Baekhyun and I had been in a relationship for almost six months. He was thoughtful and hilarious and, contrary to his appearance, was very hardworking and a total perfectionist. He was also a fast learner which explained why he didn’t have to spend long hours to study and get good grades. If he were to be honest, he hated studying. Sitting behind the desk to read page after page bored him to no end. He preferred to practice for his gigs together with his bandmates anytime. Computer games were another source of entertainment for his active mind. In short, Baekhyun was a wonderful boy, but he wasn’t wonderful enough to not break my heart.

From the distance, I saw him running toward me. A bittersweet smile adorned my face as I waited for him to finally reach me. I knew he had seen the other two girls which had just left and I knew he was anxious.

“Babe, I can explain,” he said as soon as he was in front of me. He took my hands and held them tight. There was fear in his eyes, but still they looked beautiful to me.

“It’s okay. I know,” I told him honestly, still smiling. I squeezed his hand gently, memorizing how his hold felt against my skin. My heart fell even more at the possibility that this could be my last time being this close with him.

But I had made my choice.

“You’ve got what you wanted now. She wants you back,” I said, my voice came out softer than I intended. This was a lot harder than what I had in mind, but I willed myself to be stronger. I withdrew my hands from his and although he was surprised by my action, he did nothing. His hands were still hanging in front of his torso, making him look stupid, but still he was handsome in my eyes.

“It’s been a great time knowing you, Baekhyun. I wish you well,” I said and nodded, not sparing him another second as I walked away.

My heart broke with every step I took, but there was nothing I could do. It wasn’t like I could go back and throw myself at him. It was painful enough to learn the truth and now I also had to witness his silence as I ended our relationship. Did our time together mean anything to him? Did I even mean anything to him? I had to suppress my sobs at the thought. What’s done is done, I told myself. If he could be happy with another person, then that was all that mattered.

I would be fine.

Eventually.

 

 

 

♥

 

 

 

“What?” I shrieked ungracefully and dropped the knife in an instant.

Mom only made a face and shrugged, “Don’t be so dramatic now, young lady.”

“But, Mom!” I groaned.

“Well…” she dragged out. “First of all, Mrs. Byun is my high school best friend, so it’s only right to invite her tonight. Besides, this is my anniversary dinner. I can invite whoever I want.”

“Well, you could have told me earlier,” I told her back.

“Well, you could have told me earlier too that you dated my best friend’s son, so I wouldn’t look foolish comforting her when her son almost went into depression when you dumped him,” she said honestly.

“Well…” I tried to say, but then I registered her words and my brain stopped to function. “What? Her son almost what?” I asked, a little unsure and very much surprised.

“Yeah, after you broke up with him, he changed. His mother said he used to be very bubbly and positive, but after the break up, he barely talked. He didn’t take his meals on time, too. I didn’t know my girl can have such effects on the opposite gender,” she said and raised her eyebrows in a teasing shock.

“But it’s been what? Almost four years, right? I’m sure the two of you are now mature enough to put the past behind,” she stated optimistically. “Right?” she demanded when she didn’t hear a reply for me.

I pursed my lips and crossed my fingers as I said, “I guess.”

 

 

 

I couldn’t believe I was actually having a hard time picking up my clothes for this dinner. It was just a casual one, for goodness’ sake. I could just wear my usual home clothes for all I cared. The dinner was just downstairs anyway.

But, apparently, I still cared. Especially when he was going to come. Wait, is he going to come? Or is it going to be just his parents? I pondered. Wait, I should have asked Mom earlier. Wait, no, I shouldn’t even be bothered by his coming or not.

“Urgh,” I groaned.

Why am I getting so worked up over meeting him again? Of course everything will be just fine, right? I mean, it’s been a while. I’m sure he has moved on. But you haven’t, I could almost hear my brain say to me. Well, as sad as it sounded, I might have found it harder to love again. Baekhyun was a wonderful boy and even with the things he did, it was hard to replace him in my heart.

“They’re here!” I heard Mom yelled from the living room, pulling me out of my thoughts. Is it time already? My eyes went wide and looked at the clock on my bedroom wall.

