WARNING!

POSSIBLE TRIGGER AHEAD!

     For a while, Youngbae started coming to Seungri's apartment every day to check on him. Seungri genuinely appreciated it & having his hyung there seemed to be helping, but he felt guilty for taking up so much of Bae's time. When he finally told Youngbae this, Bae made sure he knew that it was no trouble at all. Still, Seungri felt guilty. He didn’t feel like he was really worth the trouble. And he knew that his hyung had other things to do. Seungri insisted that he would be fine, but Youngbae said he didn’t want to leave him all alone. Finally, he was able to negotiate Bae down to just checking in with him on the phone every day & coming over once a week. 

     Jiyong really wished that Seungri hadn’t asked Youngbae to visit less. Ji tried his best to help the man he loved, but it seemed there was little he could do.

     Ri cried more when Youngbae was not there. But he did his best to make sure that Bae never knew it. He didn’t want to trouble him. 

     On the evening of the one month anniversary of Ji’s death, Seungri was supposed to meet the boys of Bigbang for dinner. They wanted to be all together on this night. To support each other. And to remember their leader. But as the day got closer, Ri felt a building sense of dread. He felt he couldn’t bear to receive their sympathy or have them see him as he was right then. He wasn’t doing as well as he let on, & he wasn’t sure that he could keep up the ruse in front of them. And he felt that they didn’t need that; to see their maknae break down in front of them. He was sure they were barely keeping it together themselves & he didn’t want to worry them more. 

     On the day of the dinner, he sent a text to their group chat & told them that he wasn't feeling well so he wouldn’t be attending the dinner, but he hoped that they would have a good time & that he loved them all. 

     Ji saw the message Ri sent to the boys & expected Ri to lie down for a nap afterwards, but he didn't. Instead, to Ji’s surprise, Seungri spent the rest of the afternoon cleaning his apartment. This seemed rather odd to Jiyong, but he thought perhaps this jump in energy was a good thing. Maybe his baby was feeling better! 

     Later that evening, Seungri got dressed & left the apartment, but Ji stayed behind. At least at first. He figured it was good that Seungri was finally getting back out into the world. He thought maybe Seungri had changed his mind & was going to meet the boys after all. Or maybe he was going to get some medicine for the cold he said he had. But something just felt off. Jiyong wasn't sure what or why. He could just feel something was wrong. So after a brief period of arguing with himself about the ethics of ghost-stalking his boyfriend, he decided to follow Seungri. 

     Ji didn’t take time for the elevator or the stairs, he simply appeared down on the sidewalk (He'd learned that trick quite by accident one day when he saw an ice cream truck out the window & popped out to flag it down for a nice, cool treat. Sadly, he hadn’t remembered that no one could actually see him until the ice cream truck drove right by his excitedly waving self). He glanced around & saw Seungri just as he turned the corner a couple of blocks away. Ji quickly flew around the corner & followed Seungri at a distance as he walked toward the Han River. He didn't think much about the direction they were going until they were on the bridge.

     No one but Ji noticed Seungri as he stepped up onto the rail in the growing darkness. 

     Jiyong's heart dropped as he heard Seungri's voice inside his head:

     “I'm sorry, Jiyong," Seungri whispered as he stepped off the ledge. 

     “NOOOOO!" Ji screamed. 

     Instantly, he was at the rail, but Seungri was already plummeting toward the waves below. Ji didn't even stop to think about what he was doing or whether he could actually help. He just jumped in after him.

Author’s Note

This story is not, in any way, meant to romanticize depression, or suicide. Because it isn’t romantic. It is painful. Please, if you struggle with depression or have thoughts of suicide, find somebody you can trust & talk to them about it. You are welcome to talk to me if you like. 

You ARE worth it. 

You ARE cared for. 

You are NOT alone.