A month later,

Day had passed with overflowing uneasiness inside the scholars’ spirit, they were becoming edgy about the graduation ceremony, without exception Jeonghan as well. He had packed his stuff from his rent condo, along with Jihoon. They would accept their degree tomorrow. Their parents would come too. The shorter male was accompanying the last night he had with Jeonghan, mentioning how to start the new page of their life with a companion of two coffee cups. Silence, their friendship’s name. Too much silence for this night until Jihoon coughed deliberately.

“What’s wrong?” Jeonghan shifted his eyes on Jihoon. The latter shrugged and leaned his back against the cushion.

“Nothing, just getting bored of silence.” The taller guy chuckled at his clumsy act. “We’ve used to be like that for these years, right?” Jihoon nodded. “Thanks for it.” He added. The latter remained silent as he was in deep thought of thinking his gratitude. Whether or no he was truly thankful of Jihoon’s companion. He did not bother to think furthermore about it, now, he needed to know how the latter could live without a distraction.

“So, what’re you gonna do?” He grabbed his coffee then sipped it. Jeonghan released a heavy yet burdening breath. His eyes that turned back to pivot on the stargazing activity.

“I don’t know.” He retorted plainly. Then they muted again.

Next morning,

Jeonghan and Jihoon woke up, dressing up for their ceremony. A last time before being drifted away by reality. His eyes tossed around to every corner that brought many memories towards them. Especially the memories of ‘her’ who dragged him into the darkness of his life. Jihoon patted his back many times before they left the place heading to the hall where they used for their graduation ceremony.

-

Every cheers and laughter that slipped from many lips, either it was fake or sincere gratitude from each person that drew some colours during the university life. Including Jeonghan with the boys, he would miss their presences in every second of his life. Abruptly the laughter and words became silence after the boys’ eyes beckoned him to turn his body checking someone to greet them. Along with Joshua by her side, helping her to held some bouquets. Jeonghan pulled a small smile towards her but he caught an uneasy air by Joshua’s expression.

Seungin smiled. “Congratulation.” Her voice was cheery, just like the usual. Jeonghan disbelieved his own eyes and ears to feel the same sensation like the past. “Thank you, noona.” They said in unison.

She widened her eyes. “Huh? I had introduce my age before you?” They nodded.

The female senior shrugged her shoulder slightly. “Perhaps I forgot it.” They bobbed their heads in unison as if they were a toy on dashboard while their eyes fixed on the bouquets intensely. “Anyway I brought some bouquets for you. Joshua’s mom and I prepared it all.” She handed out the bouquets to their hand which likely the boys received it happily. “It’s for you all.” She said, a little bit frowning to see their expression which inexplainable. While on the other side, Joshua giggled secretly because they got prank by Joshua’s mother — honestly Joshua asked his mom to put a prank on their flowers. It was the kind of flower that they disliked. Except Jeonghan. “Sorry if it doesn’t suit with your taste.” Seungin pouted.

Jihoon chuckled. “It’s okay, noona.” He said on behalf the boys. Jeonghan sniffed the flower and locked his eyes on her. “It’s my favourite actually.” He blurted out.

“Oh?” She shocked. Jeonghan pulled a smile, tried to loose the upset she felt. “Then, it’s good.” She retorted, a blooming smile came out again on her face. Somehow the latter felt the ease of seeing the smile after a long time he lost his spirit because of his foolish act. They were locking their eyes and smiling towards each other for a while before Joshua coughed deliberately to break their gaze.

“Should we throw a party for you all?” The boys widened his eyes. They knew Joshua would dislike it, only dragging him to have a lunch together after the incident was harder than anyone expected. The last one they ate together was the time she popped out just for seeking Joshua. Jihoon and Wonwoo exchanged glance.

Jihoon shook his head. “No, it’s just a simple graduation. You don’t have to throw any parties.” Wonwoo nodded in unison. He better agreed on Jihoon’s side to not see their bestfriends staring on fire as if one of them wanted to throw a tantrum.

Seungin chuckled. “I insist.” She said firmly. Joshua grabbed her arm and pulled her a bit to his side. “Noona.” He whispered. He was afraid.

She turned her eyes on Joshua and pulled Joshua into her grips to tangle their fingers together. “It’s okay, Josh, don’t show that attitude in front of your friend.” She comforted him, somehow brought an unease to another person who just staring at their locking fingers. Jeonghan felt a burning fire inside his heart as he regretted to see their moment right before his eyes.

