He was jittery. He fumbled with his fingers and he struggled to keep his cool. He didn't even know why he felt that way; wasn't the first time for him to do what he came to do. But Xiah Junsu had to admit that this girl was different. Spending the not-so-many days with her made him feel something in his whole being that made him want. He had not felt such tremors in his being ever before. It had left him dumbfounded; blissfully and pleasurably so.

He waited for her to finish her recording session for the day; determined on having dinner with her and the eventual accomplishment of his real mission.

That is to have her as his girlfriend. His weary self yearned for her approval.

He continued to fumble, his jittery self growing more and more anxious with every passing minute – second.

A few minutes later, a tiny girl in her late teens emerged from the recording studio. Her appearance had Junsu jumping to his feet. He felt cold sweat running down his neck. His presence made the girl stop in her tracks, her head tilted to the side in confusion.

“What are you doing here, Oppa?” she asked.

“I wanted to invite you to dinner,” he replied.

The girl nodded, agreeing, lifting Junsu’s spirits from the pit he unconsciously stumbled upon. She then turned back to her coordi to tell her to go on ahead. When she turned back to Junsu, she was sporting a wide smile.

"What did you have in mind, Oppa?" she inquired. "I'm starving."

He surprised the girl by driving to an expensive family restaurant. She eyed him when he parked, and she almost didn't alight the car. Junsu half dragged her inside, heart vulnerable on his sleeve. He sat her down a couple of booths from the very back with him facing the entrance. He snapped his fingers to catch a waiter's attention and they didn't have to wait long before they were being served.

Junsu noticed the girl's hesitation in choosing her food. She was always like that, he mused. She was always careful of her actions, and thoughtful of the people around her. She seldom smiled or laughed in abandon, almost never let anyone in. Junsu was fortunate that he was one of the few that she'd open herself up to.

Junsu only shook his head and proceeded to order the meals for both of them. He couldn’t help but notice the slight blush creeping up her radiant make-up-less face.

His heart soared.

But he kept silent. And she didn’t speak, letting the companionable silence settle between them until their food arrived.

“Is there something you want to say, Oppa?” she finally broke it after swallowing a bite of her heavenly salmon steak. “You’re not one to treat anyone out at a place like this.”

“Actually, there is something I want to say,” Junsu answered. He took a deep breath. “I’ve thought about this long and hard. I’ve been wondering for weeks how to say the words,” he started. “Anyway, before I ramble, I’m going to cut to the chase.” He took another deep breath. And another. “I like you.”

The girl before him stared, dumbfounded.

“I like you. A lot. I think I’m even in love with you, or on the way there. I can’t really tell,” Junsu continued, his eyes on her, his heart hopeful. “I guess what I really want to say – what I want to ask is if you’d agree to be my girlfriend.”

Another deep breath followed his last word, and then he bowed his head, unable to look the girl in the eye once again.

“Oppa,” the girl said softly after a moment. “I don’t know what to say. I didn’t think it’d be like this. I – “ she trailed off. “I can’t, Oppa.”

Junsu’s head snapped up. He looked at her, asking why.

“We’re friends, Oppa. Really good friends. I’d like to keep it that way.”

She moved to stand but Junsu stopped her, his arms extended in shock.

"It's okay," came Junsu's almost inaudible assurance. "I understand. But you don't have to go," he added. "You said it yourself. We're friends. And it’s okay for friends to eat out like this." He said words with which his heart warred against. He kept the smile pasted across his lips.

The girl could only nod. This time she was the one with a bowed head, hiding, as if cowering from Junsu's gaze. He assured her some more, the words not really easing the pain he himself was suffering.

That night, Junsu figured that if things between them would stay the way before his idiotic confession, if can live with it. Heck, if could even be happy.

He was wrong, however, for the tension between them never eased up, and the awkwardness only multiplied. She no longer opened to him like the days when they rehearsed for their Timeless performances. To him it seemed that she'd taken each and every opportunity not to spend time with him. He realized after week of avoidance on her part.

Junsu never was a fast learner when it comes to things not related to music.

Time passed, days, weeks, months, and he was still pining for her. He'd fallen for her so gradually and completely but she didn't and in the end they just grew apart. They didn't even remain friends.

