DAY 5 – DISAPPOINTMENT

“Now, open your eyes slowly,” said Dr. August after removed the bandage. I slowly opened it and secretly pray so I can see anything before me. I show a bitter smile signaling it’s still the same as yesterday. He seems to understand how I feel so he not saying anything and prepared to began the therapy.

I turn my head and look around the room, imagining the shape of this room. There is a big cupboard near the window. The patient bed and some unknown equipment were located across that large cupboard.

“What do you think about my office?” he asks me, found out that I look around his office.

“I think, it’s nice, clean and tidy. There is a cupboard, patient bed and unknown equipment on the left. On the right side, hmm... maybe a desk? And there is a cupboard, or maybe a bookshelf? I have seen it on drama before, there is always a bookshelf full of thick and heavy medical books,” I used my imagination to portray how is his office look like.

“Miss Kim, let’s play a game. You count to five and guess where I stand. Just answer it with I am on your left, on your right or in front of you,” it sounds fun although it’s a weird of him to ask me to play such a game. I count to five and said that he is on my right side.

“Miss Kim. Tell me exactly what do you see? Does it different from before? It’s still bright, but it’s not as bright as before, right?” I focused on what I see but it just the same. I see no difference.

“Now, tell me where do you think the cupboard is?” he asks me again. So, the game hasn’t finished yet. I turn my head and pointing out with my finger where is the cupboard is.

“Why do you think the cupboard was there?” he ask me again.

“Well, it just. I can imagine there is a big box in there and I assumed it was a cupboard,” I answer it.

He told me to close my eyes and opened it when he told me to. I obediently follow his instruction.

“Do you see a large box over there?” I am nodding to answer his question.

“Is it still blurry and seems like you are underwater?” he ask me again.

“Yes. But I can barely see it in more detail. I just can tell there is a large thing, seems like a large box,” I focusing my eyes, but suddenly I feel so dizzy. He told me to close my eyes and relaxing.

“It’s a huge progress. It’s maybe only for a very short period, but your vision slowly comes back. You said it’s your imagination when you told me about the cupboard, right? Fortunately, it’s not your imagination. You did see it. Although it’s still blurry but it’s a very good progress. I can tell you will get it back within less than a month, or maybe a week. Or probably faster,” he told me about his prediction.

“So, what you mean is, I have a high chance to get my vision back within a week?” I wish I am not misheard what he said and I ask him again to make sure.

“Yes, thanks to my ability as a genius doctor. Judging from the similar cases, the recovery rate is rapidly increased when you able to see a blurry image. But you still have to be careful. Don’t get exposed to high-intensity light, and not overworks your eyes. Now, let’s start your therapy,” I am nodding and can’t stop smiling.

Reminiscing what Dr. August told me yesterday is always make me happy. Yesterday, on my way to my room after the therapy, the nurse told me I got a phone call. That person left his phone number so I could call him back. The person who called me is Jimin. He calls me to make sure about my decision to retreat from the Art Week. Ed was asked to submit the list of the participant today. I told him I am not going to change my decision. He sounds disappointed but he can’t do anything. Right after he about to hang up, I told him that maybe I can get my vision back within a week. I am very happy yesterday so unconsciously I want to share this happiness with him.

When I arrived at my room, that guy was already in there. I can’t wait to tell him about this good news, but then I decided to not telling him. I want to give him a surprise. It must be hilarious if I can make fun of him. I will pretend I am still blind but actually I can see him. Moreover, I am so curious to see how that guy looks like. Speaking of that guy, I wonder whether he already make his confession to that girl.

Knock knock, someone is knocking and opened the door. It’s not the nurse. Usually, the nurse will say hi and said it’s time for my therapy right after she open the door. Well, speak of the devil, he finally comes.

“So, how was it? Did she reject you?” I but no answer. I bet he got rejected.

“Well, it’s okay. We already predicted it, right? Now, tell me about the detail,” I try to comfort him but also torture him by order him to telling about her confession. But still no answer. I wait for a minute but he keeps on silence. Suddenly I get a hunch that something is not right.

“Who is there?” I ask that unknown person who was in my room.

“Jisoo-ya, it’s me. Chaeyong,” she replied.

“What are you doing here?” I ask her.

“I heard you were sick so I come to visit you. Are you badly hurt?”

“I am fine. Now you have seen me. So you can go, now,” damn it. How foolish of me to trust Park Jimin. How could he tell her that I was here.

“Jisoo-ya, about the Art Week Exhibition, let me help you,” I knew it. She comes here not simply to visit me.

“Help me with what? By backstabbing me again? I am sorry but, you can’t do that again. Don’t worry you don’t need to get your hands dirty this time. You can take my place. I am not going to participate. I need to go to my therapy session, so you may leave,” I can’t bear to be here alone with her. I need to go as soon as possible or I will go mad.

“Jisoo-ya, I am sorry. I know you still mad at me. I know I was wrong. I know you won’t believe me but I really don’t have any intention to take your place. I don’t even know you got blind. But please, don’t retreat from Art Week. If your condition is the reason you can’t participate, I will help you. I will do everything so you can participate in it,” she started to cry.