“Oh my gods. Oh my gods. This is happening,” I leaped out of my closet and paced around my room, jumping on the balls of my feet, feeling all kinds of butterflies in my stomach.

“He’s here! Oh my gods! I’m gonna see him again!” I exclaimed with every passing sentence. I flew to the front of my mirror and smoothed down the invisible creases on my light yellow dress. I made sure there wasn’t a single hair which fell out of its place. This is it, I told myself. I’m gonna see him again.

 

 

 

Or not.

When I walked into the dining room, I only saw Mr. and Mrs. Byun exchanging hugs with my parents as they caught up with their lives. I tried so hard to hide the disappointment in my face, but I had never been good in controlling my expressions. I was just thankful Mrs. Byun didn’t say anything about the subtle gloom in my mood when she first noticed my presence.

“Omo! Look at you! You’ve grown so much!” she squealed and pried herself away from Mom’s embrace to approach me. “So beautiful, my dear,” she cooed lovingly as she opened her arms to take me in.

I was very surprised to see her greeting me so warmly because as far as I remembered, this was my first time meeting her. I gave a What’s-happening look to Mom, to which she only replied with a I-showed-her-your-baby-pictures shrug. Nonetheless, I smiled and hugged Mrs. Byun back, saying my greetings to her and her husband. We talked for a bit until the doorbell rang. Being the youngest in the house, I took it upon myself to answer the door.

“I’ll get it,” I told everyone, walking away from the happy circle in my dining room. Mom smiled softly as I left the room before continuing her conversation with her best friend. I shook my head a little at that and began to wonder if I’d be caught catching up with my best friend 15 or 20 years down the road. The thought of attending reunions was already sending me unfriendly chills down my spine and I hadn’t finished my last year of university yet. I quickly shook off that thought of my mind and walked faster toward the door.

I wasn’t thinking when I opened the wooden piece, but now that I had and now that it was revealed to me who had rung the bell, my brain froze. My breath hitched and it must have brought him to attention as he stopped shaking off the little snowflakes on his black coat.

“Thank y―” he lifted his head and tried to say, but stopped abruptly as his eyes landed on me.

His hair was no longer brown. It was black and it looked very soft. It was cut cleanly, making him look sharper and dapper and even handsomer. His bangs no longer reached his eyes. They were swept to the side neatly, giving him a more mature look and when I thought he couldn’t get any dreamier than what I had remembered in my head, he proved me wrong. With a black coat over his well-proportioned body, he stood tall in front of me, a little speechless at the unexpected turn of events.

“Thank you,” he said and cleared his throat.

“Please come in,” I said and gave him a polite nod. I stepped to the side and opened the door to let in.

We were a breath apart when he passed me by. He had changed his cologne, I noticed. It smelled softer, yet still alluring, and I had to hold my breath to stop inhaling his scent. I didn’t want to risk myself falling for him again when I hadn’t met the guy in years. He could have a girlfriend for all I knew. Calm down, I willed myself.

“Are you just going to stand there?” I heard him ask and my eyes snapped open immediately, embarrassed.

“Ah, yes. Um, I mean no. Wait, well, I was just―”

He chuckled and I stopped moving again. He sounded so beautiful. No, he looked so beautiful. With his coat taken off and folded neatly on one arm and in a crisp white shirt over fitted grey jeans, he looked like he was ready to sweep off my feet. I had been staring at him for too long I didn’t notice he was walking back toward me. The next thing I knew was his face right in front of me, his nose dangerously close to mine.

“It’s been a while,” he smiled. Suddenly, he leaned in and I gasped at the proximity. I was having a rapid increase in my heart rate and it was getting so hard to think straight when he was so near and looked so good and, gods, his smell. He turned his head down slightly, to hide his chuckle, but I caught it and frowned. Is he mocking me now, I wanted to complain, but then he used his free hand to close the door behind me, not forgetting to seize the chance and whisper in my ear.

“You’ve gotten lovelier.”

And my brain refused to function altogether for the rest of the dinner after that.

 

 

 

♥

 

 

 

“Mom! I’m late! I’m late!” I ran frantically down the stairs. My hair was still messy from my shower and I picked the first clothes I saw, which happened to be my black Nike pullover and leggings.

