Last Christmas

Tao sat in his apartment, alone. When he looked out of the window he could see the rich decorated streets, full of people buying late Christmas presents. He smiled and his head was filled with memories of his past Christmases when he wasn’t alone. Back when he was still a part of exo and they were still complete, he never spent a Christmas alone. He would spend a few days with his family and a lot more days with exo. But now he had neither.

He could call Luhan, since they actually still had contact, but as soon as he got his phone to call Luhan, he put it down. Luhan would spend his Christmas secretly Sehun, and Tao had no plans of being a third wheel nor intruding their plans, which they had made weeks before, and Tao knew them by heart since he listened to Luhan talking about it 24/7.

He sat down on his bed as more memories filled his head and it didn’t take long until he was silently crying. He missed everyone, but most of all, he missed Kris. Taking his phone out again, he sought in his gallery for pictures he kept, in secret. Pictures of him and Kris. Pictures of the good old days when they were happy. When the only problem they had was the company, but they could handle that problem since they were together.

With each picture he saw, the harder he cried. He knew he shouldn’t do this to himself, but he couldn’t stop it. It made him feel like he wasn’t alone and at the same time even more alone. When he reached the last picture of them together, he had decided what he would do. He would go and find Kris to spend Christmas together.

After a bit of research, he found out where he was staying. It wasn’t too hard, honestly. The male had had a fanmeeting at a hotel not too far from where he was staying at the moment and he read that he would be staying there for a few more days.

He called his manager with the thought that he would book him a room, but just as he picked up Tao remembered that he wouldn’t allow him to stay there, because his manager would know why he would want to go there. “Yes, Tao? Can I help you?” the voice said through the phone. Tao shook his head, not that his manager could see it, but replied: “Ah, no. I just wanted to ask what you were doing this Christmas.” Tao knew it was strange to ask this of his manager, but it would have been even stranger if he just hung up.

“I’m going out with my family, why are you asking Tao?” his manager replied. “No reason, have fun!” he quickly said and hung up. The next number he dialed was the hotel himself, booked himself a room which was near Kris’ room. The receptionist didn’t want to tell him where Kris was staying, saying something about privacy rules, but when Tao reminded her who he was and that he really needed to talk to Kris she helped him.

The trip by train took an hour and he had to use his google maps to find the hotel, but with a little bit of help, he found his destination. When he finished unpacking his things and sat down on his bed he realized something. It was almost dinner time. Which meant the first Christmas day was almost over. He bit the inside of his cheek. Another Christmas day alone.

He looked in the mirror and saw someone he never expected to see. It wasn’t someone he recognized as himself. Years ago, when he looked in the mirror, he would see a boy that had many dreams and goals, and even though he met some struggles along the way, he wouldn’t give up. Now, looking in the mirror, years later, he saw a man that grew up and got lonely along the way, losing everyone, one by one.

He closed his eyes and breathed in and out for a few times. He should do it now. He should go to Kris and talk, to make sure he wouldn’t spend his last Christmas alone.

When he knocked on room 24, the door didn’t open. He had expected it. Back then Kris would tell Tao that he shouldn’t open the door if he didn’t expect anyone. But Kris wasn’t Tao and he knew that Kris would open the door eventually, so he knocked another time. This time he heard stumbling from inside, telling him that there was someone coming to open the door.

When he heard that the door got unlocked he found himself wanting to run away, but he didn’t. He didn’t get more time to think about it because a few seconds later, he was face to face with the man he missed a lot, with who he wanted to spend his Christmas but never did. Tao smiled full hope to the man but Kris didn’t react good. The door would have closed right in Tao’s face if he hadn’t stopped it with his feet. He heard Kris sigh but the door slowly opened.

“What are you doing here, Tao?” was the first thing Kris said to him. This time Tao smiled sadly. After all those painful days, weeks, months without him was this the first thing Kris said to him. He couldn’t have expected anything else. Tao had been mad at Kris for leaving exo and Kris in return was mad at him for not understanding, especially after he left himself. But it was enough, hearing his voice in reality was way more than he could have dreamt of, and it was way better than listening to his voice in the youtube videos.

“Can I come in?” His voice cracked halfway but it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered to him at this point, only that he could finally see Kris again. Kris didn’t reply but let him go inside, walking to the living room, implying that he should follow him. But when Kris sat down, Tao didn’t. “Kris,” Tao began, even though Kris shot him a look that clearly said he shouldn’t.

“I’m so sorry. I know this apology can’t make up for what I screamed at you when you told me you wanted to leave. It won’t make up for the times I slapped you, the times I didn’t want to listen to you nor will it make up for the times I talked so badly about you leaving, even though I did the same thing later. I should have been there for you, but I wasn’t. I was too mad to understand that you couldn’t handle it anymore, that you had it way worse than me. You did so much for me but I didn’t do anything for you. I’m so sorry.”

Tao had started crying while apologizing, and when he finished what he wanted to say he cried even harder. He was too afraid to look up, too afraid for Kris’ reacting. Kris didn’t say anything, but a minute or two later he felt someone sitting on the floor next to him. Somewhere in between crying and talking he had fallen to his knees, only realizing it now, Kris was sitting next to him. He slowly looked up but immediately looked down after looking in Kris' eyes.

