Yongguk is exhausted; his head is thick with sleep. When he drinks, he hardly sleeps at all. He'll pass out cold for an hour or two, then he wakes, sick with fear, sick with himself. If he has a day when he doesn't drink, that night he'll fall into the heaviest of slumbers, a deep unconsciousness, and in the morning he can't wake up properly, he can't shake sleep, it stays with him for hours, sometimes all day long. He felt isolated from his misery. He became lonely, so he would drink a bit, and then a bit more, and then he became lonelier, because no one likes being around a drunk. Yongguk lost and drank and drank and lost. Yongguk liked his job, but he didn’t have a glittering career, and even if he had, let’s be honest: idols are still only really valued for one thing— their looks. Yongguk didn't think he was beautiful, so what does that make him? Worthless, though he can’t blame all this for drinking. Its Yongguks own fault. He was a drinker anyway—He's always liked to drink. But he did become sadder, and sadness gets boring after a while, for the sad person and for everyone around them. And then he went from being a drinker to being a drunk, and there’s nothing more boring than that. 

      On another note, Yongguk has also been taking a break from the group due to the reason that he has been diagnosed with Panic Disorder. In order to take care of his mental health, he has been undergoing professional treatment during BAP's promotions until he feels capable of handling the stress. Therefore, BAP is promoting with just the five members for now.

     Yongguk doesn’t drive, so he takes the train to go and come back from his exhausting therapy sessions. Its midnight and Yongguk is heading to the train station on his way home, he leans his head against the window and closes his eyes. The train comes to an abrupt halt. The screech of the train's brakes wakes him. The carriage is filled with murmured apologies as standing passengers stumble, bumping into one another, stepping on one another’s feet. Yongguk looks up and finds himself looking right into the eyes of the man he knows, Himchan—the raven haired one. He’s staring right at Yongguk, his startlingly black eyes locked on Yongguk, and he gets such a fright, he drops his phone, Yongguk retrieves it from the floor and looks up again, tentatively this time, not directly at him. He scans the carriage then wipes the steamy window with his elbow and stares out to find that the train has come to his stop, he realizes Himchan was probably waiting for him to arrive. He then eventually looks back over at him and Himchan smiles at him, his head cocked a little to one side. Yongguk can feel his face burning. He doesn't know how to react to his smile. Its silent for a whole minute until Himchan starts to say something.
"You all right, love? Why haven't you answered my calls?" Himchan asks.
"Why are you here" Yongguk says as he dismissed what the other said. Though he totally forgot about not answering Himchans calls, as a matter of fact he deleted all his contacts and hasn't answered anyone’s calls.
Himchan still waited for an answer.
"...I'm fine." Yongguk says as he doesn’t seem to be in the mood, he looks away from Himchan and walks out of the train. Himchan then hurriedly follows Yongguk and tells him to wait. "Yongguk! I didn't come all the way here to get rejected! I'm coming with you, since you aren’t answering my calls I’m staying with you tonight" Himchan demanded. "Please, Yongguk, please I need to talk to you. I miss you." Himchan then said softening his voice. Yongguk can sense Himchan looking at him from the back saying that. He can feel the blush spreading from his chest to his neck, the way it always did when Himchan looked at him in a certain way. Yongguk blinks hard and turns his head to Himchan as a Lamp post is casting its light between the two. Yongguk snatches air into his lungs and realizes that he’s been holding his breath. He doesn’t know what to do in this situation but just stare. Himchan then walks up to Yongguk and holds his hand walking to Yongguks place. Yongguk looks at the back of Himchans head and then looks down at his hands interlocking with Himchans and is flooded with relief.

     The room is dark, the air close, and sweet with the smell of them. Yongguk is in his room again, in the room under the eaves. It’s different, though, because Himchans here, watching him. It made Yongguks mood better than how he felt before; tired. “What do you want to do?” he asks Yongguk. Yongguk laughs. “You mean apart from this?” Himchans fingers are tracing slowly over Yongguks slender stomach. “Apart from this?" Himchan laughs again and then moves his body up over Yongguks and kisses him. “Irresistible, he mumbles. “You’re irresistible.” Afterwards, Yongguk talks to Himchan in a way he hasn’t done before. Usually Himchans the one doing all the talking, but this time he opens up. He talks about feeling empty, about leaving Himchan and the group behind, how it wrecked his head and left him hollow. Yongguk doesn’t believe in soul mates, but there’s an understanding between them that Yongguk just hasn’t felt before, or at least, not for a long time. It comes from shared experience, from knowing how it feels to be broken. Hollowness: that Yongguk understands. He’s starting to believe that there isn’t anything you can do to fix it. That’s what he’s taken from the therapy sessions: the holes in your life are permanent. You have to grow around them, like tree roots around concrete; you mould yourself through the gaps. All these things he knows, but he doesn’t say them out loud, not now.
“What do you want to do?” Yongguk asks him, but Himchan doesn’t answer him, and Yongguk falls asleep, and he’s gone when he wakes up.                          

 Himchan brings Yongguk coffee on the terrace. “You slept last night,” he says, bending down to kiss Yongguks head. Himchan’s standing behind him, hands on Yongguks shoulders, warm and solid. Yongguk leans his head back against Himchans body, closes his eyes and listens to the train rumbling along the track until it stops just in front of Yongguks house. His grip tightens a little on Yongguks shoulders; he leans forward and kisses Yongguks neck.
“You slept” he says again. “You must be feeling better.”                                                                                 "I am,” Yongguk says. “Do you think it’s worked, then?” Himchan asks. “The therapy?” 
“Do I think I’m fixed, do you mean?” “Not fixed, ” he says, and Yongguk can hear the hurt in Himchan voice. “I didn’t mean . . .”
“I know.” Yongguk lifts his hand to Himchans and squeezes it. “I was only joking. I think it’s a process.
It’s not simple, you know? I don’t know if there will be a time when I can say that it’s worked. That I’m better.” There’s a silence, and Himchan grips just a little harder. “So you want to keep going?” he asks, and Yongguk tells him he does. There was a time when he thought Himchan could be everything, he could be enough. He thought that for years, as he’s said before in interviews and from the other members, Himchan was the reason for Yongguks smile. Yongguk loved him completely. He still does. The only time he feels like himself is when hes with Himchan, when Yongguk comes alive in all that heat and half-light. He wants to feel the way he does right now all the time—not safe, but stifled? Yongguk goes downstairs to say good-bye as Himchans heading off to bap’s schedule. Himchan slips his arms around Yongguks waist and kisses the top of Yongguks head.
“Love you, Yonggukie,” he murmurs, and Yongguk feels horrible then, like the worst person in the world. He couldn't wait for him to shut the door because he knows he’s going to cry.