 “I know it’s already too late but please forgive me. About that incident, actually, I didn’t have any intention to steal your theme. That time, I met Mrs. Sandara at the gallery and suddenly her friend came and she introduced me to him. Her friend asked me about my final assignment project theme. But, I haven’t prepared anything yet. I am afraid I will make Miss. Sandara embarrassed in front of her friend, so I use your theme.

“You don’t need to explain it. No matter what you say, it sounds like an excuse for me,” I feel so uncomfortable hearing her cry.

“I know it. But at least can you hear my reason? You told me before that you will not use that theme as your final assignment because you have a more interesting theme. So I decided to use it knowing that you are not gonna take it. I thought Mrs. Sandara will not be interested so I tell her although I know it was wrong to claim your idea as mine. But surprisingly she put a lot of attention to it. She will hold an exhibition in the next month and she asks me to participate. There is a space for her student in her exhibition too and my theme is suitable.

“I felt so guilty at that time. I want to tell you but you didn’t answer your phone. And I decided to tell you on the next day but you avoiding me. Since that day, you always refuse to meet me and even pretend you do not see me if we coincidently meet. You even not replying to my text. Honestly, I am quite mad at that time. So I decided to keep going. Moreover, you weren’t enrolling to Mrs. Sandara class so you won’t found out.

“But then, I knew that you met Mrs. Sandara to participate in her exhibition but she rejects you because your idea is too similar to mine. I am so embarrassed to the point I don’t dare to meet you. I am feeling so guilty but I am too embarrassed to apologize,”

“You are too embarrassed to face me but why are you here now? Don’t say cause you know I am blind now so you finally find your courage to meet me?”

“No. I really didn’t know anything about your condition. I just know it today. I coming here because I really worry about you. I heard that you pass the screening and will be participating in Art Week but you can’t be contacted for two days. I am curious and I met Jimin to ask him whether he can reach you or not. He said he haven’t contacted you and didn’t now you can’t be reached. And at that time, his friend suddenly come and told him that he got a phone call from the hospital.

“The next day I heard that you change your number. But I know, it was Jimin’s. Then I ask him again about your whereabout and he said you were in some remote area and can’t be reached. At that time I know that he know where you are. And that hospital call is suspicious. Then I found out you were here,” she seems to tell the truth, but I was blinded by anger so I can’t easily fall to her words.

“I have had enough with your reason. Stop crying and pretending that you are a victim. You will make me feels like I am the villain here,” fortunately before I lose my temper, the nurse come to bring me out for therapy. I leave her alone crying in my room.

***

She is on her way to Dr. Agust room when I met her. I accelerated my steps so I could catch her up. I smiled at Nurse Rose and ask for permission to talk to her. I kneeled and half whispering to her. I told her that I want her to meet the girl I love, but she refuses. She said it will be awkward and she is not good with a new person. I was laughing and said it’s not that kind of meeting. I just want them to say hi to each other. I planned to make it as natural as possible by coincidentally meet in the corridor and say hi. That’s all. They don’t need to tell each other name. I know it sounds silly while she can’t see. But somehow I want her to “meet” the one I love. She agreed and planned to “coincidentally” meet at the corridor after she finished her therapy. When she hear me greet the Nurse, that’s mean that girl is there with me.

As planned, I am walking through the corridor around the time she finished her therapy. I have a chat with the nurse while waiting for the blind girl to passing by. Finally, she is coming. I am about to say hi to her, but then I hear someone scream.

“Help! Someone was faint! Take her to the ER!” the nurse whom I chatted with before screaming for help. I hurriedly come to help and take the girl who fainted to ER. I feel sorry for the blind girl cause I can’t even say hi to her.

I come to her room this evening. I knocking on her door and coming in. She is standing near the window and turn her head when she heard me opened the door. She looks upset.

“Hi! I am sorry, there was a little accident on the corridor so I can’t greet you,” I apologize.

“I was there too. I heard someone cried for help because there is a patient who fainted,” he replied but keeps staring outside the window when she talks. I guess she is still not in a good mood.

“Yeah, it’s a common thing that happens in every hospital,” I responded. It silence for a while before she began to talk.

“I am still participating in that exhibition,” she began her story.

“Woah, really? Well finally you wake up and do the right thing,” I am happy to hear that but still don’t get it why she said it with unhappy voice.

“I told you I don’t want to participate. Moreover what’s makes me even sadder is I feels like I get betrayed by my best friend. Again. How could he do that without my permission? Then even worst, he told that traitor about my condition. Does he never considering my feeling or am I just such an easy person?” her face becomes so red indicates that she really angry.

“Calm down. I know you are upset but can you talk more slowly so I can understand? You suddenly talk about betraying or else but I don’t get it. You should tell me from the very first,” I little bit confuse with her story.

“So this morning, I got a news that I am still enrolled as a participant in Art Week. But, I already told Jimin, my one and only friend who know about my condition, that I am sure and won’t change my decision when he called me yesterday. But today, that person was come and said she want to help me in that exhibition,” she told me more detailed.