Seungin gave back her eyes on the boys, while her hand kept making Joshua to cool down his reaction. “We’ll have a party tonight. It’s okay to bring your close friend, girl friend or parents, I treat you all.” She said gaily. Joshua looked away after she said it. He regretted something.

The rest of boys bowed. “We owe you a lot, noona.” She merely giggled. “That’s okay. So, should we grab some snacks now? I’m bit hungry.”

Soonyoung who was being silent from the start, immediately sneaked his hand around her waist, pulling her to his side and releasing her grip on Joshua. “Let’s go, noona.” He commanded, Seungin followed behind along with Jihoon and Wonwoo. They walked faster in the same rhythm. Leaving Joshua and Jeonghan behind with their tantrum stare.

“Do you hide something from me?” Jeonghan started to speak. The other male shrugged but he smirked a bit towards the latter as if he wanted to win against him.

“I hide many things from you.” He uttered, making the latter choked.  “And I don’t wanna share it, Jeonghan.” He smiled proudly. While Jeonghan gritted his teeth as if he lost out.

From many steps farther than two used-to-be-friends, Seungin realised they left something precious behind and turned around — followed along together with Soonyoung. “Joshua, Jeonghan, hurry up, this noona is hungry, me too actually.” He smiled widely which made Wonwoo gagged.

“Why you should mention yourself?” He protested. The hamster-look-alike one pouted. “I can’t pretend that I’m full in front of noona.” Seungin merely giggled at the sight, she was amazed of their interaction which she thought it was sweet. Also she saw two male that caught her eyes walking headed to them. So they could go to fulfil their stomach needs in the end.

They went to somewhere place which brought them into many memories yet the boys kept silent while elbowing each other why she brought them there. It was the first gathering where she treated them for announcement that she and Jeonghan became official couple back then. Jihoon occasionally stole a glance on Jeonghan who being quiet once they arrived there and bought the meals. Jihoon was seated right front of Jeonghan and beside Seungin. On another side, Joshua was seated on her left side. Soonyoung and Wonwoo was sitting side by side before Joshua and Seungin. The older male was upset indirectly but never let his eyes off the meal though they had an interesting topic.

She sipped a drink and cleared . “So, can I be honest here?” She politely asked the boys while they beckoned her to look at her side. “Joshua, can I?” The latter merely combed her hair while nodded at her question although he did not know what she would ask.

“So, I got amnesia. I only know Joshua, but the warmth I feel from you, it’s like natural. Do we by chance know each other?” Joshua’s hand gesture immediately stopped. His eyes was on her. His heart went crazy, throbbing hard as if he shocked to hear the question at the moment. While the boys except Jeonghan bobbed their head slowly.

She pulled her corner lips to turn up. “How close?” The boys muted which made her baffling at the seconds. They did not intend to give an answer of that issue. She forced a snuffling. “Ah we can not gauge it, right? It’s okay.”

“So beside Joshua, who is one of you that close to me?” She asked again.

“Actually it’s Jeonghan.” Jihoon directly replied, somehow made the boys gasping. Seungin tilted her head. “Oh really?” She disbelieved. Jihoon merely nodded and tossed his eyes to look Jeonghan who frowning secretly. At the other side, someone choked back his rage.

-

After that meal time, Jihoon worried at his roommate who staring blankly at the ceiling and frown nestled on his lips. “You look so disappointed when I mentioned you.” Jihoon pulled himself together while approaching the older.

“No, it’s okay, Jihoon. I’m just upset.” He retorted while kept fixing his eyes on the uninteresting sight.

“Why?” The younger queried. “Should it be good if she never know what happen between me and her?” Jeonghan let out a big sigh.

“What if she want to know it?”

Jeonghan shrugged. “I don’t know.” Jihoon patted the elder’s shoulder. “Brace yourself, Jeonghan. We’ll meet her again.”

Jihoon was about to pack his leavings stuffs and left Jeonghan alone with his thoughts but the latter murmured, “That place that she mentioned.”

The young male sighed and felt pity over him. “It’s your dating place, right?”

Jeonghan did not reply his words, so Jihoon thought he was being ignored again. “It’s good for your reconciliation with her, Jeonghan.” He nagged and shifted grabbing his stuff.

 “No, I hope there is no chance of her to talk with me.” Jeonghan retorted.

