Breaking rule no.3

Day 12 - 21th February

Today we’re playing get to know each other again. The topic is what would you do now if you weren’t a figure skater? Jimin says he’d probably be a PE teacher but I honestly don’t know. I’ve never considered seriously the possibility of another lifestyle. But I had my phrase as a little girl when I wanted to be a ballet dancer. I didn’t last long though. Skating has been my number one priority all my life but I still have dance classes regularly as part of my off-ice training.

“Girls my age have the time of their life at university. They get to know people and have fun without consequences. I know I should be satisfied with my life because this is all I ever wanted.”

The night sky is suddenly laced with my whispers, the snowy white patches of my breathing.

“I’m not complaining but I can’t help but miss things that I can’t have. Eating without a diet, sleeping in on weekends, friends, a boyfriend… No boy has ever held my hand for god’s sake!”

After my sudden confession I look down at my fingers in my lap. They’re white and dry, freezing in the cold. I can’t help but shiver when something warmer touches the back of my hand momentary and it turns out to be Jimin fingertip that gently rubs circles on my skin.

“What are you doing?” I gape at him, blinking in surprise.

“Holding your hand?” He doesn’t sound too confident but his delicate fingers sneak between mine, intertwining them. His fingers aren’t too long or too harsh, his hand is almost the same size as mine and they fit like puzzle pieces. It feels like home and I don’t have the heart to tell him that I don’t need his pity

“Is it okay? Me being the first boy who holds your hand?” Jimin asks in a wishful whisper and he looks agitated as if he was worried. Worried now when it’s just the two of us while only a few days ago he was so put together on live tv and in front of thousands!

I speak before I think and blurt out the first thing that comes to my mind:

“It’s perfect.”

For the first time in my life, I want this to last. To hold his hand not only on this rooftop and not only during Olympic season.

Day 13 - 22th February

I’m eating my well-deserved nutritious breakfast full of calories with mom when my phone rings and I tap on the messenger application out of habit. Despite my parent’s disapproving glare, I couldn’t fight the urge even if I wanted to. I find a new text under Jimin’s name: We’re going to the curling semi-finals with the boys to cheer for Jin. Will you join us? Pleeeease.

I must be grinning to myself like an idiot while reading this because my mother knocks on the wooden table to snap me out of it and the interrogation stars immediately.

“Is it that boy again?”

I don’t even get mad anymore because of her suggestive tone or not calling him by his name. We’ve been tiptoeing around the topic for a while and I want to start over with a clean slate.

“I just really like him, mom,” I admit with a sheepish smile and blush at the thought of my… My what? I can’t really label whatever it is we have. A one-sided crush? Borderline friendship or more thing? Maybe a star-crossed love story.

“Out of all people why him?” Mom sighs resigned and pins a strawberry on her fork.

I shrug even though I know exactly why she's asking. I also wondered and asked myself why because there are so many arguments against it. For example, he's three years older and lives in a different country. We lead the same hectic lifestyle and can't even speak each other's languages. We have so many differences yet I haven’t found anyone before who would understand me so well. I can talk with him about nothing and everything and never get bored. Maybe it's just a crush since we don't know each other for long but there's this deep, aching feeling that scars my heart. It's a horrible monster with sharp-edged teeth and claws ready to eat me alive while butterflies invade my organs and make me see everything in pink. It's called first love.

“I wish I knew,” I murmur instead and get ready quickly so Jimin and his friends don’t have to wait long.

Although the Korean team loses against Canada, the boys don’t mope around but celebrate. Everyone has finished already except Jungkook and the hockey team. They have one more match in two days and then that’s it. For the rest of us the remaining days are nothing but fun and games. A few of us go to Pyeongchang to check out other tournaments while some look around in the city surrounded by mountains. By the night falls, the dark alleys are jewelled by big snowflakes. Our breath fogs the air yet I can’t feel the cold with this close to Jimin. We’re strolling down streets side by side, our coats brushing constantly while the others decided to have the town’s famous hot cinnamon drink in a nearby restaurant.

