Baekhyun doesn’t answer any of Chanyeol’s calls.

Chanyeol asks Sehun about Wendy, but Sehun tells him that he dated Wendy far past the time he and Baekhyun broke up, and that he doesn’t remember anything about his relationship with Baekhyun being connected to his relationship with Wendy.

Everything feels like a dead end, but Chanyeol remains determined to get Baekhyun to talk to him. On his walks outside, he visits the places he used to see Baekhyun, and continues to call Baekhyun, even though he doesn’t answer.

His dreams are still full of Baekhyun, even when he doesn’t want them to be. One dream stands out in particular, where he and Baekhyun are standing in the park, and it’s the look of hopeless despair in Baekhyun’s eyes that Chanyeol remembers when he wakes up, that look of helpless pain that has Chanyeol reaching for a pencil to draw it, to capture the emotions that Baekhyun was feeling, in that moment that he understands.

He writes down as much of it that he can remember so he can bring it up to Baekhyun. The winter scenery in the park. The time indicated by the sunset. The words Baekhyun said. The look in his eyes.

“Do you remember any time that I was really embarrassed of Baekhyun?” Chanyeol asks his roommate.

“No, you were the embarrassing one in that relationship.”

Chanyeol squints at his friend. “I’m being serious here, Sehun.”

“Why do you always need to talk to me when I’m busy?” Sehun asks, refusing to look up from his book.

“No time for questions, just answers,” Chanyeol rushes him, snapping for emphasis on how important this is. “He said I cut off communication with him before we broke up, and I’m trying to figure out why.” When Sehun opens his mouth to speak, Chanyeol interrupts with, “Don’t ask why I didn’t ask Baekhyun; I wouldn’t be here asking you if I hadn’t already tried.”

Sehun glances over his book at Chanyeol and stays quiet for a while. “Oh,” Sehun finally says, “perhaps after that restaurant incident? Do you remember that?” When Chanyeol shakes his head, Sehun continues. “You didn’t say a thing about it, Baekhyun was the one that mentioned it. He said it bothered you a lot though. Apparently you two went on a date at a restaurant and some old person told you and Baekhyun that you two were gross or something; I don’t remember.” Sehun frowns and hums. “I don’t think that’s why you broke up though; you still dated for a while after that. Why would you break up over what some old people had to say? You got a little distant a while after that though, and that was when Baekhyun started looking the saddest.”

Chanyeol stares at Sehun silently, but the words he said brings back a memory.

He and Baekhyun were standing in the park, well into winter with the way the trees had lost their leaves and a soft blanket of frost across the bushes and the ground.

“Why is this bothering you so suddenly? You were fine being ‘boyfriends’ during college–”

“But this is the real world, Baekhyunnie, and not everyone is going to accept us out there like our friends do.”

“Then why do those people matter?”

“That’s my future, Baekhyun–”

“And I’m not?! I’m not a part of your future?” Baekhyun asked, offended. “Sure, I guess, why should I spend the rest of my life with a man who’s more concerned about what the rest of the world thinks than his own fiancee,” he stressed, waving the silver ring in front of Chanyeol’s face.

“Will you stop making it sound like I’m saying that I don’t love you?”

“That’s all that I hear!” Baekhyun screamed, cupping his hands over his red-tipped ears. “You care more about their thoughts than me; what else is that supposed to mean!”

“Stop that,” Chanyeol said, pulling Baekhyun’s hands away from his ears, “That’s not what I’m saying!”

“What else could you possibly be saying?”

“I’m saying that it’s hard being like this!” Chanyeol returned. “You don’t get it; your mom is so accepting of us. My parents aren’t like that, you know my parents!”

“I don't know your parents, you won't let me meet them!” Baekhyun screamed back.

“You think they’d let me marry you?! They’d never accept that!” Chanyeol scoffed. “Why do you want to meet my parents so badly?”

“It’s not about your parents, Yeol!” Baekhyun shouted, hitting his fists against Chanyeol’s chest, “It’s that you’re so ashamed of me, we can rarely hold hands on campus anymore and you won’t even show me to your family.”