“A coward.” Jihoon mocked silently — not wanting Jeonghan would be hearing that word. Nevertheless the elder heard it clearly and pitied himself. “Yes, I admit it’s my middle name.” He whispered after the young male left him alone to recall the remains memories by himself before getting back to his house and continued the day. He would prepare himself well before meeting her again.

 

 

---

 

 

It was a week after the graduation and Seungin occupied herself by doing the preparation of party. That day was perfect for them despite the fact of weekend reminded them all. She prepared the things with a help from her close friend, Hyojung — the only friend she could remember from her university period. They had finished the last part of decorating the beverages after that they seated by each other while enjoying their cola. “You’re ready for tonight?” Hyojung asked.

“There is no chance that I’m not ready to throw the party for the boys.” She replied.

“Really?” Seungin bobbed her head right away. “How if the person that you forgot is there?” She placed the nice timing to speak out her curiosity.

“That’s good, you know no matter how Joshua tried to convince me to not think about that person, my heart keep longing for his presence.”

Hyojung gave a vexed look. “So stupid, you love him too much.”

She replied the look with a happy one as if she was intoxicated by term ‘blind love’ or something like that. “Does it?” Hyojung rolled her eyes. “You are still stupid from the first time we met before our class in the first year.” She puffed her own cheek.

Seungin nudged her. “But you still befriend and stay by my side.”

“Because I’m patient when it’s calling as taking care of Seungin.” She nudged her back while smirking.

“Dammit.” She was pissed off about the matter of taking care. Seungin rolled her eyes annoyingly and wanted to leave Hyojung alone.

“No fun.” She protested. Hyojung tiptoed behind her. “Anyway, have you ever talked to Joshua about that matter?” The other female stopped her pace and turned around to face her. She smiled, moreover, she had no intention of speaking about the issue. “Better no, I don’t want to talk it with him.”

Hyojung sighed. She could not urge the latter revealing the truth which perhaps might be the saddest truth the male ever received. Hyojung fixed her eyes on Seungin who was keen on mesmerising herself by seeing her work with her best friend.

 

-
 

 

It was near the dinner time, Joshua had showed up his presence at the cafe that Seungin had ordered for private party. He smiled brightly once he found her, then straight away hugged her tightly from back. “Noona!” He swung her tiny body to left and right, enjoying the giggles that came out from her lips.

“Joshua.” Occasionally she planted some pats on his shoulder from swing her around which it succeeded. Joshua turned her body in his embrace, he planted a soft peck on her temple which made her flustering once away. She giggled, again. But it stopped once she spotted bunch of boys waited for her permission to enter the cafe. “Hey, hey, you embarrassed me. Your friends are behind you.” She nagged him.

Joshua hugged her again tightly, placing his chin on her shoulder. “I don’t care, I just want to hold you.” He whispered deliberately. He wanted anyone to know that it was a waste to let a girl like her out from their lives easily — he did it right because Jeonghan made his presence there also.

Seungin broke the hug and immediately approached them to fill the seats. On another hand, Joshua and Jeonghan gave a tantrum by their sharp eyes again. “It was on purpose, right?” The older asked. Joshua solely shrugged his shoulder and made a way to his seat.

Jeonghan barely had a idea of his purpose. He wanted to pick a fight with him right now but Seungin came a second later to him. “You will take a seat, won’t you?” He took a glimpse of her eyes which lodged some memories in his mind. Somehow he felt guilt after taking her for granted after the days they spent together nonetheless they met again like a stranger. Jeonghan bobbed his head clumsily and shoved a chair to sit on. Seungin left him behind with a smile drawing on her lips. A sight that Jeonghan probably never took off from his reminiscences — the sight of the same smile she could give whenever Jeonghan was by her side though it was full of a grant she misunderstood as an affection.

Minutes by minutes they continued to try enjoying the party. Glancing side by side as if they were trying to make an eye contact with everyone in the party. Only the boys and two female in the cafe that enjoyed the party while the rest probably be butlers for them, immediately served the food if it was swept away by the boys and young women. Hyojung was naturally letting herself followed the line where they spoke and kept her eyes on her best friend and her ex. Jeonghan occasionally looked smiling at the sight and blurted out some comments of his own but the most of time he spent to glancing at her and listening to her voice or laughter in the middle of enjoying their meal.
 
They laughed so care-freely, enjoying their moment. Jeonghan placed his arm around that girl, occasionally stole a kiss on her cheek as if he was proud of being her boyfriend in the end. They teased each other, including the new couple, she barely had idea of attacking back his friend or her best friend who seating with them.

