"I've never done this before," I admit as I reluctantly make my way though the entryway of Dr. Kang's office door. 

"I would be surpised if you did," the doctor smiles back. He's got a friendly auroa about him, I guess that's one of the requirements of becoming a psychiatrist. His smile streches perfectly from the left outer corner of his sharp eyes to the right outer eye corner. I've never seen a more symetrical face. I'm sure it helps his patients settle in. "Would you like some tea to calm your nerves," he asks.

I politiely decline and shake my head no. I'm already at ease. His office is arranged in a way that seems to negate all the fears I listed on my patient-in-take form. The large room is well lit with four giant windows that stretch from top to bottom across the backside. They encase a magnificent view of endless green rolling hills of the quiet town just outside the busy borders of Seoul. Strangely, there are no trees in this scenery, only fields of sunflowers and buckwheet flowers were there aren't. Beyond them I catch a glimpse of some tiny splash. There's a small pond that feeds into what looks to be a larger stream behind it. I get lost in analyzing the scene and it isn't until the doctor speaks again that I remember where I am.

 "You can take a seat if you would like," the doctor suggests. He pulls on of his fancy leather seats towards me. "How would you like to start?" He asks as he takes out a blank yellow pad and uncaps his pen.

I turn the seats to face the window before situating myself in it. "I guess from the beginning, " I reply.

Four Years Old

The first face I remember is Jung Tae's. It must have been raining when he found me because I remember him dragging my limp body from the streets into a cold one-room house and telling me to quickly undress so he could dry them. The room was dim with the only light entering from the small hole in the wall that resembled some kind of window. It wasn't much warmer in there than it was outside, but at least this way we were absent of the howling wind. I remember shivering for a long time before Jung Tae dressed me in of his some old worn out clothes. How old was I then? Four? Five maybe? What was I doing on the streets alone at night? Where were my parents? Ah, I was so dizzy. I must have fallen in a deep sleep because I didn't see Jung Tae for a long time after that. 

The next time I saw Jung Tae, he was dressed in a dirty red t-shirt that was more than twice his size. I would have thought it to be a dress if I had seen it on a girl instead of Jung Tae. Beneath the long shirt showed signs of his scrawny legs in faded blue jeans that were a length too long for shorts but too short to be pants. It was amazing how those small jeans could still fit around the circumfrence of his waist. Behind him he carried a suitcase of supplies. Clothes, buckets, a set of blankets and pillow, a half used tube of toothpaste and a tiny soap bar, thr basic necessities of a home. "Follow me," he ordered.

Happy to have interaction with anyone since my awakening, I did as I instructed and followed him out the door.

"This is where you get water when I'm not around," he pointed to a rusty faucet sprouting from the floor of the roof. "And when you have to use the restroom, go down the stairs and ask the ahjumma at the convience store if you can use hers. If it's closed, you have to walk down that way to the subway station to use theirs," he motioned towards the busy street. "And lock the door when you go inside your house. Don't open it unless you hear my voice. Got it?"

I stared at him blankly before starting to sniffle. Every thing he told me seemed to go in one ear and out the other. My stomach growled. I felt like I hadn't ate in days. I couldn't concentrate. I finally burst into tears from my frustration.

"Yah, what's wrong? Like this, see? You turn the faucet off and on like this," the young boy demonstrated how to twist the knob to the left and right. Try as he might, I continued to cry. The tears flowed endlessly as I realized that what his words truly meant. I was all alone. He wasn't my brother and he probably had no idea where my parents were. Was he going to leave me too?

I felt a warm pat on the top of my head. The touch rotated in a counterclockwise direction. The surprsing motion distracted me enough to calm my tears. 

"See?" The young boy smiled as he continued to carress my head. "Like this. I turned off your water works."

---

Six Years Old

I still sleep in that single-room house, if you can even call it that. I hear some adults down at the convience store refer to it as an old storage room that the owner of the building used before he realized that it would be cheaper and safer for tenants to have their own tiny storage in ther units due to all the petty theft that goes on around these parts. You have to march up six flights of wobbly stairs that zig-zag across the outer walls of actual apartments before you can open my thin metal door, but it makes it all worth it since the owner doesnt make the effort to come up here anymore to check on its condition--it makes rent virtually free.

