Chanyeol always comes and goes whenever he likes.

Sometimes, he leaves when Baekhyun is awake in the morning, who’s always looking forward to sloppy kisses and morning breaths. Baekhyun always wakes up to empty, cold sheets next to him. Always.

Sometimes, Chanyeol leaves when the moon is bright and the stars have blanketed the night sky—when Baekhyun is hoping for late night conversations because they can talk about orbits or the deep lake by the forest they always went to.

But as time passes, Baekhyun decides to stop worrying too much about it.

He has stopped counting how many times Chanyeol keeps leaving him. Questions like: Have you taken your meal? Where have you been? or I thought you were gone forever feeling all long forgotten, because he doesn’t want to be a bother.

He should hate Chanyeol for doing this to him, but he doesn’t. It’s weird how love can play with his heart like that.

The reason behind it is because every time Chanyeol is by his side, Baekhyun is home. Chanyeol always smells like home - a safe haven. He’s weak when it comes to Chanyeol, and he hates the fact that he is. No matter how much Baekhyun loathes Chanyeol for leaving the house anytime he wants, he always gives in because before he knows it, he always finds his way back in the tall man’s embrace, finds himself worrying about Chanyeol again—lips whispering pleas and words like Don’t leave me again and Don’t do this to me and Chanyeol will always reply with I’m here, Baek or I’m not going anywhere.

But again, Chanyeol never knew how to keep his promises. He rarely keeps them.

That morning, Chanyeol isn’t home again. It’s the nth time he’s left the house unnoticed; he sneaked out when Baekhyun was in deep slumber last night. But Baekhyun doesn’t mind. He stops waiting for his boyfriend to come back—always goes straight to bed, curling up and tangling himself in between the blankets like a child.

Forgotten—that’s what Baekhyun is.

And when Chanyeol comes home one night, with his body reeking of alcohol, he tiptoes his way into the bedroom and snuggles against Baekhyun while the latter is fast asleep, and Chanyeol will whisper sweet nothings like Did you miss me? I’m sorry I’m like this or Promise me you won’t hate me.

But Baekhyun never gets to listen to any of his words, because Chanyeol does this when the smaller male doesn’t notice them at all. He only does this when there’s only moonlight and stars witnessing his confessions.

When Baekhyun wakes up the next morning, looking forward to sloppy kisses and morning breaths as usual, Chanyeol is not there once again.

This happens too often, more than Baekhyun can even imagine. He should be used to this now, right?

 

❁❁❁

“Do you really have to hurt yourself like this?”

Jongin asks one day, and Baekhyun lifts his head up. They are sitting by the balcony, singing with the birds and humming to random songs. The wooden floor coated with white paint beneath Baekhyun’s feet is warm, but it’s warmer when Chanyeol’s with him.

Baekhyun made coffee for both of them, but he forgets Jongin can’t drink coffee. It’s actually Chanyeol’sfavorite drink. Not Jongin’s.

He has never felt this lonely ever since he met Chanyeol because this time, it’s the longest time the man has gone missing. A week is considered long, isn’t it?

“Why haven’t you contacted him?” Jongin asks again after his first question is ignored, taking a sip of the tea he made for himself. He’s grown accustomed to walking around the house and making himself at home because he’s been here countless of times. He’s been here whenever Baekhyun needs someone—a shoulder to cry on. Someone who’s willing to listen to all his problems.

There’s no answer from Baekhyun. He doesn’t even know the answer to his friend’s question. What’s there to talk about anyway? He almost shakes his head, but decides to answer with a, “I don’t want to bother him.”

Jongin sighs heavily. He always does this when he is on the urge of putting a stop to their conversation. It’s something that Baekhyun has come to notice after several years of being friends with Jongin.

Baekhyun can be stubborn sometimes, and he is aware of that. He’s still amazed at the fact that Jongin still manages to put up with him after what he has been through all these whiles.

“Is he still someone important in your life, Baekhyun?”

This time, Baekhyun looks up at Jongin. He silently hopes for a definite answer from his friend too, because he doesn’t know what to reply with. Upon seeing the look on Jongin’s face, he lets out a sigh.

“He is. I really love him. But... I can’t do anything about this, can I?” The tone of his voice is low, as if it’s going to be lost in the silence engulfing them. He wants the world to swallow him alive so he can be gone, so he doesn’t have to experience the same pain all over again. He has no idea of what’s going on anymore. He doesn’t even know if he’s in love with the same Park Chanyeol.