“Hey, keep it chill, we are in public.” Hyojung exclaimed as she sipped her drink, putting it back on the table. Joshua merely giggled at them and nodded at her statement while Jeonghan elbowed him to stop supporting the latter’s side instead of his best friend.

“We’re finally a couple, why stopping us being like this?” He said while glaring the others — nonetheless they took it as a joke between them. Jihoon chuckled. “Still, some of us have no girl.”

Hyojung laughed so hard. “Eiy — don’t be salty about yourself. Girl always come on right timing as long as you don’t play their heart.” She blabbered, she gave a wink on her best friend who knew what’s the reason she said like that towards the boys. Hyojung was implicitly warning the boys who had a crush on her bestfriend.

They kept continuing the private party but Jeonghan had drawn himself to private section of himself. He detached himself from the chat to the rooftop part while feeling the night air brushed his face. The silent tears ran down on his cheek from no where and no reason. He was feeling down out of sudden. He sat down on the wooden bench and looking into the night sky. He sobbed silently.

Jeonghan’s POV

It was not like the other night where I could pass whole-heartedly. Every time I saw her face, a glow inside her eyes brought guilt and sadness becoming one again. No matter how much I remind myself that she was no longer the same one I knew, but the glitter inside that shimmering eyes told me otherwise. No matter how much I told myself that it was over between me and her, yet I hoped it was solely a pause of my relationship because I never said that I was done with her. I was muted back then but I could say no words in front of her. I was too afraid to talk with her. I never knew what happened during those days she had endured until she forgot about my existence.

I pulled my phone out the pocket, my fingers naturally walked on the screen and scroll every song I had. Unexpectedly I heard the familiar instrument from a song that I never listened since that day. A song about me and her. It was accurately a song I shall have sung to her for our anniversary if only I did not break her heart. My heart could not bear it again, it was hurt of missing her alone and finding out that she lost her memories which the part was mine. She forgot about me, I shall not regret about it, it shall be good for her to forget the part where I hurt her accidentally which brought our bond. My tears kept running down on my face. It was cold to cry in this night yet I didn't care about it.

A tap on my shoulder suddenly startled me. It was her, bringing a water for me. “Is it okay?” I could not speak when she asked me. I could not find the suit answer for it.

“Jeonghan?” Her face was too close for me, although the proximity was not too close, it was still close for me. I could see how addictive her stare for me. I pulled her hand so she could sit beside me. “Just company me here, noona.” The last word was hard to slip from my lips. I never called her noona from the start. She never mind about it at all. She solely obeyed my words and silently companied me who still hardly cry.

“You know I can’t stay here forever, so tell me what bothers your mind.” She was about to leave me — as if she was intending to leave me along in my own thought although she was there but I felt that she was not there, so I grabbed her hand.

“Noona.” I hailed her weakly. “Stay with me.” I begged her, my voice was shaking just like in the past when I got fight with her.

She pulled me to lean on her shoulder. That peaceful place I landed whenever I felt a burden coming to me. “Tell me.”

I could not tell her, my lips was zipper. Otherwise my eyes kept resulting tears on my cheek, I silently sobbed. “Is it hard? Is your day hard?” It was the same question that I longed for. She used to ask the same question if I leaned my head on her shoulder in that secret place but I would never answer it because she already knew it. Somehow today was different, she probably had no clue why I was being like this. My heart was tight of regret and guilty.

However she gave a sudden light touch on my hand, she slid her thin fingers tangling with mine. “It’s okay, I try to understand. Perhaps it was difficult for you to explain and understand the condition.” She talked to me. She knows. I kept zipping my mouth, not wanting the latter heard any words from my lips because I was too afraid to hurt her any longer. “But—just don’t live like this.” My heart was shook.

“Why?” I dared myself to ask her reason of stating the comment. She cleared to decrease the tense.

“I watch every one of you but I put my eyes on you. You are different, Jeonghan.” I gulped once hearing those words. I took it as a compliment from her — although it was not, I guess. I sat up straight. “You lived in different ways through your eyes.” I glanced at her who fixing her eyes into the night sky. It was the same one I heard when I was having no bond with her — the same one how she took a soft place for me in her life.

“You have something that is misery for you, am I right?” She tossed her sight on me. I was like tortured by her stare — the deep one I was afeard of as if she was reading throughout my life without missing a piece of the page. I was like an open book if she googled. Even so I nodded my head innocently.