“Where’s Dad? Has he gone to work? I need a ride,” I whined as I rummaged through my bag, making sure I had everything I needed for my class today. Only when I was sure I hadn’t left anything important in my room did I notice Mom’s lack of response.

“Mom―” I wanted to whine again, but I nearly choked on my own words at the sight in front of me. Mom was in the living room and she wasn’t alone. I blushed and felt so embarrassed that Baekhyun had to see all that in an early Saturday morning.

“Oh,” was all I could say when I had myself pulled together.

“Good morning to you too, honey,” Mom cooed. “Daddy left for Hongkong early in the morning so I’m sorry, baby, you have to take the bus to school. Or cab,” she said honestly. “Do you want me to―”

Mom’s words were cut off when Baekhyun piped in, “Actually, aunty, I can drop her off. I’m leaving anyway.”

My eyes went wide at his offer. It wasn’t like I didn’t want him to drive me because, goodness, I really needed to get to class as soon as possible, but I wasn’t ready for a private time with my ex so early in the morning. I was about to say no, but of course my dearest Mommy couldn’t resist to play fairy godmother as she happily replied, “Oh, that’s very nice of you, Baekhyun. Thank you.”

I sent her a glare and she only smiled back at me. “You’ll thank me later,” I saw her lips moving.

 

 

 

We were inside the elevator, on our way down to the lobby and out of my apartment building. It was kind of awkward because none of us was speaking and I could only fidget on my toes as I grew more nervous with the passing time. He was only a step away and my heart had flipped for numerous times at the sight of him.

“Slept through your alarm?” he finally asked and broke the ice.

“Yeah,” I sighed. “I didn’t hear it went off and when I woke up, it was already a quarter past seven,” I told him exasperatedly, feeling disappointed at myself. “And my class is starting in…” I looked at my wristwatch under the sleeve of my pullover and pursed my lips, “Three minutes. Great! Just great!”

“It’s okay. It happens sometimes,” he said.

I wanted to give him a look because his words weren’t exactly comforting to my ears. I was never late, so this was all so new and so nerve-wracking to me. But when I looked up, he was already looking at me. He had his hair down this time and he didn’t look as prim as the last time I saw him. It was probably his choice of clothes too which made him looked so cuddly in a lazy Saturday morning. He was in a casual grey tee and black jeans. He looked so effortlessly handsome that I had to look away. Not to mention, he was looking at me so warmly that the butterflies in my tummy went wild. This isn’t a peaceful morning, I concluded.

“I can help to talk to your professor if you want,” he offered. At that, I looked up, curious. “Who’s your professor?” he asked, still looking at me.

“Mr. Kim,” I answered, a little timidly because of his stare.

“Kim Minseok? Wait, you’re taking psychology? I thought you wanted to be a teacher, no?”

I was surprised he actually knew my professor. I was even more surprised he still remembered what I told him when we were still together, that I had always wanted to be a teacher.

“Well, it’s just an additional course I decided to take for my last year of university. If I’m gonna deal with kids, I need to at least know how to bribe them to listen to me,” I shrugged.

He laughed. “Good point.”

It was nice to listen to his laughter after not hearing it in a while. I unknowingly let my guard down and smiled while looking at his joyful expression. Too bad, he caught me in time. He smiled back and I blushed. Ugh, stupid cheeks need to stop blushing.

“Uh, sorry,” I muttered. “I thought you had a stain on your lips,” I lied and attempted to cover up for my slip.

“Really?” he asked. “A stain? On my lips?” he asked again, stepping closer to me. There was a playful glint in his eyes because I knew he knew I was lying.

“Y-Yeah,” I said, still firm on my lie.

“Can you help me then?” he suddenly leaned in and had his face right next to me, his breath hitting my cheek.

I was afraid to turn my head toward him because he was so close, but I didn’t want to look stupid either. Then, he called my name.

“Can you help me clean the stain from my lips?” he asked, softly, captivatingly, and I had no choice. I turned to him. Our noses touched and my heart felt like it had permanently lodged itself up in my throat seeing him up close.

