i was listening to niall's this town on christmas day and this happened. sorry

when sunggyu had broken up with woohyun last year he had been so sure it was the best decision for them. their relationship had become heavy, they barely talked with each other and when they did they fought almost every time. he couldn't remember the last time they laughed together, the last time they said i love you to each other, or even the last time they actually made an effort to be together, to understand each other. they became distant and the longer that distance grew they looked more like strangers living together than actual boyfriends.

and there was a time when sunggyu wanted to propose to woohyun, but then all that turned into him wanting to get away from that house, to get away from woohyun, and it wasn't even the other man's fault, it was just the relationship that wasn't working and they just let it go too far and when they tried to mend it was too late. it always felt like he was suffocating, that every time he looked at woohyun or they tried to have small talk during the few times they had dinner together it was just another confirmation that their relationship was dead, that somewhere along the way they lost each other and they didn’t realize it until they couldn’t find their way back.

now a year later sunggyu is sure that was the worst decision he's ever made in his life.

now sunggyu realizes he should've fought for woohyun. he should've fought for what they had, and if in the end this was still how it went at least he could say that they tried. but they quit without putting up a fight, he quit.

after he left their house he had been miserable, of course he was. woohyun was the love of his life, he was the one that knew him better than anyone else, he was his best friend in the whole world. woohyun was his person and suddenly woohyun wasn't there anymore. he'd left the person he loved the most in the world, he had quit the best thing in his life and he couldn't forgive himself for that.

the only times he got out of the house was to go to work, and when he came back he barely ate and spent his time in bed. he didn't even unpack his boxes, he couldn't bring himself to do it because once he did it would be the realization that all of this was real. and if he went back to the apartment building they used to live in and just stared at the door of their apartment and cried on days he hit rock bottom no one really needs to know.

he was like that for a while, and it took him a lot of nagging from his friends, and sungjong actually dragging out of the house once — pajamas still on and everything —, to actually make him sort of get his together. he started eating better and going out a little with his friends sometimes, but he still couldn't unbox his things — and a year later he still hasn't.

he was doing considerably okay until he saw woohyun, at a pub they used to go when they were still dating, with a guy he assumed was his boyfriend. the guy had his arm around woohyun and they were both laughing at something the later said, probably something lame, sunggyu assumes.

he didn't even realize he was staring until woohyun's eyes caught his and suddenly it's like time was frozen and he couldn't move. his heart is racing and all he wants is to go to woohyun and tell him how much of an idiot he was and that he still loves him more than he can put into to words, but all he does is run away from there as fast as possible and cry himself to sleep once he gets home.

that was two months ago.

now sunggyu is still the same heart broken idiot, the difference is that now he’s drinking himself numb at a pub on christmas eve. that’s all he’s good for these days anyway, even the bartender knows him by name. they developed a weird friendship, and he’s actually the only person sunggyu talks about how he really feels and how much he ed up the amazing life he had, the kind of conversations he doesn’t really have with his friends or family because he doesn’t want to admit to them that it’s all his fault. maybe it’s the alcohol talking or maybe it's the fact that it’s always easier to talk with a stranger, but he does it and sometimes it makes him feel better and other times it makes him feel worse and wanting to drink himself to unconsciousness.

junhyung, the bartender, asked him once what went wrong with him and woohyun and he was lost for words because he wasn’t able to tell. he doesn’t know if time wore them out or if they were so busy with themselves they forgot about each other, all he knows is that he was tired and he felt like there was no point in fighting for something that was already broken. he did what you do when you break something, you don’t bother fixing it, you just put it in the trash and forget about it, and that was sunggyu’s biggest mistake. he should’ve gotten hold of their relationship and tried put it together as many times as it needed until they were okay.

“maybe you’ve had enough for today, buddy,” junhyung says taking his glass away.

“give me that!” sunggyu grumbles and he barely manages to sound understandable. “and we’re not buddies. don’t you have clients to serve?”

“not really, no. it’s christmas eve and you’re the only loser here.”

“cheers,” sunggyu replies downing the rest of the contents in his glass. “how much more do you think i have to drink until i pass out?”

