so here i am with another fic which i wrote in one sitting when i should be sleeping. i got this idea when i was listening to charlie puth's i won't tell a soul and i kind hate myself for it. it's 100% angst and i'm sorry. 
i slept two hours because of this so y'all better enjoy it.

disclaimer: i do not think cheating is a good thing and by no means i'm trying to romanticize it. DO NOT CHEAT!

It wasn’t supposed to happen like this.

When Bambam first met Yugyeom he was sure he wasn’t even going to like the guy. Yuri always went for the jackasses, the bad boys™, and Bambam was ready to deal with that kind of guy. What he wasn’t ready was to meet a guy much taller than him and the sweetest and nicest person he’s met in a while, with a passion for dance that his eyes glowed every time he talked about it.

One thing about Bambam is that he tends to think with his a lot of the time, which always turns out to be a problem for him, and this time is not an exception.

Yugyeom is a very attractive man. He’s tall, his chocolate colored hair falls on his forehead slightly parting in the middle, and he as the cutest mole under his eye that makes Bambam scream internally whenever he looks at it. He always forces himself to look away from his lips because they always look so beautiful and inviting, and Bambam’s own itch to kiss him so badly every time he sees him.

If anyone asks Bambam he’ll tell them he extended his staying in Thailand because he was homesick after being away for two years, but the reality is that he developed the stupidest crush in the world for his cousin’s boyfriend and he kind of spent two whole hours trying to convince his boss to work from Thailand for a while, but no one needs to know about that.

He was supposed to stay in Thailand for three weeks, he had worked two years straight without a single vacation and he deserved this time away, but his cousin had the brilliant idea of forcing Bambam to hangout with Yugyeom every day for the entirety of his vacations. Apparently the guy didn’t have any friends in Thailand and that made him overwork himself a lot more than he would if he had anyone to hangout with, so Yuri made her boyfriend take sometime out and just relax, and it just so happened that Bambam was in town during that time. At first he was really forced to do it, he’s not gonna lie, he just wanted to be alone and spend time his mom and his siblings, not trying to pretend he liked to spend time with someone he didn’t really know, he did plenty of that already back in the UK. But the more the two of them spent time together, the more Bambam realized he wasn’t being forced to do it anymore, that he didn’t force his smiles anymore, or his laughs. He genuinely liked to spend time with Yugyeom and at first that kind of took him by surprise.

Finding out they had so much in common, like their musical taste or how Bambam used to dance until he finished university and stopped having time to do it anymore, made the awkwardness that had been there since the first moment go away. So when the two weeks came to an end Bambam realized he didn't really want to leave, that he hates the idea of not spending time with Yugyeom anymore, but he pushes down those thoughts and pretends the reason that his been trying to convince his boss for the past two hours that he can work from Thailand for some time instead of going back to the UK is solely because he is homesick.

He realizes his crush is not a crush anymore when he’s seriously considering looking for a job in Thailand and quit the one he has in the UK all together. He knows he’s ed, he knows it’s wrong, but he convinces himself that it’s okay to be in love with your cousin’s boyfriend if you don’t act on it, if he can force himself to pretend he doesn’t feel anything.

Everything is going smoothly, with Bambam successfully pretending Yugyeom is just a really close friend, when the other goes back to work and Bambam goes by the studio to watch him dance.

The way Yugyeom moves and the way he feels the music, the passion that just irradiates from him with each move he does, has Bambam unable stop himself from following every movement, his mouth slightly open, no matter who many times he tried to close it.

“Do you wanna dance?” Yugyeom asks and Bambam is brought back to reality.

“No, no, no!” He refuses. “I haven't danced in six years, I’ll probably look like a headless chicken. Maybe another day.”

“Oh, c’mon, I’ve seen some videos of you dancing back in the day. You were really good,” he starts. “I’m pretty sure you didn’t just forget how to dance.”

“Sometimes I really hate Yuri, please make sure to tell her that,” he laughs and he gets up because he knows there’s no way he’s running way from this.

“She just really wanted us to bond.”

Bambam really regrets not dressing more comfortably today, being a fashion icon as it’s disadvantages sometimes, he guesses.