He clearly wasn’t happy to see him, nor was he mad at him. His eyes displayed emotions Tao couldn’t understand when he slowly put Tao on the couch. Tao slowly started to cry less and Kris walked to the kitchen, to return a few seconds later with a glass of water. In contrast to all his expectations sat Kris down next to him. Tao gladly took the glass of water and his breathing calmed down. They sat next to each other for a long time without saying anything, but they slowly leaned closer to each other, only realizing this as their shoulders touched, but they both didn’t do anything against it. The opposite happened. Tao laid his head on Kris’ shoulder and Kris slowly put his arm around him. When Tao realized that Kris wasn’t going to push him away anytime soon he closed his eyes and breathed in and out, slowly, feeling peaceful. He knew that Kris didn’t accept his apology, but at least he let him stay, and that was enough for him.

Kris had left a few months ago and nothing was as it was before, but they tried to make the best of it. Most members were able to live on, even though it had left a scar on them. They lost one of their members. One of the members they relied the most on. But as the first month went by, they began to see that Kris wasn’t coming back and that they had to help themselves. They could do it. And so they did.

The members moved on one by one, never mentioning the name Kris nor touching any subject related to him, but they believed they had moved on. All except Tao. Kris had been his tower of strength. His hyung. His ge. The one he would go to when he was scared of a ghost or if there was a scary insect in his room. The one that would help him with his Korean or English, when he forgot the words once again and could only express himself in Chinese.

Tao tried to find what he found in Kris in the other members, but it wasn’t the same. Some would hug him, but only for a long time. When he would ask someone if they could wait for him to finish showering because he saw a ghost they would say no, since he was already mature enough to shower alone and to believe that ghosts weren’t real.

The Chinese speaking members did help him with translating, but they didn't have much time. But after three months Luhan began to see that Tao needed Kris, and that he was lost without him. So he began to help him. Tao had been so happy when Luhan helped him when he needed it the most, when he allowed him to sleep with him because he had nightmares and when he hugged him when he was crying about Kris. But then he left too.

Tao had been the second person to hear it, after Sehun. He broke down when Luhan told him. But he didn’t show the same reaction as when Kris told him. It wasn’t because he didn’t think of Luhan as less than Kris, but because Luhan had been calm when handling the whole situation. With Kris, it had been raw emotions he couldn’t control. So when Luhan waved goodbye to them, he decided to once more look at the other member for what he sought.

But they had survived the first member leaving, so they could survive the second member leaving too. All except Sehun. And Tao. So instead of searching for what he needed, he gave Sehun what he needed. A person who he could trust.

Tao and the other members weren’t going smoothly anymore. He would get into a lot of fights with them and was slowly distancing himself from them. Then he left for America. When he went to the dorm after coming back he didn’t go to any of the other members. He took his belongings from his room and went to Sehun. He explained everything to him, so when Sehun was crying in his arms the only thing he could do was hug him closer, whispering that he would survive.

He didn’t leave exo only because of his injuries or of the way SM acted. He wanted to go back to his family. But that didn’t end as he expected it to. When he returned home to his family it was nice. He would spend a lot of time with them and they would do a lot of fun things, but he began to feel restless. He did begin with solo work and it became hectic, which would make him more irritated, and since he still felt restless he also began having little fights with his family. Even though they started as little, they became bigger and bigger. (Now, if Tao looked back at that time, he would know why it didn’t work out.)

So, after a year he moved out again. Not that it really mattered because he became busier and busier with work, flying from one country to another and somewhere in between he would stay at a hotel. He had lost all his important people, one by one, he realised one night, alone in his hotel room.

“Tao, Tao.. Tao wake up.” He could hear his name being said clearer now and he slowly opened his eyes, looking right in Kris’ face. “Kris, I don’t want to spend this Christmas alone..” He said, and Kris just nodded, carrying him to the bedroom.

~ ~

When he wakes up the next morning he’s all alone. He had expected it, but the truth still hurts. So he turns around to lay on his stomach, feeling sore and tries to sleep a few hours more. But after an hour he’s done with it. He can’t sleep anymore and he says to himself that he doesn’t want to be reminded of Kris by the smell in the bed, but he knows he’s lying to himself.

Once he has fully clothed himself and ate a bit of food out of the almost empty fridge, he finds himself walking to the door, preparing himself to remember this memory yet forget it at the same time, but when he opens the door he sees the smallest writing on the door. It’s no wonder he didn’t see it before. I’m sorry, Tao. He freezes and his tears start to form, but he stops them from falling. He didn't have to spend his last Christmas alone so he doesn't have any reason to cry.

~ ~

Kris was slowly walking through his apartment, the letter in his hands. It had arrived a few hours earlier but when he saw the familiar style of writing he didn’t dare to open the letter. It was Tao’s.

“There was also sad news in the music world today. It was reported by his manager that Huang ZiTao was found dead in a hotel room.”

Kris stopped walking, eyes big as he heard the newsreader talking. “It was suicide and his family is informed by the police, but it appears that ZiTao had sent letters to his important ones- family and the members of his former group exo.”

He didn’t need to hear any more. He opened the letter as fast as he could, cutting himself with the paper, but that didn’t matter.

Dear Kris,

I hope you liked it ^^ 

It's my first taoris (and kpop) fanfiction so I hope I wrote about them in a way that's acceptable. 

Please comment and upvote if you want ♥