i actually wrote this and uploaded it on ao3 last month and i completely forgot to cross post the chapter here. i'm sorre ;; but here it is 

When he sits down and lets himself think about the last three months he feels dizzy and sick to his stomach. The fact that he actually thought he could pull it of, being with the man he loved away from the eyes of the rest of the world, but still have the commodity and the easy of having someone safe to go back to. Because that's what Yuri became. She became the safe choice, the easy way out, the relationship no one questioned him about. She was pretty, and nice, and successful. The girl he loved so much one day was just that, safe.

Bambam though, Bambam was risky. He was sneaky nights under the sheets, and secret dance lessons that turned into Bambam pressed against the mirrors with his pants and underwear all the way down to his ankles while Yugyeom set his whole body on fire. Bambam was risky and safe at the same time. Bambam was all he ever wanted but never allowed himself to have. Bambam smelled like cleaned clothes and warm coffee and he felt like home away from home.

When he met the guy he hoped he could make at least a nice acquaintance to be around, a nice friend in the best case scenario. Because even though he didn’t admitted to Yuri, he did miss having friends, and Skype calls with his best friends back home didn’t cut it.

At first they were awkward around each other, and Yugyeom could see Bambam wanted to be anywhere else but having a conversation with him, but he still endured it for the sake of his cousin, Yugyeom assumes. And after that disastrous first meeting at the family hangout Yugyeom hoped Yuri took the hint and would stop trying to force her family members to be friends with him. Turns out that’s too much to ask of her and she put Bambam on Yugyeom duty for the rest of his vacations, and the first few days when they met each other at some random coffee shop Bambam suggested, the guy looked ready to hit him every time he talked, and he can’t say he blamed him.

None of them was actually trying to get to know each other or to become actual friends, all they wanted was to make Yuri think they were getting along.

But then one day when they were walking through the city streets, being quiet and awkward around each other, there was a guy playing some song Yugyeom can’t even remember anymore and they found themselves happily singing it together. They had found their common ground, and after that it was easy to just fall into a nice friendship, and Yugyeom found out the smaller man used to dance before he left university. Maybe Yuri hadn’t been totally wrong when she said they had things in common, they just had to make an actual effort to be friends.

Soon the awkwardness and silence turned into comfortable laughters and easy conversations.

The feelings for the other man creeped out on him without him realizing it until it was too late to go back.

They were playing video games glued to Yugyeom’s small couch when Bambam grabbed his hand for whatever reason and it was like his whole body was on fire. It was as if he had been aching for his touch this whole time and now that he felt it he never wanted to let go of that feeling.

He thought he could keep it on the down low, that he had enough willpower to just push it down and pretend it didn’t exist. And if he’s being honest he was being pretty good at it, he really was, until he had the stupid idea of bringing Bambam to his dance studio when he went back to work.

Things were going great. He taught his classes and at the end he decided to practice a bit while Bambam was in the corner following his every move, with his mouth slightly open, and Yugyeom is not gonna lie, he likes the fact that the other man finds him attractive. Maybe that’s what triggered his boldness.

“Do you wanna dance?” He asks and Bambam startles at his sudden question.

“No, no, no!” He refuses. “I haven't danced in 6 years, I’ll probably look like a headless chicken. Maybe another day.”

“Oh, c’mon, I’ve seen some videos of you dancing back in the day. You were really good,” he starts. “I’m pretty sure you didn’t just forget how to dance.”
“Sometimes I really hate Yuri, please make sure to tell her that,” he laughs but gets up anyway. “She just really wanted us to bond,” he assures the other man with a smile.

Even in here they contrast. Bambam dressed all fashionable with his skinny jeans that always look too small for him, a shirt with the first three buttons undone and dress shoes, while Yugyeom has an old shirt on, sweat pants and his trusty Nikes he only uses when he dances. As much as they might have the same interests they are still completely different, but it always feels like they fit together like two puzzle pieces.

For someone that hasn’t danced in so long, Bambam manages to follow is every move only having trouble with how to position his arms and legs at a certain point, so Yugyeom does what he is supposed to do and goes to help him.

He should’ve just stayed put and finish for the day, but no, his dumb self had to go and ruin everything.

He’s helping Bambam with his arm positioning and he is too close, it’s the closest they’ve ever been, when suddenly Bambam turns his face to look at him and it’s like he loses all the power over his own actions and he just kisses him. He kisses him and it’s better than all those times he thought about it. It was warm and felt like home, it was lustful and passionate, fast but still not fast enough. His whole body was on fire and he couldn’t get enough of this man in front of him.

“Stop, stop,” Bambam breaks the kiss and  he’s brought back to reality, reminding him the fact that he just kissed someone that wasn’t his girlfriend. “We can’t do this. This is wrong in so many ways.”

“We really have to stop,” he says still breathless and kissing the other man anyway.

“Yeah, we really do,” Bambam agrees in between kisses and before Yugyeom realizes what he’s even doing, he pulls Bambam’s legs up and he wraps them around his waist, pressing him against the mirrors in the studio not carrying that someone might show up at any moment.

They promised each other they wouldn’t do it again. They couldn’t. It was wrong in every sense and they couldn’t do it to Yuri. But Yugyeom was weak, it was like Bambam turned off any willpower he had over himself, so the moment he gets home he texts Bambam to have lunch with him tomorrow and he’s pretty sure Bambam knows what he means when he agrees to it.