“That’s not...” Chanyeol stopped speaking to grab Baekhyun’s fists and hold them as he continued. “That’s not true. I’m not ashamed of you. Stop that,” Chanyeol said gently, pulling Baekhyun in for a hug. He squeezed him tightly and whispered, “You know that I love you, Baekhyun.”

Baekhyun remained silent for a few seconds before he mumbled something against Chanyeol’s chest. “We’re not keeping those promises of getting married after we graduate, are we?”

Chanyeol slowly released the tight hold of the man he loved and looked down to him. Baekhyun wouldn’t look up to meet his eyes. With a sigh, Chanyeol took Baekhyun’s hands into his, slowly unfolding Baekhyun’s balled fists until he was holding his small, trembling fingers with his own gloved hands and speaks, softly, sincerely. “I would love to marry you, Baekhyun.”

Baekhyun took a few seconds to look up to his lover’s face. “But you’re already married to your fears.”

“Where...” Chanyeol gasps, breathlessly distressed, “Where did this memory come from?”

“What memory?” Sehun asks, but Chanyeol is already shuffling away, hastily asking where Baekhyun works, where Baekhyun lives, and where he’s most likely to be.

Chanyeol rushes out of the apartment to find Baekhyun. He checks the cafe, he checks the local supermarket, and every place in between, and only when he returns to the pond, does he see Baekhyun standing on that grassy slope, skipping rocks across the still water.

“Baekhyun,” Chanyeol calls as he walks down the slope. Baekhyun looks tired, like he has been out here for days, skipping rocks alone.

“What do you want this time?”

“I’m not… ashamed of you.” Chanyeol hesitates as if hoping that he’s wrong, hoping that memory was just another bad dream, hoping that Baekhyun would scrunch his nose at him and ask what he’s talking about and shoo him away, but the look on Baekhyun’s face is stunned, silently surprised, and it doesn’t seem like he’s happy to see Chanyeol’s returned memory.

“You remembered.” Baekhyun releases the words in a soft whisper, and Chanyeol’s heart aches as Baekhyun drops the stone from his hand and takes a step back.

Chanyeol sighs heavily as he envelops Baekhyun in a hug. “Not all of it, but enough.” He stays quiet for a few seconds. “We were engaged?” Chanyeol asks, and Baekhyun nods slowly.

Chanyeol lets go of his brunette and looks down to him, but Baekhyun won’t meet his eyes. “So that’s it?” Chanyeol asks, “I got so worried about how other people felt about our relationship that I ended it?” Baekhyun closes his eyes. Chanyeol groans. “Why wouldn’t you just tell me?”

Chanyeol watches him closely. He looks embarrassed, and he looks afraid. As though he’s confronting a fear he never wanted to face. “At first,” Baekhyun begins, “I liked seeing you so torn, looking for an answer I had and wouldn’t give. Then I figured it’d be unfair if I let you know. You were as you were before you had those worries, and I thought I shouldn’t be the one to make you have them again.” He pauses. “And then I didn’t tell you because I had one thing that you wanted, and as long as I held onto it, I knew you’d keep coming back.” He lets out a loud sigh, but there’s a soft, guilty smile on his face. “It was selfish, wasn’t it?” He looks down to the floor. “We’re both selfish, I suppose.”

Chanyeol watches Baekhyun as he turns around and picks up another rock to skip. Chanyeol still has no recollection of the events. He can’t tell Baekhyun what he wants to hear because he doesn’t remember regretting him or of their relationship, and he can’t give Baekhyun a proper explanation of why he acted like that or why he had those fears. He doesn’t remember being flamboyant with his uality, but he doesn’t remember being so closeted that he’d even shut out Baekhyun. It was an issue they had left on the back burner for so long that neither of them noticed until it had gone up in flames and burned them both.

Baekhyun manages to speak when Chanyeol can’t find the words. “You can go now, then. You got your answers.”

“Answers aren’t what I’m here for,” Chanyeol responds. “I’m here for you.”

Baekhyun lets out a mirthless laugh. “You’re going to apologize again, and I’ve already told you I don’t want to hear it anymore.”

