Breaking rule no.2

Day 4 - 13th February

 I feel like I’m walking on eggshells and the house of cards can crumble in any minute but it’s so fun going against rules. A few minutes after midnight, my usual curfew we arrive back at the apartment building and say goodbyes to each other. The elevator gets emptier by every floor and by the time we arrive at the fourth, it’s only me and Jimin. When the doors automatically open and I make a move to get out, but he gently takes a hold of my wrist to keep me by his side.

“Are you sleepy?” he asks concern shown lightly in his voice.

“No,” I shake my head while looking at him because it’s true: I’m wide awake. Electricity is building up in my veins.

“Can I show you something?”

I simply nod and he presses the R button after dropping his hand back to his side. His touch’s ghost still lingers on my skin and suddenly I’m cold despite the multiple layers of clothes on me. It’s quiet while we go up, the air is filled with something I can’t put my fingers on. Not to mention that I feel my heart bouncing erratically as soon as we step out to the rooftop and I catch a glimpse of the night scenery of Gangneung.

“Wow,” I utter a sigh in awe staring at the midnight blue sea in the distance. Dozens of shiny lights lie under the mountains. Even though I know they’re windows of houses it looks like the stars came down to earth and they’re dusting the valley with celestial grace. Like a red carpet made of stars leading to the water. The pale moonlight reflects on the snow providing spotlight and it feels like magic.

“I like high places. Whenever I feel uneasy I go to the top of a building,” Jimin admits breaking the silence with his melodious voice while he walks to where I stand and his gaze wanders at the map of constellations. I turn to him and shiver briefly as my arm brushes against his side.

“So tomorrow… oh, today is your big day, huh?” I correct myself upon realizing how late (or early depending on how you look at it) it is.

“Yeah, the short program,” he smiles faintly and looks down at me suddenly that catches me off guard. There’s no way he didn’t noticed me staring at him so I shyly bit on my lower lip. The cold wintery wind creeps under my skin and I shake a little. Jimin seems to catch sight of my silent suffering and shrugs off his own puffy coat. “Here take this,” he offers and covers my shoulders with his warmth.

“But what about you?” I furrows my eyebrows in worry. Under the upper layer he wears a turtleneck sweater that doesn’t seem enough in the chilly weather. I feel selfish but at the same time it feels good to have someone who cares about me earnestly. I bit on my tongue to hide my secret smile.

“I have a good immune system. I’m used to winters in Korea.”

“Thank you,” I murmur gratefully and bury my face deeply into the soft material as I pull it tighter around me. As I look at him, a part of me dares to hope that Jimin’s cheeks aren’t rosy-coloured just because of the cold and this time it’s me who shatters the glass armour of silence. “Are you nervous?”

“It would be a lie to say no,” Jimin admits almost vulnerable yet the corners of his mouth turn upward. “No matter how many times I perform in front of judges, the adrenalin is always the same. I can’t imagine anything else I’d rather do.”

Just how I feel. Whenever it’s hard and I’m stressed about it so much that I’m considering quitting, I realize that it’s my choice to be here and I want to do it as long as I can. I’m not doing it for fame or money, but because I enjoy the kiss of excitement every time I’m on ice. Thanks to a of luck and hard work I’m fairly good in it, too.

“Do you have a goal today?” I ask curiously because I like to set a goal for myself, a score that I’d be satisfied with even if others are better than me.

“Nothing specific. I just want to run a good routine. I’m my own biggest competition but it’s good to have someone like Yuzuru to keep me going. Last time he beat me to it, so now I’m here to get the gold. And you?”

I let out a sigh as I lean against the edge of the rooftop. The sight of above still makes me speechless.

“I’m happy if I even place, this is my first Olympics after all.”

Of course, I’d like to be the best but I’m not that ambitious like my mother. I’m aware that there are dozens of talented skaters in the adult category even after Kim Yuna’s retirement. I’ve met them at various Championships and being my country’s number one, it doesn’t mean I can beat their experience.

Jimin hums sympathetically. It occurs me that maybe he knows how it feels.

“I was eighteen when I first entered the Olympics in Sochi. I don’t why I’m more nervous now that it’s in Korea this year,” he lets out a laugh lightly and slightly fidgety. After a quick calculation I come to the conclusion that he’s twenty-two now, three years older than me. Not that it matters concerning our life-style and nationalities. Even if there would be a chance, any chance for… something, age wouldn’t be the biggest problem.

