WHEN SUMMER ENDS

by Discordance

PART 3

Interlude

“We need to find what’s causing the internal bleeding.”

“ -injuries are about 7 hours old..."

 “He’s lost too much blood. Get the IV now!”

 “I need the light.”

“Pulling out in three, two, one…”

“Cauterize it."

“What’s the status?”

“Doctor, come look at this.”

“…we need to get this done quickly. Prepare for transportation to MRI.”

“Doctor, what about –”

“We don’t have enough time. I’ll inform the client’s family. Post-Op begins now.”

 “Stay with us, kid.”

They waited. Lord knows how long they did.

Minutes, hours ticked by in silence. The Hospital was now calm and to anyone else, almost peaceful.

But not to them.

The tears staining their cheeks were long gone, leaving behind only a void, a chasm in their hearts that was desperate for the light. They had nothing left to shed. All that was left was the faint glimmer of hope in their eyes amongst the overwhelming anguish.

Hanbin walked around, silently offering bottles of water to everyone, quiet thank you’s and silent declines following his steps. He offered one to their other manager, who had arrived sometime in the first hour they had relocated to the waiting room in the lobby.

President YG had called all of their phones long before the broadcast had ended, but none of them would answer. But in time, the leader had to do what he had to do, and so Hanbin located his name among the 26 missed calls and let the phone ring.

The CEO remained silent throughout the whole phone call as Hanbin explained the situation to him. And then when all was said, he told him to stay with the other members. It was not long after that that their other manager, who had already gone to the work before all of them had woken up, had arrived, saying he was given a day off. Everyone was thankful that he had brought food along with him, knowing how long they had stayed and how desperate they were to receive more news on Yunhyeong-hyung’s condition.

The windows were dark and the city’s lights were alive when a nurse finally came.

When she arrived, and came near them instead of going towards another family, even the nurse herself was surprised by the speed of their reactions, reminiscent of their encounter with the doctor. But she gently dismissed their inquiries with the air of someone who knew how to handle the situation many times before.

“Please follow me.”

And those three words…those words were enough to spark the tiny flame in their eyes, fueling the flames, the hope overwhelming their grief like waves crashing onto a pebble.

They were taken through different corridors until they reached a large hallway that was completely silent, save for a doctor talking to another nurse beside one room. The nurse saw them first and told the doctor, handing over a clipboard before leaving.

The doctor was not the same doctor as before, but they didn’t care. He had the answers they needed and none of them had the ability to see past the door and curtains.

“Mr. and Mrs. Song?”

Yunhyeong-hyung’s parents nodded, unable to say anything else. When the doctor realized they weren’t going to answer, he continued, “Your son is stable. We were able to identify the severity of the head injury and conduct an immediate treatment just in time. Any longer and it would have proven fatal.”

Hanbin could have sworn everyone’s hearts lifted at those words. But the doctor continued—

“Mr. Song suffered a hard blow to the head in the accident, which led to severe swelling in the brain. His body temperature was already low so luckily it reduced the swelling’s progression. We were able to drain most of the cerebrospinal fluid, but he will be needing to be under medications for a while to relieve the remaining pressure to his skull.”

“But….if he’s fine, why can’t we go in?” Hanbin asked. He noticed that the doctor was standing in front of the door, subtly blocking their entry.

The doctor glanced at him in acknowledgement. “Do any among you have a history of traumatic experiences? Any medical concerns we need to know?”

They all shook their head.

“Mr. Song will recover from most of his injuries. There will be a few scars due to the lack of immediate attendance to his wounds, but the only wound that will scab over will be on his head.”

Somewhere in the back of his mind, he felt relief because Yunhyeong-hyung wouldn’t feel as ashamed to the extent of hiding his body as much as he is able.

“But he also needs a chance to recover from the damage of the brain swelling and the damage to his body. We don't know how long he will have his rest, but until he wakes up he will not be able to respond to any sort of outside stimuli - contact, light, sounds. Even then, we suggest that you limit the amount of contact as much as possible so that the remaining injuries will be able to heal correctly and without interruption.”

Beside him, he saw Bobby-hyung's jaw tighten. “...So - Yunhyeong...he's - he's in a - ”

“...Coma,” Donghyuk whispered.

