“Hey.” Daehyun nudged Youngjae, taking his attention away from the drama he was watching, and tilted his phone towards him. “That’s his third girlfriend this year.”

Youngjae raised a brow. “You’re keeping count?”

Daehyun shrugged, jolting the mattress they were lying on, “Ex-schoolmate.” As if that gave one enough credit to stalk through another’s posts on social media and pass judgements, not that he was passing any, he was just amazed by how proactive some people are with their love life.

Daehyun hadn’t make it a point to keep a girlfriend count on his old schoolmates but this particular guy had been posting nothing but pictures of him and his girlfriend(s) and he couldn’t help but notice that as months go by, the faces changed. Three times, to be exact.

“Is that even possible?” He wondered. To which Youngjae responded with a questioning hum, only half-paying attention. “To fall for someone so quickly?”

There was a lull in the conversation, and Daehyun thought he wasn’t going to get a reply at all, but then Youngjae spoke up. “Depends,” he said, eyes still on the drama, but one of the earbuds of his earphone had been plucked off.

“On what?”

Youngjae paused, plucked off the other earbud, and stretched his arms over his head, back arching like a cat. He exhaled loudly before settling. “On how much of a loser you are.”

Daehyun frowned, not really catching on.

“If you’re an embarrassing idiot,” he said, putting up one finger deliberately, “Chances are you’ll only fall in love once.” Then another finger, just as deliberate. “Twice, if you’re lucky.” He smirked and motioned his head towards Daehyun’s phone. “Multiple times if you’re gonna end up dying alone.”

On reflex, Daehyun elbowed him in the stomach, not sure why he’s being defensive over a classmate he barely knew, a laugh tumbling out of his lips.

Then Youngjae flapped his hand back and forth, dismissing his answer with a half-assed, “But there’s really no such rule, so go crazy; who cares.”

Daehyun shook his head in disapproval, but Youngjae was already tapping on his phone, drama forgotten; he continued scrolling through his feed and left it at that.

It didn’t really matter anyway, not really.

 

*

 

Daehyun has always kept a neat pile of mental lists of multiple things his restless brain keeps thinking of. One in particular requires frequent refreshing as his brain keeps adding things to the list that it ended up turning into an entire folder, which he had aptly named: Stray thoughts relevant to Yoo Younjae that should not be had, and had it labelled as: not to be revisited.

Stray thoughts relevant to Yoo Youngjae were inevitable, Daehyun liked to reason with himself; there was too much to take note on, and he was always too aware of the other. The hyper-awareness stems from his inability to take his eyes off him, but he’d also like to think it was stemmed from Youngjae’s kindness in lending a friendly hand to him all those years back when he first came to Seoul, and thus stealing a place in his heart that was specially reserved for ONE AND ONLY BEST FRIEND.

Naturally, Daehyun would pay more attention to him. Like how he gets excited over the dumbest things, it’s annoying most of the times, but cute too, so Daehyun would always try to provide the momentum for that high in his mood just to see him bouncing about. Or when he manages to impress Youngjae with a well-executed pun, or an impromptu talent even he’s surprised by it himself, that Youngjae’s face gradually melts from surprised to pleased. Or the way he manages to rope in Youngjae into almost everything and seeing Youngjae enjoying himself.

There was nothing wrong with keeping account of your friend’s smiles and wanting to make said friend happy, and Youngjae’s his best friend.

The point is, stray thoughts were inevitable and he’d just gone and revisited the thoughts that shouldn’t be revisited (he’s relabelling it in bold and caps lock, again, but it’s the effort that counts), and the reason why he’d made such a mistake was because of their prior conversation.

Of course it mattered, because he was dumb enough to ask such a stupid question without expecting himself to spiral into brooding mode and force everything into perspective. That’s never a good thing.

It was like looking at the same painting but from a different angle, although in Daehyun’s case, it’s finally putting a name to the elephant in the room.

He’s always acknowledged it, he’d just never put much thought into it, never really dared to. He’s always so fascinated, and he’s never made it a secret that Youngjae is his favourite, the members know it, even Youngjae himself knows it.

Now that he’s managed to put a name to it, he realised a bit too late that that was exactly the reason why he had labelled these thoughts as: NOT TO BE REVISITED.

See, never a good thing.

Being self-conscious around Youngjae was something he didn’t want to happen, ever, because it would make things weird and he didn’t like things being weird between them, and because he’s an overly attached friend who needs the comfort of the other’s presence at least once a day.

But weird was exactly what happened the moment he stepped out of his room to the scene before him. It was the usual, to be honest; everyone huddled up on the couch to watch a drama together. He would walk up to the couch, forcefully carve a space for himself between Himchan and Youngjae and settle down.