I gulped, but brought my hand up anyway. I cupped his jaw, resting my palm on his chin, as my thumb brushed over his lower lip. There was no stain. I lied, but I didn’t want him to know I was lying, so I pretended and went along with my lie. His lips were as soft as I remembered. They were pink and so inviting and I couldn’t help to think how they would feel against mine. I quickly pulled myself back when my mind was drifted to dangerous water.

Baekhyun wasn’t surprised at my action, but he remained in his position, not even straightening his back as he looked at me in a way I couldn’t decipher. My heart was beating hard against my ribcage and I didn’t know what to feel at the direction we both were heading. This is dangerous. No, he is dangerous.

The ride later was quite uneventful, but Baekhyun kept his word and went down to apologize to Mr. Kim on my behalf for my tardiness. They seemed close, but I didn’t dare to ask, I kept my head down as I looked for an empty seat. I began to wonder what Baekhyun did for a living now. I meant, he had graduated from university for a few years now, but I didn’t know if he kept to his major or not. All I remembered was how in love he was with singing that I wanted him to ditch medical school altogether and started pursuing his passion for music, but he could be unpredictable, so I really had no idea what he was doing now. Besides, I didn’t know how he could know my professor that well. And to speak to him personally like that for my lateness?

 

 

 

♥

 

 

 

It had become a routine now, to see Baekhyun hanging around in my house every Saturday. On the first few occasions he was dropping by, he claimed to be delivering his mother’s famous chocolate cakes as per request, but after a while, I stopped seeing the sweet food in my fridge. I didn’t ask though because whenever Baekhyun was around, it meant I had a free ride to school. And I would never say no to free rides.

Also, I was getting along so much better with Baekhyun now. My heart no longer did crazy flips at the mere sight of him, but the butterflies and the secret heart eyes I sent him were hard to kill. I always caught myself smiling at his manners and gentle gestures. And it wasn’t like I hadn’t noticed the way he looked back at me too. Or the sweet things he did for me. And his lingering touch on the small of my back as he ushered me through the crowd every time we went out with just the two of us.

We exchanged messages back and forth. He would also call at night too. Sometimes, he sang me to sleep. I couldn’t hold my laughter when he suddenly sang me the bear song on the phone one night. He whined at my reaction and I could totally imagine his pout as he complained. I had to bribe him with a brunch to get him to talk to me again. It was very funny. All in all, Baekhyun was back to the wonderful Baekhyun I fell in love with a few years ago; he was back to being my wonderful Baekhyun.

“You’re here,” I stated as I descended the stairs. Baekhyun stopped talking with my dad and looked up at me walking down the steps. “Let’s go!” I exclaimed and went behind Dad to kiss him on the cheek. “Bye, Dad!”

I didn’t forget to run to the kitchen to kiss Mom too before rushing for the door. Only when I was halfway out of the apartment did I notice Baekhyun’s lack of response. I looked back at him to see what was wrong and saw a scowl adorning his face. I wanted to ask, but decided to keep it to myself first and asked him later in the car. He eventually bid my parents farewell and followed me out of the door.

“Why are you dressed so beautifully today?” he finally asked, still scowling, as we waited for the elevator to arrive.

I was caught off guard by his question and looked down at my dress. “I’m meeting a friend for lunch later after class,” I answered honestly.

His scowl went deeper hearing my reply. “A friend?” he inquired.

“Yeah. She just got back from the States and wanted me to introduce her boyfriend to me. Or fiancé,” I rolled my eyes at the memory of my phone call with my best friend. I failed to notice how Baekhyun breathed out a relieved sigh at my reply. “Apparently, she got proposed on their flight here,” I continued. “Can you believe it? My best friend is getting married and scoring herself a rising entrepreneur while I’m here boyfriendless?” I accidentally let my thoughts slip out. I immediately shut my lips afterwards and quickly turned away, giving my attention to the elevator doors as if they were a fine piece of art worthy to be stared at.

“Well…” he started, tucking both of his hands in to the pockets of his jeans. “If only you looked more carefully around you, you might be scoring yourself a rising neurologist and not be boyfriendless.”

I gaped at his statement. He couldn’t be referring to himself, right? Right? I looked at him for confirmation and that look in his eyes was back; that look he always had whenever he saw me, that look which sent inexplicable warmth to my heart, that one look I couldn’t decipher.