The doctor nodded slowly.

Hanbin honestly did not know what he was feeling right now. A sense of relief? But he wasn’t happy. He was glad to know that Yunhyeong-hyung was alive and relatively well, but at what cost? He wasn’t naive, he knew that sometimes damages to the brain, especially when not treated right away, could lead to various side-effects that have the potential to be permanent.

Yunhyeong-hyung didn’t get treated for seven hours. Eight or nine when you only consider the time they started operating on his head. What side effects could happen then?

Just how long will they have to suffer not knowing anything of what's going to happen?

“We’ll monitor him for the few weeks, but we won’t know for sure what the damages are and how permanent until he wakes up. It’s all up to him and how strongly his body wants to recover.”

“Thank you,” Yunhyeong-hyung’s dad said quietly. The doctor nodded and opened the door, stepping aside to allow them entrance.

Hanbin never really liked the smell of Hospitals. It varied, sometimes. In certain cases, the hospital rooms would smell tangy or a mixture of scents that made him want to puke or put on a face mask at the very least. But he didn’t have one.

When they entered the room, however, it smelled a bit like vanilla. And cherry. It smelled like Yunhyeong-hyung.

But the person lying on the bed…wasn’t him.

The Yunhyeong-hyung he knew, for starters, did not sleep so still. His position was similar, like a soldier standing straight in bed, but there was just something so…lifeless about him. Maybe it was also because of the several machines hooked into him. Maybe it was because one of his faintly toned arms was hidden under a white cast. Or maybe it was the wrapping around his head, hiding the majority of his hair, and the several bandages on his face and the oxygen mask, concealing parts of the handsome features that lay underneath.

But no, the person on the bed did not look like Yunhyeong-hyung because they felt nothing close to peace when they looked at him. They didn’t feel the tranquil presence of Yunhyeong-hyung that he often manages to effortlessly exude, sometimes just by looking at his face alone. A face that was now slack, without expression and without the gentleness that his features usually suggest even in his sleep.

He wasn’t Yunhyeong-hyung…and yet he was.

The members stayed by the door as Yunhyeong-hyung’s sister and parents rushed forward, unbidden cries escaping from their lips. His sister clutched the bedsheets as she stared with wide eyes at the state of her older brother, eyes darting from his head wrappings down to his body cloaked by the blanket. Mrs. Song grabbed his unwrapped hand while her other fingers ghosted over her son’s cheeks, shaking with the force of the disbelief and anguish of a mother who's whole life has crashed down before her. Yunhyeong's father placed a hand on his wife's shoulder but he, too, could not tear his gaze away from his son’s face. Unable to speak. Unable to outwardly express a single emotion from the orbs of despair that dominated his eyes.

And as Hanbin stared at the scene before him, he never felt so unwelcome. He never felt so confused, so wrong, so out of place.

So he walked past the members and left the room without saying a word.

In the hallway, enough of a distance from the door to not be able to hear anything, his back slid against the wall, his body sinking down to the hospital floor soundlessly. He hugged his legs loosely to his chest, and yet not a single word nor sound yet escaped from him.

It didn’t come as a surprise when a small body settled against his side and looped an arm over his shoulders. He and the members knew that even though they wanted so badly to be in that room, to be by Yunhyeong-hyung’s side, it was only right that the people whom he grew up with have that time to themselves first.

No matter how deeply the lingering image in the room mercilessly sank into the wounds of their hearts wthout closure.

The silence stretched long. None of the members had the will to move or listen to the mournful sounds of the family inside the room.

Hanbin distantly wondered if they had a right to be here. A ragtag group of boys that depended on each other, leaned on each other, and vowed to protect one another.

The same group of boys who had broken that vow, who may have lost an important piece of their lives, lost it despite the unwavering trust of everyone. Everyone who loved him.

(Loves.)

(He's not dead.)

(He won't be.)

A harsh sound echoed in their ears and down the halls. 

Bobby’s laughter, broken and humorless. Pained.

“None of this makes sense. None of it. How could Yunhyeong – Yunhyeong of all people – how could this happen to him?”

No one dared to answer him. Because just saying it out loud, when it was already in the air and suffocating them all, would make it even less like a dream.