“Doesn’t your family come to watch your performance?” I guess on instinct because it’s likely that their presence would make him nervous.

“Yeah, they do. Even Jihyun, he skips school for this.”

The way Jimin talks about this family with shining eyes I can tell how happy he’s that they come. His face lights up while he replies. Jihyun must be his younger brother he mentioned earlier. He must hold him close to his heart to think of him so dearly. If his entire family is so nice like him, I’d like to meet them one day.

“And what about you?” Jimin turns to me in a blink of an eye and I’m at loss of my words.

“Me?” I point to my chest in question because I don’t get the sudden change of topic.

“Yeah. Will you be there to cheer for me?” he leans forward still keeping an arm on the barrier. Yet, he’s so close that I can feel his minty breath on my face. So close that I don’t see anything but his pitch black, star-like eyes in which I could get lost. If I ever did that, please don’t bother to find me.

“Maybe,” I whisper with a sassy smile on my flushed face and I can’t look away. I want to make sure that despite my uncertain answer he knows he can take it as a yes. As he steps back with a pleased expression, I’ve no doubt about it: mission complete.

There’s a minute of silence while we’re watching the never sleeping sea and the darkening city above us. A part of me wishes we could stay like this forever: seeing everything but invisible for others. Especially, my mother.

“We should head back. It’s late,” Jimin speaks at last and we slowly descend to the 4th floor because he insists on escorting me to my room.

“Good night and good luck today,” I say barely above a whisper when we arrived in front of the door and I play with the hem of my too big sweater after handing him back his coat. The elegant skater just grins at me and I feel like melting.

“Sweet dream, Xianni.”

Oh, and sweet they are!

I’m bouncing on my feet as soon as I wake up. My roommate has already left when my alarm wakes me up. Because of the men’s competition we can’t use the Ice Arena for the time being so there’s no routine practice for two days. I revise my choreography again and again, have a yoga lesson and check my training schedule for the week with mom. I arrange it so that my evenings are free and I can watch Jimin perform. Of course, I can’t tell this my mom because she won’t like it but I try to make it the least obvious:

“I can learn from men skaters as well, can’t I?” I plead with big doe eyes and despite the suspicion in her eyes, she’s going along with my plan. That’s how I end up fair and square in the athlete’s viewing area that night just before the competition starts.

They announce the competitors one by one and each short program is unique and stunning yet I can’t hear the names, I don’t care about the points until the emcee doesn’t call that one particular athlete whom I came for.

“Next up Jimin Park, representing South Korea, performing Showdown.”

I’m tapping my feet in excitement and bring my hands in fist to my mouth like those crossed-eyed, lovesick anime girls. I just hope it prevents me from screaming his name but the crowd has already gone crazy for him. I guess that’s natural if you’re native.

It starts with nerve-wrecking formalities while the announcer lists his records and Jimin does a warm-up round in silence and then finally, the music plays. The rhythm is quite upbeat but Jimin follows is precisely and gracefully. His elegant style attracts all eyes on him and once you’re under his spell, you can’t escape. At least, I can’t take my eyes off of him.

He has tight black trousers on with a silver striped v-neck shirt. It looks expensive, made of silk and the broad fabric hangs on him loosely. The dark colours compliments his skin tone and natural hair colour while it contrasts the white ice. He gives off an unearthly vibe like he was a young Greek hero escaping his millennium year long imprisonment. A god among humans. His whole show is so enchanting it can’t be described with words. His balance is rattling good, his movements are sharp and his technique is unquestionably brilliant, I can tell even from this distance. But most importantly, he draws people in. It’s not just ice skating, not just dancing, it’s a whole new level of art.

A part of me feels like crying when it ends because it’s too soon and I’m not ready to let this go. The camera shows a close-up of Jimin’s beaming smile and my heart swells with pride because he had nothing to worry about. He nailed it and I hope the judges think so too.

After finishing his routine, Jimin goes straight to the kiss and cry area where skaters have to wait for the points. Lee Taemin is with him patting his back and holding a water bottle for him but the younger refuses a little out of breath. As he prays with his palms pressed together I do the same and I glance back to forth between the screen and the judges’ panel.

“Jimin Park’s showed a flawless short program without mistake. Even his quadruple jump was perfect and he could move along with the high tempo song. As I see, we have the results! Oh, he has good points. The technical and component scores add up... 101.34!” The announcer exclaims loudly and audience claps in delight. I join in happily and I almost can’t hear the rest from the ‘Park. Ji. Min.’ chanting. “Now it’s the third best on the highest scores of all time for a short program according to International Skating Union. With this point, he’s leading for the time being but we still have his biggest rivals, Yuzuru Hanyu and Alexei Bychenko coming up.”

