Yunho remembered the day when he first laid his eyes on a certain dazzling beauty. His androgynous look captivated both men and women around him – having all of them warped around his ironically chubby fingers. He was the school’s King. Yunho was the school’s President. He was the school’s delinquent. Yunho was the school's savior. They were on complete opposite worlds yet somehow, Yunho was enticed by him – Kim Jaejoong.

 The golden locks and alluring brown eyes lined heavily around with eyeliners. A smile warmer than the sunshine and an addictive laughter. Mischievous lips and a vixen glint. A kind soul and a beautiful heart. Yunho didn’t know which was it that made him fall so hard for Jaejoong but nevertheless, the love and desire conquered his heart naturally.

You are my sweetest downfall. I loved you first, I loved you first. Beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth. I have to go. – Regina Spektor || Samson

                It was one of the normal and calming days for Yunho – the never unchanging moments he lived in. Fulfilling his responsibilities as a student body president, as a student and a son. Quiet peace the school library had given him gave him comfort all these years though he had no idea from where was the source of his stress from. He had a loving family – a caring father and a loving mother – irreplaceable friends and a bright future ahead of him. What more could he want? That was one of the reasons why he frequents the library. Another reason was…

 His eyes trailed up towards the rooftop of the opposite school building. The moment his eyes caught a familiar figure – a figure he had been observing for a while – he diverted his gaze, pretending to look around at the clouds instead. Stretching his arms upwards, he let out a fake yawn. From the corner of his eyes, he saw the figure sprinted away, leaving the rooftop. With a speed that even Flash could lose, Yunho gathered his stuff and ran to the door – leaving the comfort of his library. He adjusted his glasses placed on the bridge of his nose and sprinted away when a loud voice called out for him from behind.

                Jaejoong let out an exasperated yell causing Yunho’s body to flinch in the distance. Though he was enchanted but Kim Jaejoong was definitely someone whom Yunho would stay away. The people around him would always advise him to stay away from people like Jaejoong – saying they are bad seeds that will influence a golden egg like him.

                The next morning, Yunho’s eyes naturally wandered towards Jaejoong’s seat in the class. It was not a surprise seeing it empty for the first and second period but come the fourth period and Jaejoong was still not there. Yunho thought something was wrong – Jaejoong was rebellious, yes but not the type to skip school for the whole day. That was what set Jaejoong apart from other delinquents. He was a kind kid, a lost soul waiting to be guided back. Plus, he was smart enough to be a student in the first class. During the lunch break, Yunho got up to search for Jaejoong discreetly. Searching for him high and low only to find the missing boy dozing off on the rooftop.

                Yunho let out a sigh of relief, the worst case scenario didn't happen to Jaejoong at least. The gentle breeze swept Jaejoong’s face, his hair waving along with the wind. His eyeliner was evident but with his eyes closed, it didn’t look as menacing as it used to. His lips slightly apart, suddenly it moved, literally.

                “Are you having fun watching someone sleeping?” Jaejoong’s eyes popped open as he got up to sit, folding his legs together. “Are you a ert? You were watching me all this time too.” Jaejoong inched his face closer to Yunho.

                Yunho was not sure what to do, but didn't want to lose dominance, refused to jerk his head away even when Jaejoong was a breath away from him. Yunho’s eyes crossed, trying to focus on Jaejoong’s face. The sight of Yunho made Jaejoong laughed so hard he threw his head back, slapping the guy on the arms.

                “Okay, sure! I’ll be your friend.” Jaejoong put his arm around Yunho’s shoulder and pulled him back causing him to lay flat on his back.

                “Wha- what are you doing?” Yunho was flabbergasted by Jaejoong’s sudden familiarity.

                “Going back to sleep," Jaejoong replied as he tucked one of Yunho’s arms under his head.

                “I know that but what are you doing? Friends?” Yunho jerked his head away, unable to pull his arm free. “I have many friends. Why would I be friends with you?” Yunho stuttered on his words.

                “Then, why are you looking at me like that?” Jaejoong rose from his armrest - turning around to lay flat on his stomach, arms propping him up as he stared into Yunho’s eyes. “If you claim you had friends around you, then why do your eyes look so sad, so lonely?”