“I want you to stop looking so miserable all the damn time,” Chanyeol says. “And I know my apologies alone can’t stop that.” Baekhyun’s lips seal into a tight line as he squeezes the rock in his hands. “So if you think I’m going to leave you with just those few words,” Chanyeol continues, “you must not remember me as well as you think you do.” Baekhyun looks up to Chanyeol, and Chanyeol stares back at him, stepping closer. “I loved you,” he says when he stops in front of Baekhyun. “And you loved me too. So why did we end the way we did?”

Baekhyun watches Chanyeol for a few seconds and drops the rock he’s holding. “I don’t know,” he finally breathes out in a sigh. “I tried so hard to stop you from leaving. I tried so desperately to convince you that loving me was worth it, but I really can’t change your mind when you decide on something.”

Baekhyun looks away as he recounts the years past. “You started closing off around everyone, Yeol. We couldn't even hold hands on our way to class anymore. Do you know what it feels like for you to take your hand away from mine just because someone was watching?” He stops to glance at Chanyeol, and immediately looks away. “And then you started dating Wendy, like you were trying to be normal or something, and it was so hard realizing that you’d never be as comfortable around people with me as you were with her.” He takes a few step backs and gives a disbelieving laugh. “I started hating myself too.”

“I never hated you,” Chanyeol counters.

“It felt like you did. It felt like I was a blemish in your otherwise perfect life. Like if I wasn’t there, you could be happy. If you didn’t love me, you could be happy.” Baekhyun’s eyes are full of sorrow. “How could I marry a man who made me feel like I was the only thing keeping him from happiness and a normal life?”

Chanyeol steps forward to caress his cheek. “You were the only thing that kept me happy, Baekhyun, you know that.”

“You can say that, but I still had nightmares.” He takes Chanyeol’s hand away from his face and holds it tightly with both of his hands, his fingers trembling around Chanyeol’s. “I thought it was my fault,” Baekhyun chokes out through his faltering smile. “I thought I was making you uncomfortable, and I thought that you were disgusted by me.” His smile breaks. “I thought that perhaps if I was a girl, you’d still like me. You wouldn’t be ashamed of me.” Baekhyun lets out a broken laugh and cups his hands over his mouth. “I felt like I dragged you into this against your will. Because I liked you, you were so nice that you felt obligated to like me back.”

“Baekhyun,” Chanyeol cuts in, trying to get him to stop when the weight of his accusations is breaking Chanyeol’s heart, and watching Baekhyun break is too much for him to bear.

“You didn’t want to marry me,” Baekhyun continues, “you just went along with it because I wanted you to.” He pauses. “I understand,” Baekhyun says as he avoids Chanyeol’s eyes, “you were excited and in the moment, you said yes, and later realized it was too much to handle, I understand.”

“Baekhyun,” Chanyeol says, placing his hands on Baekhyun’s shoulders to hold him steady, “it wasn’t like that.”

“Then what was it?” Baekhyun asks, finally looking up to Chanyeol. “You don’t know either; you don’t even remember.” Chanyeol’s grip on his shoulder loosens slightly. “This is really frustrating for me too,” Baekhyun continues, “I can’t get all the answers I’m looking for either.”

“But I know it wasn’t,” Chanyeol stresses. “I fell for you in highschool, Baekhyun. Those years you were gone? Those were the worst years of my life. I hated having you any further away than my fingertips, so when you came back, I thought I’d never let you go. You didn’t drag me into anything I didn’t want to do. I was far too in love with you before you took my first kiss.” Chanyeol drops his hands from Baekhyun’s shoulders to hold his hands. “And if I didn’t want this relationship, if I didn’t want to marry you, why would I have those rings to propose to you–”

“Those aren’t your rings, Chanyeol, they were mine!” Baekhyun shouts, his face blossoming with red. “I bought them. I proposed to you. And when you left, you gave it back to me.”

Chanyeol’s expression fades as he watches Baekhyun, who changes from irked to distressed. Chanyeol lets go of his hands.

