Genre(s): Family and slice of life

Status: Completed

Graded or Nongraded: Graded

Focus: Overall Enjoyment



Title {3/5} 
The title accurately describes the story and the plot, but it’s not catchy or attention-grabbing. It wouldn’t make readers excited to click on the title. It’s very simple and doesn’t provide much excitement or mystery.

I think there could be more fun elements added to the title, especially since your story involves a child. Titles like Daddy Daycare, Cheaper by the Dozen, and Finding Nemo are examples of titles that focus on kids and use a bit of fun and mystery to entice the audience.

Description and Foreword {6/10} 
The Description is the same as the title. It tells the readers what the story will be about, but it’s kinda meh. I can see the set-up of the story and the conflict in the final question, but I think the Description needs more substance, mystery, or attitude. Perhaps you can also hint towards what is at stake for Sehun so that there is some tension in your Description. It will leave your readers wanting to know what will happen in the story.

Next, I don’t think that the excerpt in the Foreword is necessary. It doesn’t provide anything new, especially since the plot is already outlined in the Description and even the title. Excerpts should add to the mystery or provide a new twist that would make the meaning of the Description of the title different.

Finally, there are some small grammar concerns. In this one line, we have a misused colon and a fragment:

Oh Sehun, the not-so-perfect husband and not really the best father out there; he barely has time for his family, being the busy CEO he is.

A semicolon can be used as a connector for two sentences. Here is an example: “She went to the beach; she wanted to see the sea”. As you can see, there are two sentences in the example: “she went to the beach” and “she wanted to see the sea”. The sentences are complete in thought and have connecting ideas, so a semicolon used between them to provide a slight pause and show connected ideas.

In the excerpt from your Description, the semicolon is connecting a fragment and a complete sentence. A fragment is an incomplete sentence. It does not have a complete, clear thought.

You have two options to remedy the grammatical issue above: (1) replace the semicolon with a different punctuation mark or (2) complete the fragment. Here are two corrected versions of the excerpt using the solutions given:

(1) Oh Sehun, the not-so-perfect husband and not really the best father out there, barely has time for his family, being the busy CEO he is.

(2) Oh Sehun is not a perfect husband and not really the best father out there; he barely has time for his family, being the busy CEO he is.

Plot {21/30}
I like that more than just the plot of getting stuck with a child for seven days, it also tackles insecurity and being a good father. It’s definitely a good break from all of the romance drama stories that AFF is b with. The story also follows a simple story format and has enough stakes to keep the tension going throughout the plot. The main concerns that I ran into were (1) repetitive story point and (2) unaddressed conflicts.

Firstly, there is a repeating conflict when it comes to Hansol. In the first chapter, Hansol gets lost in a zoo. Third chapter Hansol gets lost in a supermarket. Then he gets lost in Sehun’s office. Finally, Sehun loses him again at the beach. Though the last one had a “twist” [although too weak to really call it a twist], the story point of Hansol getting lost has become cliche and boring at that point. There are still so many other plot points or opportunities for Sehun and Hansol to bond that doesn’t involve Hansol getting lost and Sehun trying to find him. Parents can experience a variety of different issues regarding their children. It doesn’t have to be tied to losing their child. For example, Hansol can have problems connecting with his peers, a problem with dependency on his mother, a problem with separation anxiety, a problem with focusing in school, or even a problem with listening to orders. There are so many other ways that you could have gone through and make a stronger bond between father and son.

Next, I think that though the story does go through the notions of Sehun slowly becoming more family-oriented, it didn’t really explore or put to rest the conflict of Sehun and Sarang’s failing marriage or Sarang’s unhappiness. Sehun only apologized in Chapter 6 without hearing out Sarang’s struggles or finding a solution together [you know, that isn’t just taking care of Hansol]. I think the story had an opportunity to also tackle the topic of failing marriages, and it would have rounded out Sehun’s character and his development.

I wish that there was more to Sehun and Sarang’s conversation in Chapter 6. No one, especially not a mother, just leaves her family behind without a good reason. Sarang must have felt a lot of hurt, to the point that she couldn’t bear it anymore. That’s a good internal conflict that could have been tackled and addressed.

Seeing the flashbacks, it’s obvious that Sehun had made many mistakes in the past and all he did was say empty promises and apologize. Because nothing had changed and they never talked or addressed the problems in the present, it seems as if Sehun’s apologies are insincere. You’re not tackling the root of the problem. You’re only cutting out leaves. The problem of their marriage and relationship isn’t solved. It’s just put on hold for the time being. I think this could have been remedied by Sehun and Sarang actually talking about their marriage and Sehun showing actions to fulfill the promises that he had made before.