He feels bad about the whole thing, he does, but it’s like his attraction to Bambam is clouding his judgement and he can’t stop the pull that brings them together. He’s a bad person and he’s greedy, he wants to have both Bambam and Yuri without having to give up one of them.

Making Yuri believe that the hickeys were hers was a little difficult but he pulled it off somehow, and if he felt sick afterwards and puked in his bathroom that's only between him and the walls of his house.

When the next day Bambam comes to his house he doesn’t even have lunch prepared because they are both fully aware of what they agreed on when he Bambam answered his text, none of them is stupid.

Yugyeom doesn’t spare a single thought about Yuri while he has Bambam panting underneath him, missing all the calls from his girlfriend.

It was something that was purely physical, at first. Yugyeom was attracted to Bambam and that was it, until it wasn’t just that. Until his thoughts were filled with Bambam and only Bambam. When something exciting happened the first person he wanted to tell was Bambam, and if he thinks about plump lips and Bambam's small frame under him when his with Yuri no one needs to know but himself.

The more time they spend with each other the more they ruin themselves, and they keep falling down a whole that doesn’t seem to have an end. Yugyeom manages to pretend nothing is going on, only letting himself break when he’s with Bambam, while Bambam looks like a shell of the person he met a month and a half ago — he barely sleeps, doesn’t  even bother to actually dress nicely, and he’s jumpy all the time, thinking everyone will find out about them just by looking at him.

Bambam didn’t tell him, of course he didn’t, but Yugyeom knows he’s been drinking a little too much lately, but Yugyeom isn’t one to talk much, considering he started smoking to try and blow off the stress. All it actually did was give him something to do with his hands so he won’t break everything in front of him when he feels trapped.

“Let’s end this,” Bambam says one day, the both of them still tangled in the sheets of Yugyeom’s bed. “It’s killing both of us, Yugyeom. It’s wrong and I should’ve never let this happen.”

“Stop blaming yourself for this, it takes two people to do what were doing.”

“What we’re doing,” Bambam echoes and lets out a laugh. “You can't even call it by what it is. It’s cheating the word you’re looking for. We’re cheating!” He suddenly shouts and sits on the bed looking at Yugyeom. “We’re disgusting. We’re sick!” He breaks down crying and Yugyeom pulls him down and holds him tight against his chest.

“I love you,” Yugyeom says softly rubbing the other man’s back and Bambam suddenly looks at him. “You what?”

“I love you,” he repeats but this time more certain of himself.

“You can’t love me! You can’t, you can’t,” he repeats it like a mantra as he hits Yugyeom’s chest with the little strength he can manage. “Please don’t love me, don’t do this to me.”

“I’m sorry,” it’s all Yugyeom manages to say still holding the other man in his arms.

They stay like that for a good while and Yugyeom almost misses Bambam whispering ‘I love you’ back.

They never actually end things because they are too weak and in too deep. It got to a point where they don’t care if they are killing themselves little by little as long as they get to have each other, even if it’s in all the wrong ways.

But then Bambam texts him one day saying he won’t make it to their date and that he left something for him with his mom.

When he gets there she hands him a letter and gives a look he can’t really understand what it means.

(Dear Yugyeom,

I’m sorry I ruined your life.

I’m sorry I turned you to a path of lies and cheating that ruined you piece by piece, little by little, every moment we spent together. I should’ve never kissed you back and you shouldn’t have kissed me at all. I should’ve never went to your house when I knew exactly what it was going to happen. I ruined you. I ruined us!

I’m leaving because if I don’t this circle will just go round and round until one of us breaks completely and there’s to turning back. I’m leaving because you deserve better. Yuri deserves better!

She deserves better than a cousin who took advantage of her good will, of her trying to get her boyfriend a stupid friend, and just ended up ing around with him.

Don’t ask my mom about me or where I went, and even if you’re too stupid to stop yourself from doing it she won’t tell you.

I meant it when I said I loved you, if I didn’t love you as much as I do I wouldn’t be leaving. It’s because I love you that I can’t see you ruin your life because of someone like me.

I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about my decision, but I knew if I did I wouldn’t be able to go through with it and I love you too much too ruin you even further.

Be happy and make Yuri happy! Forget about me. Forget we ever met and that we ever loved each other.

Please, please, please, be happy!)

He doesn’t even realize he’s crying until he’s finding it hard to breathe and his heart feels like it’s gonna jump out of his chest.

Stupid Bambam! Stupid stupid stupid!

If Bambam had asked Yugyeom to follow him to the end of the world, he would go with even thinking twice about it. He’d leave everything behind and just go.

//

In the end he settled for the safest and easiest option. He did what Bambam wanted.

He went back to his mom's house every day for two months asking where Bambam was and if we was doing well, but she never told me where he went, even if she made sure that he knew Bambam was well. Maybe she knew that Yugyeom would run after him the second he found out where he went, or maybe she knew about the whole thing and hated him for ruining her son’s life.

It wasn’t easy for him to live a life that Bambam wasn’t in anymore. Everywhere he went he missed the other man’s presence, missed his hand on his and he even missed how he was immature in the most inopportune moments.

And when he went back to Bambam’s house for the first time after a year and gave his mom the wedding invitation for her to send it to him it was as if he was giving his heart away for the second time. 

He did write his number on the back of the invitation saying that all Bambam needed to do was call and he would run back to him, wherever he was, but Bambam never did. Months passed and he never called, so Yugyeom forced himself to let go.