Taeyeon's POV

“It started off with a bang.” No it didn’t. “It was love at first sight.” No it wasn’t. 

I didn’t know when it started or how it started. But I fell in love with her, that I’m sure of. 

It was the darkest of times. Depression. Suicidal thoughts linger around longer than it should have.  It was toxic. And I love it. And I cherish it. Because I didn’t love myself enough to not to destroy myself. In the sea of suffocating madness and depression, there she was. The only thing that’s pure and certain. She loved me enough to not let me destroy myself. 

She was beautiful, white porcelain skin with a soothing voice that subsides the monsters raging in me.  She was my best friend. She was perfect and I’m nowhere near perfect. But she loved me and I don't know why. I love her. And I know why. Not because of her looks, but because she was there for me. Certainly, my love for her is not as sincere as her love is to me. She loved me when I was at my lowest point. While me, I loved her because she loves me and because she was the thread that Im holding on to with my dear life. My only hope. 

“Can I sleep in your bed tonight?”she said. Thats how it all started. Her back was facing me and that night, I wrap my arms around her. My heart was beating peacefully fast. For the first time, the monsters in me went away, replaced by a stream of butterflies, and finally I could sleep. 

It became a routine. Her coming into my room and sleep with me. No words were exchanged. None was needed. She didn't tell me that she loved me but I could feel it. Its the only thing thats certain in my life. 

One night, I could feel her lips barely grazing on mine. She probably thought I was already asleep, but I wasn’t. That night, she almost kissed me. Almost. 

The same thing happened the next day. But I wasn't going to just let it slip this time. I kissed her back. I pulled her face closer to mine and kissed her with all of my broken heart. 

The next morning, no words were exchanged. We didn't talk about the kiss. She went back to her life and I went back to mine. Knowing that she would eventually come back every night. 

Things escalated quite fast for us. It was as if, all the nights spent hiding away our feelings were poured out that night. I touched her on all the right places. And that night, her moans became my lullaby. It was addictive. 

Both of us knew it was wrong. We’re both girls. We could lose everything. People would despise us. But none of us refuse to wake up from this daydream. Until one day. 

Its hard to believe that it was my conscience first that kicks in. I was finally sane. I knew it was too good to be true. I knew that this would eventually come to an end. Cause its wrong. I tried ending things between us for a few times but every time she pleads not to, I would cave in. I just love her too much. 

But the secret between us slowly became too much for me to bear. If this goes out to the public, she would lose her already perfect life. And I need to stop ruining her. Im toxic and its a spreading disease. I don't want her to get caught in this messy life of mine. So finally, I ended things between us. For real. For good. She left the group eventually. 

Its not like I ever stopped loving her and I know that she never stopped loving me. Even until now. Even after I’ve pulled myself up. Even after she went away in her path and Im living mine, I know she still loves me. Perhaps someday, somewhere, I could love her freely. Thats what I thought. But I know it will never happen. Its impossible.