Your warm hands offer love
While your embrace is the definition of forever
And your eyes-
Your eyes look like home

He stops writing when he feels a hand wrapping his shoulders from behind. The hand behind him feels warm against his back in contrast with the cold sea breeze. Kyungsoo turns his head just enough to see the person behind him. He smiles.

“What are you writing?” That person asks while taking his position besides him. The beach sand feels soft against their feet. Said person tilts his head to see the content of the open pages.

“About you.” He smiles again while looking at that person, waiting for a reaction.

“About me?” Jongin smiles. He scoops closer, taking the book from Kyungsoo’s hand.

“Hmm... “ Kyungsoo nods.

Jongin starts reading. His voice laps with the soft sound of waves crashing the shore.

All throughout the reading, Kyungsoo locks his eyes to Jongin, enjoying the soothing smiles Jongin makes while reading.

“And your eyes-“ Jongin suddenly retorts Kyungsoo’s gaze towards him. “Your eyes look like home.”

Kyungsoo smiles for the nth time as Jongin finishes reading. He takes the book from Jongin and closes it. “That’s all.”

Jongin smiles. “Thanks, love,” he softly says and stands up. “Let’s go home,” he says while his right hand gesturing for Kyungsoo to hold it.

Kyungsoo slowly stands up, left hand reaching for Jongin’s while his right hand holding his book. “Home,” he repeats.

They both walk leisurely along the beach, feet sometimes touching the lasts of tiny waves, hair slightly ruffled by the sea breeze.

-

The sound of something frying on a pan fills the kitchen.

Kyungsoo lifts the fried sunny side up onto a plate.
Jongin, who has his arms wrapped around Kyungsoo’s waist from behind just smiles. Sunny side up is his favourite.

Kyungsoo likes it scrambled.

With Kyungsoo setting the toasts on their plates, their breakfast is ready. They always have their breakfast simple, toasts with eggs, pancakes or just cereals and milks.

Jongin kisses Kyungsoo’s forehead before letting go of Kyungsoo and sits at the dining table.

As they eat, they fill the silence with mundane conversation. “How’s your writing going?” Jongin asks with a mouth full of toasts.

“Good, I think. I got stuck somewhere but I managed to continue.” Kyungsoo answers slowly.

Jongin nods.

Kyungsoo is a writer. He needed a house away from the hustle and bustle of city- which is why they chose to buy a house near the beach. It’s calming and Kyungsoo likes it a bit too much.

“Jongin,” Kyungsoo blurts suddenly. He swallows hard and stares at his plate.

“Yes?” Jongin lifts his head and looks at Kyungsoo.

“I’ve been missing you.” Kyungsoo says while his eyes still on the plate and right hand poking the scrambled eggs mindlessly with fork.

Jongin says nothing, but he smiles.

Sadly so.

-

Another page is flipped again. Kyungsoo smiles as he looks at the photos on that page. He is sitting on his bed now with his favourite photo album opened. Kyungsoo traces slowly the picture of which he was sleeping with his head on Jongin’s chest, from when Jongin secretly captured the moment.

Kyungsoo feels the bed sinks a little and soon, a familiar hand wraps his shoulders.

“Looking at our photos?” Jongin asks.

Kyungsoo smiles and nods a little. He continues looking.

Next to the photo was when him and Jongin were strolling at the beach some time ago. Jongin’s right hand was hugging his waist tightly while his left hand holding the camera to snap their picture. He remembers that before the picture was taken, he was running along the beach as Jongin tried to catch him. He remembers it vividly.

-

Kyungsoo ran across the sand beach as fast as he could with a camera in his hand. Not far behind him was Jongin running after him.

“You promised you would kiss me if I pose with pouty lips! Now where’s the kiss?!” Jongin shouted.

Kyungsoo looked behind and just laughed. “Never!” He continued running.

But not long after that, a pair of strong hands caught him from behind. Jongin scooped him with his arms, took the camera away and lifted Kyungsoo off the ground.

“Oh my God!” Kyungsoo shouted and laughed.

Jongin then spun him around and as he settled Kyungsoo down, he showered Kyungsoo’s face with pecks.

Kyungsoo giggled.

“You bad kid, take that.” Jongin said and lifted the camera to take picture. “I managed to catch this badly behaved kid. Yay!” said Jongin before he tapped the capture button.

Just as Kyungsoo wanted to free himself, Jongin put the camera down on the sand and lifted Kyungsoo again, this time over his shoulder.

Seeing where they were heading, Kyungsoo protested. “No! Nonono!”
But his protests were too late as Jongin dumped both of them into the sea.

As they resurfaced, Kyungsoo laughed but it was cut short because Jongin was kissing him.

“I love you,” Jongin said, eyes looking into Kyungsoo’s, unwavering despite the waves crashing over them.

“I love you too,” and Kyungsoo kissed Jongin back.

Jongin tasted a bit like the salty sea water, but mostly, Kyungsoo thought Jongin tasted like love.