Surprisingly, I was feeling a lot of things at the possibility that he might still have feelings for me too. I was rejoicing, I really was, but there was this other part of me which couldn’t help to feel doubtful. He didn’t fight for me in the past. What made him want me now?

 

 

 

“You’ve been awfully quiet,” he stated when his car stopped in front of a red light.

I had to gulp down my nervousness. “I was just thinking.”

“About?” he asked, turning his eyes to me, looking worried for a fraction of a second.

I looked back at him with intensity my eyes. I was having an internal battle in my head. I wanted to ask him, but I was scared to hear his answer. What if all these sweet moments were just happening in my mind? What if Baekhyun secretly had a girlfriend and was only being nice to me out of remorse of what he did in the past? What if―

“You’re scaring me,” he squeezed my hand to get my attention. I didn’t realize I had been in my head for far too long.

“I-I was just thinking,” I stuttered. “About you,” I paused. “About us,” I finally said and looked at him, trying to gauge his expression.

“What are we, Baekhyun?” I asked.

It was obvious from his reaction that he didn’t expect this confrontation, but the light turned green, so he had to release his hold from my hand and suddenly my palms felt so cold without his warmth. Am I this empty without him? I can’t be this dependent on him. Who knows what might happen, I told myself. His answer which I had been expected didn’t come right away. In fact, he didn’t answer at all. He kept his lips together as he drove me. Once again, he was silent and it broke my heart.

I sighed when we had reached my campus. “Thank you,” I said, my head hung low. “You don’t have to drop or pick me up again, Baekhyun. I can take care of myself and,” I paused and gulped, choking back the sob I was desperately trying to hold in. “You can forget what I just asked.”

I didn’t spare him even a glance. I was too immersed in my heartbreak that I didn’t see the fumes coming off of his head. He finally burst when I was about to open the door.

“That’s the problem with you!”

“What?” I snapped my head back at him, clearly taken aback. Only then I saw the pained look in his eyes.

“Every time,” he choked on his words as he let frustration got the best of him. “Every time,” he repeated. “You were scared to find the answer, you always took it upon yourself to figure it out in your head,” he said, his jaw hard.

I didn’t quite understand what he was trying to say and his frustration was rubbing on me because why was he even mad at me?

“Do you know how much I hated myself when you knew I used you back then? Do you know how my heart died when I ran from my class to find you, so I could explain everything to you? Do you even know how hard it was for me to see you walk away with a sad smile on your face, knowing I had broken your heart?” he asked, sounding very aggravated.

I was about to reply and say my piece when he opened his mouth again. “Yes, I used you so my ex would get back to me. Yes, it was very low of me, but you didn’t even want to listen to my explanation! Did you even know what I wanted to tell you back then? Did you even know that I wanted to tell you how happy you had made me feel in the last six months that we were together? That I no longer cared if my ex noticed me or not? That I really, really liked you?”

I was surprised hearing the new information. I felt happy, but angry at the same time. He could have saved me from the heartbreak all this while, but he kept his silence that afternoon of our breakup. He didn’t even run to stop me. How was I supposed to know his ex didn’t matter to him?

“Well, you should have said something back then!” I snapped back at him.

“I wanted to! But you freaking smiled at me even when I had probably broken your heart to pieces and I thought that I didn’t deserve you. I mean, how could you even forgive me so easily when I had caused you pain? You were so, so beautiful and you heart was kind and I was not. I used you and I was selfish and I didn’t say anything because I needed time to make sure my feelings for you were real because I didn’t want to hurt you again.”

“You didn’t have to think for this kind of things, Baekhyun!” I shouted at him again.

“No!” he shouted back, not out of anger, but to make sure I would just stop and listen to him. “No. You don’t understand. I had to think, okay? I had to think because I really, really didn’t want to hurt you again. You were the last person I would want to hurt. You meant so much to me that I had to think of everything so you would only get the best,” he told me. His voice was so much softer now, but his eyes were still zeroed on me.

“You still are. You still mean so much to me,” he choked on his sob as a tear fell down his cheek.

I was stunned. Baekhyun was in front of me, bare and raw from exposing his feelings and he was crying. He was crying as he undid himself. For me. He cried. Because of me.

