19/3

I hate this feeling that I get whenever I write in this. I swear to god, it feels like my stomach is trying to tear itself apart. What's worse is that it feels so agonizingly and painstakingly slow, as if my own body is trying to make me suffer.

Is writing about my 'bottled up emotions' really going to keep me from becoming a selfish coward?

I mean, considering that I don't speak, you would be the only thing I can tell everything to without any commenting. I'd like to think that it'd become easier to clear my head because there'd be neither consoling nor judging.

None of it helps, really. The talking, I mean. I don’t need any of that 'pep talk' bullcrap, because I've known long enough that whatever I do it's not going to help me and my stupid mentality.

Perhaps it does look suspicious; me walking around, lanky and tall with some random plain old notebook just suffocating within my grip, and perhaps I should be considering the idea of hiding this book so no one will be curious enough to actually try and look at the pages. But I think they know better; everyone's too scared to try. 

Actually I might've been unconsciously cautious when I decided to buy a pack of fifteen invisible ink pens and a UV light torch thing. How sad; the only things I can consider to be aquaintances, let alone friends, would be this book and a pack of invisible ink pens.

I mean, I could try to talk...but I haven't spoken for seven years. No matter how much I've tried to even pronounce the simplest of words as I finish up an essay or complete a report for school, I just know my words probably wouldn't even be words and that my tongue would turn into the equivalent of melting ice.

Ooh, metaphors, Soohyun.. 

I probably write more than I've ever said in my life. Damn it I don't want to harp on and on like this. I feel so pathetic. 

Man up and ing try to say something. To hell with not being able to speak properly; your dignity is being thrown out the window because you decided to use a book and not a counsellor to sort your problems out. Obviously that'd work better than writing in a book, because these people would be professionals, qualified in making people feel better in regards to their mental state, right?

But I can't. I just can't speak. I can't do it. This will always be one reason why I hate writing and feel forced to suffer and feel worthless when writing in this damn book.

- Soohyun