“So why do you still have those rings?” Baekhyun cries. “You left me, but returned to find those tiny pieces of metal that I buried in the snow. I never wanted to see them again, so I got rid of them like you got rid of me, and...” Baekhyun’s voice catches in his throat. “And I...” He bites his bottom lip to hold back his words, afraid to speak, and Chanyeol steps forward to pull him into a hug, silencing him with a press of a kiss to the top of his head.

“I didn’t get rid of you,” Chanyeol whispers, running his hands soothingly through his hair, but Baekhyun is still trembling. There are many invisible ways that Chanyeol has kept Baekhyun around. A number in his phone. An unused chair at their dining table. A photo hidden in his wallet. “I promise, I never threw you away.”

Baekhyun’s voice sounds weak and strained. “You didn’t want me anymore.”

“If anything, I wanted you to be free,” Chanyeol counters. “You must have been so miserable with me. I’m sure that letting you go was a difficult decision.”

“That’s a lie.” Baekhyun slightly pulls himself out of Chanyeol’s arms. “Everything you said to me after a while felt like a lie. ‘I’ll always be with you, Baekhyun.’ ‘I love you no matter what happens, Baekhyun.’ ‘I would love to marry you, Baekhyun.’” Baekhyun smiles a heartbreaking smile. “Lies.”

“They weren’t lies.”

“They must have been. Otherwise you wouldn’t have left me alone in the park that day.”

Chanyeol falls silent, and Baekhyun does too when he realizes he’s said too much. “That’s enough,” Baekhyun mumbles, trying to pull out of his past lover’s embrace, but Chanyeol only holds him tighter.

“No, tell me more.”

“I don't want to.”

Chanyeol’s heart breaks further as he realizes that recurring dream of his that he had been facing over and over again was a reality, and Chanyeol just wants to throw his arms around Baekhyun and cry out his apologies, but he holds himself together for as long as he can manage.

He lets out a loud sigh. “I thought you said it was mutual.”

“It was,” Baekhyun adds with a smile dripping with lies presumed as regret, “I wanted you to be happy, and you wanted me to be happy. At least that’s what you said. In that way, it was mutual. I guess both of us realized that being together was hindering each of our own happiness.”

“But I’m not happy. Not without you.” Chanyeol’s voice lowers. “And quite honestly, you don’t seem all that happy either.”

Baekhyun’s already fake smile looks even more strained and miserable when he closes his eyes. “I’ll be happy if you’re happy.”

“That’s a lie,” Chanyeol whispers, and his breath escapes in a soft puff of white air as he places his hand on the side of Baekhyun’s face. “I don’t know why you lie to me when you know I can tell when you’re lying.”

Baekhyun’s eyes shift away with a melancholy look that he’s never seen on Baekhyun’s face, but he seems to be no stranger to it.

“The only way I’ll be happy is if I’m with you,” Chanyeol says as he draws Baekhyun back into a hug. “So please… let’s start over this time.”

Baekhyun rests his head against Chanyeol’s chest, but his body still feels so tense and uncomfortable. “I’m sorry, Chanyeol, I can’t do that,” Baekhyun mumbles. He takes in a deep breath and lets it out slowly. “I’m leaving,” Baekhyun says as he draws himself out of Chanyeol’s arms. “And I’m not coming back this time.”

“B...Baekhyun?” Chanyeol reaches out to take Baekhyun’s hand into his, but Baekhyun takes a step back, turns, and begins to walk away.

“Baekhyun, wait–” Chanyeol calls, trying to follow, but his legs refuse to work with him.

“You we’re right!” Chanyeol yells instead, “I made promises we knew we couldn’t keep, but I didn’t make them with the intent to break them! I could still see you by my side 10 or 20 years from now, please come back, Baekhyun!”

When Baekhyun doesn’t stop, Chanyeol lets out a distressed wail.

“If it means anything to you,” Chanyeol screams, his voice cracking in the cold air, “you were the only one I remembered when I woke up!”

Baekhyun pauses.

Chanyeol’s heart skips a beat. He fumbles for words, his desperation slurring syllables as he forces them out of his mouth. “Sehun said that I didn’t even know my own name, but I knew yours.” He pauses to give a scared laugh. “I didn’t know anything but your name. I didn’t know Sehun’s face, I couldn’t recognize my own mother, but I noticed you in the midst of dozens of other people across the street, hiding your face under an umbrella.”