-

A couple drops of tears smudge the page. And they do not stop running down on Kyungsoo’s cheeks.

“I miss us so bad,” Kyungsoo sobs, taking the album close to his chest and he hugs it.

Jongin says nothing, but he hugs Kyungsoo tighter and buries his face in the crook of Kyungsoo’s neck.

-

The window curtains ruffle slowly as the wind blows through the opened windows. Morning sunlight drifts into the room, bathing a body on a bed with warmness.

Kyungsoo stirs from his sleep. He opens his eyes and squints because the sunlight is blinding.

And suddenly there are knocks on his door. After that comes Luhan’s voice.

“Kyungsoo-ah! Kyungsoo! Are you awake now?”

Kyungsoo sighs. He closes his eyes for a few seconds before slowly sitting on the bed. As he gets up, something feels heavy in his arms. Kyungsoo stares at the photo album. He didn’t realize that he’s been sleeping while hugging the album all night. He sighs again before getting off the bed as the knocks and voice calling his name become increasingly loud and annoying. His head feels heavy and it’s aching.

He runs a hand through his messy hair and opens the door.
Luhan raises his eyebrows as he looks at Kyungsoo. “Don’t tell me that you forget about our meet up at 12 today.”

Hearing that, Kyungsoo groans. Damn. He really forgot about that. They- him, Luhan, Sehun, Chanyeol, Baekhyun and some other of his closest friends already promised to meet today. It’s their monthly gathering they’d done for quite a few years. “Ugh. Sorry, I-“.

Luhan looks at Kyungsoo pitifully. “It’s okay. We still have time. Go wash up and change now.” And he shoves Kyungsoo to the bathroom. “But be quick! I’ll wait for you.” Luhan shouts as Kyungsoo closes the bathroom door.

Just as the door shuts, Luhan looks around the house and sighs. This place is a mess. And it’s not like Kyungsoo at all as the living room is abandoned unclean, empty cans of beers scatter on the floor and the dishes left unwashed in the sinks. Kyungsoo is always a neat person. He should be.

While waiting for Kyungsoo, Luhan cleans the place as much as he can.

-

The meet up goes well as usual. Only that Kyungsoo keeps his mouth shuts all the time. Answering only when asked and with very few words contained in his answers.

“Let’s go bowling tonight!” Baekhyun suggests with a voice that sounds too cheerful for Kyungsoo’s ears.

“Oh yes, let’s do that! It’ll be fun!” Tao is already excited.

Luhan looks at his best friend who sits beside him. “Kyungsoo? You’re joining, right?”

“Huh? Yes?” Kyungsoo seems like he’s just snapped from daze.

“They’re going for bowling tonight. You’re coming, right?” Luhan asks again.

Kyungsoo stares and pokes his pasta with his fork. He doesn’t have any appetite and only ate a quarter of it. “Maybe not.” He answers slowly.

“Why?” Sehun whines.

“Yeah, why? You have to get out from your house sometimes and do something fun instead of just staying indoor with your books.” Chanyeol adds.

“It’s okay. There’s Jongin.” Kyungsoo answers in a very low voice, but it’s enough for them to hear and makes everyone’s actions come to a halt.

All pair of eyes stare to Kyungsoo’s direction.

-

Luhan glances at Kyungsoo besides him.

Kyungsoo is staring out the window, watching as they pass by the familiar road to his house.

Fifteen minutes later, Luhan’s car pulls up in front of Kyungsoo’s house.

As Kyungsoo unbuckles his seatbelt, Luhan clears his throat. “Kyungsoo, how long has it been?” Luhan asks cautiously.
“Has been what?”

“You seeing Jongin.”

"I'm always seeing him." Kyungsoo shrugs nonchalantly.

Luhan sighs. "You have to stop this, Kyungsoo."

Hearing that, Kyungsoo turns his head sharply at Luhan. “What are you talking about?”

“You know enough of what I’m talking about.”

Kyungsoo huffs. “I am not having delusion! He’s real. He’s still here.”

“Kyungsoo, you have to wake up! You have to accept the fact that he’s gone. He’s not here with us anymore.”

Kyungsoo cups both of his ears with his hands. “No! I don’t want to hear anything anymore.”

“Kyungsoo,” Luhan’s voice softens. He pulls Kyungsoo’s hands and clutches them tight. “I know it’s hard. It’s hard for everyone. But this is the reality, Kyungsoo. He died. Jongin died months ago. And you can’t live like this. You have to get up. You have to continue living.”

“No.” Kyungsoo answers shortly, pulls his hands away from Luhan and dashes out from the car.

“Hey! Kyungsoo!” calls Luhan from his car. But Kyungsoo ignores him and gets inside his house.

As he shuts the door behind him with a loud thump, Kyungsoo runs a hand through his hair and takes a deep breath. But as he exhales, he bursts into tears.

He admits it. He knows he’s having delusion. Because he needs Jongin that much.

