Invisible

   My name is Kim Jongwoon, a fresh university graduate, just starting to explore the biggest adventure there is called life. I guess you can say I’m just a normal guy, with normal needs and desires. I’m not a genius but not stupid either, I’m just average…actually I feel like everything in my life is average, my looks, my intellect, my dreams. I guess the only excellent thing I have is my voice, I’m really good at singing, or so my best friend Sungmin said. I’m not the type to dream high either, because I believe that when you do and when you fall…you will also fall from a high perch, and that will hurt very much.

 

   But once in my life I dreamed of having something that I guess was way beyond my league. It was really frustrating because he was just right in front of my eyes…but I never reached him. Five, almost six years have passed yet I still remember him. I guess there are just simply some people who come into our lives, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never the same again.

 

   I don’t even know why out of all the many people in the world he’s the one I fell in love with. It’s really something you can’t control; you just…fall, that simple. And really, the heart has its reasons that reason does not know.

 

   But for that guy…I’m nothing but invisible…

 

----

 

 

He can’t see the way your eyes
Will light up when you smile

 

   We all want to fall in love. Why? Because that experience makes us feel completely alive. Where every sense is heightened, every emotion is magnified, our everyday reality is shattered and we are flying into the heavens. It may only last a moment, an hour, an afternoon. But that doesn't diminish its value. Because we are left with memories that we will treasure for the rest of our lives

 

   All throughout my years in high school there’s only one guy who caught my attention…and eventually my heart. His name is Cho Kyuhyun. He was famous in the school because he was a Math genius has an angelic voice, kind and a perfect gentleman. Added to that was the fact the no one could deny…he’s hot, he really was.

 

   He was, and still today, is my definition of the perfect guy, the perfect boyfriend material. I love him and have only him in my eyes and heart. But one sad fact…he was also in love, but not with me. It’s with my best friend Sungmin. Now, there are billions of people in this world, but why out of all those billions did he fall in love with my best friend?!

 

   I couldn’t really blame him. Sungmin was also famous in the school. He was the very cute guy who loves doing cute things that everyone couldn’t help but love him. That guy is actually too cute for his own good. He’s very gentle and has this amazing talent of getting along with everyone, that’s why all throughout high school he never had enemies nor gotten himself into a fight. He’s really kind and helpful.

 

   We’re best friends yet we’re polar opposites. While he loves being in the thick of things and being the centre of attention, I prefer being in the background. While he can be oblivious about his surroundings, I am the intuitive type. Maybe that’s the reason why I was the only one who noticed Kyuhyun’s feelings for Sungmin, or maybe that’s because I always sneaked glances in his direction, and while I was doing that, he was also sneaking glances at Sungmin, who in turn was sneaking glances at Ryeowook.

 

   Now maybe you’re wondering who Ryeowook is. Well, to make things short, he’s the guy Sungmin’s in love with. So the love connections were like this: I who loves Kyuhyun who loves Sungmin who loves Ryeowook who loves Sungmin in return. He’s just too scared to admit it to Sungmin in fear of rejection, oblivious of the fact that Sungmin is head over heels with him. Complicated right? Well, Sungmin and Ryeowook got the better end of the deal, while me and Kyuhyun? We got the worst.

 

   Oh! Did I mention Ryeowook is Kyuhyun’s best friend? No? Well, now you know. Complicated right? It’s really a ed-up life. Whenever Sungmin laughed or smiled even a little bit, Kyuhyun’s face lit up in response, like a kid being handed a present on Christmas day. But Sungmin didn’t see it, never noticed it one bit, yet he still kept on giving Sungmin that hopeful look. Just a little gesture but that look never failed in hurting me and breaking my heart into pieces. It never failed to make me wish…wish that he would also look at me, and see just how much I love him.

 

 

He never notices how you stop and stare
Whenever he walks by

 

The school which I studied in was small, so the phrase ‘It’s a small world’ was quite literal in my case. The school was small so the chances of running into each other, passing, or just simply seeing each other were quite high.

 

   This fact made me happy because it meant that seeing him every day was possible. After all, my day would not be complete without seeing his handsome face. But as much as it made me happy, it also made me sad and depressed. That’s because Sungmin and I were practically inseparable. Wherever he goes, I go, wherever I go, he goes.

