The wind gently blew, a bit chilling than the day before. By then, grey clouds steadily occupied the white sky. Oh goodness. What a gloomy start of the day it was. Not waking up on the good side of the bed, I had my shower a bit colder than I used to. Pretty much, I was not bothered to turn on the heater eventhough I was completely confident that I would be freezing. I stepped out of the shower, wiping my hair harshly and walked straight to the end-table beside my bed. 10 am. Sighs. If I was not in my right mind, I would definitely smash my iPhone 7 to the walls without any hesitation. My schedules were very packed nowadays, it was only today I got to have a nice rest at the dorm. I took a glance at the motivation poster which was saved from having my phone smashed on it. This poster, I hung it long ago with Jess- no, my ex-roommate’s approval. The vibrant colors already faded a bit.

HE WHO SINGS SCARE AWAY HIS WOES.

I threw away every single thing that relates to her, but that poster, would stay till the end. No one else knew it had bring a tinge of reminiscence between me and her.

“I don’t really like the quote nor the color, but it suits you well.” She gazed into my eyes. “You scare away your demons by singing.”

I frantically shook my head.

Yah, I should not be sentimental over a small thing. I am Taeyeon. I am 27 and matured enough to accept a loss.

The sound from me opening my wardrobe bothered Fany, I guessed. She rustled the blanket a bit and her morning voice comes to my ear.

“Taeyeon? Where are you going?”

I turned my face around for a second. As she brushed away her messy hair from her should-be-pretty-as-f-ck face, a big word flashing on my mind. Awful. She looks like sh-t. Black rings under her eyes are obviously swallowing her pretty visual. I bet only heavy makeup should do to hide that. These days the management strained her too much for her upcoming solo. F-ck you, SM. She always came back to the dorm late at midnight these weeks around. What a pity.

“I’m going to the coffee shop just down the street. Do you want anything?” I grabbed a blue-black hoodies and a pair of leggings. And a mask.

“Latte. With my name. I’ll pay later. Thanks,” and with that, she pulled the blanket over her head, dozing off to the dreamland once again.

Hm... Who is going to keep me company if not Tiffany? Hyoyeon... She did not like coffee so what is the point? Sunny... idk. I thought she had something on her schedule, I could not remember. Sooyoung... 100% sure not gonna wake up unless it was lunch time. Yuri at the morning; the gym, of course. Seohyun was not here, she was wayyyyy too far at UK for a photoshoot.

Sighs again.

Stepping out of the room, I saw Yoona and Sooyoung were watching the TV with Yoona’s head on Soo’s lap and... um... they both stared blankly at me.

Crickets.

“You guys binge-watching drama again? And what? Do I look that stunning, you both cannot get off your eyes from me?”

“Plishhhh, I am prettier than chuu.” Choi Sooyoung can you not

“Unnie~ can I go with you?” Yoona went all aegyo with me. (No need, no need, I approve hundred percent on your proposal okay.)

“We better off faster. I think it's going to be raining soon. Sooyoung?”

“Me? What?”

“Wanna join?”

“Nuh-uh. Besides, who will be in charge of making them wake up if there is no Sooyoung the morning alarm?”

We called her ‘the-oh-so-pretty-morning-alarm’ because she was so loud and annoying you just want to hit her. Suits her VERY well, right?

“Yah, stop it. You are making me nuts. Wait, wait.” I stopped Yoona from the tracks. “You have no need to get change, Yoona. You are always pretty anyway. Let’s go.”

…

My favourite coffee shop was just two blocks away from the SM building, but still...

The elevator cracked open with a ‘Ding!’ and we both stepped in. No one except us. Good, then. I pressed the ground floor button. Yoona was a bit shy and uncomfortable when she met some staffs she did not close with. Telepathy-ing? Sort of. Living with this pretty girl for almost 8 years already.

“Unnie... um... I cannot ask this in our dorm, so... since we are in private now.. may I? Promise me you will keep this a secret.”

I raised both of my eyebrows, gesturing her to continue. What matter could be so important that she did not want the other members to know?

“Do you miss Jessica unnie?”

Since she left (well, got kicked actually) from the company, uttering this J name in SM building was considered a taboo. Everyone must know about this, or somebody was going to get kicked from SM too. I thought I had blocked her from my life; all the information about her were automatically inaccessible. I was wrong. The memories hit me hard. I was trying hard to look like I was not bothered with this J name but I accidentally flinched. Heol. I could hear a voice from the bottom of my heart, damn, how could I not miss her?

“...I.. do not.. have the answer.”

Yoona was a bit taken aback. She smiled weakly, noticing that I was having a hard time to bury my feelings deep down my silliness. Her sorry for Jessica... I could see her eyes are b with tears. Jessica must had contacted her recently. I did not have to ask, I just know.

...

The walk had to be fast or we would be dripping wet. I had texted manager unnie about our little trip to the coffee shop. Yoona and I were in a bit of rush, the rain was getting heavier. I was in the lead so I was the one who held the door handle to the coffee shop. I briefly looked down on Fany’s too-bright pink sneakers. Damn. I must had stepped on a puddle. Fany was going to be so mad at me if she woke up to this in front of the door. The moment I looked up, the sneaker got out of my mind in an instant, as if it had never been there at all.

There she was.

Those thin lips of hers were slightly agape, gasping. She had a big sunglasses that covered her dark brown eyes. Most probably BLANC&ECLARE, I assumed. She was wearing a hundred percent black outfit (except for her beige high heels). I could see her right hand was trembling – that pretty hand which held a cup of her favorite Americano, with the name Jessica – a little love at the end of it. I did not need to see it. I just know.

Being a beauty that she was.

“Unnie? Why did you-“ Yoona intervened and that was when I lost my control. Without a second thought, I bear-hugged this long-lost friend in front of me. Was it all planned by Yoona? I did not try to think about it. What I knew was I was hugging my friend. Or should I say, my sister. A soulmate.

Yoona shrieked in half-joy. She gasped and giggled a bit and hugged the both of us. Beads of tears escaped from her deer eyes. Jessica tried to retaliate beneath me, but I could not care less. I missed her. The both of us missed her. We all missed her. To hug a person you had been so close before, when you met her again after 3 years you guys separated, was a normal thing to do, right?

Reality beat me hard.

“Excuse me, miss?” she said, loud.

“Have we met before?” her words, were seeping into my brain; words by words.

I could still remember her annoyed, cringed face when she looked at me.

Slowly killing me.