Sometimes pretending to be someone you’re not is the hardest ing thing to do. Sometimes it tears you to pieces, a little more with every smile that you have to paint over the pain. Some days you want nothing more than to shout from the top of your lungs every secret that you had to hide from every person that should know you so well until your throat is raw and your voice hoarse. Other days you want to curl up in a ball in the corner and slowly disappear from the world, letting the darkness overcome you. Instead you walk through the halls and streets, always feeling like you’re on the outside, looking upon a world that would never accept you. I desperately wanted to be a part of that world. If I could relinquish my identity to stand with them, to walk with them, I would. But I couldn’t. So I pretended instead. And walked the line between my empty world and their beautiful one.

That line started to crumble as soon as Risa entered the class room.

“A foreigner?” someone from the back whispered.

“I heard she’s from Japan,” another said.

“I bet she doesn’t even speak English.” A few more whispered comments fluttered about but they soon died as the teacher and what looked to be our new student, walked into the classroom.

The girl in question stood at the front, looking nothing like the small, meek Japanese schoolgirl that anime and random shows stereotyped her as. The first difference was her height, standing at about my own height, which was a few inches shy of six feet. Her expression, too, didn’t fit. She peered at the class as though she was seeing right through everyone. Her face didn’t give away any hint as to what she thought, not even showing a bit of a smile. Neon pink and green chunks of her hair weaved through her natural black and the same colors were found painted around her eyes. She wore a graphic tee, and skinny jeans with suspenders and the cuffs rolled up to show off black socks with pink polka dots. Almost immediately, I thought of her as some sort of free spirit, the type that did what they wanted without a single thought of others’ opinions. And a second after that, I already formed a deep envy of her.

“Class, this is Risa Sakimoto,” Mr. Hapton introduced with a wave of his arm. “She’s come a long way from Kyoto, Japan, so I hope you guys help her feel welcome here.” Everyone waited in silence for her to say something, or do something, as though she was a circus animal that needed a little more encouragement. She only stared.

“Well,” Mr. Hapton coughed, and shuffled on his feet for a moment. “You can take that empty seat next to Sungmin.” Again, not a word was spoken as she briskly walked to the desk adjacent to mine and sat down. I snuck a glance at her while the teacher gathered his papers for the lesson. Once again, she remained completely expressionless.

“Today we will look at...” Mr. Hapton started, and I opened my notebook, ready to take down notes.

“So you are Korean?” I jumped at the sound of her voice, not expecting her to actually whisper anything to me. Her voice was soft, sweet even, but lacked any sort of emotion. It also lacked much of an accent. All of her words were pronounced correctly, as though it was her first language but it sounded just slightly off.

“Uh, y-yeah,” I stuttered, as I turned to look at her. The intensity of her gaze made me feel like a specimen under a microscope. I wondered if she would be like the Japanese my parents would always talk about who had this grudge against Koreans due to their history.

“You do have strange eyes,” she muttered before looking back to the front.

“Um, thanks?”

Silence followed my words and she never said another word throughout the rest of the class. When the bell rang, a few curious students gathered around her, but never opened to answer any of their questions. I slid away unnoticed, heading to my next class.

I didn’t see Risa again until lunch. Tray in hand, I skirted around the building to an abandoned garden that was started by an ambitious green club a few years back. No one really went back there after the club fell apart during its debut year. I typically had the spot to myself, but this day was different. Risa sat on the ground, resting against the wall. She looked up at my appearance.

“Is this your spot?” she asked.

“Uh, no, sorry for, uh, disturbing you,” I said, taking a step back.

“Did I say you needed to leave?”

“No, but-”

“Then sit down. You don’t need to leave just because I’m here.” I hesitantly did what she said, setting my tray on my lap, unsure of what to do next. I grabbed my sandwich and nibbled on the edge, trying to look anywhere but at her. “You don’t speak much.”

“The same could be said about you.” I muttered quietly.

“I guess you’re right about that.” A few minutes of silence passes between us and she closed her eyes again. I took another bite of my sandwich before gaining the courage to speak to her again.

“You’re not going to eat?”

“American food is ,” she said, before peeling her eyes open and looking at my lunch tray. “I’ll have your carrots, if you can part with them.” I looked down at the four carrots I added to my tray as an afterthought and then nodded to her. She grabbed them and started to munch quietly on them. “Even American carrots are .”

“I think it’s just the school’s carrots.”

“So my mom was right. School food is no better than cattle feed.”

“Your mom said that?”

“Yeah. She lived here, before I was born. She wanted to make a bento for me, but she’s pretty exhausted with the move.”

“My mom usually just leaves a few dollars on the counter and lets me fend for myself. Not that I trust her cooking anyways.” Risa snorted.

“It can’t be that bad.”

“Not when it comes to the usual stuff, like sandwiches, or the heat and serve stuff, but as soon as the words ‘I’ve found a new recipe’ leave , my dad looks through the takeout menus.” I thought my words had lured her back into some sort of silence, but I heard the snap of a carrot breaking and a crazed smile rose to her face.

“It’s settled then,” she said firmly and put another carrot in .

“What is?”

“You’re coming over for dinner tonight.” I almost choked on the bite of sandwich in my mouth, but somehow managed to swallow it down.

“W-wait, what?” I shouted a little too loud, as tears prickled behind my eyes. I took a drink of water, clearing my throat a bit. “No, I mean, I can’t just go to your house for dinner.”

“Do you have other plans?”

“No—”

“Then there is no problem.”