 

   My heart fluttered whenever I saw him, then my heart will go overdrive when his gaze shifted to my direction. A tint of blush would creep on my cheek and my knees would go weaker. That intense gaze of him always made me feel like I was melting. I would keep feeling that for a whole minute before I looked down, disappointment clearly etched in my eyes, because no matter how many times I wished and prayed for it, that gaze would never stay on me. You will never know true pain until you look into the eyes of someone you love, and they look away. No matter how much effort he put, even putting off what he was doing just to stare at Sungmin, even if he kept it on the whole day, he would never notice it.

 

   No one saw it…except for me.

 

 

And you can’t see me wanting you the way you want him
But you are everything to me

 

   I only have eyes for him, but he only has eyes for Sungmin. It always made me mad with jealousy, anger, and sadness, but every time I see the hurt in his eyes whenever he came to the conclusion that Sungmin’s love was just for Ryeowook, all those selfish feelings of mine vanished into thin air. What were left was pity, and an aching wish. A wish that he would also find his own happiness…and if only Sungmin could give him that happiness, then I wish for Sungmin to be his. Even if that would hurt, even if that would kill me, then so be it.

 

   I only wished for him to be happy. I only want him to smile that beautiful smile that made my heart swell and feel like bursting in my chest. I don’t want to see that sadness and pain in his eyes anymore. If only I am enough to wipe away all that pain then I’ll gladly give myself to him, but I’m not the one he needed, I’m not the one he wanted. You and him, that's what you want, you and me... that's what I dreamt for. Forever a dream.

 

   Love is like heaven, but it can hurt like hell.

 

 

And I just wanna show you
He don’t even know you
He never gonna love you like I want to
And you just see right through me
If you only knew me
We could be a beautiful, miracle, unbelievable
Instead of just invisible

 

   Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it’s cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it... It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.

 

   It’s not as if I gave up even without starting the fight. Of course I didn’t. I did a lot of things for him to notice me. He was good at math so I tried to be good at math too, but it just wasn’t meant to be, I’m no good at math. Another interest of him was games so I try it to. But to no avail, those things were also not meant for me. I tried to move on to other things, like his interest in wine. Once again, I failed. I just can’t stand anything that has alcohol in it.

 

   I tried everything, but I failed. The only option I had was to confess to him and ask him to give me the chance to prove myself. But then, I felt like I could do anything…anything but that. To exert effort, to hope for, to wish for his love was still acceptable…but to blind myself from the truth that was so painfully obvious was the height of stupidity. So I kept silent, continuing my silent way of getting his attention.

 

   Because even I knew this despite being not good at math, in the arithmetic of love, one plus one equals everything, and two minus one equals nothing.

 

 

There’s a fire inside of you
That can’t help but shine through

 

   If you ask me what my most unforgettable experience was during my high school days, I guess it was the special performance of those graduating students. Naturally, I was included. I didn’t want to join but Sungmin practically forced me to do so, he volunteered my name to sing. Now, singing in public was not my thing, but Sungmin rarely asked me for any favours and I owed him a lot of things, so I decided to cave in to his request.

 

   On the day of the performance I was very nervous and wasn’t totally looking forward to what was about to happen. I just wanted everything to be over, but unfortunately my performance was the last one, so I had to sit for a long time and wait for my turn.

 

   Slowly, performance after performance was performed to the loud cheers of my schoolmates. I wasn’t really watching, I was outside to take a breather and to calm down my racing heart. The inside could be suffocating and the large number of people was horrifying. I couldn’t help but think of many things that could happen when I performed, like going off-key, forgetting the lyrics, tripping over my own feet (I am extremely clumsy, it was totally possible to happen) etc.

 

   I only went inside when my turn was near. I went backstage to prepare. I was shocked when I saw Kyuhyun there, also preparing. By the look of things, Kyuhyun was also going to sing. I was lucky I went inside earlier, if not, I would totally miss Kyuhyun’s performance. As if on cue, somebody called him to get in position because it was already his turn.

 

   I quickly abandoned my own preparation and went to the audience seat to get a much better view. There, I watched him as he walked regally onto the centre of the stage. Stood straight and looked at the audience with a high level of intensity. He scanned the crowd as if looking for something or someone, and apparently, he found it in the right-far corner of the audience seats. I looked in that direction and there’s only one prominent thing that was there…Sungmin. I guess I should have known, I thought as I smiled bitterly. I saw the same pain and sadness in his eyes when you saw that Sungmin and Ryeowook were talking sweetly, not even paying him any attention.

