to wonwoo, mingyu is a cold shower during summer days or a warm blanket draped over on rainy days. his smile mimics the rainbow after a gloomy day, and his laughter like songs that narrates a new-coming world.

a photo clutched tightly in his palms; mingyu’s smile blaring brighter than the sun dangled in the soft embrace of clouds, his arms woven around a dazed wonwoo’s shoulder. there are many reasons to why wonwoo is sitting on his kitchen floor, broken pieces of photo frame sprawled across the light grey tiled floor and a bleeding index finger.

the ache in his chest grows, it felt as if his heart was struggling to beat on its own; like someone’s grip was threatening for it to stop. wonwoo thinks that if someone could die from pain, it would be exactly how he feels at the moment.

++

wonwoo clearly adores the other more than what a label defines.

he loves mingyu even when he strides into his apartment, eyes overridden with caffeine past twelve midnight, light driven out of his eyes, his shoulders slightly slumped as he drags himself over the room. wonwoo would be standing by the couch, greeting him with a small smile. paperwork dumped on the kitchen island, mingyu would grouchily walked to wonwoo, head resting on his shoulder and he’d whisper, i missed you, words slurred with the lack of sleep, a soothing smile resting on his tired face.

with mingyu, wonwoo believes that happiness is contagious.

they were attending a gathering among old friends. old friends are almost equivalent to dumb dares and breaking records of sorts. so, it wasn’t surprising when someone brings up the whole cheeseburger incident that wonwoo had. dokyeom held a phone, a timer set for wonwoo to down two cheeseburgers in a minute. wonwoo remembers clearly, seungkwan was the loudest then yelling something like, if you do it we’ll let you kiss mingyu in front of us, like now, and perhaps it was one of the reasons to why he did it.

the cheeseburgers were gone in a minute and twelve seconds. they were all cheering but wonwoo honestly felt a little sick. the taste of cheese and the crumbs of the bread that lingered in his mouth made his gut swirl in discomfort. he takes a few gulps of water, hoping to drown the taste. he could throw up on the scene itself if he wants to. then mingyu half-ran to him, wonwoo never forgets the look on his boyfriend’s face, overjoyed over something so small (even when he was the only one who disagreed with the stupid dare because what if wonwoo gets hurt). mingyu was smiling so brightly that his eyes were in a crinkle. tips of his fingertips brushing against wonwoo’s face burned and wonwoo couldn’t help but let his thoughts drift to how he may have stolen the kids mingyu could have if wonwoo wasn’t so ing in love with him.

the next minute, lips were sealed, cheers were louder and the tears fell from wonwoo’s eyes. until today, he wasn’t sure if he was crying because of the cheeseburgers or because of how lucky he is to have mingyu.

mingyu also gives the best hug.

because wonwoo is always the tall kid in his circle of friends, followed by his nature of awkward demeanour it was always a chore to be hugged. maybe it was because he doesn’t receive hugs well; most of the times he just stood still and laugh while being hugged by someone of smaller size. but with mingyu, it’s different. when surprised hugs were given, if it had been mingyu, wonwoo’s body always knew how to reciprocate. sometimes, their noses would have a soft collision, but mingyu’s arms stayed firm around wonwoo, they would giggle about nothing for a few minutes, swaying from side to side.

wonwoo being a person whose emotions easily carried by the weather, often dreads dark gloomy days. sometimes wonwoo ends up to mingyu’s place during non-office hours, a black hoodie over his head. he would ring mingyu’s doorbell three times, and mingyu would appear by the door, hair dishevelled and a sheepish smile followed by a soft hey as if he wasn’t expecting wonwoo. then, they would spend sometime in the small kitchen table holding hands over the table, and saying things like would you prefer chocolate over vanilla. they would occasionally take sips of the warm milk at the same time and no matter how many times, the hand holding onto wonwoo’s would always give a tight squeeze.

on days where mingyu isn’t as busy, they’d spend hours on the couch with wonwoo laying back on mingyu’s chest and a blanket covering the both into a deep slumber.

on days where mingyu had deadlines, wonwoo would be in mingyu’s bed just solely enjoying the other’s presence.

when wonwoo thinks about it, maybe gloomy days weren’t that bad after all.

they have bad days too.

wonwoo doesn’t know when, but it may have stemmed from that friday evening when they were seated in wonwoo’s kitchen, some chinese takeout and soda water on the table. they had received a phone call from joshua (mingyu’s colleague) that his wife was due for delivery few hours ago, and mingyu could come over to take a look.

