlighted and put in slow motion.

“Sara… oh God, Sara” I sobbed.