Jimin, who is in the place doomed to kissing or crying, looks on the verge of disbelief until his coach shakes and embraces him in a big hug. I get up while still clapping to get a better view. I’d like to get closer to the backstage to congratulate him but my steps halt soon. There’s already a huge crowd gathering around the leaving athlete: reporters, team members and so on, but I’m sure he hurries to his family and I wouldn’t want to be in the way.

I’ll congratulate him later.

Day 5 - 14th February

Next day, it’s no news that Jimin won first place in the short program followed closely by the Japanese skater. I just can’t shut up about how perfect his performance was to my roommate and I can tell she’s had enough of me already.

Jimin’s probably busy with preparing for his free skating program and I don’t want to disturb or distract him so I keep myself busy too. Mom is impressed how enthusiastic I am all of a sudden. Don’t get me wrong, I’m always keen on practising and improving but before the Olympic season mom had her hopes high and demanded a lot more than I was capable of giving. But seeing Jimin doing absolute magic on ice made me feel like nothing is impossible.

Since I still can’t go to the arena where today’s competitors are practising, I get on a bus with mom and my routines’ choreographer to visit the closest city with an ice rink and I practice among children. It’s a different and fun experience and watching the kids play around makes my mother mood brighten up a little too. At the end, one of the skating instructors asks me in English after he struggled with Chinese to show something to his students and I gladly do so. The kids are so eager to learn and they’re rambling cheerfully in Korean after I finish. I don’t understand a word but their gleeful smiles tell me enough and I can’t say no when they ask for my autograph. They’re so cute.

After going back to Gangneung, eating and showering, it’s almost time for the free skating round to start. I almost race to the arena to save me a great spot in the first row but the VIP viewing area is seriously loaded with people. I’m seriously lost until I hear someone calling my name. My head snap to the soft voice’s direction.

“Hi. Jin, right?” I greet the blondish brown haired, broad shouldered guy as soon as I finally make my way through the packed place. The curling team member, if I remember correctly, is seated at one of the top benches but it gives a good view.

“Yes, hello Xianni. Did you come to watch Jimin?” Seokjin smiles at me curiously and pats the empty seat next to him when I nod. I sit down shyly and the guy grants me a pleased grin. “He’ll be happy. He’s talking about you non-stop.”

At that, I feel flush creeping up on my neck. “Really?”

“Yeah,” Jin nods and pretends to be mad but the crinkles around his eyes betray him. “He whines like a child every chance he gets about not being able to text you. It’s cute but annoying.”

“Oh.”

I’m pretty sure my face could compete against heaters at this rate. I feel like burning almost if I was coming down with something. I hope it’s not the case because that would be a huge trouble. But on the other hand… which one is worse? Getting physically sick days before the competition or catching feelings for a practically stranger I’ve only known for less than a week?

“Do you have any messenger app? I can give you his ID,” the elder Korean guy offers and even though my brain keeps telling me to refuse politely, I can’t help but add Jimin to my contracts. That will do, I try to convince myself as I thank Jin bashfully. I have no idea what else to say but Fortuna and the announcer save me from any further embarrassment.

“Second day of men’s ice skating is coming right up. After yesterday’s short program performances Park and Hanyu are shoulder to shoulder to win. If nothing extraordinary happens the long program is going to decide the gold’s fate between these two.”

It’s stressful to watch the amazing shows each competitor puts on and just wait anxiously for Jimin to show up. Thanks to the success of yesterday’s performance, he’ll be the one to close the show right after his biggest opponents. I have to admit that Hanyu is an equally skilled skater and he runs a flawless routine. His high score secures his place on the podium and Jimin needs to achieve more than 210 points to win the gold. The pressure must be heavy on his shoulders but Korea’s representative sets foot on the ice confidently.

“Lastly, Jimin Park, representing South Korea, performing his long program, Lie.”

The emcee’s voice echoes in the arena and everyone waits in silence as the slim figure takes his place in the middle of the rink. This time, he wears coal black jeans with a tight dress shirt in the same colour and a vest with golden patterns. He legit looks like a prince from a manga and I’m already enchanted.

