He couldn’t wrap his head around it. They took turns. It was sick. They had to take turns sitting outside a door. They had to take turns sitting outside of a door that they knew wouldn’t open anytime soon. It was sick that they had to sit there hoping that that would keep one of their closest friends from killing himself.

Ji-Yong wasn’t sure of course, that Daesung would actually do it, but the fact that Daesung might be thinking about it was sick. Their Daesung, who had been the sun for the rest of Big Bang when things were rough, The same Daesung that got told by fans worldwide that he brought a smile to their faces even in the darkest of times.

Now that beautiful human being was behind that ing door. Doing what? Crying? Scratching his skin? Wondering why? The best Ji-Yong could hope for was that he was sleeping. He didn’t dare to hope that Daesung would come out anytime soon.

It had been 6 months since the accident. And Daesung had only gone backwards. Blaming himself. Blaming himself for a death he couldn’t have prevented from happening. Blaming himself for something that was proven not to be his fault.

If only the comments could stop. Youngbae had had to stop Ji-Yong several times from sharing his honest feelings on every social media platform he was active on. If Ji-Yong had his way he would tell everybody to go and themselves, but YG hadn’t allowed any of them to make direct comments to this scandal.

Ji-Yong was talking. He was aware of that. He remembered that Daesung used to talk to him until he fell asleep when his anxiety took over. When the pressure of being G-Dragon became too much to handle. He was crying softly in his bed because he couldn’t do it anymore, when the door opened with a soft ‘hyung?’. It had been Daesung who had gotten out of bed to pee.

Daesung had sat down next to his head, he had out Ji-Yong’s head in his lap and carded his fingers through his hair whilst whispering encouraging words to him. When Ji-Yong had made a disapproving noise, because he got enough of those meaningless words from everybody, Daesung had stopped talking. But when Ji-Yong started wriggling again, not too sure of what he wanted Daesung to do, Daesung had started talking again. Not anything particularly encouraging, but more of what he had done today. His thoughts on anything not work-related. The prices had gone up for rice, according to Daesung.

Now Ji-Yong was hoping that talking would sooth Daesung as much as it had helped him that night, and some night since. He remembered that he had never properly thanked Daesung for the sacrifice of sleep, God knows they didn’t get enough to begin with. He choked back a sob that had been threating to come out for quite some time now.

Daesung had done stuff like that for all the members, Ji-Yong was sure. The 4 never talked about these experiences though, or at least not with each other. Ji-Yong had remembered one time when he had walked in on Daesung and Seunghyun talking to each other. It had been a weighting day. Ji-Yong found it weird they still had those, with being Big Bang and all. He didn’t know what had happened after he left earlier to start producing for a next comeback for some other group. But apparently something big, everyone was walking on egg-shells when Seunghyun was near, even Seungri was taken back. God knows what Daesung had said or done for Seunghyun, all Ji-Yong knows was that by the time it was time to have dinner together at some restaurant the atmosphere was better.

Daesung had helped them all so much, and now they were absolutely useless. Now that they could maybe start doing something back for Daesung, there was nothing they could do.

This was the thing that frustrated Ji-Yong the most. He needed to be in control, always had needed that. And now he had nothing to grasp as one of his best friends was suffering. He threw his phone, which he had been using to keep his hands busy, against the wall. Whether it broke or not, he didn’t know nor care.

He turned around to lie down on his stomach, with his face awkwardly pressed against the door. When Seungri came walking towards Daesung bedroom to bring both Ji-Yong and hopefully Daesung dinner, if he would open his door, he didn’t even laugh at Ji-Yong cheek that was pressed against the door and made his face look crumpled. He just sighed sadly and blinked away the tears.

Seungri had been so affected by it. He felt so betrayed and sad, both mostly lonely. Daesung had been his partner in crime, whether it was to make fun of his hyungs on variety shows, or when they switched their turns with the bathroom, that way Seungri could shower with hot water once in a while.

Ji-Yong felt so bad for not being there more for Seungri, but then again he never had to be there. Ji-Yong accepted both trays and when Seungri was out of ear-shot, starts knocking on the door again. He realized once again that this door was the only thing keeping him from properly checking in on Daesung. He might not be the strongest, but he was sure that with the help from Youngbae and Seunghyun they would be able to break the door down. But he also knew that if they disturbed the poor boy now, that he would never get over it nor forgive any of them for breaching his privacy in such a cruel and uncalculated manner.

“Dae? Dae, I have some food for you. Can you open the door please? We don’t have to talk or anything, just open the door and let me see you are still alive? Please?” his voice broke several times, but the ‘please’ had come out so softly that Ji-Yong was sure that Daesung hadn’t even heard, unless he was sitting against the door as well.

Ji-Yong had very little hopes that the door would actually open, by now the rest just placed the food next to the door after knocking and telling Daesung that the food  was ready. But Ji-Yong couldn’t do that. He was the leader, he felt responsible for making sure that everybody was doing the best they can. So he kept asking Daesung to open the door, although all his attempts had been futile.

He was about ready to sit down again when the door opened.

It wasn’t much, just a slid really. But it showed that Daesung was at least still alive and capable of movement. They had never been sure if Daesung had been eating. He would grab the tray when nobody was outside of the room, and place it back as well. It was always empty, but for all they knew Daesung had simply emptied the plate in the trash.

“Dae?” Ji-Yong said very softly. He reached out to push the door further open, but the moment he touched the door Daesung talked.

“Help. Oh God, Hyung help. It hurts.”

At this unexpected plea, Ji-Yong immediately opened the door. What he saw chilled him down to the bone.