“There. That’s Orion.” Jimin points to the sky in an exact direction when we stop to admire the view. I scoot a little closer so I can see what he’s talking about but tonight the sky is hazed by clouds.

“Where?”

“Those bright stars over there,” he tries again and positions himself behind me so he can show me the famous constellation. My breath hitch and I can’t really focus on his next words about the myth behind the Greek hero. The touch of his glove-covered hand still burns on my bare hand where he held it to raise it towards the Orion.

“You know a lot about stars,” I test my voice weakly and wonder why it sounds so faint. I turn around slowly, carefully because this close, it scares me: it’s almost hugging. Neither of us steps back and through the layers of our clothes I almost hear his heartbeat. Or maybe I’m just under delusion.

“When I was a kid I wanted to be an astronaut. I thought if I went out to space I could grab a star and bring it to Earth.”

Jimin is smiling. Again. During the past three weeks I have seen several types of his smiles: the genuinely happy, the teasing or cheeky, the fond, the tired one and so on. I wish I would have a photograph of them so I can categorize them all and never forget those tiny little differences like the twitch of the corners of his mouth or the crinkle around his eyes. This kind of smile is nostalgic and private, almost intimate. Dangerous.

“I bet you were a cute kid,” I blurt out before I can think the consequences. I can easily imagine him being the neighbourhood’s favourite, loved by everyone, helping grandmas on the bus, talking about stardust and paddling on ice for the first time.

“Cute and chubby,” he correct me like it matters. I don’t care, every kid was chubby once, so I just shrug and stick to my point.

“Still cute.”

This time he doesn’t protest but my satisfied smile frown on my face when he pulls me (impossibly) closer by my elbow and groans:

“Why don’t you wear gloves?”

I look down as if it was news to me. “Oh. I forgot them at the hotel.”

“You should be more careful not to catch cold,” Jimin scolds me and pulls off the glove from his right hand. Without a second thought he puts the warm leather on my freezing hand then grabs gently my other bare wrist, intertwines our fingers and stuff them into the pocket of his coat. It squeezes the air out of my lungs and I’m torn by my twisted feeling. I can’t shake of the feeling that this small sign of affection only means something to me but then again, Jimin’s ears that poke out under his beanie are red and it can’t be blamed solemnly on the cold.

He doesn’t let go of my hand even when we go back to the restaurant.

Day 14 - 23th February

Only three days left.

The harsh reality chokes me alive, it chew on my flash and spits me out. I wish time would just… stop.  I don’t want to think about The End. Not yet anyways.

The Korean group decides to make the most out of our time so one day we go skiing and snowboarding. Luckily my ankle is totally fine by now.

Jungkook who’s claimed to be good at everything except interacting with girls struggles when he has to choose which one he’d do. Eventually, he ends up skateboarding with Hoseok and Jimin while I’m skiing with Seokjin, Chungha and my roommate who miraculously joins us after finding at that the Korean curling team’s hottie in charge as in Jin would be here too.

After the physically draining but undeniably pleasant day the group splits into three: the elder who calls it a day (cough... Jin... cough), those who would like to enjoy the nightlife and those who rather enjoy a cup of hot chocolate by the fireplace at the ski resort. The latest includes me and Jimin.

Us. A pronoun I lately took a liking for.

“Tell me more about the stars,” I ask in a quiet voice even though we’re alone in the resort’s lobby while we wait for the last bus to go back to Gangneung. The panorama from here is unbelievably fascinating. There’s glass above us instead of the usual wood ceiling and we have an incredible view of the stars that are exceptionally bright and clear today. “What’s your favourite?”

