Have you ever felt like everything you’ve done until now is wrong?

Have you ever felt so sad that you’ll drown in your own thoughts and sadness?

Have you ever felt like you’re in a birdcage, surrounded by all those regrets and secrets you’ve kept from others because you thought you’d protect them, but you were actually being selfish.  

You know you’re loved, but yet you don’t feel like you really are, because whether you’re loved or hated, no matter you want to do, you’ll be judged, you’ll be trapped into an endless loop of doubt not letting you be your own and truly self. But at the end of the day all you realise that what you want the most is your own acceptance.

To become an idol? Yes. That’s what my teenage self would’ve answered instantly, the wish to do what I was passionate about, share it to the world and bring people happiness or hope with it, music is an international language, it has the power to change people’s lives. Do I regret becoming an idol? No. Indubitable, one of the best decisions I’ve ever made, I was able to reach my goal. If I could go back in time, would I become an idol? I would think it twice.

Ah youth, definitely one of the best things any person could ever have, such a fresh feeling, your life is actually just starting to take a path, to build your own future. There are lucky people who know what they want to achieve for the future, confident and talented. focused,they have a choice and can take the initiative to make things just the way they please. On the other side, the unfortunate people lie on the canvas of doubt and questioning, not knowing exactly what to do and expect, they only live in the present, afraid to think of the following time sequences which they’ll experience, success is something they aspire for sure, the way to acquire it is the issue.

You may think I have my life made already, “who wouldn’t want to be Kim Taeyeon” that’s what they say, maybe it’s just because of success, money and fame, but they never try to look deeper into me. Sadly I’m in between, lucky? Yes. Unfortunate? Yes. Even with all the things I have, I don’t know what to do with my future, after SNSD disbands, will I continue going solo? Will I retire? It’s scary to think about it.

It was a quiet saturday night, all I’ve done is nothing but stay in bed, playing with my dog, Ginger, watching some TV and videos, I didn’t eat a proper meal the whole day, only got up to get some snacks, I didn’t like to go out by myself, would rather stay home and think. Suddenly I heard my room’s door being opened.

“Kim Taeyeon, don’t tell me you’ve been like this since morning.” I looked up to where the voice was coming from.

“Nice to see you too Sunkyu” I replied expressionless.

“You’re unbelievable Taeyeon, tomorrow we’re going out, I don’t know where, I don’t care where, but you’re definitely going out of this place.” And there she goes, giving me another talk about me being just a homebody, at first I did what she told me, but as time passed, I guess I just got used to it.

“I just want to rest Sunkyu, I want to enjoy my free days with no schedule, I’ll have to go out soon because of my solo activities, besides we should wait until Tiffany comes back.”

“Of course you would only want to hang out when Tiffany is around, what will you do when we go on our own paths, and she will not longer be with you? You haven’t see the other members either, ever since Jessica left you know everything’s been going downhill.” Shots fired, she was just speaking the truth.

“I want to be alone and enjoy myself for now.” I answered. I just heard her sigh and turned around.

“It’s alright, let me know when you feel like doing something.” She left the room, I knew I was being stubborn and acting like a jerk, but I was just avoiding the cruel reality. Before Jessica left, we were having some issues, I regretted all that happened back then, wish I could go back when we were the closest friends, when we enjoyed pretty much everything, when we travelled together, all those nights we spent together, but things can change abruptly, even just because of simple words that were spoken one single day. I knew I screwed it up.

I got up and went to the bathroom, I looked at myself on the mirror, I was such a mess, I only lived in the present thinking about the past. I knew I had to show the world that Kim Taeyeon was a strong and independent woman. But I failed. Several sites with news and headers about me being depressed, that’s how the world saw me, many people, especially haters, saying that I was only seeking for attention, that only SM promoted me and forgot about the group, that I was a bad leader and I only cared for myself and didn’t pay attention to my members or that the only members I cared about was Tiffany.

I was aware of all those things, especially about the issue regarding my members, it was obvious that I cared a lot about Tiffany, and that isn’t a lie, the whole Taeny thing is so popular, even the company focuses on that, it’s become somewhat forced, but she actually meant the world to me, the very first person, besides my family, that I adored, one of my biggest issues until now. I wish I could get over everything, spend and enjoy the fullest with the rest. I can’t be my true self, because people will judge more. If they judge the company won’t like it, if they don’t like it, then all that relies on me and being the leader of the nation’s group, I can’t afford to be in that kind of situation.

Sometimes I wish we had normal lives, but even if that wish was granted, it’ll be the same over and over again, fighting against the same matter, who am I and what will I do in the future. There are too many things I want to fix, things that my pride, stubbornness and fears won’t let go through, there are too many other things I want to accomplish regarding my career and the group’s, but our days are counted.

And that's the first chapter, I know it's short and kind of derpy redaction and narrating wise, I'll try to improve. Hope you enjoy it, I'll update as soon as possible.