 

   He closed his eyes and took a deep breath as the music started to play.

 

 

But he’s never gonna see the light
No matter what you do

 

   I was enchanted, as he hit the first note. His voice was so soothing, so relaxing, and so gentle. It flowed smoothly. I closed my eyes and leant into my chair as I let myself go with the music.

 

Even though I tell it not to go, even though I tell it to stop
My heart keeps going towards you
It doesn’t wear out, it doesn’t decrease
Why is my love like this?

One by one, I count and count the memories
My heart can’t rest for even a moment
It’ll just become baggage that becomes hard to control
Why can’t I even throw them away?

Really, my heart must have done something somehow
I must have become a fool that’s blind from love
Just one place, everyday one place
Looking at the sad light that is you
Even the tear glands must be broken
My tears won’t stop
I love only you, only you
Can’t you just tell me?

Even if I hold out my hands, no matter how much I call out
You’re always far from me
It’ll be a love that becomes painful scars
Why can’t I erase it?

Really, my heart must have done something somehow
I must have become a fool that’s blind from love
Just one place, everyday one place
Looking at the sad light that is you
Even the tear glands must be broken
My tears won’t stop
Just one word…the one phrase that you love
Can’t you just tell me?

I try to comfort myself with the lie that I’m happy if you just smile
Because the place you’re towards is not me
The lonely tears flow

Really, my heart must have done something somehow
I must have become crazy over this hard love
Can’t have you, can’t forget you
I must have gotten ill from missing you so much, from loving you too much
Just one thing…your heart, that one thing
Can’t you just share it with me?
Can’t you love me?

 

   Everybody gave him an enthusiastic applause as he hit the last note. Everybody was stunned and amazed at how well he performed the song. I sat up, my eyes still closed, breathing hard. When I opened my eyes, I couldn’t see properly because of the tears that were blocking my eyesight. In the middle of the song, my tears unconsciously fell. Tears are like kisses, the only real ones are the ones you can’t hold back. I guess it showed how real my love is for him.

 

   The song was heartfelt and he sung it with so much emotion you could have practically felt it. The song was really fitting in his situation, but as much as it fits his, it also fits mine. I wasn’t just crying for his pain, I was also crying for mine. It hurts him more, and me, when he saw Sungmin still locked in conversation with Ryeowook while smiling such a beautiful smile. He probably didn’t even hear anything from Kyuhyun’s song.

 

   I wanted to be angry at Sungmin but it’s not really his fault. It wasn’t as if he was doing it intentionally, it’s just that Ryeowook is really the one he loves. I felt as if there was something squeezing my heart when I saw him dejectedly exiting the stage with his head down.

 

 

And all I think about is how to make you think of me
And everything that we could be

 

   Three more performances passed before my turn came. I wasn’t nervous anymore; I was actually quite looking forward to it. I walked eagerly to the centre of the stage. Till now I remember everything as if it just happens yesterday. I remembered saying into the microphone just before I sang, the words, “You must be sad today. You must be lonely today. But you know what, somewhere there's someone who dreams of your smile, and finds in your presence that life is worthwhile, so when you are lonely, remember it's true: Somebody, somewhere is thinking of you. This song is for you.”

 

   And like with Kyuhyun’s song, I let myself loose with the music…and sang my heart out.

 

It feels like it has been very long
Even this sentence, it feels so unfamiliar now
Just like when I see your eyes, I know everything
Like a friend, just like your shadow

Always, I was by your side
When it was hard, when you were sad
And even when you are lonely too, or when you have just broke up
Even when I’m hurting so much, I will still wipe your tears

There is a man who loves you very much
There is a man who can’t say ‘I Love You’
I’m by your side, a place where you will be able to reach if you just stretch your hands
Someone cherish you and loves you more than himself
I am here

To make you laugh, I only think of that
And when and wherever you are I’m watching you and missing you
And who worries of only you

There is a man who loves you very much
There is a man who can’t say ‘I Love You’
I’m by your side, a place where you will be able to reach if you just stretch your hands
Someone cherish you and loves you more than himself
I am here

I will bear with it for the thousandth time
And for the ten thousandth time I will control myself from telling you
I want to say it out, as if I am going insane
I really want to, embrace you at once

There is a man who doesn’t know I’m like that
Who receives love, but doesn’t even know that it is love
Leaving you, who is as foolish as I and sad
At this time, although tears are dropping
I’m feeling very happy
Because you are by my side

 

   Everybody gave an enthusiastic round of applause. Even I knew I did well, I poured all my feelings and emotions into the song. For him…for Kyuhyun. I scanned the crowd like what he did. My heart sank when I didn’t see him anywhere in the crowd. I felt like all the spirit in my body had left me.