                The question got Yunho flustered. Was he always like that when he looked at Jaejoong? Had Jaejoong always seen him as a sad and pathetic nerd? Unable to answer the question, Yunho scrambled up to his feet and ran away. At that time he felt , exposed. He was not sure why but it felt as if Jaejoong’s eyes went through him, judging him for what’s inside him – what he truly felt. The feelings he tried to deny over the years were bare to Jaejoong and he didn’t like it. It was so hard for him to conceal, not to feel. But Jaejoong knew. He didn’t like it.

                Yunho came home only to be greeted by the menacing silence of loneliness in his home. He walked towards the kitchen's table, dragging his bag with him. A sticky note was placed on top that read off; ‘Busy tonight. No time to cook. Order a take out. Love you.' and a folded bill was placed next to it. Crumpling the note, Yunho ignored the money for his dinner – his appetite was gone. He shuts himself in his room, calling on his friends from school. Every single one of them ignored his calls, leaving Yunho with nothing but a silent line. Yunho threw his phone away as Jaejoong’s words crept up to the back of his mind.

                Yunho snapped, leaving his house without slipping in his shoes, he ran out as fast as he could to let the frustrations out. He ran and ran until his feet were full of blisters, ignoring the pain as he ran some more. Yunho collapsed at a park, panting heavily on the bench. Tears from incomprehensible emotions that balled up in him sting his eyes. Since no one was around, his sobbing was loud and clear, or so he thought.

                “.” A sly voice was heard over his constant sobbing. “I was right. Yup, I’m right.”

                “What do you know?” Yunho gritted his teeth, suppressing his anger. “Do you even know me?”

                “Well, for one. I got the part where you’re lonely right.” The voice replied causing Yunho to bolt up, sitting on the bench as he wiped away his tears.

                “Kim Jaejoong?” Yunho asked for confirmation. If the voice was really Jaejoong’s he swore he would jump off the cliff near the park.

                “Hey hoo.” Jaejoong’s head popped up from behind a tree, waving his hands.

                God, not him. Yunho got up to throw himself off but Jaejoong stopped him after much struggle. “You were right, so what?” Jaejoong noticed Yunho was out of his usual character.

                “So, this is what you’re truly like.” Stretching out his hand, “I’m Kim Jaejoong. Call me KJung.”

                “KJung my ," Yunho muttered under his breath but was completely audible to Jaejoong.

                “Wow, 180 change. I’m amazed. Jung Yunho.” Jaejoong grabbed his own hand instead after it seemed like Yunho won’t be taking it. “Since I’ve already hit the nail this morning, can I make another wild guess?”

                Yunho couldn't imagine anything more than what he said this morning so he just let the boy continue on. "Sure, say whatever you want. It's not like I can stop you anyway."

                “Did you stare at me because you’re jealous of me?” Another one of Jaejoong’s antique Yunho couldn’t predict. “I mean, the way I’m dressed, styled – everything about me. You’re jealous right?”

                Yunho stared at him from head to toe all the while making an obnoxious face.

                “I didn’t mean that. I meant the freedom I had. You’re jealous right?” Last blow. Everything Jaejoong said was unpredictable but correct – there was no way Yunho would acknowledge that. The busy family he had, the fake friends around him who were just using him for benefits and a future he never wanted – the freedom he never tasted. Yunho left the park, leaving a widely grinned Jaejoong. “See you tomorrow, friend!”

You are my sweetest downfall. I loved you first, I loved you first. Beneath the stars came fallin' on our heads. But they're just old light, they're just old light – Regina Spektor || Samson

                “Good morning, friend!’ Jaejoong greeted Yunho loudly in the early morning causing students around them to turn their heads. Low murmurs and whispers could be heard around Yunho – if yesterday didn’t happen, Yunho would have ignored him and ran away, sticking true to the prejudiced eyes but now he didn’t care.

                “Mornin'," Yunho replied back.

                “Let’s ditch.” Jaejoong pulled him nearer with his arm around Yunho’s neck.

                “But you’ve never ditched before.” Yunho retorted and snickered a comment; ‘delinquent my foot’.

                Jaejoong knocked Yunho by the head, ignoring the little comment Yunho said. “Are you in or not?” Yunho nodded, he didn’t have much of a choice did he – an excuse he came up.