“But—”

“Just meet me here after school.” My mouth shut so fast that my teeth clicked together. Was there any way to reason with this girl? Before I knew it, the bell was ringing for the next class and I had to cram another bite into my mouth so I didn’t starve later. She pulled herself up off the wall, passing by me without more than a stern glance. I supposed it was a warning not to stand her up. Watching her retreating form, I noticed more than a few heads turn as she walked past. In this neighborhood, you’d be hard pressed to find anyone with such an eccentric and bright style. You’d also be hard pressed to find someone who could so easily sweep you away.

“Sungmin,” a guy called, bringing my focus back to my need to actually get back in the building. Standing at the doors in was Kyuhyun, with a mess of dark curls on his head and a pair of glasses resting on the bridge of his nose. He spent his lunches preparing with the math club for their “mathalon” or whatever they called it. Secretly, I always thought it was nothing more than a bunch of nerds gathering to geek out about math and science — things most people would find weird. This guy was also one of the few people I could call my friend, though we rarely acted the part. But since there were very few Korean guys at the school, we stuck together.

I hurried to the door, our unspoken meeting place for the short walk to the next class we had together.

“Did you finish Notch’s assignment?” I asked and he rolled his eyes in reply. “Yeah, I know.” I dropped my tray off as we passed the cafeteria kitchen and continued on our way.

“It wouldn’t be so bad if he wasn’t so obviously trying drill into our heads that ‘technology will destroy the world’ or some like that. I mean, having us look up ways that computers or video games have a lasting effect totally isn’t going to lead to a hundred reports on video games leading to violence or cell phones leading to incapacitated social abilities.”

“What’d you write yours on?”

“Video games leading to violence.” I snorted and he shrugged. “Just because I don’t agree with it, doesn’t mean I can’t easily bull my way through an essay on it. I have more important things to spend my time on. What about you?”

“On how video games can lead to lowered levels of cortisol in young adults.”

“Bet that was a challenge,” he said, rounding the corner.

“More than it needed to be, that’s for sure. Trying to find articles on it among the violent video games articles was like finding a needle in a haystack.”

“Should have went with my topic.”

“Hindsight is always 20/20, huh?”

“Foresight can be too,” he said as we walked into the classroom. I was surprised to see Risa talking to the teacher, or rather listening to him talk. I sighed and followed Kyuhyun to our usual seats in the back.

“Who’s the new girl?” he asked, more to himself.

“Risa, here from Japan.” He turned to face me, with an eyebrow raised. “She was in one of my earlier classes.”

“She looks like a handful.”

“Trust me, she’s something else. Already invited me to dinner at her place.” Kyuhyun’s eyes grew impossibly wide behind the frames.

“That’s pretty bold.” I nodded in agreement. “But hey, she seems cool. Definitely a change from all the wannabes around, and not bad looking either.”

“You’re not already crushing on her, are you?” He shrugged.

“No, but I certainly wouldn’t say no to dinner with her.” A spark of pain ignited in my chest, but I shoved it underneath layers of “not now.” Fortunately, I didn’t have to respond to that, because Risa caught sight of us, and headed straight our way. In her wordless way, she sat down in the seat next to mine and pulled out a notebook and pencil from her bag. The teacher began the lesson, spending only a brief minute introducing Risa to the class. I half expected her to take notes, but instead she spent the entire class period either fiddling with her pencil, or doodling in the notebook. I heard about schools in Japan having stricter education and being much more advanced. Maybe this was all a repeat for her.

Class ended with the teacher assigning some sort of worksheet. The bell rang a minute after that as we were packing up our stuff. Risa shoved everything into her bag, not bothering to say anything before heading straight to the door. I was a bit more careful with my things, sliding my notebook between two others and tucking my pencil into one of the other pockets in my bag.

“Hey, Sungmin,” Kyuhyun started, already pulling his backpack on his shoulder. “Are you free Friday?”

“Nah,” I said, standing up as well. I glanced at the clock noting that I only had two minutes to run upstairs to my next class. “I need to—”

“What about Saturday?” I looked at him, seeing him look more unsure of himself than I had probably ever seen. I wondered what it was about but people in the next class taking their seats reminded me of where I needed to be.

“I really need to head to class,” I said already halfway out the room. “I’ll talk to you later about it.”

“Sure,” he called out, walking in a different direction. His next class wasn’t too far away. I had to take the stairs two at a time and even then I knew I was going to be late. All but running, I raced down the hallway. Luck happened to be on my side, as I managed to get to my next class right as the bell rang. This was the one class I looked forward to every day. It wasn’t the subject, nor the teacher that made me even dream of this class sometimes. Instead, it was the person sitting two rows ahead of me, who usually wore a pleasant smile on his handsome face.

Siwon Choi. Smart, athletic, friendly, and all around good guy. Very few people had anything bad to say about him, unless provoked by jealousy. No rumors or scandals diminished his reputation. He was one of the most popular guys at school just by making friends wherever he went. Teachers loved him as well, and he always went out of his way to help people out. He probably was far from being the schools biggest heart throb, but I knew he didn’t lack in admirers. When it came to Siwon, God cheated and gave him everything nice.

And he was the one I currently had the biggest crush on.

I always spent this class staring off into space, imagining what it would be like if we ever went out. Most of what the teacher said never made it into my mind, instead I would carefully listen for Siwon’s voice. His voice was like velvet, soft and gentle, deeper than mine. Even if he never turned that voice towards me, I would die happy if I could just listen to it and nothing else. Listening to it had me forgetting that this was my last class of the day and that in less than an hour I would have to meet Risa for dinner. I could live in this dream world just a little while longer.