 

   Slowly, tears started to fill my eyes, but I held it in. It would not do me well to cry in front of everybody. It’ll just lead to many questions. And so with a fake smile plastered on my face, I exited the stage, walking quickly to a lonesome place where I could let my tears fall in peace.

 

And I just wanna show you
He don’t even know you
Baby let me love you let me want you
You just see right through me
But if you only knew me
We could be a beautiful, miracle, unbelievable
Instead of just invisible

 

   Loving someone who doesn't love you is like reaching for a star. You know you'll never reach it but you just got to keep trying. That’s how loving Kyuhyun felt like. He was like this star, beautiful in its simplicity, shining silently. If you press me to say why I loved him, I can say no more than it was because he was he and I was I. it wasn’t really a reason, but for me, it was a reason enough.

 

   Despite making a promise to myself never to confess, I still did. How did that happen? I guess it came out of a series of events. It started when Sungmin and Ryeowook became an official item. The news was known by everyone in the school. It was actually a big issue, so of course Kyuhyun also knew about it. In fact, he stopped going to school after the news came out.

 

   I was worried to death for him, but there was really nothing I could do. One rainy night, 1 week after Kyuhyun stopped going to school, I was out to run errands for my mom. I was on my way home when I saw someone standing in the middle of the road. The man, as I deduced based on the figure slightly illuminated by the nearby lights, had his head bent upwards, letting his face gets hit by the pelting rain.

 

   I didn’t know what pushed me to approach the guy, but I did. It was to my great surprise when I saw that the man was no other than the man was the first person in my thoughts every morning, and the last person in my thoughts before I fell asleep. The man of my dreams…Cho Kyuhyun. What happened was…

 

   “Kyuhyun? Kyuhyun-ssi?” I ask, shocked to see him in the middle of the road at night, not caring about the pouring rain. For a while he doesn’t answer, and then when I thought he has no plan to answer me, he suddenly said something.
 

   “Jongwoon-ssi…never make someone your everything, because when they are gone you have nothing,” Kyuhyun mournfully says.

 

   I snort in mockery, “It’s too late for that Kyuhyun-ssi,” I whisper softly. Then, raising my voice, I say, “I think it will be better for you to go home now. You’ll catch a cold if you stay here for too long.”

 

   “You do that, I’ll stay here for a little while,” Kyuhyun says monotonously.

 

   “I can’t do that. If you stay here, then I’ll also stay here. If you want to get soaked in the rain, then I will also,” I say, throwing my umbrella away. Instantly the cold rain hit me, in a matter of a minute, I am completely soaked, my wet clothes clinging on my shivering body, but I kept still and stay on my position.

 

   Kyuhyun just looks at me as if I’ve gone insane, which in truth, was kinda true, before saying, “Suit yourself.” Without anyone speaking, we simultaneously head in the direction of the nearest bench and sit there. There are a few minutes of comfortable since before Kyuhyun broke it.

 

   “I love him, very much…but he doesn’t love me. I don’t even know if he knew about my existence. I received the news about him and the one he loves being together. I want to be happy for him, but I couldn’t even smile, much less laugh. If I go to school in this condition, I’ll just show him this pathetic side of me, and I don’t want that to happen. My heart is in so much pain right now, my head feels like it’s going to explode any second I felt like ripping all my hair out, but that won’t alleviate the pain, it wouldn’t help a single bit. I don’t know what to do anymore Jongwoon-ssi. I just want to stop loving him, how can I stop this feeling?” Kyuhyun rant on non-stop, looking at me with desperation in his eyes.

 

   I close my eyes for a second, willing my heart not to break, not when Kyuhyun is there. I take a deep breath before speaking. “Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart, or burn down your house, you can never tell. Loving someone is a good feeling you know? But…it can be destructive too. In love, pain is inevitable…but suffering is optional. You should cry now, and get over it. It would  do you no good to suppress your feelings like that, if you want to shout, then shout, if you want to bawl right now, then do it. I won’t stop you. Making yourself numb from the pain is just foolish, because numbing the pain will just make it worse when you finally feel it,” I say passionately.