He waits until Baekhyun slowly glances over his shoulder at him, his lips relaxed, his eyes tugging down at the corners in despair, and once again, he’s so beautiful that he steals the words from Chanyeol’s lips.

Chanyeol is panting by now, his voice hidden by soft raspy breaths as his lips quiver and he tries to catch his breath, fear caught in his throat with each attempt as he locks eyes with Baekhyun.

“And if it means anything to you, I still wake up every morning with your name in my thoughts. Ah, Baekhyunnie, how is he doing today? Did he eat breakfast? Is he warm? I can’t stop myself from wondering how you are, hoping you’re okay, hoping you’re safe, hoping you’re happy.”

Chanyeol manages to take a single step forward, although his legs are shaking, his arms are shaking, and every part of him is afraid. “I don’t even know where you live anymore, but some days I’m tempted to lose myself attempting to find you. I’d walk along every street looking for you until you’re safe in my arms because I can’t stand staying in that apartment alone where you and I once were when you’re not there anymore. Everything there reminds me of you. The empty space next to me in the bed in the mornings. The empty chair across from me in the afternoons. The empty space on the couch in the evenings. So I’ll walk. Walk until I forget where I’m walking to, walk until I’m lost and alone.”

Baekhyun turns to face him, listening intently.

“And if it means anything to you,” Chanyeol continues, his heart bleeding words he never meant to reveal, wounds he never meant to show, “I have nightmares too. And sometimes I can't tell if they're real. Are they memories that I’ve forgotten or are they just meaningless dreams?” He shakes his head slowly and takes a single step toward Baekhyun. “How could they be memories? How could I say something so horrible to you, and how could I leave you all alone like that in the park, on that bench in the snow?”

Chanyeol takes another step closer. “And although I don't remember who I have been for the past three years, I know I’ve never stopped loving you. There are unsent letters in my drawers addressed to you from 2014. Songs written for you in 2015. Illustrations of you even throughout 2016.” His voice softens. “Three years and I could still draw your face from memory, Byun Baek.”

Baekhyun’s posture changes, his defense beginning to slip as his body relaxes.

“And if it means anything to you, you still mean everything to me,” Chanyeol says as he steps forward until they’re almost close enough to touch if they held out their arms, and he can clearly see the disbelief written on Baekhyun’s face. “I can’t live without you by my side, Byun Baekhyun, and I don't know why I ever once thought I could. I love you so much more than you think.”

“So please,” Chanyeol says softly, “let me love you with no regrets this time.”

Baekhyun folds his lips in, staring at Chanyeol. It takes him a few seconds to let out a sigh and speak. “It’s so hard to believe you when for the past three years, I thought you’ve told me nothing but lies.”

“I don’t know what happened in those years, so I can’t comfort you properly, and I can’t apologize properly, but I can tell you that the way we went wrong was a mistake, and I’m going to make sure that it never happens again.” Chanyeol holds out his hand invitingly. “If you trust me.”

Baekhyun looks down to his hand and then back up to his face. “Is that possible?”

“I can make it a reality,” Chanyeol responds confidently. A soft smile touches his lips as Baekhyun remains there, still considering his choices until Chanyeol interrupts. “This is the part where you run into my arms and hug me, and everything is happiness and rainbows.”

Baekhyun lets a soft laugh slip through his lips as he slowly walks toward Chanyeol and wraps his arms around Chanyeol’s body.

“You’re the worst,” Baekhyun mutters against his chest.

Chanyeol curls his arms around Baekhyun. “I know.”

“You’ve hurt me a lot.”

“I know. It hurt me too. I was selfish, wasn’t I?” Chanyeol continues, “Thinking that if I suffered with you, it would hurt you less. Thinking that if I showed you how much I was suffering too, you’d understand. Hoping you’d stay in love with me after I’d put you through that… I was selfish, wasn’t I?” Chanyeol loosens his hold of Baekhyun. “I’m sorry. You deserved someone better than me.”