Donghyuk curled up, burying his face in his arms. Chanwoo, lips pursed and bitten, was settled next to him, but he could find no words to be said. And although Junhoe was the only one standing, staring at the curtains that blocked them from seeing the private family reunion, he was in the same dilemma.

“We haven’t even had our comeback, yet. We haven’t even performed in the domes. How are we supposed to meet the fans? How are we supposed to look at everyone now?”

“Bobby...” Jinhwan-hyung didn’t look at him, but he didn’t need to. “…That’s enough. We all know you’re not thinking about our career. Not now.”

The words hung in the air.

“Why do I feel so guilty?” Hanbin said quietly.

“You shouldn’t,” Jinhwan-hyung said softly. “You were sick, you didn’t know.”

“…If anything else, it’s out fault,” Bobby said. “We were there when he left. We knew there was a storm coming.”

“Yunhyeong-hyung gets nervous when it rains,” Chanwoo murmured, his eyes distant, as if recalling a memory.

“And the lightning...”

“Bobby, none of us control the weather.” The eldest sounded very weary, as if he expected this conversation to happen.

“We still could have stopped him. We still could have stopped him from going out when the roads were slippery and dangerous and there was no one with him besides – ”

“Bobby,” the eldest snapped. “Listen to yourself. How would you have known this would happen? If any of us had the tiniest idea he would end up here, we would have stopped him before he even got to the door.” He saw Bobby clench his fists. Jinhwan-hyung softened his tone. “None of us knew this would happen. That’s all there is to it.”

“…Do you not feel guilty, Jinhwan-hyung?” Hanbin questioned almost inaudibly.

Jinhwan-hyung inhaled slowly and sighed, long and deep. “I do,” he admitted. “Of course I do. You know I do. But blaming ourselves for something that wasn't our fault will not help anything. It’ll only make everyone around us feel worse. Including us.”

“Then who are we supposed to blame?”

“Stop." Some of them flinched at the icy tone. "Don't..." Jinhwan-hyung sighed. "Don’t think about that. Think about what’s going to happen now. Yunhyeong is strong. If there's anyone who could get through this, it’s him.”

“…You sound like him,” Junhoe finally said.

Jinhwan-hyung, with his red eyes, only smiled, but there was no trace of happiness in it.

A small noise made them look up towards the door of the room, where Yunhyeong-hyung’s little sister stood, looking at their fractured group with red eyes and a hastily wiped face, free of make-up and blotches. “You could...” She trailed off, gazing at each of them but not revealing any of what she was thinking as she made eye-contact. “Mom and Dad are going to talk to the doctor again…and I’m coming with them.”

We’ll give you time to yourselves, was left unsaid.

Jinhwan-hyung nodded and stood up, then held out his hand.

Hanbin stared at it, eye-level. He reached up and clasped their hands together and Jinhwan-hyung moved backwards, allowing him to be pulled up.

They all looked at each other, and then they moved as one.

Yunhyeong-hyung was still sleeping, still silent, still unmoving. They went closer, until they could see the oxygen mask fogging over with each little breath he took. They took their places, surrounding him, a wall of their bond shielding him from the outside world.

Bobby slowly grabbed Yunhyeong-hyung’s hand, interlacing his fingers with the pale vulnerable ones of his same-age brother. He took the hand of Jinhwan-hyung beside him who then grasped Chanwoo’s hand nearby. Then Chanwoo took Junhoe’s, Junhoe took Donghyuk’s, and Donghyuk took Hanbin’s, who was one of the closest to Yunhyeong-hyung’s bedside. Hanbin carefully placed a hand on his shoulder, gently bunching the fabric underneath his fingers.

They gazed at their second-eldest, their sunshine, their handsome childlike brother who always scolds them when they don’t clean up their mess, who always looks at them with such fondness, such love, and with that smile of sincere and utter gratitude.

And they bowed their heads.

And they prayed.

Two weeks, he heard Donghyuk say once.

Two weeks until the doctors would start considering Yunhyeong to not be able to come out from his coma for a long time. Two weeks until the clock would truly be ticking down and the chances of permanent recovery, if at all, would decrease every time the sun rises.

It was the 19^th day. Two weeks and six days.