It came to the point that Junsu and his band had to go overseas to promote; there weren’t any goodbyes or promises of keeping in touch. He didn't get to talk to her before he left, him pressed for time, her nowhere for him to be found. He didn't get to see her anymore, either. And yet, he could not deny that with every single news article he read about her, every cyworld update she made, every stage she performed on, she made him fall for her even more completely – if that was even possible.

When his band came back to their home country, after several months, she was at the airport. Disguised and all, Junsu recognized her.

He wished he didn't.

Because she approached their group and she greeted him with a hug. But she bestowed a kiss upon someone else's lips. He walked off. It was the only thing he could do to shield his heart from anymore heartaches. It wasn't as effective as he would have liked.

He never realized that they were dating behind his back. Somehow his dongsaeng found it unnecessary to let him know, while his friend conveniently avoided the topic. Although, Junsu thought, how could she have told him when they weren't even friends anymore?

They lived together, his band members and him. But by the time they had to leave for Japan once again, Junsu had lost count of the many times he'd wanted to slit his wrists whenever he saw them, Changmin and her, together, whenever he heard the younger singer called her Riinie within earshot.

A day after they landed in that foreign land, their second home, he vaguely remembered their lead singer letting slip to him that the couple had broken off of their relationship. That same night, he slept on the couch of their shared apartment, a couple of empty beer cans on the coffee table before him. He awoke with a massive hangover the next morning, his mood draining with every minute at passed him by.

They never talked about it, Changmin and him. They never discussed what happened between his band mate and that tiny R&B singer from China. The other never opened up and Junsu was never one to prod. He kept mum about the things he knew – those he only read online – and about the things he wanted to find out. He figured that if Changmin didn't want to share anything with him, he should respect the other man's decision. It wasn't anything that he had legal right over anyway. He hoped he did. He prayed so much that he could assert some right over her, but he couldn't. He was powerless.

This time, amidst promises of keeping in touch, Junsu deleted her number from his phonebook and stopped stalking her online. He'd let go, he told himself and the world, he did not long for her anymore.

He succeeded in fooling everyone – even himself.

So he dated. He went out with this girl who kept calling him, messaging him. They didn’t really get to see each other, other than those few times he did something for the company back in his country – times which were so few and he had to fly back to Japan that very evening or the next day. He forgot the poor girl's name one time too many; forgot to call even more; forgot to feel a thing. He went to bars, clubs, accompanied his Jaejoong Hyung and his friends more than a few times, and built up a tolerance for alcohol.

Junsu can now drink eight bottles of beer and not get drunk.

No one knew why he had been behaving like such. His band members would look at each other puzzled at his attitude. None of them knew that his heart broke each day. Not one saw through the façade he had built to keep everyone at bay. None of his band mates understood.

If he was perfectly honest, though, Junsu would admit to not understanding himself either. He knew he was hopelessly in love, but he'd never felt this way before in his life. Both his heart and mind were baffled.

It had been a year or so and he was still hung up, or hungover, actually.

He still longed and pined for that one person who didn’t want him. He tried to forget, did his best, too. But no matter how hard he tried she was all he could see the very moment he stepped into that music video venue. His eyes were glued to her form from then on out.

His heart yearned that she’d be the same. After all these time, he still did. He wanted her to see him too. Like he saw her, pictures, videos, or in person. That day, however, he wished he could unsee the touches and those smiles thrown across the room towards her from a certain person. He saw how they were entertained by the apple of his eye. He felt tears forcing their way out of his heart watching them. He rubbed his face to rid of whatever that could have escaped his suppression.

He forgot that he already had make up on.

Afterwards, he cooped up with his parents for the rest of his vacation. He didn’t talk to anyone except his family – okay, Hyukjae too. But whenever his best friend started mentioning Donghae and her, Junsu snapped and he’d hang up. It happened more than a few times until Hyukjae finally learned to not talk about his own band mate, else Junsu would stop talking to him entirely.

Going back to Japan, there were no more promises of keeping in touch.

And there was no more confusion in Junsu’s mind. He understood.