“Baekhyun,” I called softly. I reached out to caress his cheek, to wipe the tears, and it broke my heart to see him crying. He leaned toward my palm and kissed the inside of my wrist as he held my hands in place.

“You were so quick to think I didn’t love you, to think that the last six months of us together meant nothing to me. All I did was making sure I was true to my feelings, so I wouldn’t hurt you again, so I could finally tell you confidently that you could have all of me, but you left. You left with a smile on your face and you didn’t even look back. I was hurt, but I thought I deserved it. I―”

Baekhyun didn’t get to finish his sentence because I knew then. I knew that he loved me four years ago and he loved me still. So I did what I had to do a long time ago. I kissed him.

His lips tasted a little salty, probably from his tears, but I didn’t mind. He gasped in surprise for a second, but responded right away when he knew I wasn’t pulling away anytime soon. Our lips molded against each so perfectly that I had a hard time breathing. My heart was beating so hard. Not out of anxiety, but out of joy. Joy of finding my love once again.

Baekhyun stopped sobbing altogether and brought his hand to the back of my neck to kiss me deeper. I didn’t complain. I even gave in to him and opened my mouth to let his tongue roam around the space he used to conquer back then. It was getting hotter in the car and we finally broke away when the lack of oxygen forced us back to reality.

“I’m sorry,” I said first as soon as we had stopped lip-locking. I stared into his eyes genuinely, hoping he could receive all the love I was trying to send out.

“I’m sorry, too,” he said, looking right back at me.

We let silence engulf us and we continued to stare into each other’s eyes, communicating through them. A while later, he lifted up one end of his lips in a subtle smirk. “I guess, it was all just a giant, ugly misunderstanding, eh?”

I chuckled and rolled my eyes playfully, “I guess.”

“So…” he said and took my hand. “What are we now?” he asked, smiling.

“I don’t know and, hey, I asked first!” I hit his shoulder playfully at the realization.

He laughed at my reaction and pulled me by my hand, drawing me closer to him. He called my name, his voice soft and warm, and he used his free hand to caress my chin lovingly. He dropped a kiss on my nose and smiled, “Do you want to be my girlfriend?”

My heart went fuzzy at his sweetness and I promised I must have blushed fifty shades of red by then, but this was Baekhyun we were talking about, and he always had this effect on me. I tried to play along, so I hummed, pretending to think, although the word yes was already right at the tip of my tongue. “What do I get if I say yes?” I asked, teasing him.

“A hot neurologist?” he suggested and my eyebrows were furrowed as if his offer wasn’t appealing enough. “Free rides to and from school?” he tried again and I gave him the side eye and leaned away from him. Seeing how I seemed to be repelled even more, he thought harder. It was funny to see him so worked up over this and gods he looked so adorable I just wanted to eat his cheeks. “Lots of steamy make-out sessions?” he finally suggested. He looked unsure, rather than y, even though his suggestion was leaning more toward the latter and I laughed at his expression.

I made sure there was no one around as I hiked up my dress and climbed over to Baekhyun. His eyes doubled in size when he saw what I was doing, but he didn’t complain. He even pushed his chair back when he got the gist of what I was doing and welcomed me with both of his hands on my waist as he helped me hop over to his seat. I made myself comfortable on his lap as I sat facing him, wrapping my arms around his neck. He smiled from ear to ear as he kept his hold around my waist.

“Is this a yes?” he asked, wiggling his eyebrows.

“What do you think?” I asked back, raising my eyebrows too.

“Well, this looks like a big, fat yes to you marrying me and bearing my children,” he teased back with a casual shrug.

My cheeks flared at that, but I didn’t want to let him win so easily. “Well, if you’re going to propose to me like this, you can marry your car, Doctor Byun,” I said and flicked his forehead.

“Okay. Okay. What my baby wants, she gets,” he relented. “Can I get my kiss now?” he puckered his lips.

I leaned away, playing hard to get again. “Only if you’ll tell Mr. Kim I am sick and cannot sit for his lecture today.”

“Naughty,” he growled softly under his breath and gave me a look. I only shrugged, grinning a little too widely from happiness. He smiled back and pulled me closer by my waist. Running his thumb over my cheek, he kissed me.

“Whatever you want, baby.”