And the fact that when he entered his house just now; dark, empty and lonely, with no Jongin to hug and calm him in his most vulnerable state, makes his chest aches.

He misses Jongin.

He remembers clearly how Jongin was crossing the road to get to him who’s waiting across it, because they promised to go home together after work and a car driven at full speed headed straight towards Jongin. And that’s when it happened. He remembers seeing red, lots of red and suddenly Jongin was dying in his arms and Jongin had looked at him like he’s the only person in the world, like how Jongin used to look at him all the time, while he tried to say Kyungsoo’s name with blood flowing from his mouth. Kyungsoo wailed.

The first month after Jongin’s death had Kyungsoo’s heart aching and longing for Jongin. He couldn’t think straight. Everything seemed to fall out of places. Jongin is a missing part of puzzle in his life, and with Jongin being gone, he feels incomplete. He is incomplete.

But one night Jongin came. Kyungsoo just finished brushing his teeth, ready to sleep despite knowing the fact that he wouldn't get an ounce of sleep. And there his lover was, lying on the bed comfortably with a book in his hand. Kyungsoo got his first undisturbed sleep in months in Jongin's arms.

Slowly, things seem to brighten a little.

Jongin always comes by when Kyungsoo is doing something that both of them used to do together- reading, cooking, strolling at the beach. Kyungsoo has a hint that his mind made it all up, but he insists on believing it, that Jongin, his Jongin, is still there. Because he needs Jongin that much.

-

Night has long taken its place. And Kyungsoo is lying on his bed with Jongin by his side.

Jongin is holding Kyungsoo close to him, giving his left arm as a pillow for Kyungsoo to lay his head on, and his right arm draped around Kyungsoo’s waist. They lie in bed facing each other, blanket pulled up until their chest.

Kyungsoo traces random patterns on Jongin’s chest. “Jongin-ah,” Kyungsoo says, voice hoarse. “Why must you go?” Kyungsoo swallows the sense of sorrow building in his throat. “I’m not done with you yet. I still need you, and always will need you. There are so many things I want to do with you. I want to eat ice cream with you again. I want to ride bicycle along the beach with you again. I want to watch the peach tree that we planted together some time ago grows and eat them with you. I want to grow old with you.” Kyungsoo blurts. It may be silly but he really, really wants to do those things with Jongin forever. He can’t imagine his future without Jongin in it.

Jongin’s adam apple bobs up and down. “You can do all those things you said, and still doing them together with me because you’re in this house, our home.”

“But...” Kyungsoo stops his sentence as tears start forming in his eyes. “... home is not home if you’re not here.” And heavy tears flow down his cheeks.

Jongin pulls Kyungsoo closer. “I’m still here, alive in your heart. Keep me there.”

Kyungsoo sobs into Jongin’s chest. “I love you so much that it’s too painful, not having you here physically with me. I can’t bear it.”

“Kyungsoo, listen here, okay?” Jongin gulps again.

Kyungsoo just nods.

“All the time that we’re together, were we happy?” asks Jongin.

“Of course.”

“Do you love me?”

Kyungsoo tilts his head up a little to look at Jongin. “Of course I love you. Why’d you ask that?”

“Then everything is just going to be fine. I love you and you love me. Our love is perfect. We’re happy, and everything that we did together was nothing but fond memories. There’s nothing to regret.”

Silence fills the room before Kyungsoo speaks.

“Jongin?”

“Hmm?”

“Wait for me.”

“Always.”

“Jongin?”

“Hmm?”

“I love you. Forever.” And Kyungsoo nuzzles his face in Jongin’s neck.

Jongin smiles. “I love you too.” And he kisses Kyungsoo slowly on his lips. “Forever.”

-

The window curtains ruffle slowly as the wind blows through the opened windows. Morning sunlight drifts into the room, bathing a body on a bed with warmness.

Kyungsoo stirs from his sleep. He opens his eyes and squints because the sunlight is blinding.

Slowly, Kyungsoo gets up and sits on his bed. He feels like waking up from a very long sleep.

Suddenly, his phone rings.

“Luhan,” Kyungsoo says as he picks up the phone.

Luhan on the other end of the phone sighs. “About yesterday... are you okay now? I’m sorry, I must be too harsh to you.”

“It’s okay.” He gets off from bed and opens the window curtains. The fresh whiff of the salty sea water reminds him of someone. And he smiles. “I’m much better.”

“Are you sure? Hmm, wanna have dinner together again tonight? With Sehun too.”

“Sure.”

As Kyungsoo puts down the phone, he looks at a photo on the nightstand. It’s the photo of him and Jongin. He feels something clenches in his heart, and tears start to form in his eyes, but he takes a deep breath and wipes those tears away. Kyungsoo clutches his chest.

There may be no Jongin coming by to see him after this, but Kyungsoo holds Jongin close in his heart.

“I’ll just keep you here, alive in my heart.”

-

-
A/N: I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry. If you wanna yell at me you can do so at the comment section or my twitter acc. Or my askfm. (talk to me I promise I won’t bite)

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