mingyu loves babies, absolutely adores and he fawns over them most of them when he sees one.

in a hustle, they were out.

wonwoo recalls the day as clearly as today, how the sparkle in mingyu’s eyes appeared and a soft whisper of i can? when he was offered to hold the new born. mingyu held the small one close, so gently as he swung from side to side and how he walked over to wonwoo, smiling like he scored the largest scope at work then he said wonwoo, look. wonwoo ran a finger across the cheeks of the new born and his eyes would turn over to mingyu. the sight of mingyu in awe was flaringly painful. it convulsed in his chest and he felt his legs quivered, perhaps loving mingyu is a mistake.

days where wonwoo would give short text replies started. he doesn’t ask nor say much. most gloomy days were no longer spent with mingyu instead he would sit by his bedroom harbouring over the weight of this guilt of how he could’ve stolen mingyu’s happy story or how he could never give the one person he loves the most what they want best.

on difficult working days, sometimes he would try to imagine mingyu’s warm smile and his placate whispers, the harmless jokes and his warmth pressed against wonwoo’s body. soon all these memories hurled together, and it started to feel suffocating. he would think i don’t deserve to be remembering these. nights after those, were long and threateningly quiet.

they would still spend time together, because even if wonwoo tries everything to avoid the latter, mingyu makes effort. mingyu would come over to wonwoo’s apartment a box of apple crumble, sometimes it would just be fruits, they would sit together, tried to talk it out. mingyu was always quick to apologize, always thinking he was the one at fault, he would have held wonwoo’s hands in his, gives it a little squeeze as if he was asking for permission to speak. as soon as he says i’m sorry the tears wonwoo kept bottled up every single day would fall.

and mingyu’s would too.

the real problem was never resolved, but mingyu’s grip on wonwoo never falters. he chases and chases after wonwoo’s feelings.

and if wonwoo didn’t love mingyu, he wouldn’t have tried to forgive himself.

but the thing is, he does love mingyu, he loves him so much that he would live his entire life for mingyu. and to love someone this much means to give them what they deserve.

he tries to improve himself, tries to forgive himself. he doesn’t think about his inability, only focusing on mingyu.

he tries to rebuild the memories, the cuddles, the late-night whispers in bed, the i miss you and i love you, the slow walks in parks, the cold days’ warmth. but like a glass with a crack that has been sealed with tape, broken things are meant to sooner or later spill.

there were days when wonwoo would take showers longer than usual, and as his eyes closed, the water running over him would remind him the reality. there were tears in the bathroom that mingyu never knew about.

there were long quiet nights when mingyu would lay fast asleep next to him and wonwoo would draw tender hearts on mingyu’s face following the easy rhythm of his slumber breathing.  he would remember the day when he first met mingyu way back during his senior year in high-school. it was this joke that he made that gave the entire group a jaded expression but a laugh that resounded in the room gave wonwoo assurance and it was none other than the canine-blaring idiot who is taller than the rest sitting four seats away from wonwoo, kim mingyu.

he would remember the day when he tested mingyu’s feelings in university. 

they were technically considered as ‘flings’ by his friends. wonwoo didn’t have many classes with mingyu then, yet somehow, they always had time together, because as far as wonwoo recalls most of the biggest moments in university had mingyu in it. but he was doubtful. who could blame him?

mingyu was stunning in high-school and when he arrived in university, he stood out more. having his hair dyed grey and combed back, mingyu was irresistible. girls would sometimes wait by his locker to catch a glance of him, and during lunch there would always be strangers sitting with him (along with wonwoo). and mingyu would remain unbiased, he doesn’t tell them off, he was kind and sweet to everyone, always offering and taking little. he was the same with wonwoo and the rest.

it was then seungkwan perked in.

wonwoo remembers the hours spent in the library with seungkwan asking things like when are you going to confess or sometimes are you guys going to stay like this forever and with his assignments piling up, wonwoo’s frustration grew altogether. and he soon gave in to seungkwan’s cheeky plans.

giving mingyu the cold shoulder made days difficult to go by, their eyes would meet and wonwoo had to be the one who looked away with no commitment. he had to reject plans made by mingyu and reduce his acknowledgement of the other’s presence.

texts received were left on read, phone calls were left unanswered.

soon, mingyu started to waver as well.