“Who the are you to tell me who I deserve?” Baekhyun says angrily, hitting his fist against Chanyeol’s chest, “I wanted you! I wanted you but you wouldn’t let me have you!”

“I’m sorry,” Chanyeol responds, having nothing else to say.

Chanyeol remains as Baekhyun leans back against his chest and mumbles, “It’s killing me that I want this so badly. I thought I was over you.”

Silently, Chanyeol pats Baekhyun’s head softly and runs his fingers through his hair, waiting for Baekhyun to make a decision.

“Are you sure you don’t feel the same way?” Baekhyun asks. “You won’t be afraid to call me your boyfriend anymore?”

Chanyeol shakes his head and smiles at him. “I’m more afraid of losing you.” His expression darkens. “I don’t want to be like the Chanyeol that I was then. He was a fool to let you go, and I don’t want to make the same mistakes.”

“It’s hard to overcome your fears though, isn’t it?”

He entwines his fingers with Baekhyun’s and gives him a silent nod. “But people can think whatever they want to think. As long as you’ll be by my side, we can get through anything. Right?” Chanyeol asks, and although his smile looks weak and uncertain, there’s sincerity in his words that makes Baekhyun believe him.

Chanyeol drops his sight to the floor. “I know that it’ll be hard to fix what I’ve broken, but I want to try. I won’t ask you to forgive me completely, but I want to be yours... and I want to call you mine.” He looks back to the brunette in his arms. “Can we do that?”

A smile touches Baekhyun’s lips as he pushes himself up to the tips of his toes to press a quick kiss Chanyeol’s lips.

When he draws out of their kiss, Baekhyun is still smiling. “Already done.”

Chanyeol smiles back and leans down to take Baekhyun’s lips between his own once again.

“Wait,” Chanyeol gasps, pulling out of his kiss, “What about your boyfriend?”

Baekhyun rolls his eyes. “You know that was an excuse, just kiss me.”

And Chanyeol does.

---------------

Baekhyun closes the trunk to the van. “That’s the last of it,” he sighs, wiping his sweat away from his forehead with the back of his hand.

Chanyeol applauds from behind. “Good job, babe. It was easier than I thought.”

“Because I did all the work?” Baekhyun asks, looking back to their moving van. Memories are stored within: boxes of Chanyeol’s sketchbooks. Baekhyun’s notes. An entire box full of hoodies. Their old grey couch.

“Not true! Sehun helped some!” Chanyeol counters, but the look on Baekhyun’s face is less than amused, so Chanyeol skips over to him and wraps his arms around him, nuzzling his neck. “I’ll make it up to you later, okay?”

Baekhyun scrunches his nose. “You better.”

Chanyeol simply laughs and raises his love’s hands to his lips to kiss the wedding ring on Baekhyun’s finger.

It’s been four years since Chanyeol has lost his memory, but he hasn’t gained any of the three years he’s lost back. Rather, he has gained back his friends from those years and more, and a husband.

Introducing Baekhyun to his parents was difficult, but he did it to prove to Baekhyun that he was serious about this. It’s been four years, and Chanyeol’s father still doesn’t talk to him. His mother was the same in the beginning, but she has become more supportive recently, although becoming close friends with Baekhyun’s mother has perhaps helped significantly.

It’s been four years, and it hasn’t been easy, but now he and Baekhyun are moving out of that two bedroom apartment and into their own home together. It hasn’t been easy, but as Chanyeol sits here, watching the love of his life smile back at him, he doesn’t need anything more to keep him happy.

Baekhyun is a daydream. Delicate, beautiful, lovely. A mix of pastels from the pink of his lips, to the red of his cheeks, the light blonde of his hair, the pale of his skin. Baekhyun is a daydream, but more importantly, as much as Chanyeol is Baekhyun’s, Baekhyun is Chanyeol’s.

********

A/n: Thank you so much for reading, and thank you to everyone who supported this fic during the exchange! <3

[ Also apologies to anyone who may feel as though this is a trivialization of events; my intent was not at all to make this situation less serious than it is. ]