All he wants is assurance, that nothing’s going to break them apart and nothing can take Chanyeol away from him.

“Talk to him. Tell him you don’t want him to leave. Tell him you want him to stay.”

So Baekhyun waits for Chanyeol again that night. He waits for minutes, until minutes turn to hours, until the stars go home, but Chanyeol doesn’t return back. Baekhyun ends up sleeping on the couch, and the next morning he opens his eyes, he finds himself in someone’s arms, someone he has been waiting for so, solong.

“Hello, my angel.”

There. Chanyeol is smiling, and it’s the same smile Baekhyun has been missing, the kind of smile that makes him think of cherry blossoms and blue oceans. It calms him down, and he loves it. So he pulls Chanyeol close to him—Chanyeol smells like morning daisies this time—arms wrapping around the tall guy’s figure tightly, afraid of letting him go. He’s scared that he will lose Chanyeol again, and he believes he’s not prepared for another heartbreak.

“Please, don’t go anywhere. I need you,” he sobs against Chanyeol’s chest and the latter hugs him tighter, a smile left unnoticed by the other. He sounds desperate; he always does.

“I’m here. Shh, Baek. Why are you crying? Jeez, you’re making me worry,” Chanyeol chuckles and he tickles Baekhyun slightly, making him laugh. Oh how Baekhyun misses these moments where only Chanyeol and him exist in their world. No barriers, no lines between them.

Sunlight breathes warmth through waving curtains, making its way into their shared bedroom. When Baekhyun looks up, he can finally see Chanyeol’s face clearly, so beautiful and ethereal, like the first time they met each other.

He proceeds to touch his boyfriend’s face, his fingers are cold against Chanyeol’s cheek, but the latter doesn’t mind that. Chanyeol lets Baekhyun trace his fingers from his shoulders to his face, lets Baekhyun count the moles on his chest as the smaller male s his white shirt, and lets him explore the invisible maps on his back.

“Promise me you will not go anywhere,” Baekhyun says, a whisper.

Chanyeol holds Baekhyun’s hands and brings them closer to his chest to the point Baekhyun can count his boyfriend’s heartbeats. “I promise,” he hears Chanyeol say, but he’s not sure if Chanyeol means it this time around, or if it’s going to be another broken promise.

It turns out he stays true to his word.

He stays for lunch; they cook Chanyeol’s favorite food together in the kitchen. Chanyeol loves samgyetang, and Baekhyun took note of that when the male told him about this before. Baekhyun is not a great cook, but the other male always has a way to make sure his boyfriend is great at everything, and that is enough to light up Baekhyun’s day.

At times, Chanyeol makes sure he steals a kiss from Baekhyun as the latter waits for the water to boil, leaving Baekhyun completely taken aback by the sudden action. This only happens once in awhile, and Baekhyun makes sure to treasure every single moment of them together.

He takes his time when he kisses Chanyeol back, savoring each and every moment before he pulls back, breathlessly, his heart screaming for more.

“I miss you so much,” he says in between kisses as he pulls Chanyeol into another long kiss, hands wandering up Chanyeol’s arms and everywhere. Chanyeol doesn’t hesitate to respond back to the kiss, this time, more certain. Soft lips and ragged breaths, those describe the both of them. They smile when their teeth clash, words like I love you and Kiss me more are whispered several times, desperately. They both know what they’ve been yearning for. They both know what they want.

When the moon and the stars take place and decorate the dark sky, Chanyeol is still there.

Baekhyun doesn’t let go of his boyfriend’s hands, making sure he stays by his side most of the time. They leave the kitchen uncleaned, making a promise that they will clean it up the next day. They make their way to the balcony slowly, hand-in-hand. It’s the only place where they can talk about unwritten songs, lonely seas, Chanyeol or Baekhyun, Baekhyun or Chanyeol and everything.

Baekhyun never asks where Chanyeol has always gone to. He believes Chanyeol has his own reasons for doing so. So they talk about something else. Baekhyun tells his boyfriend that Jongin and Kyungsoo are getting married and they should go as their main guests. Chanyeol listens to everything Baekhyun say, sometimes he smiles in between, sometimes he flutters his eyes closed to hear Baekhyun’s voice, only his voice.

Baekhyun pretends not to notice the black lines marring Chanyeol’s eyes. He assumes Chanyeol is tired. He probably didn’t get enough rest for today, Baekhyun thinks.