He finally understood that he cannot run away from the emotions he had harbored through time. He figured that once and for all – well as soon as possible – he had to make things right. By her. By him.

He'd have to try again; have put himself out there again; have to risk his heart if he wanted to be happy for the rest of his life again.

He slipped away from the group during their week long rest in Japan. He had his tickets – to and fro – booked. He did not tell anyone of his plans – well except her coordi, who'd probably tell Yoochun about it in a bit, but it didn't really matter. Donned in clothes that he hoped would successfully hide his identity - he needed to be unnoticed, wanted to not be seen as he took careful steps towards the building in which the awards ceremonies were to take place. He took a seat amidst the sea of spectators, like an ordinary man. He was an ordinary man today.

Just a man in love.

He watched as her name was called and she ambled up the stage. He was mesmerized as she gave the thanks to everyone who had helped her with her career. He heard his name.

He felt his heart swelling after such a long time.

He closed his eyes when she stepped to the backstage and waited until he heard her name being called once again. Truth be told, it took too much effort for Junsu to understand the conversations in this place. He only caught a few words or phrases that made sense to him. But his ears perked, and his senses became alert when the intro to one of her songs was played. He opened his eyes and anticipated the erratic beating of his heart. However, it was as if his heart stopped beating for a moment when she finally came back on stage. And then the entire world disappeared around him and her. She truly was the apple of his eye.

He loved her.

“Zhang Liyin,” was his greeting when he cornered her in the dressing room. Her coordi had let him in without a word – and with a smile and a wink for good measure. “Zhang Liyin.”

Said singer turned towards him. And then she visibly froze on the spot. She closed her eyes, tight, her breathing uneven.

Junsu approached her, slowly, carefully. It was as if she was a fragile treasure that would break if he was too abrupt. He stood at arm’s length and said her name once again.

“It’s been so long,” he began. “I’ve missed you.”

“Kim Junsu – or should I say Xiah-sshi?” her voice was soft when she responded to him. He only replied with a shake of his head. She knew what he liked to be called by her. He needn't say the words. “It’s been too long," she started again. "I was beginning to think that I would never see you again,” she smiled, eyes tearful – with a glint that Junsu could not name. “What happened? Why’d you disappear like that?” she asked, desperate.

“I love you.” He said that words that he’d been keeping deep in his heart for so long. He felt light – light headed but more so that a heavy burden he had been carrying was lifted from his shoulders. “I love you,” he repeated.

“Oppa – “

“I tried not to, God knows how hard I tried.” Junsu held her shoulders, he had to touch her, else he’d go insane. “Years ago, I said I like you, and that I might love you. But now, now I’m telling you that I am – for certain – so completely in love with you that I can’t – I don’t know what I’d do with my life you still say no.”

He knew that tears were rolling down his cheeks, mirroring her own, and he did not wait for her answer. He enveloped her in his warmth, his body famished for that feel of her against him. He said the words again, told her how much he’d loved her for years.

“Junsu Oppa, I…” she whispered to his ear, hesitant. "I thought I shouldn't so I said no. You were at the peak of your career and I felt like I would be more of a burden to you. I've been too dependent on you already... and then others showed interest. With Changmin Oppa, things were difficult; too little time to talk or see each other. We figured that if you don't feel that strongly for the person, it isn't worth the effort. So we decided to stop fooling ourselves. And I hoped you'd comeback. You didn't but I contined to wait. Even with Donghae Oppa always making his moves... he truly is charming, you know? And for a while I thought that maybe, just maybe, I could love him too. As you can see now, things didn't go as planned."

She pushed him off but held his hands in hers. “You see, Oppa," she said, as soft as a feather, lifting his hands to her lips. "I love you, too. I think I always have.” And arms wounded around his neck.

On that day everyone refers to as his second birthday, hand in hand they walked around the city. They walked towards their favorite place, atop a bridge by the Han river. They did not give a care about the world around them – it was their day pf celebration. They stopped bothering about disguises, only wrapped in thick woolen jackets to keep them warm. He kept their hands in his pants pocket because she forgot to bring mittens once again.

Hand in hand they walked. Still friends. But also lovers.



----------


(01/01/12)