“Take the bad side for your learning, but don’t save it as a tool for making yourself down, it’s not good for you.” Yeah, I admitted about it. I sticked myself on the bad side of my experience but the one who said it was the one who had the role of my entire gloominess. I passed my days in misery and altered my character into the cold and closed one was caused by her. It was not like I put a blame on her still if only I did not cheat behind her and let her go easily like what I did in the past, I shall have passed another day without any despairs. She was the first one who took my heart away but she was the first girl I broke her heart cold-heartedly. I even did not have a hint of a cause by her amnesia. I wanted her memories back somehow right at the moment so I could beg for her forgiveness now.

“Jeonghan.” She called my name, an overwhelming feeling filled my stomach right now as she called me. I looked away, not wanted to stare into her eyes, not wanted either to face her though my finger leisurely nestled in her grasp. “Move on from the bad side to good side. You probably have so much things to appreciate than regret all thing you’ve done in the past.” She said. No, all things I appreciated was always tagged her being there. All the regret and appreciation I had was always in her.

“If it is about someone special who drive you like this, find her. If she is your destiny, she will be back for you. Otherwise, if she is not for you, keep living on, your destiny will be found out in the right time.” She kept preaching beside me, I wondered how she had the presence of mind to tell me about it. My mind was going crazy, how cruel the life to erase me in her memories while I suffered to pass the day of keep recalling her. Right now if I could be mad at her, I wanted her back but I did not have any right to protest. She was being stranger who throwing her wise words onto me but in another side she was the reason I lived like this in remorse.

I stood up. “Noona, can you stop talking?” The second I said it, I wanted to burn myself, it was the inappropriate words to say towards her. It was harsh but my lips already blurted it. I saw her face being shocked however she tried her best to pretend it was her fault to blurt any words that actually not in the position of her for saying it. I wanted to pull her in my embrace and say sorry but otherwise my body did not follow what my heart wanted.

“Sorry, Jeonghan.” She lowered her head before me, next second she pulled a bitter smile on her face. “The boys must be waiting for you there.” She quickly disappeared before I could reply any to her. As she made a leave, I kicked the bench hardly, not realising someone had watched over me.

“Shua.” I gulped at his blunt expression. He shall have seen and heard everything the moment before. “No, I can explain it.” I clearly observed his fist was completely hard and ready to punch me.

“You’re totally a .” He said firmly. I knew he was gritting teeth while saying those praises to me. I deserved to have it since I surely made a mistake again. The tense became so real, I frightened if that day came again. Joshua showed his tantrum by his fist and eyes before he left, making me delved into my sorrow self. I made a mistake.

Jeonghan tugged her hair behind the ear. “Thanks for being mine, noona.” He was being grateful all of sudden. He won over Joshua who had crush on her before the latter met a chance to have clear status of being her boyfriend. Seungin kept closing her eyes, being exhausted for celebrating and preparing the party by herself — not to mention how Hyojung handed a hand to help her best friend to do it all. Far from the couple enjoyed the night on the rooftop, Hyojung tapped Joshua’s back.

“Is it okay?” Joshua only nodded.

“Hey, you are still by her side though she loves anyone else, right?” Joshua turned his eyes on Hyojung.

“Noona know me the best right? I will stick on her until forever.” He said, Hyojung shook her head in amazement. She knew the latter had loved her but he let it because Seungin preferred to be in official with Jeonghan while keeping Joshua by her side without any unclear statement.

“You know she love you, right?” Joshua smiled bitterly. “Only as a brother.”

“Then you don’t know her. She loves you more than Jeonghan but she thinks you deserve more.” He baffled. “You and Jeonghan are different. She wants to be a strength for him, just like you for her.”

“Noona.” Hyojung smiled. “She did not want you both to fight over her. Better to her to be with Jeonghan and keep you by her side though she will continue to love you in the same way.” Joshua wiped a sudden tear that rolled on his cheek.

“She did not want to be an obstacle for you both. She felt sorry for hurting your heart like this.” She added. Joshua stared disbelieving of what he heard before. “She did—“ Hyojung shook her head. “Promise me that you will protect her.” Hyojung asked.

“Noona— I—-“ Joshua stuttered abruptly. “Just stay with her then before you find someone better than her.” He nodded right away.

Start from the promise and a way from protecting a thing, three of them fell deeper in love but hurting each other unintentionally. Something Jeonghan, Joshua and her did not realise that there was an expensive price for them who tangled by a same string.

 계속