But Baekhyun’s hope is crushed the next morning, like what he had already expected. The house is empty, and the cold that surrounds him is torture when Chanyeol is not around. It doesn’t feel like home anymore.

Chanyeol never says goodbye every time he leaves. He never lets Baekhyun know every time he’s gone. He just—poofs and then he’s disappeared. Baekhyun, once again, is left alone to count his own heartbeat. The empty bed and waving curtains and white walls become the witnesses when tears finally stream down his cheeks.
 

❁❁❁

“Where are you going, Yeol?”

It’s almost midnight when he sees Chanyeol make his way out of the room. Chanyeol stops walking, and he turns around. A smile makes its way onto Chanyeol’s face when he catches Baekhyun’s stare.

“Baek? I thought you were asleep.” Chanyeol’s deep voice resonates across the room. He puts away his jacket on the table and strides towards the bed where Baekhyun is perched on.

“I wasn’t. I can’t sleep because I’m worried.” There’s no warmth in Baekhyun’s voice. Cold, unfriendly. He sounds oddly tired, and Chanyeol supposes maybe his boyfriend hasn’t been getting enough rest lately.

When Chanyeol reaches the bed, he sits down next to Baekhyun and pulls the male close. “Why?”

Fingers play with Baekhyun’s soft black hair, he waits until his boyfriend finally gives him an answer. One second, two seconds, three...

“I’m afraid of you leaving me again.” Baekhyun’s voice is raspy. The room is dark, the only illumination is the moonlight which makes its way through the gaps of the opened windows, but Chanyeol knows Baekhyun is crying.

Chanyeol stays there, unmoving. He watches and watches, until Baekhyun speaks again. “Why can’t we be like Jongin and Kyungsoo? Why can’t we be like them?”

There’s silence before the room is filled with Chanyeol’s voice again. “Why do we have to be like them?”

You’re too much, Chanyeol, is what Baekhyun wants to say. He wants to scream and let Chanyeol know he’s disappointed, mad even. But Baekhyun, being Baekhyun, he knows Chanyeol will be hurt if he chooses to do that. So he settles with, “Tell me how I can help you, Yeol. Tell me how. We can fix this together.”

Baekhyun swallows the lump in his throat heavily. There, he finally said it. He expects something similar to a mean slur of  off or Mind your own business, but surprisingly, he finds Chanyeol’s mouth twitch a little.

“What’s there to fix, angel? There’s nothing. I’m all fine,” Chanyeol says and pecks Baekhyun’s lips right after. Baekhyun is fast enough to pull away from the kiss when he notices something. Scowling, his hand swiftly reaches inside the pocket of Chanyeol’s jeans and finds a packet of cigarettes. The latter gives up on stopping Baekhyun.

There, the world beneath Baekhyun’s feet is suddenly cracking, and he is honestly afraid of everything right now because Chanyeol is different. He’s not someone he knew four years before. Obviously not the same person who always told lame jokes in an attempt to seek for forgiveness from Baekhyun every time he did something wrong.

This is not the same Chanyeol he knew years before.

The tiredness on Chanyeol’s face explains everything. He doesn’t smell nice anymore, jackets always thrown carelessly in the laundry basket, and if Baekhyun didn’t know any better, he wouldn’t have noticed the faint and foreign smell of alcohol and perfumes from days before on Chanyeol’s old jackets.

Baekhyun honestly feels out of place, as if he doesn’t belong with Chanyeol anymore. Does he even deserve to call Chanyeol his boyfriend? Why does he still keep holding on to a tiny piece of hope? A wish for Chanyeol to make things right once again.

“W-What is this?” His voice wavers and Baekhyun holds the cigarettes packet up in the air. , there’s wetness behind his eyes again.

Chanyeol doesn’t say anything, eyes blinking rapidly. It takes him several minutes before he stands and leaves the room without a word. Baekhyun should have expected this to happen too, right?

 

❁❁❁

“When did he start smoking?” Jongin asks as Baekhyun hands him a glass of water. The shorter male takes a seat in one of the old couches in his house, before shaking his head.

“I don’t know,” he answers, voice sounding tired. He’s almost giving up on Chanyeol, but Jongin keeps reminding him that Chanyeol is worth fighting for, and he can still be saved.

“Have you guys talked about this matter, though?”

Baekhyun only shakes his head.