They tried not to pay attention to it. How time was going faster and the days were slipping away like sand. But it was hard not to, because they knew anything could happen.

Anything like…Yunhyeong never waking up on time.

Or at all.

A day after they came to the Hospital, all the members san Yunhyeong met with the CEO, which was rare when it was outside of topics like their concerts and comeback. The members’ family members, Yunhyeong’s grandparents, relatives, school friends, and even neighbors came to visit him.

Jinhwan had felt warmth in his chest, seeing how many people cares for him. Who loves him, not just because he was an idol, but as a human being they shared a treasured past with.

A treasured past…but an uncertain future.

Jinhwan opened the door, the blinds were drawn since it was the early hours of the morning. He walked to the table and set down the paper bag, going to the windows and opening them, feeling the breeze caress his face and enter into the room, circulating the used air outside.

He inhaled deeply. He smelled nature.

The eldest went to the bag he set down, reaching in and taking out one of its contents. He then walked over to the bed by the wall and sat down on the mattress, uncapping the item and leaning forward to apply it on slightly chapped skin, unable to be cared for by its unconscious owner.

Jinhwan did his work carefully, dutifully, gently. And when he was satisfied, he capped the item once again, put it on the nightstand and sat on the seat next to the hospital bed.

He stared at the occupant on the bed and reached forward, this time patting a hand over dark hair and tucking it to the side to reveal the unblemished face underneath.

The cuts on his face had long been healed and once the doctors were sure he could breathe on his own, the oxygen mask was also removed. They had to be careful, because several of his ribs had also been broken. The wrappings over his head, too, were eventually removed. At least most of it. Only narrow layers of strips were left, protecting the still mending wound from possible infection. Now that most of his head was visible, they could see the hair around the wound growing steadily after the area was shaved off for operation.

There was color to Yunhyeong’s cheeks. He was healthy and whole and perfect and Jinhwan wanted to stare until it was engrained into his mind, so that he would forget all the pain, all the sadness, everything that had happened after the accident.

But he couldn’t. Acceptance was needed to move on. And as the eldest, he needed to keep looking forward, so that the hands he held so tightly behind him wouldn’t be dragged further into the darkness from whence they came.

But, that didn’t mean that he didn’t see the shadows dancing in the corners of his eyes, feel the hands he held weakening and losing their strength, barely hanging on.

It was for that reason, today, that he came.

“Yunhyeong…” Jinhwan spoke softly.

The younger did not answer. Of course he wouldn’t. But Jinhwan couldn’t help but look for the slightest twitch. A sign that he was listening and that he would wake up at the voices of those who loves him. Just like in the dramas.

Except there was no twitch. No indication of consciousness. And so the emotions came forth.

“I...” Jinhwan swallowed, misery and shame bubbling up in him. “…I messed up. God, I’ve messed up so bad.” He buried his face in his hands, unable to look at Yunhyeong.

“I know you never like it when I’m like this,” he said after a time. “I’ve noticed. When I get all self-piteous and the next morning you cook my favorite foods…and try to talk to me more than the others. I notice and I know…I’m really thankful for that.” Trying to ignore the ache in his heart, knowing that he hasn’t and won’t be having those meals for a long while.

“…Junhoe and I…we had a fight in the practice room.” He curled up in his seat, feeling every bit like a maknae they had liked to as. “It wasn’t personal. I...I can’t really remember why we started arguing. It was over nothing, really. Junhoe was just having trouble, I tried to help, but I said something wrong and everything just blew out of control. Heck, Chanwoo and Donghyuk were there and I can’t even remember what they did before calling Hanbin and Bobby.”

He took a deep breath, slowly running small fingers over the smooth skin of the younger, swallowing. “I don’t know what came over me. It’s like, I couldn’t help but get angry, even knowing the circumstances. Hanbin and Bobby came and all of us talked and everything’s fine now…Junhoe feels fine now, but…b-but I can’t get over it. I lost it…badly, and I’m afraid things will just get worse.”

The hand he held remained still and unresponsive.

But Jinhwan could still remember those hands, the warmth he felt from them as they swung their arms listening to the off-tune birthday singing of the members and the beautiful chorus of the fans. Those hands that used to clutch his clothes so tightly when he was going through so much distress, when Yunhyeong used to sink into Jinhwan’s hug like a lifeline.