“There’s this one called Aquila constellation.” Jimin hums, shifts his body and I feel his arm pressed against mine. The cozy couch we’re sitting on sinks as I turn towards him as well. Now we face each other in the dim light of fire cracking not too far from us. The orange flames paint lines over our figures and it should be flashy and ugly but Jimin manages to look like an angel under the new illumination. “It’s not that well-known and can only be seen during summer. There’s a story about it. You may have heard it. It’s Chinese. I think it’s called Qixi.”

The name is familiar, it rings a bell but every story has so many versions and every story-teller has their own.

“Oh! I think I know it.”

“That’s a pity. I wanted to seem cool,” Jimin pouts slightly disappointed and it makes me want to pinch his squishy cheeks

“You are. Please, tell me,” I nudge him with pleading eyes and fluttering lashes. It seems to work.

“Are you sure you won’t get bored?” he asks and I nod eagerly, almost feverishly. I settle down against the pile of pillows comfortably as Jimin silvery voice fills my ears.

“Once upon a time, there was a man called Niuland. Poor him had a really difficult life. He lost his parents at a young age and became homeless. Despite everything he grew up to be hard-working and kind-hearted. A fairy from heaven called Zhinü fell in love with him after watching him from above. She came down to earth and they secretly got married. They lived a happy married life. Niuland worked on the farms and his wife stayed at home with their two children. However, the God of Heaven wasn’t happy when he found out about them and ordered to bring the fairy back. To keep them separated the Queen Mother created the Silver River and they were banished to the opposite sides of that. Even though they couldn’t be together, they still truly loved each other and their loyalty moved the heavens. Once a year, on the 7th day of the 7th lunar month, thousands of magpies form a bridge to reunite the lovers for one day.”

I still faintly listen to Jimin’s explanation about the river symbolizing the Milky way and how the constellation shows that they’re stuck on the opposite side of it but his voice is so nice and honey-sweet, it’s lulling me to sleep. The moment I doze off, my head falls on his shoulder and I have soap, ice and heaven scented dreams.

Day 15 - 24th February

“We should head back,” Jimin nudges me awake looking at me oh so fondly. He’s so close I could probably count his eyelashes if I wanted to. I stare at him in stupor marvelling at his Greek God features until the ugly reality settles down in my bones.  

“Yeah, we probably should.”

During our bus ride back to the city, Jimin turns to me enthusiastically with a grin so wide it almost splits his face. I can feel those damn butterflies just by looking at him.

“Teach me something in Chinese,” he brings up an idea to make the times pass quicker and I have no reason to protest. I can easily do what he asks of me but suddenly nothing good, worth to teach pops into my mind.

“What do you want to learn?” I ask curiously that makes him think carefully. He furrows his eyebrows in a serious manner and raises a finger to touch his chin like those gangsters in movies. However, he breaks out of his impromptu act as soon as he decides on the answer:

“Hm… How about ‘I like ice skating’?”

It’s an easy one, I tell him the translation and he diligently repeats after me. Then he asks another one:

“I like your smile.”

Hearing this I wonder whether my mouth curls up or not. I teach him the Chinese phrase nevertheless and he follows, catching up on the tones pretty quickly. But he isn’t done yet.

“I like you.”

It knocks the air out of my lungs and for the first time it occurs to me that maybe… perhaps he’s trying to confess. Or he might be just flirting and playing around, a malicious little voice reminds me and I clear my throat as I tell him the correct translation. It feels strange saying those words while looking into his eyes but they don’t seem any less true.

Still, the next words seem heavy on Jimin’s tongue. He ruffles his own raven hair restlessly, the fluffy locks spiralling around his fingers. His eyes are full of stardust mirroring the galaxy and I don’t miss the way his eyes stray to my lips as his mouth move to let him speak. His usually silky voice sounds rough and edgy.

“Right now, I would like to kiss you so much.”

Suddenly I forget how to breathe properly and my brain needs a reboot. Despite blushing like crazy I automatically translate it to my native language. Jimin flashes a radiant smile and chuckles lightly.

“That wasn’t for learning. I mean it. I meant everything,” he explains and shrugs like he could do nothing about it yet he’s still trying to play it cool.