Everything starts off alright, Bambam is catching every step Yugyeom is doing — which surprises him a lot — until there’s one he can’t really seem to get his head over how he has to position his body so Yugyeom tries to help him. He’s trying to pretend he can’t feel the taller man’s breathing on his neck as he talks, or how his touch is sending shivers through his whole body. It’s when Bambam unconsciously turns to look at the other man that goes south.

He pretends he doesn’t see him looking at his lips, or how his face is getting closer and closer until their noses are touching and he can feel Yugyeom’s breathing on his lips, and he almost loses it. He is about to turn away before he does something really stupid when Yugyeom just kisses him, and he’s so surprised by his action that he takes him a total of five seconds to respond to it. But when he does it feels like everything he dreamed of. It’s warm and soft but still full of passion and want, it’s too eager but still not eager enough to make up for all the time he has been wanting to do this, his stomach feels like it’s about to fall out of his and his hands are shaking from the excitement, so he tangles his fingers in the other man’s hair.

“Stop, stop,” Bambam finally breaks the kiss and he’s breathless and feeling like the worst person in the world, because he just did the only thing he shouldn’t have done. “We can’t do this. This is wrong in so many ways,” he says but Yugyeom is still too close, and he’s so weak.

“We really have to stop,” the other says kissing Bambam right after.

“Yeah, we really do,” Bambam agrees in between kisses and before he knows it he has his legs wrapped around Yugyeom’s waist and he’s being pressed against the mirrors in the studio, not even carrying that someone might show up at any moment.

They promised that what happened in the studio wouldn’t repeat itself. And after Bambam got out of there, all swollen lips and soft hickeys on his neck, he was pretty sure he wouldn’t hear from Yugyeom ever again, and if they ever saw each other it would be awkward as hell and everyone would know something was wrong. But again he was completely wrong, and Yugyeom texted him saying that they should have lunch the next day at his place, that Yuri was going to stay at the office working and wouldn’t be able to have lunch with him. And Bambam knew, he knew that if accepted it he was starting something that would end up hurting the both of them and his cousin, he was fully aware of that, but he was weak, he was so weak for this tall boy he met only a moth ago, so he agrees and sentences himself to disaster.

He was teased to no end when he got home and his mom saw his neck, and he had to come up with some stupid lie about someone he had met a few days ago and that he was just trying to de-stress because his boss was being tougher than usual because he decided to stay in Thailand for a little longer. He’s a twenty-seven year old man, so his mom doesn’t really care if he has one night stands or not, or if he goes around having to just blow off some stress, but she still makes sure to tell him to be careful — and he knows his mom doesn’t know about what just happened, she couldn’t have, but it still feels has if she does and he feels like all over again.

When he goes to Yugyeom’s place for lunch the next day he’s not even surprised they end up in bed, clothes everywhere and the only sounds that can be heard are their skin against each other and the moans they can’t keep to themselves.

Bambam tries not to wonder for too long if being thankful for the fact that Yuri and Yugyeom don’t live together makes him an awful person, but it probably doesn’t as much as ing her boyfriend does.

The more time they spend together the more Bambam falls in love and the more his cousin encourages them to spend time together, because according to her Yugyeom looks happier and more relaxed, which kind of contrasts with Bambam himself — who feels heavier and more stressed, always looking over his shoulder and lying to everyone so no one even begins to think that the two of them might have something going on. It kills him that his cousin thinks that what they do together is play video games when their not working, or just dance together in the studio or go for walks in the city, when all they really do is be the worst versions of themselves and ruin each other little by little. At first it’s not visible that all this is killing them both inside, because Yugyeom is a great actor and if Bambam didn’t know better he would think this whole thing didn’t affect him at all. But he does know Yugyeom, and he’s seen him break in front of him because it kills him what they are doing but every time they try to stop they just fall back in bed, love confessions spilling out of their lips as they interlace their fingers together. It’s like a pull they can’t fight against no matter how hard they try.

They are awful people and they can only blame themselves when the guilt starts growing bigger and bigger. Yugyeom starts smoking, and every day it goes by it’s like it increases more and more, even to the point that he’s doing it after they have , and Bambam drinks more than he should most days, but he pretends he doesn’t notice it.