One heartbeat later the music starts. The song is a slow, sensual ballad. I have never heard it before but from the way Jimin moves as if he’s possessed, someone who’s ready to die on stage, it makes my heart ache in the best way possible. My mouth dries just by looking at him and I don’t dare to look away in fear of missing something. The seconds go by too quickly and I can feel my heart beating so hard and loudly it might deafen me. Then at some point of the routine the music quiets down, takes a short break but I guess it must be the bridge part in the song because Jimin also slows down and takes out a red scarf under his vest like a magician. It’s a little unusual to use a prompt while skating but before I can question what he’s doing, he shocks the whole audience.

“Am I seeing it right?” The emcee asks in a hysterical voice. “Is he going to put on that scarf as a blindfold? He is! First in the history of Olympics ever Jimin Park is going to perform with his eyes blinded!”

The crowd goes nuts and roars. Jimin has already put on the red blindfold and continue skating naturally. Just by looking at it, the sight makes my insides flapped. Oh my god, I can’t even imagine performing with such a noise around me in pitch darkness. Everyone stares at him in awe while he gracefully spins and jumps as if the blindfold didn’t make any difference. The free program’s four and half minute passes like moments and then there’s him in the middle of the rink taking off the scarf and bowing with a satisfied lazy smirk on his face.

I haven’t even realised I held back my breath until I release it. I can still feel my erratic heartbeat drumming in my ears as I clap and watch him retreat to the kiss and cry area where his coach hugs him tightly and they both laugh.

“Oh... that kid. I’ll kill him. He nearly gave me a heart-attack,” Jin sighs beside me but I can tell he’s just as proud as me.

When the results are finally shown after the torturous waiting I don’t know if I scream or just jump off my seat but I don’t even care. I can’t because even with two minus deduction points that he got for his balance problems towards the end, he still he did it! He got 218.76 points which means his combined score is 320.1, higher than any other contestants’ score. That means gold and nothing compares to his face in disbelief when he realises this. Suddenly everyone, athletes and staff members around him, congratulate him while he has tears in his eyes and a toothy grin plastered on his face. Yet, the most heart-warming moment that’s caught on camera is Jimin hugging Yuzuru backstage and they pat on each other’s shoulders like friends. Even though he didn’t break Hanyu’s world record he’s flooded by reporters as soon as he steps out of the VIP area.

No matter how much I’d like to congratulate him face to face I know now is not the time and I’m okay with that. It’s his time to shine after all. So I settle with a simple but direct message with heartfelt words and cute stickers: CONGRATULATIONS! You totally deserved it! I’m still speechless.

Two hours later when I’m ready to go to bed (surprisingly early compared to the last days), my phone vibrates. The screen displays a series of short messages:

Thank you \o/

Will you meet me?

On the rooftop at midnight?

And let’s be honest: who could say no to that?

Day 6 - 15th February

After changing into something more presentable than my pyjamas, I’ve waited restlessly for the agreed time to come. So when the clock hits midnight, I’m on my feet right away. This time the cold doesn’t faze me because I learned from my previous mistake and have multiple layers on.

When I arrive at our meeting place, Jimin is already there leaning over the fence in casual clothes and a training coat. I take a moment to appreciate his stunning looks while he isn’t aware of me watching. His skin glows under the moonlight and his side profile has dangerously cutting edges from this angle. I wonder how a simple smile can transform this royal appearance into a soft boyish one. What’s more: how can he look so effortlessly good in a puffy winter jacket when every time I wear something similar I feel chubby and self-conscious?

“Congratulations, Mr. Gold. How does it feel?” I step out of the shadows and the door slams shut behind me with a click. The nickname rolls off my tongue mindlessly but Jimin doesn’t seem to mind. Joy is radiating on his face when he turns to me and my legs turn to jelly with every step I take closer to him.

“I still can’t believe it. It will be hard to top this next time,” he chuckles without taking his eyes off of me and I can’t find it in me to look away. I think I’m becoming such a er for his eye smile because every single time I see it, my heart does this weird little thing with rapid thump, thump, thump.

I gulp visibly and shove him on the shoulder to wipe away that characteristic grin from his face. “Are you insane? A blindfold? What kind of idea was that?”

The heaven’s bells tinkle when Jimin laughs light-heartedly.

“Well, it’s kind of a funny story,” he admits while his fingers are thrumming on the cold brick barrier. “I’ve done this routine hundreds of times and I jokingly said once that I could probably do it with my eyes closed. Then Taemin made a deal with me to treat me to a feast with lots of meat if I can actually do it. So I did. I lost my balance and I made a lot of mistakes at my first try but he still treated me and said that we could make history.”