Jung Tae lives in the building too. He never lets me come over to play though. I think he's embarassed of playing with a girl all the time. We often play in my room or walk our busy street looking for anything we can collect or trade in for spare coins. Sometimes we get lucky enough to find lost quarters on the concrete.

Our street is filthy due to the constant foot traffic and low maintainence during the day. It gets so busy that the trash cans get filled up by noon and afterwards, passer-byers just start throwing the trash in the general direction towards the bins. Jung Tae taught me to scavenge the trash at night before the trash-men come clean it up, but I found it to be easier to compromise with the trash-men. I pick up the trash throughout the day to lighten their workload and the trash-men give me a couple dollars at the end of the night.

When I go down to the convience store to mop the floors in exchange for food, the people who refer to the storage room refer to me as Storage Girl. No one knows my real name...not even me. Jung Tae oppa started calling me Seol-Ga instead and told me to tell people my name is Seol-Ga when they ask what SG on my nametag stands for. I still don't have a surname, but he said I don't deserve one unless I go to school--but I can't go to school because I don't have parents to register me. If I want parents Jung Tae tells me I should go to the orphange, but I'm afraid if I go to the orphange I won't get to see him anymore, so, I chose not to have a surname. Instead, Jung Tae oppa told me he would come every day after school to teach me what he learns. Some days he forgets to come, but I don't mind. He keeps me busy with books from the library to make up for it. 

 

Jung Tae oppa patched up the window-hole when he finally got tall enough to reach it. Even though he's skinny, he is tall for his age. He tells me he can't gain more circumference because he uses all his energy to grow taller instead.

With the window-hole patched up, there is no natural light that makes it into my room during the day. It's not a problem during the summer months, I just keep the door open when I read my books. There's enough light from the street lamp that makes it in during the long hours of the night, too. As winter came, it became more troublesome to keep the front door open for the light come in. The house temperature drops 15 degrees in the winter, but I'm terrified of the dark, so I leave it open anyway. Jung Tae found out about the unsafe measures when I caught a cold the first few nights, yelled at me, and made sure I closed the door every night before he returned to his apartment somewhere below. A few days later, he visited with a giant flashlight. He said he could hear me crying at night from his apartment below.

"Keep it on all night," he warned. "That way I know you're home and you're not scared, fradey-cat."

I don't tell him, but after he brings me the flashlight, I heard crying at night too. It comes faintly from the floor below. I wonder if it's because that kid is scared of the dark too.

---

Eight Years Old

Sometimes I wake up next to Jung Tae. His warm hand is wrapped around mine as if I would get blown away if he let go. Every time I see him in the mornings I get so excited--that means we get to have morning school lessons too! He never lets me go over to his house to learn the new material even though it would we warmer there. All I have is the flashlight and blankets for warmth. But he jokes that it's warmer in my rooftop penthouse than it is in his apartment.

Soon enough I learn that I can register for school myself if I can get the nice ahjumma down at the convience store to pretend to be my gaurdian. I tell her I'll work overtime straightening up the store and handling all the dirty work if she signs some papers for me. She smiles and agrees. Jung Tae isn't too happy when he sees the signed papers. He says the kids at school are mean and he doesn't want to have to protect me--but I tell him I'll protect him instead. 

---

Nine Years Old

"Jung Tae-ah!" I shouted as I ran to catch up to him. "Yah! Wait for me! Yah! Yah! Are you starting to walk faster?!? Jung Tae!" No matter how many times I called out to him that day, no matter how loud I shouted, not once did he turn around.

I didn't see him for a few days after that. He's disappeared more and more frequently since I've started learning at school and on my own. I think he's jealous because I'm making new friends.

---

I panic. I'm short of breath as I recall this scene to the doctor. The image of the broad chest and shoulders of just a eleven year old boy haunt me. I didn't realize it then, but looking back it was the first time I realized that Hong Jung Tae wasn't invincible, and that he too had his own fears. There is a long pause before I can regain my composure.

"I don't want to talk about this anymore," I whisper to Dr. Kang, twittling my thumbs.

He returns my request with yet another one of his sly smiles. "That's completely fine. We don't have to talk about anything until you're ready. You've already made a lot of progress just by walking in here and telling me bits of your life story. Thank you."

I sit there stunned. I wonder if he will always say thank you after I share my stories.

"But I do have one question for you, Seol-Ga-shhi, do you... do you have any memories without Jun Tae?"

I hesitate. "No. None."