That was back in their trainee days. Now, Yunhyeong had grown into his own – he didn’t need the hugs as much as before, back when he was a teenager who was growing into adulthood. He was a young man who was focused on providing for the members, finding his own steps, always striving to do everything over and over again until he was satisfied.

And now…now he was lying on a Hospital bed, with no one knowing when he would wake up.

Jinhwan leaned his head back. Looked up at the ceiling, the bright lights, not knowing if his eyes were just watering because of its intensity.

“The members come a lot,” he spoke at length. “Though you already knew that. I just thought you should be told.” And if his voice wavered any time he talked…it was only him that was listening, after all. “Hanbin is working so hard in the studios right now. He’s like a man possessed. He doesn’t know when to stop and it’s always me or Bobby who has to drag him away from the room, just so he could eat. But I know he comes here whenever he can. Sometimes with Bobby, most times alone.” His lips upturned in a rueful smile. “He’s always like that. I can’t get him to stop no matter what.

“Bobby, Bobby is still Bobby. Since you’re not around, he’s trying to be more responsible, actually doing his laundry and trying to cook meals for us sometimes when he’s not lazy. He tries his best but,” – Jinhwan laughed hoarsely – “it’s not really that good. So Chanwoo tries to sneak in and fix whatever's wrong before it gets any worse. Bobby would have his head if he found out.”

Jinhwan paused. “He…he comes alone. You noticed, one or few times he’s with me. But Bobby told me he wanted to be alone with you. Needed to think things through…And Donghyuk…you know Donghyuk. He goes with me, Bobby, or Hanbin, mostly me. He talks about whatever, you would probably smack him if he…anyway. Chanwoo…I’ve only ever seen him go out when he’s going to practice in the YG building or he goes with me to visit you. I think he’s afraid…to visit you alone. I’ll go and talk to him…hopefully he’ll…come…”

He stares at the younger’s face, his voice dying down and his heart squeezing with emotion. His voice was thick, but he continued, wanting his words to be heard.

“Junhoe…Junhoe is…he visits alone. I came here once, and I was about to open the door and…I heard him. Did you hear him talking too? He was talking to you…and he was…he was crying.” He stopped, the words he just said hitting him and he smiled, sadly, regretfully. Painfully. “I-it’s…been so long…since I’ve heard him like that.”

He inhaled raggedly and forced himself to look away.

But when he finally glanced up, saw the unmoving face, that heavy feeling struck down on him without mercy and the tears began falling freely without resistance.

Jinhwan moved, gently encasing his little brother in his arms and placing his wet cheek against the younger’s forehead. “You’ll wake up,” he whispered. “You’re gonna wake up. I know you will. I know more than anything. If there’s anyone who will get through this, it’s you, Yunhyeong. And I promise, if things don’t go the way we want…if something bad happens, even if the people outside try to tear us apart, when you wake up, we'll still be here."

His hand tightened over his. “I don’t care about our music. I don’t care about being on the news. I care about you – we need you, Yunhyeong. And if I need to say it a million times over, I will, because I mean it. And I -” his voice broke off. "...a-and...” 

Eventually he looked down, his eyes red and layered with tears, leaning back to gaze fully at Yunhyeong’s youthful face…a face, a spirit that was meant for so much more. So much more than this.

And Jinhwan squeezed his eyes shut and struggled to breathe calmly, pressing his lips against that forehead, fervently whispering words that resonated with his anguish, his unconditional love, and the sheer agony of the guilt that bit away at his fractured heart:

“I’m so sorry.”

 You keep smiling on and on

As if it’s nothing, time holds onto you as it ticks away
In my dreams, I’m with you as I hold your hand
But cruelly, I say goodbye when the sun rises
As my pillow gets wet

Oh you and me
We’re under the same sky but we can’t meet
But believe in me, I’ll be there for you

Wait because I’ll go to you right now
Wherever you are, I’ll go
Wait for me, time is ticking faster
Wait because I’ll go to you right now
I’ll run against time and go to you
Wait for me yeah
So that my heart can reach…

“…Yunhyeong?”