“Still, that was dangerous.”

Jimin’s glossy jet black eyes shine mischievously.

“Were you worried about me?” he asks playfully and I scrunch my nose.

“Maybe.”

We don’t talk much, we don’t need to. He takes a breather between two hectic days and I’m just here beside him. His presence is more than enough.

“You’ve had a long day and there’s one ahead of you as well. You should sleep,” I suggest half-heartedly after prolonged minutes. I don’t want to leave our secret little place but we both need rest. Especially him.

“Yeah, probably. I have tons of interviews today and we’re celebrating with my family before they head back home.”

“Then have a good time!” I say it earnestly without any grunge. It’s natural that he can’t spend the day with me. We rarely saw each other in the past days but we are merely acquaintances made in the sea of Olympics. Our time together is limited anyway.

“Thanks. And you…” Jimin looks at me fondly, mirroring stars in his pupils. For a second, I think he has something to tell me but it’s gone too quickly with a twitch of lips. “Take care!”

“I will.”

And I do as I promised when my training is set back to its original tough schedule from that morning. I have to work harder from now on since the ladies’ short program is only 4 days away.

Day 7 - 16th February

It becomes a habit without settling anything concret.

We can’t see each other during the day because of our schedules but we meet up at midnight. Next day, Jimin comes prepares: he brings two folding chairs and blankets so we can talk while comfortably lying down.

“First, I was into dancing. I liked the rhythm and moving to it. They said I had talent for it but then I saw figure skating on a television program and fell in love with it.”

From the way he talks about it anybody could tell that Park Jimin is really passionate about his profession. Like it’s not just a job that he chose but something more special that chose him. As if it was written in the stars.

“Ice skating isn’t a popular sport where I grew up but I really wanted to do it and my parents supported me from the beginning. I was sixteen when I met Taemin and he immediately took me under his wings. When his competitive skating career ended, he became my coach.”

Listening to his struggles and breakdowns when he wanted to quit makes me realise that he’s not a prodigy like everyone makes him to be after his last performance. He’s a human who worked really hard for this. He’s just like any of us but he sacrifices even more time and effort to make it work. He just did it but he isn’t satisfied, he still wants to aim higher. I find this kind of attitude admirable.

“Gangneung actually reminds me of my hometown except the snow,” he suddenly blurts out and I have the urge to ask:

“Where are you from?”

I know I can easily ask around or search it up online but that feels immoral. I want to get to know him in person since I’m lucky enough to have the chance. I enjoy listening to his stories no matter what they are about.

“Busan. It’s a city by the ocean.”

“It must be beautiful.”

I live far from any beach; I rarely have the chance to see one. Maybe that’s why I love Gangneung. The salty water and the melody of waves are part of the city’s peculiar atmosphere.

“It is. Especially in summer when the sun sets,” Jimin agrees quickly and I can tell he has a strong liking for his hometown. His description makes me crave sparkling, warm summers and Korean, sandy beaches.

“I’ll make sure to go there for vacation one day.”

“I will wait for you,” he says carelessly yet so confidently without missing a beat that a blush paints my cheeks pink while his are dimpled.

His words echo in my ears the whole day.

Day 8 - 17th February

The days blur in my mind as the count-down starts. Two days have never felt so short before. Yet, I’d never give up on Jimin's company… until I eventually have to. It’s after one of our midnight stargazing meet-ups when he walks me to my room like the gentleman he is. However, this time despite the quiet hallway, it’s not empty. My mother stands in front of my door mindlessly scrolling on her phone, obviously waiting for something… or someone. Most probably me. I gulp nervously, quickly turning on my heels, pulling Jimin back to the elevator with me and I push a random number on the button plate.

“Mom is there,” I explain hastily, with my breath caught in my throat and I feel like a coward teenager hiding from the parents after the first drunk night.

“Why is she up so late?” Jimin wonders with his mouth agape and his tone is regretful. I sincerely hope he doesn’t blame himself for anything. If I got myself in trouble, he has nothing to do with it. Although he’s the reason why I smile.

“I guess she came to check up on me,” I shrug while the lump forming in my throat is ready to choke me and my heart aches as if someone was clutching it in their fists.

“Oh… I can speak with her. Tell her that it was my idea and...”

There’s a line between Jimin’s eyebrows and he’s so freaking cute when he’s thinking hard about something with that frown on his face. But my favourite feature about him right now is the genuine worry swimming in his deep ocean eyes. His caring side makes me weak.

