The days since I've come to know you



Yoseob doesn’t deny it.

He doesn’t deny it when everyone tells him that he’s cute—doesn’t shy away and says that he’s not because he knows he is. He knows what he’s supposed to do to make all the females who’re watching (and possibly some males) squeal in happiness and it feels good to hear them.

Of course, it always does. They’re like music to his ears.

But there’s only so much a person can eat before he gets full, and by then, even the most appetizing dish would never appeal to him as much as it used to. It doesn’t mean that the food is no longer delicious because it is, it still tastes great. It’s just—

He’s no longer hungry anymore.





Although there are times when you whine to me like this,



“Seob-ah, you have to sleep.” Doojoon flips to his right, reaching over the barrier between their beds and pats his head. “If your throat closes in the morning, just warm them back again.”

And when morning comes, Yoseob sees his leader telling the rest of s, and then to the rest of the world (through his twitter) and he says he’s proud of Yoseob. They are all proud of him, and he receives compliments from everyone he sees, including his fans from all around the world.

And Yoseob knows he’s a horrible person—he’s horrible for not telling the truth and making everyone see him as someone who’s much better than he really is—for hiding the fact that it’s not because he’s dedicated to his job or he’s passionate or he wants to do the best he can on stage to bring the best performance that everyone deserves (all of these are true, but they are not the main reasons why).

Yoseob doesn’t sleep because he’s afraid—because he knows that he’s not the best singer around and if he’s not the best, then he has no right to live like one. It seems dedicated and it makes everyone amazed by him but Yoseob isn’t noble like that.

The five of them should never be proud. They should be ashamed of Yoseob because a good singer would never have to be afraid of something like that. The five of them never had to worry, never had to stay awake on purpose just like him because all of them are good singers and rappers and dancers and Yoseob will never be good enough to measure up to them.





People always tells him that he has the cutest cheek in the whole world—that they want to pinch it, want to fold him up and keep him in their pockets because he’s a little toy with a tiny face and beautiful eyes.

Everyone pampers him because he’s like a little kid—their little dongsaeng and maybe, that’s the problem.

Maybe that’s the reason why Yoseob will always be a burden to his band mates. They don’t say it out loud, but he knows it’s true. He knows that even though the five of them always tell him that they are thankful for him (for his beautiful voice), it doesn’t change the fact that he was never meant to be a part of them.

They are beast, and beasts are anything but cute.

Yoseob will never be a beast—he’ll never be charming enough to be the nation's boyfriend, never be handsome enough to call himself male god, never be muscular enough to have honey abs, never be confident enough to be called a dancer, never be talented enough to write songs and rap.

All of them are perfect—like pieces of white papers—clean and spot-free, and Yoseob is like the tiny dot of ink that stains all of it. The dirt that stains all of them.

He can sing, but so do the other five of them. So do many other people in the world. And Yoseob knows that someone else can definitely do a better job than him. He knows that somewhere, there’ll be someone who can sing better than him and yet still possess all the qualities he’ll never ever gain in his whole life to qualify as a beast.

He’s not good enough (will never ever be good enough), and without him, beast definitely would’ve climbed higher because Yang Yoseob is cute, but cute isn't a talent—isn't anything at all. Cute just makes him a kid in everyone's eyes, and unless he stops being a kid, he'll always be the one that slows everyone down.





Although sometimes I'm feeling down,



He starts the day with the same morning routine—being slapped in the feet by Doojoon (because the leader always wakes up before everyone else does) multiple times until he wakes up (because it's four in the morning and they only had two hours of sleep) and everything else becomes chaotic just like it always has—taking turns to use the bathrooms, packing bags, making quick breakfast and forcing it down their throats just as quick, finding socks, wearing shoes, making last checks, switching off the lights and closing the door—before all of them ends up in the lift.

They end up in the lift after forty minutes and Dongwoon (finally) makes an abrupt jerk before turning to Yoseob and hugging him tightly.

"Hyung!" He screams into his shoulder. "Hyung—oh my god—happy birthday!"

"Yah don't move!" Junhyung screams from the other end. "The lift is not big enough for your fat to move around so stay put before I suffocate to death and come back to haunt you."