 

   Again, there are a few minutes of silence before I hear a sniff from his direction. It is inaudible at first, then slowly, it turns louder and louder, until he is bawling and wailing right there. With every tear that fall from his eyes I can feel my heart breaking little by little, with every wail of agony he let out, it feels like a million knives embedding themselves on my heart, but I held on. I just continuously rubbed his back and ignore my pain. There’s time to deal with that later, right now, Kyuhyun needs me.

 

   It continues for what felt like forever, until slowly he stops. I am surprised when, out of the blue, he asked me something unexpected. “Jongwoon-ssi, have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defences, you build up a whole suit of armour, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like looks at you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, seeing that person happy with another man feels like a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain,” Kyuhyun say, sniffing a little.

 

   I give him a very bitter smile. “I am in love…with a man who doesn’t love me, with a man who loves another, with a man who never sees me properly, with a man so foolish to keep on loving someone who clearly doesn’t love them. He’s so stupid…but you know what’s more stupid? It’s the fact that, despite all that, I still love him. I guess we’re both stupid, both of us continuously hold on, even though we know that in doing so, we keep on breaking ourselves. Every pain, every tear, every sadness, every heart break breaks our hearts little by little it’s a surprise we’re still alive with what’s little left of it. Most of the time I wish I stop loving him, but it’s not that easy. To fall in love is awfully simple, to fall out of love is simply awful. It’s not something you do by choice, not something you can force either. All you can do is wait…wait until the time when all the wounds heal completely. Wait until there’s no pain anymore. This kind of wound may leave a scar, but scars are nothing compared to the pain that put them there. So if you’re asking me whether I know how painful it is to love…I know, you just have no idea how much I know,” I say. For the first time I pour all my feelings out.

 

   Kyuhyun give me a sympathetic look as he rubs my back in the same way I did for him a while ago. If he only knows who’s giving me this feeling, then he won’t act this way. But I just let him, whenever there’s a chance to take the moment that I know will be memorable, I grab it…because the word ‘next time’ is always too far.

 

   “Jongwoon-ssi?”

 

   “Hmm,” I hum lazily, enjoying the soothing feeling of Kyuhyun’s hands rubbing on my back.

 

   “When will I…when will I stop feeling like this? When will I stop hurting?” Kyuhyun asks me seriously.

 

   I look at him straight in the eyes, and said, “You can’t, not until you let go, not until you accept that he can’t be yours. Only with acceptance there can be recovery. The most painful thing in life is losing yourself in the process of valuing someone too much and forgetting that you’re special too. You deserve to be happy too, maybe more than they do, and the only way for that to happen is if you let go. It may take some time but trust me; you’ll get to the point where the memory of him won’t hurt you anymore. There’s nothing time can’t heal.”

 

   For a while, we just sit there and look straight into each other’s eyes. In his eyes I can see pain, sadness, weariness, and the determination that grows more and more as time passes, the determination to turn his life around.

 

   He smiles weakly and looks away. “I suddenly remembered what my mother told me once. Life is all about getting used to what you’re not used to. When things don’t turn out the way you want, then turn them around the way you can. You’re right, I must move on. I deserve to be happy too,” Kyuhyun says firmly.

 

   I smile widely, “You don’t have to rush. Moving on is a slow process, it takes time. So don’t overexert yourself. What’s important is you start doing it. Taking the first step is already half the journey, so when you begin, that means you’re already halfway there, you just have to pursue it.”

 

   “Thanks Jongwoon-ssi!” Kyuhyun says, much more cheerful now than before. “Let’s go home now, I’ll walk you home, in exchange for staying with me,” he says, standing up.

 

   “Ah…Kyuhyun-ssi,” I say hesitantly. I want to grab this opportunity to confess. We will graduate soon and this kind of opportunity may not present itself anymore. Even though this may not be the most perfect time for Kyuhyun, I still have to do it.

 

   “Yeah?” Kyuhyun asks.

 

   “Uhm…can we stay for a little while more? There’s just something I want to tell you,” I ask, praying fervently that he will agree.

 

   Kyuhyun looks questioningly at me first, before shrugging and sitting down again. “Fire away,” he says casually.

 

   I open my mouth but close it again. I open it once again but end up closing it again. I want to hit myself. I’m really resolved in confessing but deciding to do it and actually doing it is two different things.

 

   Kyuhyun giggled in amusement, “You know, you look like a fish with your mouth opening and closing like that. Just say what you want to and get over it.”