“You will never find a way to solve this if you guys don’t sit down together and discuss. He needs someone. Someone he can trust. And that person is you,” Jongin adds.

Baekhyun looks confused with the overall situation. He thinks so hard his head is spinning around for he’s clueless, not knowing what to do.

Chanyeol is slowly drifting away from him as days pass by; Baekhyun can sense it. They no longer sit by the balcony every time Chanyeol is home, no longer take their time to cook together or make Chanyeol’s favorite coffee. The bed is emptier and colder than usual. The house is wider and the loneliness is real. It can be felt now.

It .

“Talk to him. Let him know you’ll be there for him.”

“Why should I do that, though? He should already know he can tell me everything about his problems. Why does he keep secrets from me? And the cigarettes—” Baekhyun’s breath hitches. “—for goodness’ sake, Jongin. He never touched them before. Why is he like this now? Why can’t he tell me if he has a problem or anything? I’m his boyfriend. He should know he can trust me with anything. But why do I feel like a complete stranger when he’s around me?”

Jongin takes a moment to respond back, and his reply hits Baekhyun right in his guts. “Maybe you’re the reason why this is happening. Maybe it’s because you’re someone whom he trusts the most. But now that he doesn’t have anyone to turn to, maybe he keeps everything to himself.”

Baekhyun goes silent, and he breaks down.
 

❁❁❁

Baekhyun’s eyes flutter open to the sound of someone knocking on the door. Maybe Chanyeol’s back, he whispers to himself before making his way to the front door. His heart leaps in joy at the thought of welcoming Chanyeol, hugging his tall boyfriend to his heart’s content, but his steps are stopped when he hears an unfamiliar voice along with Chanyeol’s outside of the house. What…

Curiosity hits and he rushedly opens the door, only to be attacked at the sight of Chanyeol kissing a woman’s lips harshly, his favorite blue jacket discarded on the floor. Chanyeol has the woman trapped in between his arms, and he giggles. He ing smiles when he takes the woman’s lips.

Baekhyun stops breathing for a while, heart beating too fast it hurts him. He’s never felt this way.

He rushes forward and pushes Chanyeol away, making the tall man trip up on his own legs. Rage fills inside Baekhyun and he slaps the woman right across her cheek. Satisfaction climbs up inside him when he looks at the surprised expression on the woman’s face—who immediately runs and leaves the house, crying. There’s a second wave of satisfaction latching onto his heart when the warmth seeps across his red palm, resulting from slapping her too hard.

“Get away from here,” Baekhyun says tiredly at the drunken man when there’s only two of them left. Chanyeol is kneeling on the floor, He doesn’t even spare Chanyeol a look for he is disgusted with the man. The night is calm, but there’s a storm inside Baekhyun’s heart.

Baekhyun’s too exhausted to even fathom the situation. Maybe it would be better if Chanyeol leaves and never returns. But when he shifts his gaze onto Chanyeol, he wants to scream.  this. What the is Chanyeol smiling at?

Tears are welling behind his eyes, and he knows it’s too late to notice his cheeks are suddenly wet.

“Baekhyunnie... My angel.”

Chanyeol grins like a child, teeth showing. He still smells of strong alcohol and stale cigarettes, and despite Baekhyun hating the smell, the urge to hug Chanyeol is strong. He wants to tell the man he’s sorry for yelling at Chanyeol. The drunken man won’t remember this the next morning, but Baekhyun will.

Sorrow creeps in his heart, and there’s a whisper from him. “ you, Chanyeol. I ing hate you.”

He cries, and cries even more when he sees the smile on Chanyeol’s face. The man is too drunk to even think properly. He probably doesn’t notice Baekhyun finally breaking down.

Everything seems to fall apart, but when he looks at Chanyeol, it’s clear there’s still a tiny hope he can still hold on to.
 

❁❁❁

They sit together in the couch, with Baekhyun draping his legs over Chanyeol’s and Chanyeol’s over his, taking their moment to steal kisses from each other. It’s funny how everything can be forgotten in one night, how a simple “sorry” can change the damaged situation. Baekhyun knows he shouldn’t have forgiven Chanyeol for what had happened last night, but he can’t forgive himself if he ended up making Chanyeol leave him once more.

He’s tired of mending his broken heart everytime he’s left alone.

So when Chanyeol traces his fingers against Baekhyun’s chin, the smaller male suddenly says, “Wanna go out?”

“Where?”

