That session with Dr. Kang was more draining than I thought it would be. I'm exhausted by the end of our 45 minute session and decide to take the long way home. I ride the subway all the way back to that rooftop storage room and sit outside the same thin, creaking metal door. None of the details have changed. The poor woodwork that covered the hole in the wall is still there, the door still slants a little inward from where people have tried to kicked it in, the blue paint on the outside even seems to have been preserved through time. The only things that have not withstood the test of time are the people in this stillborne memory. 

I peer down below from the small balcony and wonder who, if any one, helps the trash collectors in the evenings now. I see ahjumma who used to run Happy Convience Store has changed from a middle-aged Mrs. Jung to an old Mrs. Jung. I'll have to go pay her a visit later, I remind myself.

The story I couldn't bring myself to finish verbally in the doctor's office begins on autopilot in my mind. 

I'm brought back to that same scene when I was nine years old and Jung Tae is ignoring my calls. Usually he would wait for me at the bottom of the steps, but today was different. I couldn't even catch up to him. As soon as he heard my footsteps, he took off with twice the speed. "Jung Tae, you idiot!" I continued to shout. "That's not even in the direction of school! Aishhhh."

I didn't see Jung Tae for three whole days after that. When he came back home I scolded him for leaving me. "Do that again and I won't be here when you come back! I go to school now, you know! I have plenty of other friends who will let me sleep over if I ask! Or I could just go to one of those 24-hour saunas!" I said in between my tears. Jung Tae laughed and apologized over and over until I finally stopped crying. I think he even held me to sleep that night because I wouldnt let go of his sleeve.

"But Jung Tae oppa, aren't these the same clothes you were wearing the other day?" I asked the next morning when I could get a good look at him. "You fool, you didn't come home either? Where were you all this time? An internet cafe? How can you not even come check on your cute little dongsang for three whole days? Are those video games really that important?"

"Yah, Seol-Ga, don't you think it's a little too early to be yelling?" Yawned Jung Tae still half asleep. "And besides, didn't you cry enough last night? Do you really want to yell at me until you start crying again? My shirt is still wet from all your tears."

"Awh hush you big bully. No one told you to leave for three days. Do you know how worried I was?"

"How can you get any studying done if all you do is think about this oppa? Mind your own business Soda."

God, how I used o hate it back then but would I do anything now to hear him call me Soda. As if it wasn't enough that he was the one who named me Seol-Ga, but any time he called me Soda I would become an immediate puppy dog and bend to his will. Aside from the similarities between the proor pronunciation of Seol-Ga and soda, Jung Tae started calling me Soda when he caught me stealing some Pepsi and Cola from his bookbag one day. Up until that point all I had been drinking was water from the sink of the Happy Convience Store down below. The first taste of soda had me addicted for months until I finally got a stomach ache and vomitted from drinking too much soda at once. That memory made me laugh as I recalled how much puke I had to clean up off the Happy Convience Store before Ahjumma Jung came back from feeding her chickens that she kept secretly in the back.

Even then I didn't realize how much Jung Tae hid from me. How does a 11 year old know how to lie in order to protect someone? Jung Tae would always cover up his mysterious disappearances and mask his secrets with smiles and lame jokes. And when he couldn't distract me with those, he'd call me Soda and make me cry in embarassment instead.

Although he said he wouldn't, Jung Tae disappeared again a few weeks later. This time he was gone for a week. Then he disappeared again. And again. The trips seemed to get progressively longer with each return. And the excuses he made as to why he was absent became sloppier and sloppier.

"I wasn't feeling well."

"I went to stay with my mom."

"I just didn't feel like going to school for a while."

"I just fell asleep on the bus and didn't know my way back."

"Just stop bothering me Soda."

It wasn't until I became a little older that I realized all the little clues and gaps in his stories. And it wasn't until I was abandoned a second time that all his subtle hints of his true nature became clear.

Despite Jung Tae's poor excuses and volitaile presence in my life, he never missed an important date. Anytime I had a school meeting that was meant for my gaurdian, Jung Tae would show up and act as my brother with the excuse of my mother working overtime or being sick. Each time, he'd congratulate my high remarks with a treat. I must have been only 11 when he took me to the amusement park to celebrate getting into the same middle as he was attending. 

"Oppa, now I can ride the subway with you all the way! I don't have to get on or off two three stops early. And I can meet all your friends!" 

"You wouldn't like my friends." He retorted. "They're all tall, skinny and will treat you like crap. You shouldn't hang out with anybody. During breaks, come to my classroom to look for me. If you get out early, come to my classroom to look for me. Don't dilly-daddle. Don't wait around. The boys at my school are all mean."

"Jung Tae!"

"I'm serious. Don't befriend anyone. All you need is your oppa. Don't mind what the others will say about you--most of them come from rich families ad won't understand where you're coming from, got it?"

And with that warning, I spent my entire first year of middle school only looking at Jung Tae. All the other boys and girls must have thought I was a stuck up prick. But even if they did, I didn't mind--at the time, all I needed was Jung Tae oppa.

My first year of middle school must have been the most difficult for Jung Tae oppa. Even though he told me to come and wait at his classroom gate, he was always the one waiting at mine. No one ever thought anything of it because to everyone else, he really did look like my older brother. 

"Why isn't your brother talkative and bubbly like you, Seol-Ga? Do you guys have different mothers? Or different fathers, by chance?" Many of the girls would come up and ask me for help to get closer to my brother, but each time I sent them to him with good intentions, he'd send them right back with tears and disappointment. Pretty soon the same girls assumed I played dirty tricks  just so Jung Tae wouldn't like them.

As the years went on, Jung Tae and I grew closer and closer. We did everything together. It wasn't long until I followed him to the same high school. His secret mission trips became less frequent and he spent more time with me. I never had to feel lonely or scared walking home by myself. If I was in the library studying, Jung Tae was sure not to be too far dozing off somewhere. Maybe he knew it before I did, but that doesn't excuse the harsh way he left me.

"Ah, is it raining again?" I wondered as I wiped a wet drop from the tips of my cheeks. "Nope, just tears." I said aloud. "Wow, all this time and I'm still not over it? Lame. I'm lame." I brushed myself off and got up, walking away from the old empty rooftop house, catching the last bus to the heart of Seoul, to where I now reside.