Except, he hesitated. Frozen to the spot when Youngjae looked up from the TV to him. Their eyes locked and Daehyun suddenly forgot how to use his legs.

Youngjae’s expectant eyes morphed into one of question, before they widen, and then Daehyun panicked, eyes bulging out because he must have been obvious about it, something must have shown on his face. He scurried to the other side of the couch, and dove behind Junhong to hide in shame.

At least that was the plan, until Youngjae threw a balled sock at him and made a face, a face that spelled what the ?!! The perfectly raised brows alluded to the two exclamation marks.

He felt dumb and embarrassed, and mostly annoyed because how come Youngjae knew before he did. He’s known the whole time and had the grace to keep quiet about it when Daehyun had the misfortune of experiencing a crisis just a few minutes ago. How was that fair?

Youngjae pointed at him and mouthed idiot, and Daehyun retaliated by throwing the AC remote at him.

It would’ve spiralled into a scuffle, as it always would with them, but they were about to watch a drama and Himchan has the temper of a five year old child, so he broke them off with a whiny, extremely non-threatening reprimand.

“Quit it!”

Because it was Himchan and they were them, both Youngjae and Daehyun started mocking him in high pitched nasally voices, annoying him even more. In the end, they missed half of the episode and were exiled from the living room. They were in the kitchen instead, hands clutching to their sides as they wait for their laughter to die down.

Once it did, Daehyun sighed and stared off into space.

“Don’t overthink, it doesn’t suit you.” Youngjae gave him a condescending pat to the back as he said that.

He glared. “What does, then.”

Youngjae rubbed his chin, pretending to think carefully. Daehyun, however, could already guess what the other would say, and delivered a well-timed punch to his shoulder when he answered cheekily, “Being impulsive.”

“I was just proving your point.” He grinned when Youngjae yelped and glared at him.

In the end, his almost-breakdown was for naught. Things don’t get weird between them unless it’s Youngjae having one of his severe mood swings because then Daehyun would always find himself walking the line between annoying his way to forgiveness he didn’t know he needed to seek, and just being sweet and considerate because he hates being the brunt of those moods and being ignored is no fun.

Nothing did change, at least not in the life-shattering way, but it changed enough in ways that mattered to him; he was now aware of his own feelings and aware that Youngjae was also aware about his feelings, for quite some time apparently.

Thus, by Daehyun-logic it meant that he had nothing to worry about, which consequently meant that he should smother the other with more of, well, him. Thinking about all those wasted times being oblivious and probably painfully obvious gave him a queasy feeling that mostly resembled embarrassment, and he was determined to amend that.

And yes, that plan would backfire sometimes, but even when he’s being moderate with his affections Youngjae tends to ignore him, so it’s nothing new to him.

 

*

 

But sometimes things get a bit too much, and when they do, Daehyun either overthinks or he lashes out. He prefers neither but lashing out is always a lot easier, mainly because he has an outlet for his negative thoughts, at the expense of s of course, but they’re used to it; overthinking would only lead him into a spiral of negative thoughts, and it’s exhausting.

Things got a bit too much for him, and by things, it was mainly this precarious situation he found himself in a few months ago on where he stood with Youngjae.

It was nothing when he was blissfully unaware, and it was still nothing when he was finally aware of it, then it got a bit stifling when he pretended like it didn’t matter, until it got a bit too much when he finally admitted that he was definitely not okay with the way things were going: nowhere.

He’s made no progress of his current situation and Youngjae has made no indications that he wanted to acknowledge, much less move things forward. Unless, of course, that was the other’s intention in the first place, which is not fine, but Daehyun was willing to compromise.

At this point he would be fine with anything, as long as they just talk about it, because he’s not one to brew in his thoughts and keep it bottled for long. All he needed to know was if things were really okay between them, if Youngjae was fine with him being the way he was or if he was just pretending when in fact he’s disgusted.

That’s a horrifying thought, but a possibility, nonetheless. He might claim to know Youngjae the best, but that might also just him being full of himself.

He was caught red-handed with that thought in mind when Youngjae knocked on his door, face creased with worry. “You okay?”

“Why?” He asked warily.

Youngjae shrugged, but he didn’t look like he’d budge from that door until he got a convincing answer. “You’ve been cooped up in your room the whole day.”

Overthinking also meant inadvertently isolating himself from the others, which was bizarre because it’s him.

He sighed.

“Do you…” he started, running his hand through his hair nervously, before continuing, “Do you think I’m disgusting?” His voice trailed off into a squeak right at the end but it’s the effort that mattered, and he managed to get that off his chest before he chickened out.