Daesung was lying on the floor next to the door. The strong muscular man had disappeared completely. The person laying there was nothing more than a shell of the man Ji-Yong had remembered. Daesung looked like he hadn’t eaten anything properly in the past months.

“Oh my God, Daesung. What happened? What hurts? GUYS!!!!” he was panicking. The guys were at Ji-Yong’s side in minutes. Ji-Yong’s head was all over the place. He needed to help his dongsang, he needed to act like a leader right now. But he was at such a lost he didn’t know where to turn.

Luckily Youngbae’s mother instinct kicked in. Ji-Yong was vaguely aware of being told to help to get Daesung sitting upright. Seungri moved to the bathroom to get some water and hot towels and Seunghyun had to go to the kitchen and get something easy to eat.

Youngbae started checking Daesung for wounds and injuries. Ji-Yong had situated himself next to Daesung, with his back against the wall and his arms around the shaking boy.  Daesung put his head on Ji-Yong’s shoulder, and as a reflex Ji-Yong immediately started his hair. Daesung started crying, sobbing immensely.

“Hyung, hospital please.” Ji-Yong was sure that he was the only one that had heard it. The rest were too busy. Ji-Yong didn’t really care though.

“Okay, but I am going to need you to help me okay?” Ji-Yong asked softly. The others had noticed that something had happened between the leader and the boy they were trying to help.

“Try to stand and lean on Youngbae and me okay?” Ji-Yong told Daesung. He mouthed to Youngbae ‘hospital’ and they moved together to help Daesung on his feet.

“Seungri, go get Daesung’s coat and shoes ready. Seunghyun-hyung go and get the car to the front of the building.” Ji-Yong immediately ordered. Both immediately left to do as they were told.

Youngbae, Ji-Yong and Daesung made slow process across the hall, towards the door from their apartment. Daesung kept faltering. He tripped over his own feet, and 2 times almost lost consciousness. Ji-Yong wasn’t sure what the immediate problem was. All he knew was that he wanted to help his best friend, the friend that has been at his side unconditionally for the past years.

If Daesung wanted to go to the hospital, then Ji-Yong would bring him there, hell, he would buy Daesung his own hospital for all he cared.

By the time they were in the elevator down, Daesung was having difficulty with keeping his eyes open, his full weight resting on Ji-Yong’s and Youngbae’s shoulders, with Seungri following them just in case Daesung would fall backwards. Ji-Yong notices how incredibly light Daesung. The struggled across the lobby, and what Ji-Yong saw outside was a problem they didn’t need right now. Outside, crowded around their car and the entrance, were paparazzi. Those s always showed up, when they were the least wanted. Ji-Yong tried to think of a way to keep Daesung from having his picture taken in the situation he was in right at that moment, but couldn’t think of one out of the top of his head. He mentioned to the receptionist, who up and till then was frozen in shock of seeing 4 celebrities struggling and tumbling across the lobby, to get some bodyguards here and fast. She understood, and by the time the trio had finally arrived at the door there were 4 bodyguards ready to go.

The bodyguard did their job, and all 4 of them arrived at the car without being harassed too much. The moment the doors closed Daesung seemed ready to pass out. Seunghyun wouldn’t allow that though, not knowing whether Daesung would be able to open his eyes again. Seunghyun handed a bowl of some bibimbap to the back seat, whilst he took off into the busy traffic. Youngbae kept Daesung awake whilst Seungri carefully helped Daesung eat some food. Ji-Yong was in the passenger seat and was phoning Yang Hyun-Suk PDnim. Ji-Yong quickly explained the situation and Yang Hyun-Suk PDnim promised to meet them at the hospital.

Traffic had always been annoying, but Ji-Yong couldn’t think of a time he hated it more than he did right now. Daesung had fallen asleep after finishing half a bowl of bibimbap, and was resting his head on top of Youngbae’s shoulder.

When they arrived at the hospital, they found out that Yang Hyun-Suk PDnim had pulled some strings already, and that there were bodyguards on side and hospital employees ready to Daesung inside of the hospital.

The moment they were inside the hospital, Daesung was taken towards a hospital room, and the waiting began for the rest of the members. Not long afterwards Yang Hyun-Suk PDnim came walking into the hall.

“What do we know?” he asked, getting straight to the point.

“Nothing.” Ji-Yong answered. The members, but mostly Ji-Yong, explained about how Daesung had opened the door and from there on out.

Yang Hyun-Suk PDnim nodded and told them that they had acted wisely. But now all they could do was wait. This was not something they were used to. With their recent popularity they never have to wait for anything, whether it is clothes, money or girls. They had it within their grasp in less than a minute.

They had to wait now, staring at yet another door that was separating them from one of their best friends. Ji-Yong thought of the irony. At first he stared at the door with the slightest hope of their friend being okay but also filled with insecurity, and now he was staring at a door knowing his friend wasn’t okay but with a bit more security with the knowledge that Daesung was with professionals.

He wasn’t sure which situation he preferred.

After hours of waiting, or at least that is what it felt like, the doors opened. Out came a doctor who gave them a reassuring smile.

“He will be okay. We ran some tests to make sure everything still functions as it should, but nothing seems to be out of order. He is mainly malnourished and needs to eat more. He has some bruises and cuts, which will hurt because his body isn’t responding properly. He has to stay here for a couple of days, but after that you can bring him home.” The doctor explained quickly and left to go check on his other patients.

Not long after the scare, Daesung had been permitted to go home. Once they were home the other members tried to reason with Daesung that he should allow them to check up on him at least once every 2 days. Daesung agreed, realising that he was putting his own health at risk and causing stress for the others.

The moment Daesung had entered his room and closed the door, Ji-Yong heard a click.

Ji-Yong realised then that it was going to take a while to get Daesung happy again.