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P•l•e•a•s•u•r•e• P•a•r•a•d•o•x

(The paradox of hedonism)

It refers to the practical difficulties encountered in the pursuit of pleasure. Unfortunately for the hedonist, constant pleasure-seeking may not yield the most actual pleasure or happiness in the long run—or even in the short run, when consciously pursuing pleasure interferes with experiencing it.

Our relationship was the stern winter longing for the bright spring, never actually taking the warmth into consideration that will eventually make it disappear. As long as we could play with fire, as long as we didn’t fade away with the burning ashes, we were alright. We got burnt so many times, I don’t even know how many times but the hours we spent together with talking, gazing at each other or just lying beside one another definitely paid off. I wouldn’t regret anything.

The first awkward conversation was followed by another - a more comfortable one - and another and then Donghyuck didn’t even keep count of it. The more time they spent together, the deeper he had fallen for her.

Dayoung was the epitome of delight; always laughing at his lame jokes, cheering him up with her cute aegyos, drawing cartoon figures on the bottom of her books, dancing randomly whenever a song kept playing in her head and smiling widely at anything and everything that was her source of entertainment. She adored watching as raindrops were racing on the classroom’s window or when the steaming tea painted dancing lines above the cup. She loved the smell of lavender, newly-washed clothes and rainy days. She enjoyed sitting back, listening to jazz music, reading an old book with torn pages and drinking her favourite ginger green tea.

Donghyuck found her habits absolutely adorable and it happened so many times that he found himself staring at her, totally enchanted. He couldn’t get enough of her irresistible lips, dulcet laugh and peachy skin. Every day, she showed up with prettier and prettier handmade braids and joked that she would love to make one with his hair, too. She always tangled her fingers in her dark strands of hair whenever she was pondering for a thought. She bit her lower lip when she was writing a test and didn’t know the answer for the first time.

He knew it, he knew everything. He observed her like she was a whole new world. For him, she was. He had never met a more diligent yet more joyful trainee than her, not like he usually had the chance to meet up with trainees. He only knew the rookie girls at SM and that didn’t involve a lot of females.

On the other hand, he soon discovered that it was only the surface all along and she purposely didn’t let him see her real self. The one that was buried under her laughter, erased with her smiles and covered in silent screams and invisible tears. He had no idea that she wasn’t that bubbly and beaming girl that he observed day by day. Until a chilly morning in April, he was living in a pink bubble, only seeing what was meant to be seen.

Dayoung made sure that he didn’t know about her hardships until she let everything out, her heart scattered on the battlefield, the truth sacrificed for something greater, something more glorious. She let him believe that everything was alright, especially after they slowly took their relationship to a whole new level. The first conversation was followed by the first accidental skinship, the first “You look pretty today”, the first shared coffee and borrowed jumper, the first dance and then vocal practice together and so many other things. The babysteps eventually led to something more.

He didn’t know how it was supposed to happen but he was so proud when they held hands for the first time. For real and not just the usual innocent tiptoeing around each other. It wasn’t like how it used to be - their arms accidentally brushed together – but it was more serious, more reassuring and more mature.

It happened when they were on a class excursion to Suwon. It was the first ever class excursion that he cou