"Dongwoon-ah, thank you. But—" Yoseob tries releasing himself carefully (because he doesn't think he wants to hear Junhyung nag even further) and his head to the side. "Why didn't you call me Hyung when you wished me on twitter yesterday?"

"Because," The door opens and everyone shuffles out one by one. "You look so young that I sometimes forget you're my hyung."





The one thing that is common between all trainees—no matter which company they belong to—is that they will all experience failure. And while there are the lucky few talented ones that managed to hit the bull’s eye at the first try, it doesn't mean that they didn't meet with a few incidents on their way to the archery field.

And despite having higher chances of succeeding in the industry if you’re backed by a respective company, it gets a little harder because people now have higher expectations. They have higher expectations which means that if the trainees want to be able to ride the road that had been smoothly map out by their successful seniors, they got to have what it takes and then more.

Yoseob had been in JYP long enough to see other trainees experiencing failures and setbacks before seeing each of them finally getting recognized and given the chance to shine and the opportunity they rightfully deserved. All of them trip and fell, but he probably had it worse. He probably was the one that experienced the same failures and setbacks except twice as much.

So when one of the CEOs decided to leave and set up his own company, he finds it puzzling that he’s one of the few that were brought along with him.

He doesn’t understand why President Hong would promise him a chance to debut when there are so many other trainees that would’ve been much (so much) better to make that promise to.





And sometimes I get annoyed,



The 6 of them settles down on their respective chairs—after bowing and shaking hands with the interviewer—and there was a thumb up and a countdown before the camera rolls. The camera rolls, and Yoseob wonders if the interviewer knows it's his birthday today.

He wants her to know—wants her to realize that he's no longer twenty two years old because he's twenty three now—that he'd grown up. He wants her to understand that he has matured and is an adult now (he'd legally been an adult since three years ago but no one seems to notice that) so she shouldn't associate him with cute anymore. She shouldn't compliment him and tell him that he's adorable anymore.

Except it seems like everyone will always miss the point that he's not a kid anymore because—

"You're the youngest?" The interviewer widens her eyes and Dongwoon stops in his sentence. "I thought Yoseob-shi was the youngest."

Yoseob tries to force a laugh out his throat.





Even though sometimes we become exhausted from pain,



Junhyung’s and Hyunseung’s closets are always filled with nice and beautiful clothes.

They are equipped with the best fashion sense—are always updated with the latest trend—and always know the kind of clothes that fits them best or the kind of accessories that best matches each set of clothes they have.

Yoseob is always clad in simple t-shirts and jeans and caps and high cut sneakers because they are the kind of clothes that are the easiest to match. He doesn’t know anything about vests or fedoras or rings—doesn’t know boots and hats and bags.

But the fans always tell him that he looks nice.

And Yoseob knows that it’s probably because he’s a kid—he’s a little kid even to all the fans and they will always compliment him like how parents compliment their children, even if what the children accomplished is nothing worthy to be complimented.





Everyone wants to fold him up and keep him in their pockets—everyone tells him that he’s adorable.

But Yoseob doesn’t want adorable—he trains hard every single day to have honey abs like Kikwang because he doesn’t just want to be cute.

He wants y—wants romantic and swag and charming and cool—and he wants to be someone’s ideal type, not their toys.





I'm happy being with you



But maybe it's because Yoseob is so used to rejections—so used to being around people who always looked down on him and tell him that he'll never be good enough—that he sometimes forget that Doojoon and Junhyung and Hyunseung and Kikwang and Dongwoon are all different from the others.





"He looks like a little boy that needs us to take care of him but—" Junhyung pauses and looks at Yoseob before smiling and crinkling his eyes. "He does the weirdest thing we could ever imagine when we’re upset. He’s the best for laughter and smiles.”

Doojoon nods in agreement and looks at the interviewer. “Always doing the unimaginable to cheer us up.”

"He even buys us medicine whenever we're sick." Hyunseung adds.





And perhaps Yoseob had been too caught up about missing the bull's eyes at the first try to remember that there are many good and famous archers of the world who missed theirs too.





Our precious days,



It's just another late supper back at the dorm.

It's a normal meal with nothing special—nothing like surprises or cakes or balloons or banners or party poppers because there's no time to prepare them at all—so it's just the six of them having a meal together late in the night because there's too much schedules in the day for dinner to be possible.