They are killing each other a little bit each day and it’s a vicious circle they can’t get out of, and it’s been three months since he came back to Thailand but it feels like three long years and he feels drained. He’s working with little to no sleep on him and he’s become a little too paranoid, thinking that every time someone looks at him they know how dirty he is, that he is the black sheep of their family. How every time Yuri looks at him he can’t look her in the eyes anymore out of guilt, because every time he does he’s reminded of all the kisses, all the hand holding, all the he and her boyfriend do behind her back, that every time he looks at her he has to see her beside Yugyeom, all laughs and sweet smiles, breaking the little pieces of his heart that he manages to keep together.

He has no right to be jealous or mad, he’s fully aware of that. He’s the one that doesn’t belong, he’s the one that’s ruining a perfectly amazing person and a good relationship.

This thing that should’ve never started in the first place has completely consumed his life. It’s the thing he thinks about when he goes to bed and it’s the first thing he thinks about when he wakes up. On the days he manages to sleep, that is.

And what were they even doing, cheating on his cousin and hiding behind everyone's back?

Yugyeom had quit his job back home. He left his family and friends in Korea to be with Yuri because they were in love and Bambam has no right to take that away, to ruin that. What was he even thinking when he let all this continue? He's filthy, disgusting. He is a poor excuse of a human being.

So when his boss offers him a place at the magazine’s new head quarters in the US he doesn’t think twice about it before accepting the it, because the only thing he can do to save Yugyeom from destroying himself even further is leaving and never coming back, because if he doesn’t do it right now he knows none of them will and they will only ruin themselves and his family.

He leaves Thailand behind on a rainy morning, and it seems only fitting that the sky seems as sad and broken as he feels. He doesn’t tell anyone but his mom that he’s leaving and that he has accepted a job in the US, that he doesn’t know when he will be back home again, or if he ever will. He’s sure his mom knows that something has happened, and he doesn’t know how much she knows, but if she’s aware of his affair with Yugyeom she never mentions it.

He texts Yugyeom before going on he plane that he can’t make it to his house today and that he left a letter for him with his mom, and turns his phone off right after.

He’s leaving Yugyeom behind and he doesn’t dare himself to look back, because he knows if he does he will just leave the plane and run off into the arms of the man he’s so in love with.

//

To say that his adaptation to the US as been hard is an understatement. It has nothing to do with the culture or because of how different the weather in LA is from London or Thailand, and everything to do with the hole in his heart and the part of him that he left back home and that makes him look up plane tickets to Thailand every day, and the missing body cuddling next to his in bed and how he misses the way he just fits in Yugyeom’s embrace.

He’s made friends, good friends. In the five months he’s been in LA as editor chief of FLY Magazine he’s met great people, people that make him forget all he left behind, all he did and how filthy he feels, but people who also make him miss home, and his family, and Yugyeom. No matter how much he loves Mark and Jackson, it still leaves him at the verge of a breakdown every time they are all lovey dovey and cute with each other — which unfortunately for Bambam is every five minutes.

But he copes with it by immersing himself in his work and making the magazine the best magazine he can. Making it one of the best and the second best selling fashion magazine in the whole country at the end of the year. And he’s happy, he really is, and the first person he wants to tell the news to is Yugyeom but he doesn't when he realizes he erased his phone number from his phone, and he manages to stop himself from dialing it — because no matter how hard he tries he still knows it by heart —, so he decides to drink. He drinks until he can’t remember the other man's phone number, he drinks until he can forget the feeling of Yugyeom’s hands on his body and how it felt when he kissed him or when he touched him just like how he loved it. How Yugyeom knew every inch of his body like a pianist knows the keys of their piano with their eyes closed, how they know just the right keys to play to make the melody sound just perfect.

The hole in his heart only grows bigger when five weeks later Yugyeom’s and Yuri’s wedding invitation comes in the mail. He looks at it and his hands are shaking from the moment he picks it up, and he only realizes he’s crying when tears start to fall on the perfect picture of the couple smiling at him like they are making fun of his pain. He tells himself that he’s fine, that he’s happy that Yugyeom managed to pull himself together and that they are both together as they should be, but the next moment he’s breaking down, sobbing and ripping the invitation apart, breaking everything he can put his hands on and screaming how much he hates himself, how filthy and disgusting he is because no matter how long it has been and no matter how hard he tries he can’t stop himself from being in love with his cousin’s fiancé.