                The boys went up, hiding on top of the lifted rooftop. This would be the first time Yunho skipped class ever and he had never felt more alive – it was like a huge boulder had finally lifted up from his chest, allowing him to breathe again. Yunho breathed in the fresh air as Jaejoong stared at him. Jaejoong reached out for Yunho’s glasses and threw them off the building. “Now that’s better. You look more handsome this way.” Jaejoong said as he laid down on his back.

The days with Jaejoong passed by calmly – the insecurities he had, the suffocated feeling he felt all were blown away. Whenever he stumbled upon a wall in his life, it was Jaejoong who showed him the right way. Every time he had a breakdown, it was Jaejoong who came running to him. Always, throughout their high school years and now college years, it was Jaejoong who was always by his side. His good side, his bad side, and his fun side even his sad side – Jaejoong had seen it all and Yunho wished for the boy to remember them forever as he too will treasure the time he spent with Jaejoong. Time passed and the feeling he felt before – inferiority towards Jaejoong – now turns to something beautiful, a warm and calming feeling.

Samson came to my bed. Told me that my hair was red. Told me I was beautiful and came into my bed. Oh, I cut his hair myself one night. A pair of dull scissors in the yellow light. And he told me that I'd done alright. And kissed me 'til the mornin' light, the mornin' light – Regina Spektor || Samson

                Ever since they started college up until graduation; now almost nine years were passed, they had been living together – filling each day with more precious memories Yunho didn’t want to forget. The photos they took together were scattered in the living room. Yunho was busy going through one by one – reminiscing the past they had together.

                “Hey, Jae. Remember this?” Yunho shouted over the bustling of the kitchen as Jaejoong was busy preparing their dinner.

                Jaejoong took a glimpse and scoffed, “How do you expect me to remember that?” Jaejoong remark hurt Yunho a little. He could remember them, why not Jaejoong?

                “How about this one?” Yunho still wouldn’t give up as he ran up to Jaejoong and hugged him from behind. “Or this one? And this one?” Yunho shuffled the photo over and over again, his hot breath tickling Jaejoong’s ear.

                “Dinner’s ready.” Jaejoong avoided the topic and broke loose from Yunho’s embrace.

 "How come you've never remembered any of the memories unless I brought it up?" Yunho leaned against the kitchen’s counter, folding his arms on his chest.

                Jaejoong let down the food on the table waddled his way towards Yunho. He encircled his arms around Yunho’s neck, “As long as I remember you, isn’t that enough?” Jaejoong’s face bloomed into the most beautiful smile Yunho had always loved. He always knew how to thaw the ice around Yunho’s heart – a skill no one could master.

                “Fine then. Promise me you’ll remember me forever.” Yunho held out his pinky finger to Jaejoong. “You promise?”

                Jaejoong interlocked his pinky finger with Yunho’s and replied, “I’m serious.”

                The next morning, both of them rushed around the apartment – getting ready for work. It was Jaejoong’s first day to report to the company he was working for unlike Yunho who got a job at a renowned company – a job his parents decided for him – years ago.

                “Yunho-ya, have you seen my wallet?” Jaejoong scurried around the living room looking for his missing wallet.

                “It’s beside the bed. On top of the drawer.” Yunho said while he brews some morning coffee for them.

                “Yunho-ya. Have you seen my phone?” Jaejoong flipped around their bed to find his missing gadget but no luck.

                “Here, on the counter.” Yunho said without looking at Jaejoong and continued, “Don’t be nervous, okay? Just relax.” Yunho advised Jaejoong. In truth, Jaejoong was never nervous in the first place.

                The hectic days Jaejoong had throughout his working days were unpleasant and stressful. He kept on forgetting things and missing important details needed for his work. Every day he was scolded for it until he couldn’t take it anymore. He quit his job, continued his calming days. He told Yunho the whole ordeal except for the cause of it. Yunho said nothing about this matter, actually, he sort of understands Jaejoong – he was a free spirit. There was no way he could be bound to one place for a long time.

                “Hey! That’s not true, alright.” Jaejoong retorted as he busied himself with his cooking.

                “Really? Name one thing you stick to for a long time.” Yunho dared him, his focus was on the television.