“i don’t know and we’re not gonna find out,” junhyung says in a serious tone, the one he uses when sunggyu as cross the line with his drinking. "i'm not giving you anymore alcohol so you can put that glass way," he warns.

junhyung keeps his word and doesn’t serve him any more alcohol, all he gives him is a bottle of water sunggyu is resting his head on singing the stupid song he used to sing to woohyun every damn time. that damn “how long will i love you” song. 

what a ing curse!

woohyun used to be obsessed with that song, telling sunggyu that was the song they would have their first dance to when they got married, so sunggyu started singing it to his boyfriend at random times and as a way to remind woohyun how much he loved him. now he sang it when he hit rock bottom and felt like hurting himself a little bit more, which was every day.

“why are you always singing that song?” the bartender asks him after ten minutes of sunggyu mumbling it.

sunggyu lifts his head from the counter and looks at him. “it’s woohyun’s favorite song. or at least it was when we were together, maybe now i ruined it for him.”

“call someone to come pick you up, i have to close the pub.”

sunggyu can only manage to nod and doesn’t make an effort to actually move and leave, so junhyung takes his phone and calls someone. he can’t catch the name of the person he called, but he hopes it isn’t sungjong or else he won’t hear the end of it.

he thinks he might have fallen asleep because the next thing he remembers is someone picking him up and carrying him out of the pub. he thinks he hears woohyun’s voice but then it probably just his imagination tricking him yet again, he’s too tired to lift his head and open his eyes and at this point it could be a random stranger and he wouldn’t even care. but then the person sits him on the passenger side of their car and cups his face softly, rubbing one of their thumbs on his cheek and he just knows it’s woohyun.

“what are you doing with yourself?” and woohyun sounds sad and sunggyu wishes had enough strength to leave right now.

“i’m sorry,” sunggyu mumbles and he’s not sure if woohyun even heard it.

the last thing he remembers is woohyun kissing the top of his head and closing the door.

when he wakes up he looks at the watch on his wrist to check the time before realizing he's not home, and it takes him an additional five seconds to remember what happened last night and how woohyun had been the one to pick him up at the pub, and he makes a mental note to kill junhyung later.

he looks around and their room is exactly how it was when he left, the picture of them together in tuscany still on their nightstand along with all the stuff sunggyu left behind and never found the strength to come pick up.

what is he even doing here? why didn’t woohyun left him at one of their friends place or ask them to come pick him up instead?

it’s when he gets out of the room and sees the decoration of the whole room that he remembers it’s christmas day and that he probably ruined woohyun’s christmas too.

“well done, you up,” sunggyu tells himself.

he still had his clothes on so he could just leave without woohyun knowing, could avoid a very awkward meeting and just go, but he couldn't move. he couldn’t bring himself to just leave when this could be his only chance to understand what happened with them.

he looks for the younger man but he's nowhere to be seen, so he sits on the couch and waits for woohyun. he waits and waits but it’s already dark outside and there’s no sign of woohyun, his stomach is grumbling reminding him he had nothing to eat the whole day and he figures woohyun doesn’t want to deal with him so he decides he did enough waiting and heads to the door.

his phone starts buzzing again in his pocket, he takes it out to see who it is and considers not answering it when he sees it’s his mom. 

“where have you been, kim sunggyu?” she yells into his ear as soon as he answers the phone. “we’ve been trying to reach you the whole day and no one knew where you were. you promised you’d spend christmas day with us and you never showed up,” the yelling stops and sunggyu is thankful. “what’s going on with you?” and this time her tone has worry written all over it.

“i’m okay, mom. i just had a rough night and i ended up sleeping the whole day,” he’s not really lying but he still feels bad for not telling her the whole truth.

“you went out drinking again, didn’t you?” even if she didn’t meant it her tone is harsh and judgmental and sunggyu can’t really blame her for that.

he goes quiet after that and she sighs. “you need to stop, son. you ed up, get over it! own up to your mistakes and move on, stop letting it eat you alive and stop letting it dictate your life! i love you and it hurts me to see you killing yourself little by little.”

they stay quiet for a while because what can sunggyu say to that?

they say their goodbyes with sunggyu making yet another empty promise that he will get better, and when he turns around woohyun is staring at him.

“how long have you been there?” sunggyu asks as if had any right to make that question when this is not even his house anymore.