sunday morning, mingyu stood outside of wonwoo’s room, his eyes swayed with heartbreak. wonwoo tried to hold his composure, but as soon as the tears welling up in mingyu’s eyes fell and a broken i don’t understand why came, he gave in.

in that moment, it didn’t matter if mingyu doesn’t return his feelings, he just didn’t want to see him like that ever.

mingyu did return the feelings anyway, in tenfold, a crushing hug and an eager heated kiss.

with wonwoo’s doubts and insecurities, things always go the wrong way. fights were more often and most of them started because wonwoo was petty, he would argue about mingyu’s female colleague being too close or suspicious, fought about the attention that he didn’t receive on busy weekdays.

it was expected for things to fall apart.

++

when they were yelling in the kitchen, the old days of wonwoo being indifferent were brought up.

“i waited for you, every second of my life then, and you can’t do it for me?” mingyu questions, “i just—“

“oh, so it was my fault?” wonwoo would counter, and he knew that it was his fault.

they would yell again, and some things cherished by both was thrown on the floor. the broken glass collided on the floor and it almost seemed to impersonate the sound of wonwoo’s heart. in momentary shocked of the collision, they both remained quiet, the room was deafening with only the sound of the air conditioning and their staggered breathing.

outraged, mingyu shuts his eyes, his hands balled into a fist, “you know what, i’m tired,” he started.

and wonwoo braced himself, for something he had seen coming in years, for something he knew would be coming.

wonwoo was crying then, saw it coming and yet it didn’t hurt any less. he thinks it’s stupid, that they both clearly love each other more than the stars in the night sky and yet they were fighting over things created in his head.

“i don’t want to do this anymore,” mingyu whispered, the sound of voice was so broken that wonwoo had to choke back his sob. mingyu stalked over, grabbed his belongings from the couch in the living room, “live a good life, wonwoo.”

he stops at the door, fumbling with the lock on the door. he remained stunned in his place, could this, really be it? has mingyu finally got tired of him? has mingyu finally given up on him? wonwoo thinks that it may have been a good time to hold onto mingyu, except he doesn’t.

he misses the threatening tears on mingyu’s eyes that had managed to rained on his cheeks.

the door shuts with a loud slam. then wonwoo fell on his knees, his cries grew louder and he struggled with each breath.

++

the sobs die down and the air around him stills. his eyes bore into the glistening photo in his hands. he lets his head hit the wall of the kitchen with a soft thud and closes his head. he could think of many things now but most of them involves mingyu’s stupid face and it kind of hurts. like a lot.

nobody could love him like mingyu and it was the same for him.

for him, it has to be mingyu.

this time, he allows himself to win, cursing at fate or whatever, if god sends him to hell for stealing what mingyu could have then so be it.

he leaves his apartment, wearing his sneakers in a rush and he runs, the crumbled photo never left his hand.

he’d arrived in the familiar place by the familiar door stained with memories.

after countless rings of doorbell, the door opened, and mingyu stood there, eyes lost, and his cheeks stained with tears. wonwoo remembers the same crestfallen face he had seen back in university. mingyu doesn’t say anything he just stood there with his door opened.

and wonwoo opens his mouth, once and twice. but nothing comes. all he did was jabbed the photo on mingyu’s chest.

“don’t give up on me,” he starts sobbing again. “please.”

mingyu must have been the kindest existing person to be holding wonwoo again.

“i hate fighting with the one person who makes me smile most,” mingyu softly mumbles as he buries his face in wonwoo’s dark hair.

and all wonwoo could muster is a louder sob as he tightens his arms around mingyu.

they stumbled across mingyu’s living room into his bedroom, clothes removed in process, and when mingyu pressed his body against wonwoo’s, he had to roll his eyes back because god oh god he missed this.

his hands tangled in mingyu’s soft hair, and he inhales mingyu.

fights were left behind and like that day by wonwoo’s door back in their university days, their feelings collided again.

++

when things quiet down, wonwoo decided it was time to tell on what sort of thoughts buried him while mingyu held him benevolently in his arms as wonwoo sobbed raggedly. he doesn’t say anything for a while just letting wonwoo sobbed disgraceful things to himself. but later that night, mingyu would gently brush the hair covering wonwoo’s forehead, he would smile the way he did on their first meeting, i love you for you, and i want and need you because you’re you.

wonwoo remembers the touch of mingyu’s lips on his forehead. and he wonders if it is possible for him to love this hard. and for someone to love him back as much.