                “You.” The whole apartment went silent, only the steaming sound of boiled water filled the air. It had been so long since they were together but their reactions were like newlyweds’. “I- uh. We ran out of salt. I’ll be right back.” Jaejoong stormed off without turning the stove off – something that he forgot to do – leaving a dumbfounded Yunho behind. An hour had passed and Jaejoong was not back yet.

                When Yunho noticed the burning smell drifting around their apartment, he quickly ran towards the stove – clicking it off. The water in the pot had drained and the ingredients inside were solid black. What the hell, Jae. Did he forget to turn this thing off? Yunho monolog to himself, an unsettling feeling crept up to the back of his mind. A few hours passed and Jaejoong was still not back yet. Fearing for the worst, Yunho left the apartment in search for Jaejoong. He searched high and low for the man – at the supermarket, the park they frequent but Jaejoong was not there. His feet trailed the usual path the both of them would take, hoping for Jaejoong to pop up in front of him blowing away his concerns.

                Just then his eyes fell on a familiar figure he had been looking for. The man seemed to be confused, pacing front and back in front of their apartment building. It looked like he was trying hard to remember something judging from his scrunched up face. Heaving a sigh, Yunho walked up to him causing the man to leap forward in surprise.

                “Where have you been? I’ve been sear-“ Yunho stopped in his words as soon as Jaejoong scrunched up face was replaced with a wide grin that filled up his face – Yunho knew the smile was fake.

                “Yunho-ya. I think there’s something wrong with me.” Jaejoong paused. “I forgot where our apartment is.”

Samson went back to bed. Not much hair left on his head – Regina Spektor || Samson

                It has been months since Jaejoong’s first diagnosis – the only diagnosis Jaejoong ever wanted to hear. After that Jaejoong refused all sorts of treatment, saying the things those doctors said was bull and lies. He himself felt healthy, he said. There was no way he wouldn't know his own brain, he said. But those statements brought no justice to the declining condition he was in. The only doctor's words were scientific, too much to be handled at first.

                “There has been a plaque, composed of amyloid-β peptide, detected that exerted local toxic effects to Kim Jaejoong’s brain.” The doctor slowly explained.

                “I’m sorry but please make it simple so we could understand.” Yunho pleaded, hiding the desperation in his voice.

                “Excessive deposits of amyloid-β that are believed to have caused Kim Jaejoong’s condition attacked the brain's long-term memo-“ The doctor was choosing his words carefully before he was rudely interrupted by Jaejoong.

                “Are you saying, I have dementia?” Jaejoong’s voice echoed the silent room. “I’ve read about that before I came here.” Jaejoong paused as he fiddled with his fingers. “Seeing you’re not responding, I guess it’s true.” Jaejoong got up and bowed down to the doctor, showing his gratitude. “Thank you for diagnosing me but I think you’re wrong, doctor. I’m still in my late 20s. Please, excuse me.” He stormed out of the room, pulling Yunho out as well.

                Jaejoong wished for days to pass like normal – back to the days before they heard his diagnose. Yunho honored his wish; never saying another word about it in front of Jaejoong when actually behind his back, Yunho had been frantically, desperately searching for a cure, a treatment – anything to make Jaejoong happy again. The genuine smile Jaejoong had before was now gone, not a fragment of it remained. When Yunho came back from his work, the house was silent. The living room and kitchen were vacant and fear took over Yunho’s logical mind – scared he went out and forgot this way back. Yunho was about to dash back out when he heard a despaired sobbing coming from their bedroom. Jaejoong had his back hunched down, his shoulders vibrated with the force. His silent cries broke Yunho’s heart.

                One day out of the blue Jaejoong said this to Yunho with a big smile on his face. “Yunho-ya. Maybe.” Jaejoong paused and fiddled with his finger, a habit he picked up after his first diagnose. “Maybe we should stop this. You and I. All these years it had been you who had remembered everything. It’s not fair for you.” Jaejoong lifted his face, tears streaming down his smile plastered face. “I even promised to remember you. Now, I don’t have the confident to fulfill that promise. Yunho, I-“ Jaejoong stopped talking after he saw stone cold expression Yunho had. It was as if the man didn't have emotions, to begin with – like he had forsaken all his feelings.