“long enough to see you lie to your mom about why you didn’t go spend christmas day with them,” woohyun says and it’s like knifes coming out of his mouth and piercing sunggyu as slow as they can.

“i’ll be going,” is all sunggyu as to answer. “i shouldn’t have stayed this long.”

“then why did you?”

sunggyu thinks about lying but he has nothing to lose anymore, “i was waiting for you. i foolishly thought we could talk, maybe even repair our relationship somehow, but forget it, i’m being stupid,” sunggyu is almost at the door when he feels dizzy and almost falls.

“have you eaten at all today?” woohyun asks but sunggyu ignores him and starts putting his shoes on. “are you listening to me, ?”

“i’m not your problem anymore, hyun!" he says, voice rising more that he intended to. "i’ll be going.”

“why are you so stupid?” the younger man yells unexpectedly and sunggyu turns to face him. “you’re my problem. you’re always gonna be my problem because no matter how much i try to hate you and put all the blame on you, i still love you and i still care about you.”

they are both just staring at each other and sunggyu doesn’t know what to say or if he even should say anything.

“you left me and i was too stupid to run after you, to try and make things right because i didn’t want to admit that we were both at fault for the state our relationship reached. i don’t know what happened to us, i wish i did because if i did i could make it right, we could make it work, but i don’t,” he says and sunggyu can see the tears in his eyes. “and all i have left is this undying love for you that just won’t leave no matter what i do.”

sunggyu feels tears fall down his face and quickly wipes them. “i’m sorry,” sunggyu says again and he could spend his whole life apologizing to the man in front of him and it still wouldn’t be enough. “i saw us breaking but i was too afraid to do something and i wanted to try and fix us, i really did, but in the end i was a coward and just left. you were the best thing that ever happened to me and i let you go.”

“what happened to us?”

“i don’t know,” sunggyu answers truthfully. “maybe we took each other for granted. maybe we were too focused on ourselves that we forgot each other along the way and we were too dumb to find our way back home.”

before sunggyu can even do anything the younger man is walking towards him and hugging him. his hugging him so tight it feels like sunggyu might suffocate but he doesn’t care. “i miss you," he admits. "i can’t sleep without you next to me and i still make meals for two every ing day,” woohyun says against the crook of his neck. “it’s like you took a part of me when you left and nothing feels right. you’re my home sunggyu,” the younger admits. “you’ve always been, since we we’re ten years old and you told me i looked stupid in my santa costume in the middle of spring.”

sunggyu laughs and hugs the other man as tight as he can and tries not to cry too much against his shoulder.

for the first time in a long while sunggyu feels happy. he feels like he’s whole again and he’s afraid that everything will go back to the moment he lets go of woohyun, so he just stays like that for a long, long while, breathing in the scent he missed so much, feeling his warmth and how perfectly they fit together.

“you can let go sunggyu, i’m not going anywhere,” woohyun says.

sunggyu nods but he still can't find it in himself to let go and woohyun just lets him be.

“i should probably go,” sunggyu says after woohyun made him something to eat. “i have to go home and your boyfriend is probably wondering where you are.”

woohyun forces himself not to laugh but he fails completely. “what?”

“the guy you were with that time i saw you at the pub,” sunggyu says and he doesn’t dare himself look at the other man.

“ah, that guy,” woohyun says. “i was just on a date. sungjong made me do it, but that was it. i’m not seeing anyone, no one is ever good enough. none of them are you,” he confesses and he puts his hand and on top of sunggyu’s and caresses it.

the older man looks up and woohyun is looking at him with a smile he’s not really sure he deserves. “what do we do now?”

“we try," he says simply as if it was the most obvious answer in the world. "we try and we give our best to make it work again. it’s gonna be okay, sunggyu. ” the younger man reassures him.

things don’t just magically go away and all the problems they had won’t just simply start vanishing, but they’ll work and they’ll do everything differently and they will make it because they are sunggyu and woohyun and they are meant to be, they’ve always been.

“merry christmas, woohyun,” sunggyu says softly pinching the others nose.

“it’s past midnight already, idiot.”

“still,” the older male shrugs.

woohyun laughs and entwines their fingers together, “merry christmas, you idiot.”