Yongsun’s been feeling it. This past week, Byulyi has camped out at her place because well, two-thirds of Byulyi’s closet is integrated with hers now and her toothbrush is here and those things really just speak for themselves.

Byulyi’s stayed over more times than she could count, but usually it was only a day or two, or it would have been a week of heavy activity and it was easier to just crawl into Yongsun’s bed rather than walking the extra 10 minutes to get home.

It took 3 days of not doing a whole lot for her to realize something. She and Byulyi, they were really…domestic. Byulyi actually brought some structure to her otherwise listless break schedule. She had the drive to do things other than sleep, and Yongsun was grateful. She knew they all had a habit of sliding into depressive moods if they were inactive. There wasn’t even anything special that they did. Though maybe it was Byulyi that made the mundane special. At some point, Yongsun realized Byulyi was why she woke up in the mornings.

She could almost say it was perfect. Almost.

It was driving Yongsun mad. Like a coil that’d been winding and winding and surely when it’s released, will whip her with all the power it’s built up, it’s put all her senses on high alert. She’d been cowering in its presence and she’s excited.

She feels it in her toes, something sparkly yet fuzzy, and she’s afraid, like she’s anticipating a wonderful gift but it might not even be hers. That’s why she has to keep on her toes, she has to catch it or it’ll slap her in the face or fly right past her. She isn’t scared of taking it head on, she’s scared missing it and being helpless to do anything but watch it leave.

Trying to grab at it is not an option. It might run away. Yongsun’s not sure of herself enough of try to coax Byulyi to do something, but at night when they’re pressed close it’s all she can do to keep from asking “please kiss me”.

Yongsun knows Byulyi loves her. She knows Byulyi wants her, but she knows the moment she gives in a little bit she’ll be torn open and left raw. She doesn’t know if she can survive being exposed like that. It’ll leave her empty. But she thinks if Byulyi guides her, she knows all the safe places to step, she’ll make sure Yongsun stays on her feet, and she’ll protect her. She always does.

Byulyi’s seen her almost every time they share a room, but it’s not the same. Byulyi sees her body all the time but Yongsun wonders how often and how clearly Byulyi can see her heart.

The week is near its end. Yongsun is getting impatient that nothing has happened yet so she’s scared nothing will. But Byulyi is so lovely every day that sometimes, when she wakes from her dreams, It has already happened, and she touches, kisses as she wants, but then she wakes up a little more and she realizes that no, nothing’s happened. Nothing definite.

When they talk before bed, she’s careful with her words but also hopes she’ll be muddled by sleep enough that she lets it slip. It would be so easy. It would be too easy. Byul deserves more than half-asleep confessions in the dark. She deserves the truth.

Yongsun doesn’t have the truth with her. Her truth is in Byulyi.

She’s fallen asleep again. Byulyi’s arms are warm around her. Yongsun usually feels like she can’t quite relax when she’s sleeping with others, but not with Byulyi. With Byulyi it’s always on clouds, the feeling of something fluffy and warm and it soothes her gently. She knows the night is crucial. It’s the only time Byulyi the outlines of her face, draws circles on her back over and over, lightly presses rhythms with the pads or her fingers.

But Yongsun can’t help from drifting, because at the end of the day while Byulyi mounts all her anxiety she also releases it, so Yongsun relishes in being able to let some of that go, to lay safe in those arms, even if they tremble.

She stirs when Byulyi breaks pattern, and just holds her palm against Yongsun’s face. She’s not cognizant enough to realize that this is the change she’d been waiting for for so long.

Something escapes Byulyi like a sweet nothing, and Yongsun wants to hear more, so she curls in, makes herself small so she’s completely enveloped by Byulyi’s love.

And then she realizes. Byulyi’s got one foot raised to take a step. Yongsun had always thought Byulyi would know where to go, where the end all is, but then she realizes right now, quite literally, they’re both in the dark.

She feels Byulyi’s name form in the back of and escape through her lips. It pokes a hole in the container carrying the feelings she’d been compacting and she almost panics. No no no no no no no, she can’t let them free yet, they’re bubbling up but nothing’s happened yet, she can’t let them be wasted out in the open, she’d been saving them all so when Byulyi finally finally finally-

She’d be able give Byulyi all the love she deserved.

Byulyi narrows the distance between them and repeats herself. Yongsun feels the weight of her words and the sparkle in her eyes is like stars, of course. Yongsun feels something significant in the air but she’s preoccupied now because her love is about to escape and then

Byulyi kisses her, she breathes in all the love Yongsun has for her and not a drop of it breaks out. It pours and mixes with Byulyi’s love and surrounds them like an atmostphere.

It’s soft, just like she knew it would be.

thank you so much to everyone for supporting this story, for all the upvotes and subscriptions and comments

it's been around 6 years since i wrote something other than an essay so having you readers really kept me motivated to keep writing

until next time!