 

   I am lost upon hearing Kyuhyun giggled. It was such a nice sound, like the gentlest music playing in my ears. It’s weird but that laugh is what gives me the courage to say what I want to say for a long time now.

 

   “Kyuhyun-ssi…I…I like you, no, I love you. I really love you Kyuhyun-ssi!” I watched as the smile plastered on his face vanished, leaving confusion in its wake.

 

   “I…I…I don’t-” Kyuhyun splutter, trying to form coherent words. What hurts is not the way he can’t say anything, not the way he can’t reply, but what hurts the most is when he looked away. Right then, I knew there’s no hope. I know a lost case when I see one. Kyuhyun remained in that position, eyes avoiding me, hands clutching tighter, his body stiff with tension. I decide to relieve him from his agony, it’s better to let myself suffer alone, than to watch his suffering.

 

   “It’s okay. You don’t have to say anything. These feelings are mine; I’m not forcing it on you. It’s just that, this love is already too much to bear alone; I just have to let it out. I believe that we should always tell someone how we feel. Mean what we say and say what we mean even when it’s hard, because opportunities are lost in a blink of an eye…but regrets can last a lifetime. I don’t want to spend my lifetime regretting the fact that with just a little courage I could have told you, but I wasted it. All I want is a simple yes or no. Do I have a chance, Kyuhyun-ssi?” I ask. I tell myself I’m not doing this to invite more pain, I’m not a masochist. I just want a clean break, I just want him to properly dump me so I can move on.

 

   Kyuhyun give me a pained look. “Jogwoon-ssi…I…I don’t want to hurt you.”

 

   I dig my nails deeper into my arms, willing myself not to break, and not to dissolve into tears, because that’s what I want to do the most in this moment. But I can’t…I can’t break down now; I must not make it too hard for Kyuhyun.

 

   “Then I’ll close my eyes, and count up to ten. If at ten you’re still here, then it means yes…but if you’re gone,” I swallow with difficulty, drowning the sobs that is about to come out. “Then it means no.”

 

   I slowly close my eyes, but not before seeing the apologetic look on his eyes. I welcome the darkness; if only I can make myself numb then everything will be perfect. I don’t know if I’ve gone deaf because I can’t hear anything, except my voice slowly counting up to 10, and the loud thumping of my heart. I can’t even sense anything.

 

   When I finish counting, I am so afraid to open my eyes, I don’t want to open it, but I can’t stay there forever…and so I did. My eyes blur a little and I have a difficulty focusing it, but after a few seconds my eyes clear and I manage to see clearly.

 

   The wind picks up, almost violent. The trees swayed dangerously due to the force of the wind. The rain, if possible, became much stronger, and a chilly wind settled in the place, making me shiver violently. It looks like a storm was about to come…but it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter that the trees looks like it’s going to fall off soon, it doesn’t matter that I’m shivering badly and will likely have a cold tomorrow, it doesn’t matter that the rain is much stronger now than before and going home might be too difficult…the only thing that matters is…the seat next to mine was empty.

 

   I look at it for a moment. As if looking at it will magically bring its previous occupant back. Well, I got my answer now. I smirk cynically, a smirk that turns into a small laugh, until I was fully laughing out. Maybe I’ve gone insane from too much pain that I’m feeling right now. My heart is not just shattered, it’s crushed. My insides feel like someone had poured acid into it, set it on fire, multiply that pain 100x and that won’t even come close to what I’m feeling now. My insides feel like it has stopped functioning. I can’t breathe; I can’t think, I don’t know what to do anymore.

 

   The mad laugh turns into a whimper that soon becomes a cry. Tears start pouring out non-stop. But it was lost with the rain that was pouring; my howls and shouts are also lost with the loud roaring of the wind. It’s as if heavens are also crying with me, like they’re taking a fair share of my pain, making it their own. It soothes me a little, it makes me silent. The tears are still there, I try stopping it but I feel like it’s coming out on its own accord, so I just let it.

 

   I look into the heavens, not caring if the full force of the rain hits my face, and pray. Pray…that someday…me and Kyuhyun…we both found our happiness. But if I can’t…then at least Kyuhyun…at least him…I want him to be happy. I want him to stop crying…I want him to stop being in pain…even if it means crying forever, and being in pain forever.

 

   I pray…

 

   The next day, news of Cho Kyuhyun dropping out of the school spreads fast.