It's just the six of them—nothing out of the ordinary and nothing unique—but Yoseob thinks that he'll never be able to forget this day.





All our happy moments



Because Yoseob guesses that at the end of the day, he still wants to be the kid after all since it’s the kids that are allowed to throw unreasonable tantrums and get away with it.





“I’m not playing anymore.” He throws the controller on the floor while Dongwoon rises from the couch and performs his victory dance. “This game .” He folds his arms across his chest and pouts.

“Yeah it .” Kikwang laughs and pulls him off the couch. “We’ll go buy some other games so Dongwoonie will know who’s the boss, yeah?”





It’s the kids that can do the most ridiculous things and never be judged.





“Yah—” He shakes the bulge on the bed under the covers. “Yong Junhyung, you better wake up now.”

The older flips to the other side (the side without the sun shining in through the window) and grumbles before attempting to slap the vocalist off the bed.

Yoseob picks up the rapper’s phone—picks it up and chooses a song before turning the volume to maximum—and dances to it.

Dongwoon rushes in from the living room and joins him (because the dance from Change is addictive and popular and everything fun and interesting) but Doojoon follows rapidly after and pulls the maknae out, telling him that he looks really stupid and crazy.





It’s the kids that always get what they want.





“I like to steal Hyunseungie’s food.” And the interviewer breaks out into a smile. “Because he’s least likely to hurt me, so if I take his food, it’s easy.”

The dancer stares into the camera and blinks for a few seconds before—

“Yeah.” And Doojoon laughs and hits Hyunseung repeatedly. “Yeah, it’s true.”





It’s the kids that dared to dream big because they are filled with endless of courage and bravery.





“Your height is shorter than everyone else’s but—” He stares at his reflection through the mirror every morning and smile. “—I know your dreams are bigger than all of theirs.”





When I'm by your side like today,



But the most important thing that kids can do—the most influential and the most powerful ability that they have—is that they are happy pills by nature. They are the special and unique solutions to the most difficult problem that adults have.





All my days spent are happy



Doojoon walks back to the living room with a can of soda in his hand but he trips on a wire on the floor and falls forward—he falls forward towards Junhyung and he recovers himself except the soda is now all over the rapper's shirt and hair and he screams (because what the hell Yoon Doojoon, what the hell?) before standing up and chasing his leader all over the dorm. Doojoon pulls Kikwang up in front of him as a human barrier and Dongwoon instinctively follows (because what the hell hyung, you're too gigantic for Kwangie-hyung to block).

Hyunseung picks up a piece of meat and dips it into the sauce.

Yoseob looks at all of them—looks at the four who are chasing each other around and the one who’s beside ignoring him and enjoying his meal in his own little world—and he realizes that he would never want it any other way.





So please be proud of me,



Most of the time, kids are seen as burdens—they are unreasonable and demanding and noisy and annoying and are dependent on the adults to take care of them.

They are burdens, but their parents still love them all the same anyway. And while Yoseob will never know if there’ll ever come the day when he will be good enough to deserve all of this—will never know if he can eventually become the person everyone else expects him to be—there’s still one thing he can promise them.

He can promise that he will be the best he can ever be.

He will be the best he can ever be so the whole world can go on wanting Doojoon as their boyfriend—can continue to worship Dongwoon and demand to see Kikwang’s abs wave and be awed by Hyunseung’s dance and be proud of Junhyung for producing beautiful songs.

And Yoseob knows that even though the grass will always be greener on the other side of the fence—

It’s still pretty green over here.





Today, tomorrow, everyday, always, just like right now



The six of them sleeps in the living room that night.

And as the light flickers off and he leans into his pillow and closes his eyes, Yoseob guesses that while being the kid might not necessarily be the best thing in the world—

"Hyung," He hears Dongwoon from his far right. "Hyung, can we all wake up early tomorrow and have ice-cream for breakfast? Please please please?"

"Son Dongwoon," Junhyung kicks the maknae (but ends up kicking nothing because it's dark and his night blindness issue ). "Stop acting cute."

—it's not like anyone can be one even if they want to anyway.





Please be by my side forever.