“Should we buy new paints for this house? The color appears duller than before. And I don’t like white anymore,” Baekhyun complains to grab his boyfriend’s attention who’s already chuckling at the cuteness.

“I didn’t know you have a new favorite color now,” Chanyeol replies, the corners of his lips turning downwards, partly upset.

You weren’t here when things were slowly changing, Baekhyun wants to answer with that. But upon seeing Chanyeol’s face, he shakes away his thoughts.

“I changed my favorite color,” Baekhyun lies. “It’s red now.”

Disappointment dawns on him when Chanyeol decides not to ask any further questions. The man stands and pecks Baekhyun’s lips once again.

“Stop sulking, Baek. Let’s go.”

“Promise me we’ll paint our house tomorrow?”

“Okay.”

Maybe it’s just Baekhyun, but this doesn’t feel right. But Baekhyun concludes this is okay for now. He pretends not to see a packet of cigarettes inside Chanyeol’s pocket when his shirt had lifted up slightly. Baekhyun’s heart is aching once again.
 

❁❁❁

It’s the day after that everything completely changes.

The new paints that they bought are left untouched by the wall inside the storage. No one seems to remember what they did yesterday. No one seems to remember their promise.

Baekhyun doesn’t know what went wrong, but he’s beyond surprised to see Chanyeol smoke inside the house—he doesn’t hide it from Baekhyun anymore.

This goes on for almost a week now. Sometimes he does it in front of Baekhyun, other times he spends most of his time in the balcony alone to smoke. The smell of cigarettes angers Baekhyun—and there is a peculiar ache in his heart too—but he lets Chanyeol do things he wants. They rarely talk now, and it frustrates Baekhyun.

Although Chanyeol no longer smells like morning daisies, at least he stays. That’s what matters the most to Baekhyun now.

At least Chanyeol’s here with him, even though the tall man looks so ed up, wearing messy clothes and skipping meals too often.

The food in the kitchen is left untouched every time Baekhyun cooks for both of them. Baekhyun has come to realization that maybe this is all his fault too, but he doesn’t know how he can make things better.

So he confronts the male. If things become worse, then it. He has to tell Chanyeol what he feels.

“I just want you to be okay, Yeol,” Baekhyun says one night, eyes tired.

Chanyeol was smoking when Baekhyun approached the male, and he threw the cigarette on the grass right after.

He looks as if he knows this is coming and he retorts, “But there’s nothing to worry about. It’s bull if you’re still mad at me for smoking.” It's absurd how his voice can still sound so calm when he's messed up with Baekhyun's feelings more than once.

Baekhyun’s body trembles as he hears the reply.

“That’s the problem. You’ve changed, Yeol. We both know that. I don’t care if you want to smoke, hell, do whatever you want. But you wouldn’t be like this if you didn’t have any problems that keep bothering you. Why can’t you just tell me what’s going on with you?”

Chanyeol’s expression remains calm. The air is heavy around them, or is it just Baekhyun who senses it?

“You think too much, Baek.”

“That’s all you have to say? Chanyeol, do you even realize what you just said? You are the one who thinks too much, it’s not me, Yeol.”

The smaller male’s voice quivers, and he’s close to crying again.  this.

Chanyeol’s lips are dry, and he keeps biting them. His eyes are heavy as he lands his gaze on Baekhyun’s teary eyes. He shouldn’t have said that in the first place. How stupid can he be? Baekhyun is his everything. And how can he hurt someone that means the world to him?

So he steps forward, wanting to touch his boyfriend and kiss the male until they’re out of breaths—but Baekhyun shakes him off, completely hurt.

Chanyeol brings his head down—and is he crying? 

“I’m...I'm sorry I’m like this, Baek. Please. Please stay with me until I’m okay.”

There, those sentences somehow bring Baekhyun's hopes up, soaring high. Baekhyun can only laugh at his stupidity because of his love for Chanyeol when he slowly nods at everything the man says. He knows things are going to be alright, although it might take time. Only time can tell.

Baekhyun finds his home again when Chanyeol pulls him into an embrace, unwilling to let go as he whispers words of love and promises that Baekhyun thinks Chanyeol really means this time.

Strangely enough, Chanyeol smells like morning daisies again.

Author's Notes: *long story short chanyeol thinks too much and he becomes depressed because he doesn’t think he deserves baekhyun who really believes in him and their love so that’s why he’s changed orz i hope this makes sense ._.