He can’t see the way your eyes
Will light up when you smile...

 

----

 

   It is 5 or 6 years now since that day. I have just managed to find a good job and me and my best friend Sungmin are out to celebrate, with his boyfriend Ryeowook. Their relationship survived everything that came in their way; I guess that’s what you really call true love. I feel a twinge of jealousy every time I look at them, they got their happily ever after, while me? I’m still stuck with once upon a time.

 

   I know when to stop. I know when to let things go. I know when to move on. But…I know is different from I can. Until now I still remember that night. Kyuhyun never left my mind either, he’s just there…always there.

 

   “Jongwoon? Jongwoonie? Hey! Are still with us?”

 

   “Huh?” I ask stupidly, not aware that Sungmin had been calling me for the last minute.

 

   “I’ve been calling you for a while now. Geez! What the hell are you thinking about for you to space out like that?” Sungmin says, rolling his eyes.

 

   I smile. “Nothing. It’s just that I’m tired. I think I’ll go home now.”

 

   “What?” Sungmin exclaims. “It’s still early, and this is a celebration for you. You can’t go home. NO!”

 

   “But Sungmin…”

 

   “I said NO! And when I said no, it means no!” Sungmin says firmly.

 

   “C’mon Minnie, just let Jongwoon go home, he looks like he’s about to fall off his feet,” Ryeowook tries to reason out in behalf of me.

 

   “But Wookie,” Sungmin complains.

 

   “It’s his day. We should let him do what he wants,” Ryeowook says firmly, shooting me a conspiratorial wink.

 

   I smile at him in gratitude.

 

   “Oh…okay,” Sungmin gives in reluctantly. “But we have to go out again huh; there’ll be part two right?” Sungmin gives me his world-famous aegyo he knows I can’t resist.

 

   I sigh wearily. “Okay okay, we’ll go out again,” I say, standing up. I give Sungmin a hug and a clap to Ryeowook’s back before going out.

 

   On the drive home I can’t help but feel guilty. I’ve been neglecting my friend Sungmin for such a long time now, but I just can’t help it. I get jealous every time I see them smiling, and being happy with each other. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for them but there’s just this little resentment in my chest , like a little demon that refuses to go out. Deep inside, I know Ryeowook knew about this feeling of mine, that’s why he always tries to make things a little easier for me. He’s a nice guy…they’re made for each other. I just hope I also find mine, preferably soon before I gone crazy.

 

   I can’t afford my own place yet so I still live in an apartment. As I park my car in the garage, I notice the vacant house beside mine is open, and lots of cardboard packages litter the hallway while a man directed the delivery boys on where they’ll put the remaining packages. I decide to be a good neighbour and greet the person.

 

   “Hello! I’m your neighbour. It’s nice-” I got tongue-tied when the man faces me and I see who it is. Why? It’s no other than Cho Kyuhyun. My eyes widen and so does his. No one spoke, we just both look at each other. Memories of the last time I saw him play in my mind. The rejection, tears, pain, sadness swirled inside of me. The pain from that day that I thought is already gone was slapping me full force on the face, as if mocking me, saying how wrong I am.

 

   “Jongwoon-ssi…” Kyuhyun trails off.

 

   I swallow hard, trying to compose myself and drown the bile that rose from my throat. “Kyuhyun-ssi…it-it’s been a long time,” I splutter. I want to hit myself for stuttering. It just makes me look pathetic.

 

   “Uhm…yeah. It’s really been a long time,” Kyuhyun says, keeping his eyes trained on me that it makes me feel conscious. I avoid his intense gaze and focus on the boxes scattered on the floor.

 

   “So…you’re moving next door huh?” I inquire casually.

 

   “Yeah…my workplace is near this place so it’ll be more convenient for me to stay here,” he answers.

 

   “Is that so? Well…if you need anything, I’m just next door, just knock on my door,” I say. I can’t stand Kyuhyun’s stare on my face anymore. Is there some sort of dirt on my face? Is my nose not in the right position? Or is it upside down? Well, whatever the reason is, I can’t stand it. I need to leave, quickly.

 

   “Sure,” Kyuhyun replies casually as I take my leave. Once I close my door I lean on it. I just realize that my knees are shaking and it feels so weak it’s a surprise I didn’t fall. I take deep breaths to calm my heart.