“No!” I protest way too quickly and feverishly but I really don’t think that it will work. Even if he’s taking the blame for staying up late, I still have to face the consequences of hanging out with a boy, none other than the Korean team’s new star. “I’ll have to do it alone.”

“Are you sure? ‘Cause I can...” Jimin doesn’t seem convinced and he’s tapping his foot like he can’t stand still but I nod confidently.

“I’m sure. Thank you, though.”

A grateful smile sprays on my face as the elevator pings when we arrive at the ground floor. The door opens and closes but neither of us moves an inch. Eventually, Jimin’s eyes soften and his sniff shoulders go lax.

“I hope you won't get in trouble,” he presses the number four and I can only pray Me, too. It doesn't take more than a minute and we’re back on my floor. The point of no return. Secretly I still hope that mom left in the meantime but to be realistic I know what’ll come. I deserve the punishment whatever it may be since I broke the curfew and kept secrets behind her back.

“Hey,” Jimin half-whispers and keeps on tug at the hem of my sweater. My gaze drops on him and his pleading eyes. “Text me, ok?”

“Okay,” I nod without giving it much thought. It's almost scary how ordinary it became: texting him right away when something happens may it be good or bad.

The last thing I see before that metal door closes is a reassuring smile that feels like a calming gel on my itching, sunburnt skin or a medicinal cream on my invisible wounds scratched by my own stupidity. He’s the healing potion to my heart pains. But without him the weight on my shoulders is almost too much.

“Hi mom,” I approach the comfortable clothed woman and keep my gaze on the floor. I don’t dare to look up in fear of seeing her disappointment.

Some sort of shame rushes over me because I became exactly that kind of girl I’ve never wanted to be. Someone who changes because of a boy. Someone who chooses a stranger over her own family. Still, regret wasn’t on the list of the trillion emotions playing inside of me right now. Jimin never forced me into anything, he helped me spreading my wings and finding out what freedom tastes like. Without him, the Winter Olympics would be just another competition with endless practices, heavy stress and the thrill of performing.

“Did you have fun at least?” mother speaks up after a pang of silence and she sounds genuinely interested. Her sarcasm only bit into me when my gaze snaps up to her in a dumbfounded manner. “With that boy again?”

“It’s not like that mom...” I shake my head but she doesn’t want to hear my excuses.

“Your roommate told me you always disappear late at night and come back at the crack of dawn. Do you sleep at all?”

“Of course. I’m fine, mom. I sleep 6-7 hours just not all at once.” I usually take a two hours long nap after the late-night practice and showering but before midnight and I go back to sleep around two or three o'clock depending on how talkative we are. This way I still have enough time to rest until I have to go in the morning.

“Still, it’s irregular and you have to give your best in two days. I want you to be in top shape and being sleep deprived won’t help you,” mom sighs and gives me a firm look.

Please don’t push me too hard! Don’t make me hate it. Because I love ice skating, I love competing but I need something normal in my life, too. My insides are crying out loud and I’m standing there still waiting for more to come but nothing happens. She’s only staring at me with that typical parent expression when her brain thinks that exact thing. Yes, that thing, the I still remember holding you in my arms and crying about cartoons, when did you grow up so fast?

I blink.

“That’s it? Won’t you yell at me?”

“You want me to?” she raises an eyebrow asking as if it was a challenge.

“No, not at all. I just thought you’d be more angry,” I admit relieved and my stomach ache lessens.

“To be honest, I don’t care if you hang out with Park Jimin but only after the competition. Until then I must ask him to respect your packed schedule and leave you alone. Except if he has some useful advice to give.”

My jaw drops as my mother talks about Jimin. She even knows his name! I get the feeling she secretly became his fan after the blindfold performance. But truth to be told: who didn’t? The video of the routine went viral on the Internet and has millions of views already. That’s the topic everyone’s talking about worldwide, noted as the most stunning event of this year’s Olympics so far and Jimin rapidly became celebrity famous. Yet, he’s still shy and humble about it.

Are you okay? Tell me you didn’t get into trouble. Jimin texts me and even inserts a praying emoji that makes me smile. I reply immediately after we say good night with mom and I glare at my roommate for telling on me. Thank god, mom was pretty chill after I agreed to her conditions.

No, not really. She just wants us to stop meeting at ungodly hours until my competition.

And we do stop but she didn’t say anything about messages. Thanks to those cute messages I get with a ping I can bear with my mother’s crazier than ever nagging about practising all the time. Soon, texting him becomes the highlight of my day and my source of reassurance in this beautiful havoc.