“Oh.” I cannot form any rational sentence.

The rosiness of my cheeks and the shiver that visibly runs through my spine should be an embarrassing. Neither of us moves, the confession is hanging between us caught in mid-air. I can’t tear apart my gaze from his and my heart goes thump-ta-thump as he shallows. It’s not a joke anymore, we can’t turn back now. This lingering, saccharine feeling burnt down all the bridges.

“Can I?”

There’s a hint of panic in Jimin’s voice. Maybe he didn’t mean to ask this so soon. Or maybe he just fears my answer. Though, there’s nothing to be afraid of.

“Please,” I beg with waiting lips and tug on his sweater to pull him closer.

Like waiting for this cue, Jimin moves immediately but carefully. His plush lips lock with mine and his fingers find their way to my sensitive neck and play with my loose curls as I sigh against his mouth. I only had a tiny bite yet this delirious feeling is so addictive that I could get (love)sick and wouldn’t mind. It must be a dream and if it is then I don’t want to wake up any time soon.

Is it okay? Me being the first boy who holds your hand? he asked once and I haven’t changed my mind since. Feeling his rapid pulse under his skin, I have a dangerous thought: I’d let him have all my firsts.

What a pity that there must be a first for heartbreak, too.

Day 16 - 25th February

I can’t remember much of the closing ceremony. All the memories come back to me in blurred pictures with cracked laughter and loud music. I remember pride swelling in my chest while at the same time it hurts breathing. It ended too quickly and now I have only a few hours before heading to the airport. To go home.

I pack my suitcase monotonously, trying to drag out the inevitable until I can but the next thing I know we’re at the closest airport’s terminal waiting for our flights. Mine goes straight back to Shanghai, his plane flies to Busan. We’re going home, yet it feels more like leaving our tiny little heaven here.

The members of the friendly Korean brunch I hung out with in the last month bid their goodbyes one by one.

“Take care.” The always gentleman Seokjin embraces and pat me on the back as a brother would. He steps back with a knowing smile and his Chinese last words that nobody can understand except me still echo in my ear: Don’t break his heart. Before I can answer, Hoseok crashes me into a tight hug wiping away his fake tears and whining about how much he’ll miss me.

“It was nice meeting you.” He only lets go of me when Jimin clears his throat loudly.

“Have a safe flight,” Chanmi beams at me and then it’s the ever so shy Jungkook’s turn. He shuffles a lot before speaking.

“Um… good luck on your tournaments.”

“Lame!” Hoseok comments on it teasingly which makes me slap his arm. I just smile at the youngest boy endearingly while murmuring a Thank you. You too. Then only one person is left and suddenly everyone else finds something to do nearby such as going to the toilette or checking out a souvenir shop.

“I guess this is really the end,” Jimin mutters, his eyes searching mine and I can faintly see the stars we watched together in them. His words hurt more than I expected even though I know he’s right. He was mine for the time being but we both knew how and when it would end.

Saying I like you now of all times would selfish, like a promise I can’t be sure I can keep. Yet, I’m reckless and impulsive... in love. I fell and I fell hard. I fell in love with him truly, madly, deeply in such a short time and I have no intention of backing out. When people talk about first loves they don’t mean anything like ours. It has blossomed slowly and tentatively like snowdrop, the pioneer of spring. It has shed its innocent white petals and bared its soul to let affection paint it pink. But the dry season comes too soon when it needs rain most and I’m afraid it will wither away with time.

That’s why I have to say it out loud. Because if not now then when?

“Does it have to be?” I dare to ask beside myself in grief. Mourning what we could have been. What we could have had. “I mean, the end?”

“I can’t… won’t ask you to wait for me,” Jimin struggles with words because he’s caught off guard by my sudden question. Although he looks like as if it’s not the first time he’s mulling over this. “However, even if I’m lucky, Bejing will be the end of my competitive career. After that… well, then anything could happen.”