 

   I stay in that position for about five minutes before I manage to gather enough strength to walk. I am about to walk away when there’s a loud knock on my door. My brows furrow in confusion. I move to open my door. I am surprised when I see Kyuhyun standing outside, looking so handsome as always. The sight of him never fails to take my breath away and tonight is no exception.

 

   “Uhm…I just want to say, I mean, ask you something?” Kyuhyun asks, blush colouring his cheeks.

 

   “What is it?” I ask.

 

   Kyuhyun opens his mouth then closes it again. He opens it again only to close it. I laugh, it’s déjà vu, it’s as if I’m seeing myself from six years ago.

 

   “You look like a fish doing that. Just say what you want to say and get over it,” I say the exact same thing he said to me before, making him laugh. It means he still remembers that night.

 

   “Would you like to go out with me one of these nights?” Kyuhyun asks.

 

   To say I am shocked is an understatement. I am shocked, stunned, surprised, and taken aback all rolled into one…even though technically all those words meant the same thing.

 

   Kyuhyun looked hopeful at first, but after five minutes of standing there and not hearing any response from me, he looked down sadly.

 

   “Am I too late? Can’t you give me a chance anymore? I’m sorry…I’m sorry for hurting you. I was just being stupid. Can you forgive me?” Kyuhyun says, pleading with me with his eyes.

 

   I don’t say anything. I just kept quiet. Shock is still the strongest emotion inside of me, it renders me speechless. So I wasn’t ignoring him intentionally.

 

   Kyuhyun looks so sad. “It’s okay. I won’t force you. I’m sorry to waste your time,” he says then turns his back and starts walking away.

 

   The sight of him walking away is what wakes me up. I can’t let what happened before happen again. I can’t let him walk out on me once again.

 

   I make a wild grab on the back of his shirt. I grip it tightly to stop his movements, then grab his shoulders and force him to face me again. I am surprise to see tears pouring out of his eyes. He wipes his eyes immediately when he see that I am looking at them.

 

   “What is it?” Kyuhyun asks, avoiding my eyes.

 

   “I love you.”

 

   Both our eyes widen. I didn’t mean to say that. What I wanted to say was that I would  like to go out with him. I don’t know what had came into my mind for me to say that.

 

   I turn beet red in embarrassment. “Forget what I said. What I want to say is I won’t mind going out with you.” Now it’s my turn to avoid his eyes.

 

   Kyuhyun laughs and as impossible as it may seem, I turn redder. “Thank you Jongwoon-ssi,” he smiles gently.

 

   “You’re welcome,” I say in lack of a better word. Euphoria fills me inside, making me giddy with happiness. What I want to do is jump in joy and shout till my voice is hoarse but that can wait until I’m back in the privacy of my home.

 

   “Um…Jongwoon-ssi?”

 

   “Yes?” I ask eagerly.

 

   “Can you let go of me now?” Kyuhyun asks, looking pointedly at my hands gripping his shoulders.

 

   I release it immediately and fidget in embarrassment.

 

   Kyuhyun smiles in amusement. “So…tomorrow night?” he asks tentatively.

 

   “Uhm…sure. Tomorrow night it is,” I answer happily.

 

   We simultaneously move to enter our own house but our eyes are still trained on each other. We reach our doors at the same time but we don’t make any move to open it. we just keep on looking at each other, feasting each other with our eyes.

 

   “You go first,” Kyuhyun says.

 

   “Nah, you go first,” I answer.

 

   “It’s okay, you go first.”

 

   “I want to stay a little bit so you go first.”

 

   “I want to stay too…so, can I accompany you?” Kyuhyun asks hopefully.

 

   “Uhm…sure. The rooftop is a good place,” I suggest.

 

   We both walk towards the direction of the rooftop. On the way there, I feel Kyuhyun’s hand taking mine, squeezing it gently.

 

   We continue to walk forward…with wide smiles on our faces.

 

 

~Fin~

 

 

A/N: *shudders at the ending* This is why I don’t want to write happy ending, but because of a certain girl who convinced me to put a good ending so it became like this xDD!!

This is the longest fic I made and it took me a week to finished it. I can totally relate to the feeling of liking someone, yet that someone only has eyes for my best friend. It’s not a nice feeling, and writing this fic made me weary because it made me relieve the past T.T

But I hope you like it. Pease tell me what you think about this fic. Comments are love!!

I’m sorry for ignoring LtLB but don’t worry, I’m currently writing that right now. I just have to write this first since this is a present for two lovely girls I love very much :D