 "If I still remember the memories we had, then that's enough. You don't need to do anything. Just." A lump in his throat caused Yunho to stop, his emotionless expression slowly changed. “Just stay by my side.” The façade Yunho had masked, the feelings he tried so hard to turn off overwhelmed him. Yunho bent forward, grasping Jaejoong’s hands in his own. Tightening his grip, he began to cry; silently screaming, suffocating with each breath he took. “Let me take care of you. Don’t push me away. Please.”

                There was no way Jaejoong could reject Yunho, seeing him this way because of him. All this time he was the cause for Yunho’s smile and now, he was the one to cause sorrow and grief on the poor man. How could he ever live with himself but he could never let go of Yunho’s hand. Jaejoong promised himself to try his best – leaving only good memories for Yunho to remember.

                Days turned weeks and weeks turned months. It had been a year since the misfortune fell upon them and Jaejoong’s condition worsened – he couldn’t do normal chores and control his body system anymore. Yunho had decided to quit his job, giving his focus to Jaejoong. Yunho had done everything he thought would help Jaejoong – sliding ground medicine into Jaejoong’s drinks, posting sticky notes and reminders on walls around their apartment, practice his memory every day.

                “We met during high school. You were the school’s president and I’m the school’s delinquent.” Jaejoong chirped as he lies on Yunho’s chest.

                “Correct. Who are you?” Yunho continued to ask Jaejoong questions.

                “Kim Jaejoong, Jung Yunho’s love," Jaejoong replied, giving a peck on Yunho’s lips.

                “Who am I?” Yunho hesitated to ask at first but he had to. To assure his doubts.

                Jaejoong tilted his head to the side, “Jung.. Jung..” Yunho was half nervous half worried, his eyebrows furrowed as he tried to get a better look at Jaejoong. Just then, Jaejoong burst out laughing. “Jung Yunho! How could I ever forget that? Jung Yunho, Kim Jaejoong’s love.”

                Yunho heaved a sigh of relief and embraced Jaejoong in his arms, “I love you.” Yunho kissed Jaejoong’s temple and continued, “So much.”

                “I love you too. Should we go to the school’s rooftop?” Jaejoong propped up on his arms, eyes meeting Yunho’s.       

                “Of course we should go.” Yunho brushed Jaejoong’s locks to the side, revealing a pair of beautiful brown eyes. “I’ll drive there. Get ready.”

                The ride was a calm one – unlike before when Jaejoong would always talk too much and laugh too much. Now, he just stared out the car’s window without saying a word. Yunho knew Jaejoong had already forgotten the familiar surroundings – the view he had seen ever since childhood – but one thing for sure Jaejoong didn’t forget – holding onto Yunho’s hand when they were free and welcoming them back after Yunho had used it.

                They had arrived on the nostalgic rooftop – the place where their relationship started. The sky was blue and the breeze was blowing ever so softly – just like that day. The gentle breeze swept Jaejoong’s face, his hair waving along with the wind. His eyes were solemn but still looked very beautiful. A warm smile bloomed on Yunho’s face, feeling content seeing Jaejoong’s genuine smile again. Jaejoong slightly parted his lips, wanting to talk to the man in front of him that had a gentle smile.

                “Who are you?”

Oh, we couldn't bring the columns down. Yeah, we couldn't destroy a single one. And history books forgot about us – Regina Spektor || Samson

                The way Jaejoong had left was quiet, unlike the way he had come. The time when he left, he was warped around Yunho’s unjaded embrace. Yunho could feel every single thing – from the slowness of his breathing, the slowing of his heart rate up until the limping of his body. Yunho felt everything yet he couldn’t do anything. He was powerless – nothing to offer Jaejoong as he slipped away from this realm.

                Clad in black from head to toe, Yunho handled the memorial service by himself. All the consolation people had given him were empty words. Nothing in this world could ever replace Jaejoong but everything in this world could replace him. His parents would get over him. His friends wouldn't even notice he was gone. Standing on the edge of their past high school building’s rooftop, a picture of Jaejoong and him in one hand. I will burn this old light, Jae.

                “I’m Jung Yunho, Kim Jaejoong’s love.”