“But, what’s make you so upset? Isn’t he doing the right thing? You’ve got nothing to lose right? And your other friend, too. She offering you a help, but you feels so offended. I don’t get it. Why did you hate getting a help? Your friend must be doing all that things because they care about you. They want to help you and they want you to success. You should be grateful,” I have no idea about her life principle. How could she called her friends traitor just because they want to help her? She is so mean.

“First. They know that I am blind and they still allow me to participate and they said they will change certain rules for me. Don’t you think it is fair for another participant? I know it’s not a competition, but still, If I were in their position, I won’t accept it. Rule is rule no matter what. And I don’t want to look so pitiful to the point they loosened some rules for me out of pity. Second. That girl who offering her help. She used to be my best friend. But you know what? She used my theme and didn’t even told me. It’s not her fault, though. I was a moron who told her everything because I trust her,” her face become redder. I guess talk about it in more detailed triggering all the bad memories.

“But so far he did what you requested right? You can’t completely blame him. He must have his reason. Have you heard his reason?” somehow I got a hunch she has skipped some part of the story.

“I did. He called me. He said after I called him to say that I probably will get my vision back within a week, he hesitates to tell my senior I am going to retreat. There is still enough time for me to prepare. But the due date to submitting the theme, the synopsis and any other detail is on Monday. So he decided to tell my senior about my condition and ask for extending the due date. My senior agreed about it and will inform him later after internal meeting with committee,” she finally speaks about the hidden story.

“What about that girl?” I began digging more deeper.

“She came here and said she will help me and do anything so I will keep participating. She also said she didn’t know that I am blind before she came. Help? Huh, she doesn’t expect me to believe it, right? She said that because she pities me. I am so helpless that she dares to offer “a help” while she said she is too embarrassed to meet me. Park Jimin is no different. Did he think my career only depends on this exhibition? Am I can’t survive and success to become a photographer just because I refuse to participating?” she looks so mad and frustated.

“That’s all what a true friend supposed to do. They did that not based on pity, it’s just natural for them to want to share your burden. They know you are very talented and they want to do their best to support you. They know they can not feel your pain, but at least this is the best they can do. They believe in you. They believe in your talent. But, why? Why you can’t trust them? Why are you always suspicious of others? Is there no one you can depend on? Is there no one you can trust? Even your best friend? I know you got backstabbed once, but can you forgive her? Moreover, does everyone will do the same as her?” I am so frustrated but I can manage my voice to sounds calm. How can she be so self centered? Thinking only based on her feeling and her point of view. I know she has a trauma. But why she become so negative and thinking everyone is the same.

She doesn’t reply back. She looks so pale and exhausted. Perhaps because she is standing quite long. She walks towards the bed. Her hand is flailing to search for something. I guess she tried to know her position. She is struggling even for walking. I offering her a help but she quickly rejects it. She successfully walks a few steps while she suddenly losing her balance. I hold her arms to prevent her from falling and help her to find her balance. She let go of my hands and she hobbling towards her bed.

I can’t stand her stubbornness anymore. I am so frustrated. How could someone can live without receiving any help from others? Where she found that big confidence to do everything by herself.

I turn my head and looks toward the window. I can see my reflection in there. Suddenly I think about my own self. Why I got so angry at her. Isn’t my way of life is a lot more frustrating. How can I live with believing in others even when I know they were lying. Why I can’t trust my own self and always asking for someone else opinion. Why do I have a low self-esteem? Why I always tried my best to hold onto my friend. It’s even hard for me to make a friend. But, why? Why she can’t appreciate her friend while she still has it.

It still 1 meter away when she suddenly stop and seems like she about to faint. I reflexly hold her body and help her to walks. “No, thanks. I can do it,” she rejects my help twice. Her face now is extremely pale and she seems like in a lot of pain.

“YOU! ARE YOU A MORON??!! WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF YOU FALLS? DO YOU WANT TO STAY IN HERE FOREVER? IS IT THAT HARD TO ASKS FOR HELP? IS IT THAT HARD TO ACCEPTING OTHERS HELP? ARE YOU A SUPERHUMAN WHO CAN HANDLE EVERYTHING BY YOURSELF? NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY TO UNDERSTAND YOU, I STILL CAN’T GET IT,” I am so frustrating and I can’t hold in anymore. She looks so surprised because of my sudden anger.

“I told you, you can’t live like this forever. If keep acting like this, never put a trust on anyone, I swear you will live your entire life feeling so lonely. I warn you before it’s too late. Cherish everyone who cares about you. Don’t waste their kindness with your absurd principle. Never ever try to push them away and make them letting go of your hand. You will regret it,” I walk away and immediately leaving her room. I feel like if I stay in there any longer, I am not an ugly person anymore but I will turn into a bad person. I close the door and stand in front of it for a while. I knew it. I am not turning into a bad person because I mad at her. I am no longer ugly even before I entered her room today.

***