“Of course not.” Youngjae sounded scandalised, and Daehyun felt guilty for thinking it was possible, but relief won over when Youngjae strode in and sat next to him, hand on his knee. “Hey, I don’t think that, okay,” he said again, softly this time, squeezing his knee like a desperate plea for him to understand.

He nodded. Youngjae is more of the action speaks louder kind of guy, and Daehyun understood clearly what he was trying to say.

Sighing loudly, Youngjae settled in, crossing his arms over his tummy as he stared at the ceiling. “So what have you been thinking for the past,” he mimicked looking at his absent wristwatch, “seven hours?”

Daehyun laughed. “That long?”

“I don’t think the place has been this quiet.” There was a smile on Youngjae’s face.

He rolled his eyes and let silence wash over them, mulling over whether or not he should talk about it. Were they really having this talk right now? This would normally be the point where things get a bit too intimate for Youngjae’s liking and he’d freak out and run away, and Daehyun would take reprieve in that because he, too, is scared less, and they’d go back to how things were, pretending like nothing’s amiss; but Youngjae’s still there, absentmindedly drumming his fingers on his tummy.

Swallowing his nerve, Daehyun crossed his arms behind his head, trying for casual. “Remember when I asked you how many times can a person fall in love?” There was a pause on the drumming fingers, just a beat, before it continues, so he pushed on, eyes fixed on the ceiling. “You said if a person falls in love multiple times they’ll end up alone.”

“What if,” he stopped to breathe in, because he was really going to say it, “What if that person falls in love with the same person instead, but over and over again?” He braved himself to look over at Youngjae, who’s stopped drumming his fingers completely, now watching him. “Multiple times,” he finished lamely.

Eye contact has never been an issue but Daehyun’s finding it extremely hard to keep his eyes on the other when he’s feeling extremely vulnerable. Thankfully, Youngjae was the first to break it as he turned back to look at the ceiling, humming in thought.

“It depends.”

“On?” He urged, watching Youngjae looking at nothing.

“Well,” Youngjae said, “If it’s one-sided then you’re a sad person who’s definitely gonna die alone.”

Not much comfort in that answer. At all.

“But if it’s mutual,” he added, “then you’ve got nothing to worry about.”

Still not much comfort in that answer either.

Part of why Daehyun believes things have not progressed much is because of the huge possibility that this might all be just him, and Youngjae has just been tolerating him as usual. Because as much faith as he could put in their friendship, he wasn’t really sure he could say the same when it came to anything beyond that.

Youngjae tapped at his elbow, pulling his attention to him. There’s a soft smile there, and Daehyun couldn’t help but return it, feeling it widen when the other said, just as softly, “You’ve got nothing to worry about.”

And then Youngjae finally hit his limit and ran away, Daehyun laughing loudly.

 

*

 

They have the actual talk later, when Daehyun accidentally caught Youngjae in a bad mood, as his luck would have it.

His instincts were already blaring alarm bells in his head the moment he saw Youngjae sitting alone in the dressing room, face clouded with ominous gloom, but Daehyun has zero sense of self-preservation and plopped down right next to him, leaning heavily against him with an overbearingly loud sigh just to get his attention.

He got a shove for his troubles. Undeterred, he cupped Youngjae’s chin and mimed, “Why the long face?” because he thought he was being funny.

Now, there have been times when he’d pushed too far, but usually it would only result in a very annoyed Youngjae screaming verbal abuses at him, but this was the first time he received any physical reaction, so he was appropriately stunned when Youngjae, quite brutally, slapped his hand away and stomped to the other side of the room.

An annoyed Youngjae also meant complete cold shoulder, in which he doesn’t spare Daehyun even a glance, but this Youngjae was glaring daggers at him, with actual murderous intent.

Daehyun racked his brain for whatever he did wrong, but came up blank. Youngjae’s known for his abrupt mood swings, it ends as abruptly as it starts, and nobody knows why it happens, but every time he has them, Daehyun always seems to be the victim, because he doesn’t know when to leave the guy alone.

Yes, he needed to work on that, but he only pesters because he hates it when Youngjae’s like this, he didn’t think it’d warrant a ing slap. And yes, he’s pissed, but he’s more shocked and confused. He was also terribly desperate to get to the bottom of this.

“What’s wrong?”

Youngjae blinked rapidly, caught off guard, before he averted his gaze. He bit his lip, a nervous tic, paused for a moment before he exhaled loudly.

Daehyun eyed the way he massaged his frown away, not talking, still, so he tried again, gently. “Tell me.”

That’s when Youngjae really looked at him, and Daehyun’s breath hitched at what he saw; he looked completely bare, vulnerable. “So what if I tell you?” There was that tell-tale crack in Youngjae’s voice.

