A shudder ran through my body as I confronted the first snowfall of the year. I wrapped my scarf and jacket tighter around my body and blew on my hands in an attempt to keep them warm. My breath was clearly visible in this cold weather and I could already feel the cold biting at my skin.

I sighed as I mustered the courage to keep walking instead of turning around, back to the comfort of my warm home.

People tend to love the first snowfall. They’re all in awe of the beautiful white snowflakes finally decorating the earth. I don’t blame them. The white landscape does feel tranquil and peaceful.

I could hear the snow crunch underneath my shoes as I kept walking towards my destination.

The dorm had been eerily quiet today. The other members didn’t ask any questions when I woke up early. I could feel their gazes on me and I tried to ignore it, but I knew they were simply worried about me. They didn’t question me as I left the dorm without uttering a single word. They all understood. I’m sure they were hurting as well.

My final destination finally came into view after walking through the snow for twenty minutes. I slowly made my way up the stairs of the old building that had been abandoned two years ago, but it was still in quite a good condition. We had found this building when we were wandering around the outskirts of town. Ever since then, we would visit this place all the time to hang out with each other.

The old door that lead to the roof creaked as I opened it. I quietly made my way towards the edge of the building and sat down. We would always come up to the roof because of the amazing view. You could admire the entire city from up here. Today the city seemed to be more quiet than usual. It felt nice to be all the way up here all on my own. Sometimes I just felt the need to be alone to think about everything. To think about her.

It was around this time of the year when she left us. One year ago I lost the most beautiful person who was never really mine. Have you ever met someone who made you feel a certain way which you could never explain in words? She was that special someone to me. The brightest girl I had ever met who was able to warm my heart with just a single smile. A single touch of her fingertips was enough to warm my entire body. Even though both of our lives were messed up at the time, everything just felt right whenever I was with her.

She was my only escape from reality.

I still remember the very last day I saw her. The first few snowflakes had just started to fall that night. We were both sitting at the exact same spot as I was sitting now, looking at the city as we laced both of our fingers together.

She leaned her head on my shoulder and pursed her lips before breaking the comfortable silence. ‘Do you ever feel like you don’t belong?’ she asked quietly. I squeezed her hand softly. ‘What do you mean?’ I wondered, not really expecting this question. ‘Like you weren’t meant to be here. No matter how hard you try to look for a home, you just can’t seem to find it. You can’t seem to find yourself,’ she explained. I remained silent for a couple seconds. ‘Isn’t that what life is about? An unending journey of discovering who you are,’ I decided to answer.

‘What if this life really just isn’t meant for me?’ she continued. I frowned at her words. ‘Don’t say that. You were brought here with a purpose and I couldn’t imagine my life without you,’ I said while scolding her slightly.

I turned my head slightly to look at her. Her face didn’t show much emotion as she continued to stare at the city that was slowly being decorated by the snow. It was hard for me to tell what she was thinking or how she felt at times. Even though I loved her a lot, she still remained a mystery to me sometimes.

She finally broke the silence after a while.

“Would you miss me if I suddenly disappeared one day?” she asked me. My eyes widened and I gave her a look of disbelief. “Of course I would. Why would you even say something like that?” I questioned, hurt by the thought of her ever leaving.

“Then… would you come with me?”

Whenever we sat at the edge of this building, she would always have this faraway look in her eyes as she looked at the city down below. She would always talk to me about wanting to leave this city and running away. She would always ask me to join her, so I didn’t think she was being serious that night. I should’ve known better.

That night she meant it.

I sighed and ran a hand through my hair out of frustration. I loved and hated coming here at the same time. Coming here gave me some time to clear my mind, but sometimes it made me overthink everything. It made me reconsider all the things I could’ve done differently. Thinking about that night always filled me with guilt. I could’ve saved her. Losing her made me wonder if I even deserved to be here. What purpose did my life have without her anyway? Is it worth going through life alone, knowing that I will never be able to hold her hand again?

The snow continued to fall and lay a white blanket on top of the city.

I slowly stood up and once again balanced on the edge on this building. The snow crumbled and fell over the edge as I looked at my feet. I’ve lost count of how many times I have stood at the edge of this building already. Every time I’d come here, I would wonder whether this would be my last day on earth as well. Would this finally be the day I took that one last step? Would I be able to resist the urge to join her? Each and every time I’d contemplate whether I should do it or not. One more step and I could be with her again. One more step was all it would take.

I shook my head.

I sighed as I turned around to make my way back down. Every time I made the decision to turn around, it was another day without her. It’s something painful that I have come to realize ever since we lost her. Ever since I lost her.

Now the snow will always remind me of her. She was beautiful like a snowflake after all. I tried so hard to catch her, but she disappeared just as fast as snowflakes melting on warm fingertips.

She truly was an angel in my eyes. Maybe that’s why she made me feel like I was in a completely different world whenever I was with her. Maybe that’s why she always wanted to escape this place. She was an angel that simply wanted to return to heaven.

Even now I still think of her as I aimlessly wander around this world, waiting for the day I’ll be able to see her again.