Even though it doesn’t hurt less, all I can think about is the fact that he’s not rejecting me. I let hope blossom in my chest.

“That’s four years away,” I pout like the insatiable youth I am. “And I like you too much to just sit cross-legged doing nothing till then.”

I didn’t think before I spoke and there’s a moment of what ifs and almost regrets before Jimin smiles gently. His face is void of any sort of discomfort, if anything it’s drunk with joy.

“Gosh, I wanted to hear you say that so much,” he’s giggling visibly relieved. The tension in his shoulder leaves his body and the suffocating weight on my chest follows.

If there was one thing I learned in my life that would be it: live your life to the fullest, not somebody else’s. The path ahead of us is thorny and we all face hardships. Our actions of how we face them make us different. When mom said to be careful not to break the rules, I would have never dared to dream about it. But now I know that falling in love doesn’t have to mean a bad influence. Jimin inspires me, sets me at ease, makes me believe in myself more and shows me that there are so many beautiful things in the world waiting for us to explore them.

I don’t know who moves first but Jimin’s lips are as soft as I remember and the way he caresses my cheek turns my knees into jelly. The kiss tastes salty, sweetened with tears. It tastes like goodbye. Still, I crave it so bad.

“Let’s meet at the world championships and the Olympics in 2022,” Jimin whispers when he pulls back after our brief private moment. Those starry eyes are swimming with promises and I find myself smiling genuinely.

“Isn’t it funny? First it’s your country then mine.”

“Maybe it’s fate,” he says while he takes my hands in his. His fingers draw soothing patterns on my skin. It tingles. “Don’t forget that we look at the same stars and we’re in the same time-zone. It could have been worse.”

“Like Niuland and Zhinü,” I nod stepping closer to feel his warmth just a little bit more. The reminder of the love story he told me makes Jimin smile.

“Yeah,” he hums and when the boarding is announced, his grip on my hand straightens. He presses his lips to my forehead and my eyes flutter closed. “Text me when you land.”

“I will.” A promise I can keep.

My face is shining with tears but I’m smiling as I walk towards the gate. I’m waving to the prince-like boy with golden heart until I can’t see him in the crowd. When the plane sets off, I leave a piece of my heart behind because I know Jimin will take care of it.

No more rules

2022, Beijing

We smile at each other from across the new hotel’s lobby. We have met during different tournaments in different countries but always under the same sky. We have seen each other five times a year or six if we’re lucky enough to go on a vacation. We have spent the last 4 years texting, skype-ing, calling each other on daily basis. Nowadays, mom uses boyfriend instead of that boy.

I’ve missed you is the first thing he says and I notice that his Chinese improved a lot. I’m also learning Korean but the grammar is killing me.

“I’ve missed you, too,” I reply sincerely and kiss him without bravado. I melt into his arms, my fingers long lost in his hair and god, I really missed this: his scent, his touch, him.

It’s been a month since I‘ve last saw him on his graduation ceremony at the university where he studied astronomy. During the family dinner after, he said in his speech that he was always trying to reach for the stars because they seemed beautiful, meaningful, special and he wanted to touch the heavens. He looked at me with one of his secrets smiles and added: I would have never dared to dream of finding my own star on Earth. I don’t think I can ever forget how much he meant to me in that moment.

“I love you,” I whisper into his rosy lips while pulling back and the words slip out of my mouth naturally like they’re made for it. I never get tired of telling him how I feel, In Chinese, in Korean, in English, it doesn’t matter. I love him in every existing language and even more: like flowers blossom, stars burn out and we slide across the ice with pounding hearts.

A few days later, when he stands on the podium for the last time he sends me a flying kiss cheekily and I know it’s only the beginning of our story. Because even though it’s not a glimmering gold medal, he also won my heart.

This is the end, thank you so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed the story! ♥

The story that Jimin told is based on this Chinese folk story I’ve heard about from my Chinese teacher.

Gif credit: sweaterpawsjimin