Daehyun shot up from his perch and rushed to Youngjae’s side, pulling him in a sideway’s hug when he didn’t recoil from his touch. He ran a soothing hand up and down the other’s arm, trying to calm him down when he kept going, voice dangerously close to a whisper, “If we talk about it, what’ll happen next?”

Youngjae cleared his throat. “If we do this,” he motioned a hand between them, “then what? Do we tell anyone about it?” He choked, and he’s really crying now. “Will they be okay with this?” He looked at him, eyes pleading. “How long is it gonna last, Daehyun? Are we still gonna be okay even after that?”

Youngjae was freaking out, and he should be. It’s life-changing, liking a boy, enough that it tilted Daehyun’s axis that slightest bit off its course and had him freaking out; all valid reasons that had Daehyun hole himself up in his room for hours, scared out of his wits; until Youngjae threw that sock over his head and came knocking on his bedroom door, of course. It’s bound to warrant some changes in their life whether they like it or not. The only difference between the two of them was that Youngjae had known even before Daehyun could even make sense of things, which meant he had plenty more time to let these thoughts fester, and no one to talk to.

He gathered Youngjae up, now a snivelling mess, held him tighter and waited for him to calm down. When he dwindled into little hiccups, Daehyun spoke softly. “I thought about that too… how it’s all going to be so new and scary.” He could tell Youngjae was listening carefully by the way his hiccups had quieted down to heavy breathing. “But to be honest, I was focusing more about us together.” He interrupted himself with a soft laugh at the way Youngjae stiffen and gave him a look. “Disgusting, I know, but it’s the truth.”

“If we do this,” Daehyun cleared his throat, suddenly embarrassed now that he had Youngjae’s attention, “At least we’ll be together…” He sounded unsure even to his own ears. He tried not to cringe at his pathetic attempt at reassurance. He couldn’t make promises he wasn’t sure he could keep under the possible circumstances they might find themselves in the future, but he couldn’t also negate that being together was the only thing he wanted out of this whole mess, so in the end that was his only valid point.

Youngjae burst out into a surprised laughter, it was just wheezing to be honest, but it was, in Daehyun’s humble opinion, a job well done.

“So you really can’t bull your way out of everything, huh.” Youngjae was shaking his head, shoulders still shaking from amusement. “That was really terrible.”

His eyes were red and puffy, but he was smiling at least.

“You laughed,” he pointed out, poking at the corner of his lips that was still tilted in a half smile, half grimace. “Sort of.”

Sighing, Youngjae sat up straight; Daehyun’s hand fell limply next to him on the sofa. “But you’re right I guess.” He conceded with a twitch to his jaw, “What matters is, well… us.”

It was Daehyun’s turn to laugh, less elegant than Youngjae’s asthmatic wheezing, an honest to god snort, to be frank, but who cares when Youngjae’s failing spectacularly at verbalising his feelings. “You at this even worse than I do.”

“Aww,” Youngjae pouted. “I thought that’d earn me a ‘You’re cute for trying’,” he said, completely straight faced and Daehyun was again stunned because he could count with one hand how many times Youngjae had willingly come close to flirting with him and this was definitely one of them, and he was entirely unprepared for that comeback.

A smartass, Daehyun admitted begrudgingly. He quietly retracted his arm from around Youngjae’s shoulder, feeling the impending embarrassing flush crawl up his neck to take over his entire face. Of course, that was when Youngjae managed to make things even more embarrassing when he turned beet red in the face, and Daehyun has never felt his face melt this quickly as he sprang away from the other to curl into a ball on the other end of the seat, wailing in shame. “Why’d you get embarrassed?!!”

Youngjae kicked him. “Shut up!”

That was how the others found them, antagonizing each other with verbal abuse, as usual.

 

*

 

Things didn’t miraculously get better, but it went fairly easy with the members, mainly because Jongup detected the change instantly, with his sharp blind hawk-eye.

It was nothing unusual; they were in the living room watching a drama, when Jongup decided half way through to join them. His eyes instantly narrowed in on their bodies leaning against each other, which was still nothing unusual, but whatever he saw, he saw right through them and casually remarked, “So you guys are finally together.”

There was no tilt at the end of his speech to indicate a question mark. It was an observation, plain and simple.

And since they promised not to deny it if any of the members asked, they had both answered with a bewildered, “Yes?” and then catching onto what Jongup said, “Wait. What do you mean, finally?”

Jongup shrugged and decided he didn’t need to watch with them and went straight back to his room, passing by Junhong who was in the middle of taking his shoes off at the front door and a Himchan fresh out of shower with a deadpan, “Time to celebrate.”

The only reprieve from this entire anticlimactic reveal was how offended Youngjae was with everyone’s indifference.

And Junhong getting smacked over the head when he offered to buy chicken wings and pizza for them to “celebrate.”

 

*