Though Hansol and Sehun’s relationship is solved, it doesn’t feel like Sehun and Sarang’s is. We’re missing that critical moment where the two can straighten out their conflict. It’s sort of funny to me that Sehun and Jongin in Chapter 7 even had a better heart to heart talk than Sehun and Sarang did.

Character Development {8/15}
For characters, I think that you started something good with focusing the story on internal conflicts and showing Sehun’s insecurities. However, I felt that there conflicts that weren’t addressed as effectively, if addressed at all.

1. Sehun

I like that it’s clear that Sehun started as this uncaring father who pays more attention to work than to family. There’s a starting point and a clear journey that Sehun has to go through to become better.

One of things that I wish was covered was a reason behind Sehun’s workaholic tendencies. Why did he chose work over his family? It was mentioned in the first chapter that he didn’t see much of his parents because they were trying to make ends meet. This doesn’t seem to be the case with Sehun as he isn’t having a hard time with money or living expenses. On the contrary, it was never shown that Sehun or Sarang had a hard time trying to raise bills or have money.

Sehun’s reason to care for Hansol was convoluted at the start. It was obvious that he was only going along with caring for Hansol because he loves Sarang. It’s fine that it started out that way. It shows how the lack of time that he spent with Hansol made him distant to his own son. Nearing the end of it though, I don’t think it was addressed and solved fully. I wish that there was more introspection from Sehun regarding his change in reasoning to care for Hansol. It’s very different from how he found caring for Hansol a chore to him becoming more open and caring towards his son.

He’s very impatient and I think that he has a problem with always wanting to be in control. It’s also obvious that he battles with insecurities and always compares himself to others.

I like that we get to see glimpses of his insecurities regarding Jongin, his father, and his past. I do wish that these were tied together more

I like that Sehun slowly became friends with Jongin and got rid of his insecurity regarding him. There was an exploration on why Sehun disliked Jongin and there was a journey to change that. The pacing of Sehun’s development on this matter was just right.

2. Hansol

My main gripe with Hansol is that he’s supposed to be only four years old, but he does not act like a realistic four year-old kid. If I didn’t know that he was 4 years old, I would have thought that he was somewhere around 7-9 years old (except for Chapter 1). In Chapter 1, it is mentioned that Hansol cannot even read yet, but he was able to use a phone and call his mother at 7 AM in the morning? How was he able to navigate through a phone to call his mother if he can’t even read yet? Hansol says that he knows his alphabets, but that doesn’t translate to reading comprehension, especially when the text has a contraction (“you’ll”) and a difficult word (“survive”). The word “survive” is a difficult word to say for a four year-old, let alone understand what it means. In Chapter 7, he used the word “language” which, again, apart from the fact that it’s hard to say for a four year-old, is a concept that would be hard for a four year-old to even understand.

I get that Hansol can be a smart kid, but this doesn’t mean being able to have comprehension well beyond his years and understand difficult, abstract concepts. Kids can be smart, but there is a difference between being mature or knowledgeable and being unnaturally smart. I think that Hansol’s smartness can be shown in a different way, like being very observant, empathetic, curious and able to connect things logically, etc.

There was a personality change in Chapter 6 when Hansol went into Sehun’s office. In the initial chapters, he’s very bratty and mischievous. In Chapter 6, he’s suddenly very bright, friendly, and polite. The shift in his character wasn’t done naturally or organically. It would have been great to see a gradual shift in his personality, from being cold or bratty to slowly understanding and opening up to Sehun.

3. Sarang

I honestly don’t understand Kim Sarang. She mentions how much she wants Sehun to be there for her and give her his time, but in Chapter 3 when Sehun went to her in her mother’s house, she brushed him off and was cold to him in front of their son. That was a complete contradiction of her narration where she said that she needed him and wanted to see him after a long day. She gets mad at Sehun, then, in a flash, she’s smiling at him again. Her shifts in attitudes and personality could be done smoother.

Her character feels a bit shallow, especially since we don’t really get to know her that well. It’s definitely a shame since Sarang is the one who kickstarts the story by dumping Hansol on Sehun and leaving. Throughout the story, she’s shown to be someone who has suffered a lot as a result of Sehun’s workaholic personality, and I believe that her relationship with Sehun and even with Hansol suffered a lot. We could have read a great development her if her conflict was addressed and given enough space to really play out. Sehun could have talked to