Day 10 - 19th February

The day has come and I’m more nervous than ever.

“I can’t wait to see you on ice,” Jimin grins at me all of a sudden and I roll my eyes in frustration. He doesn’t help. At all.

“You have seen me practice,” I point out and poke him in the chest. He shouldn’t even be here, he sneaked in against the rules because he was simply bored. Nobody dared to tell him to leave because honestly who would oppose the gold-winner phenomenon? Even my mom gave up after a firm glare.

“That’s not the same and you know it,” Jimin pouts and the mischievous glint in his eyes gives him away. Suddenly only one thing comes to my mind that could make a difference.

“Oh, let me guess: the dress?”

“Not just that.” he snorts but I can see the faint marks of a blush bright as the Sun on his cheeks. I find it cute that I have such an effect on him.

To be honest, the least he’s seen me in was the clothes I wore at the opening party where we’ve met. Other than that I mostly wear tracksuits, sweater and fluffy coats. My almost revealing black costume decorated with colourful sequins and glitter is definitely on another level and I kind of hope that I could impress him at least a little bit.

“Sorry in advance but my routine will be boring after your jaw-dropping performance.”

That’s why a part of me hopes that he doesn’t have high expectations because I’m not sure I could live up to them. However, since I have a fairy concept it’s my goal to put the audience, including him, under a spell.

“Tsk,” Jimin clicks his tongue in annoyance at that and his smile makes my heart flutter. “Let me be the judge of that.”

I turn crimson as I go back to skating well aware of his eyes on me.

“Next up Xianni Xu, from China, performing River flows in you,” a feminine voice blares from the speakers a few hours later but it seems like a lifetime passed since we laughed around freely with Jimin at the side-line.

I can feel knots in my stomach while I slide into position on the ice.  The usual stage fright. It’s always the worst moments before stepping on ice. As soon as the music starts, it's gone, replaced by adrenaline rushing through my veins and it stirs me up. I give myself into the passion and I no longer skate but fly higher and higher like it’s magic. My short program’s theme revolves around self-discovery and has a well-built story-arc full of melancholic moments, prolonged movements and charming gestures. Yet, it ends too soon, I feel like I have barely even started.

While I stand in my final pose with straight back and see people who rose to their feet to clap for me, I’d like to capture the moment to remind me of this feeling. Of why I’m doing this. I bow deeply and leave the ice with the thought: not my best but I can always try to do better tomorrow.

Day 11 - 20th February

On the day of the long program I break down crying after practice because during yesterday's performance I hurt my ankle. I didn’t even notice it until I had to put on the ice skates this morning but now it’s swollen and covered with red-purple spots. I put minty cream on it and take painkillers instead of an actual lunch. I can’t believe I messed up so bad this close to the goal.

“It's okay. Shh... it's okay,” mom keeps telling me like a mantra and rubs my back gently to calm me down. “You just have to performance the three and half minutes once. Can you do that?”

The question I hoped she would never ask was presented to me and I know I have to choose. I’m sure mom wouldn’t force me to do it against my will if I said no. She wants me to have a long career and not one Olympic Gold with a messed up ankle.

“I can,” I hiccup. I've endured worse pain before, I can do it, I try to convince myself but it’s not really working. I couldn’t breathe properly, the guilt suffocated me and I was on the verge of crying again.

“Xianni... you don't have to do it. No matter how you do whether you’ll be last or first, I’m proud of you,” mom says as I shake my head sobbing. Last time I wasn’t good enough to qualify; now I’m on the short-list for a sparkling medal and I’d like to give it a try. I’d like to prove to her and myself.

So we roll bandage around my ankle after applying a ton of alleviative fluid and I rest it for a while which seems like the worst idea once I stand up but I can’t overwork myself. The doctor also says I’ll need immediate medical help after performing my routine.

Even though we don’t tell anyone about it, gossips are spreading here quickly like a virus and an hour before the long program I get a message from Jimin. Just a simple I hope you're okay. You can do it. but it means a whole lot more. I gives me strength and hope. Yeah, he’s right. I can do it!

And I do. When my name is called I slide across the ice confidently throwing smiles here and there. I let the music and my passion towards skating sooth the pain and on my cue I set off a slow, elegant pace. I bless Yixing for the choreography’s natural flow and I get lost in it easily, just like when you fall asleep under warm blankets during cold winter nights. Luckily my triple axel triple toe at the highlight part puts pressure on my good leg so I’m able to finish my routine with wowing the judges and apparently, the audience.

I tear up when I glide off the ice and see my mother’s touched and impressed face. She squeezes me tightly in her arms as soon as I step on the carpeted floor. Whatever happens, I’m satisfied with myself. I finished my routine neatly and just the way I wanted. I’m so over the top because of this relieved feeling I almost miss the announcement of my score. I just hug my mother in the kiss and cry area and we let the happy tears roll down when eventually 3rd place appears beside my name on the scoreboard.

As I stand there with a bronze medal around my neck and a flower bouquet in my hand, I only search for one face in the crowd. When I finally find his beaming eye smile and clapping figure I wave happily into his direction and chuckle lightly when one of his friends, Hoseok I think, makes a show of waving me back. This must be one of the most beautiful moments of my life and I’m sure I’ll remember this feeling for a long time.

“So what’s your story?” Jimin asks later that night while we’re stargazing. It’s the same question I brought up after he won gold. It’s only fair to answer him now. I don’t really have anything to hide from him anyway.

“I was on ice as soon as I learned how to walk. That’s my second home. Or my first depending on how much time I spend there,” I let out a breathy sigh as I acknowledge the facts. When it’s competition season, I barely go home, I only sleep there and I’m lucky to have mom who takes me home, otherwise I could sleep on the changing room’s bench because sometimes I’m even too tired to move after 4-6-8 hours of practising and off-ice training.

“You mother seems pretty strict.”

I hum in agreement. I get that a lot and I’m not even surprised anymore, she really is demanding but I’m used to it by now. It’s been long since I wondered why she’s like this.

“I think she’s trying to prove something but I’m all she has so I don’t want to disappoint her.” The confession feels heavy on my tongue, I’ve never said it out loud and it somewhat makes it more true. The proof for my compulsion to conform. It’s weird, I note to myself. I’m not ashamed of it (of who I am) in front of Jimin. I know for sure he won’t judge or misunderstand me. “Dad divorced her when I was eight. He said she’s obsessed with ice skating. Maybe he was right.”

Occasionally I get birthday cards, money and a congrats but I rarely see my father. There’s this throbbing ache in my chest that resembles of missing someone but when the three of us is together, we always end up arguing and I’m tired of being the mediator. Two grown-up adults and they act like children. I can’t stand it so it’s maybe better this way. Just me, mom and figure skating.

“Aren’t you close with her?” Jimin wonders out loud and I don’t blame him. My relationship with my mother is rather complicated.

“We were pretty close when I was younger but when things got serious, she started acting more like my coach than my mother,” I chew on my lips nervously on my bottom lip while talking. It feels so goddamn fine to finally able to talk about it with someone. Before I had nobody who’d listen to my nonsense or whom I’d trust enough to let into one of my secrets. The only constant thing in my life is mom and I can’t talk with her about this. “Whenever I’m with someone she thinks I will give up on skating and stuff like that.”

It’s a loud silence: so quiet, you can hear the ocean from afar and the heartbeats if you listen closely. I can feel Jimin’s eyes on me and when I look up they are there when I hoped them to be: focused on me.

“She cares about you,” he says softly, comforting. I can almost feel his words wrap me up in a warm blanket and soothing calming melodies.

“I know and I know she just doesn’t want me to repeat her mistake.” The fist around my heart clenches harder. The possibility has always been so absurd to me but lately… everything changes. “She would never say it out loud but I know sometimes she regrets having me. If she didn’t get pregnant so young she could have been an Olympic medallist. That’s why it’s so important to her.”

I can still see her happy tears and feel her bone-crushing hug when I got my score that determined my place. My Olympic bronze medal.

“You did it. You made her proud,” Jimin reminds me and he looks at me like he stares at the stars. Like I was something beautiful yet out-of-reach.

“Yeah, I guess I did.”

“And me, too. I’m proud of you,” he blurts out without warning and my heart skips a beat. I have to shift away my gaze from his intense glare.

I can’t deal with him and his sweet words right now. I’m already melting like cheap vanilla ice cream from the corner shop in the terrible heat of summer. My heart is sizzling like sugar in steaming hot oil just before caramelisation. I’m afraid of burning myself if I get too close and I know that I should stop before it’s too late. But instead I inch closer.

To be honest, I'm not sure they would allow blindfold on a competition since it's very dangerous. But let's just say it's okay for the sake of the story.

Gif credit: yoonmin