“Kihyun-ah…”

I heard a soft and familiar croaking voice call my name and I rose slowly, yawning and stretching out my arms after a great afternoon nap. I did not know how long I slept for, but as far as I knew, that was the only form of proper sleep that I had gotten in what felt like eons.

My eyes squinted as I adjusted to the light of the warm lighting of the hospital room, and turned my head to face Wonho, realising that he probably had been wide awake for a while. I judged from the fact that his bed was adjusted so that he was sitting now, instead of lying down like he was previously. That same bright smile was still plastered on his face and an IV drip was attached to his left hand. Hence, he used his right and proceeded to ruffle my hair once more.

It took me a lot to glare at him and I gave him one tight slap on his shoulder the moment he laid his hands on my head. Of course, he winced in pain almost immediately, but I held my ground and proceeded to stare daggers at him for his idiocracy.

“Do you have any idea how worried I was?? I stayed up all night in hopes that you would come back. , I even went to all the places where we used to hang out and actually went to your school. God knows why I went to Hanlim and I was probably an idiot to do so, and what the hell happened to your phone?”

I was starting an irritated ramble now and he only looked at me with shock, guilt and sadness written all over his face. His eyes were downcast and he was fiddling with his fingers; something he always did in awkward and situations when he felt uncomfortable. It did strike a sense of sympathy in me but I stood firm and tried not to crumble under the hard exterior that I now had.

“I’m sorry Kihyun-ah. I know you were worried. Trust me, I did.” He finally replied after an awkward moment of cold, hard silence.

“Really? But you were never home. In fact, do I have to remind you that you did not come home for a straight week? It was to the point where I questioned myself whether you were even alive. Your number was deactivated and I could not even reach you, let alone find you.”

“I cannot explain it to you now. Every action has its reasoning behind it. Unfortunately, the explanation would have to wait. Once again, I’m sorry for the worry that I caused you. I’m sorry for the pain that I caused you. I-I’m…”

He was crying and sniffling now, with one tear after another cascading down his pale cheeks. At this point, it was too hard for me not to sit by his side with a comforting arm placed around his shoulder. And that was probably the reason why people took advantage of me so easily, but I just had nothing against him.  

Hence, I found myself sitting by his side and pulling his head into my shoulder, allowing him to cry all he wanted. My shirt was growing more damp now but I paid it no attention and continued to his back in a comforting manner. No words were needed and this was all Wonho needed; someone to hold onto and someone to care for him when he really needed to be cared for.

It had been a solid 15 minutes now and he was still crying a little bit with the occasional sniffles and choked up sobs from all the emotions that he had finally let loose. Being his best friend for the past 7 years, it was not hard to tell that he had been holding the emotions in for a while. It was heartbreaking, really, but there was nothing else I could do but be a pillar of support at this point. In retrospect, he would probably have been mad if I tried to help him since it was rightfully his own problem to solve now.

Wonho was a stubborn mule, and there was no way that he would allow me involved in the many issues that he currently battled. Trust me, I tried many times in the past to help him through whatever

“Are you mad at me?” He said in between sobs after our second long moment of silence.

I scoffed at the question and replied matter-of-factly, “Yes, you son of a bastard. If I wasn’t Yoo Kihyun, I would have killed you by now.”

He only chuckled at my reply and continued to place his head on my shoulder as we watched whatever view that the ward had to offer; a view to the serene hospital garden.

“However,” I continued, “I am the Yoo Kihyun and no matter how you think about it, we only have each other. Sure, I’m fuming mad towards your idiocracy but I bet you can tell that I would always be here for you, no matter what kind of situation you are in.”

“It has been hard, I know, but we’ll get through this alright? I hope that this has been a good lesson that has been forced into that thick skull of yours and it is something you will remember for life. I don’t know whether you are willing to start afresh but even if you do not, I will still be here for you, waiting, even if it is to no avail. We need each other Won, and I think you know that too.”

Once again, I felt the drips of his tears once again and I rolled my eyes, saying once more, “Stop crying already. You’re ugly when you cry. Whatever has happened cannot be changed anymore. All that matters is what you do now. That is all I have to say.”

“T-thank y-you Kihyun-ah. By the way,” he paused, probably to figure out how to phrase his sentences properly and the words he used, considering how much our friendship was perceived to be in fragmented little bits now, “I heard I have an appointment in 3 days, can you possibly come with me? I-I’m afraid to go alone.”

“Did you even need to ask, you idiot?”

And he only looked at me with eyes the shape of crescent moons before squeezing the life out of me with a tight hug. It had been a while since we had hugged each other but I felt my cheeks getting a sense of warmth as I reciprocated the embrace.

Funny the feeling was, a little strange too, but it was still pleasant and I was glad that he was back in my arms again, just like the good old days.

“Thanks Kihyunnie. I owe you one.” Wonho said in the embrace with a grateful tone.

“Yeah, you owe me tons. And thanks too.” I replied with a laugh and broke from the hug, only to be met with Wonho’s famous roll of the eye.

Indeed, I could tell that my best friend was back, better than ever. His face had a familiar glow now, and it was as if God had decided to return his innocence. Sure, he still had his tattoos all over his body and piercings in bizarre places, but his smile was all that was needed to show that he intended to start afresh. There were no words to describe how I felt for him, but he gave off vibes of change and determination.

He had experienced hell once, and I was going to make sure that he would not have to experience it again, no matter what it took me.

****

With enough persuasion, I had somehow managed to be excused from school for the next 4 days. I did not know what the investigating officer or Donghae-hyung had done to convince my cold-hearted principal, but they managed, and only said that Wonho needed someone to be by his side for the week ahead.

For now, his case was put on hold and its status was questionable, but it would definitely be a full blown problem if he were to cause any more trouble than he already had. At this point, it was pretty evident that he needed to be kept in check, making sure that he laid low at the same time; away from the prying eyes of the gang that he had joined.

Or at least that was what Mr Jung had told me. They were probably suspicious of the fact that a member had gone missing for a relatively prolonged period, and it would only be worse for him if he were to be found.

Therefore, I was now in charge of keeping my two eyes on him and ensuring that he was engaging in lawful and just activity for the next few days. It was ridiculous for some, especially for me if someone were to ask how I truly felt, but after all that had happened over this short and stressful week, the need was even more apparent now. We did not know if he was really diagnosed with clinical depression, but it absolutely did not hurt to go the extra mile to make sure.

If getting found by the gang was bad, being diagnosed with clinical depression was definitely worse. It was not something that could be solved within a day or two; it needed months, years or never at all.

After he was deemed fit to be discharged under careful supervision by Doctor Han, the first thing we did was to have a proper dinner. It was nothing fancy, grand or special; all we did was head over to Hongdae and went to a fast food restaurant selling homemade kimbap triangles, gourmet bowls of ramyun (which Wonho loved very very much) and our favourite side dish, tangsooyook (sweet and sour pork).

It was probably the cheapest and simplest meal that anyone could think of, however, when one was a student, cafes and fast food restaurants were probably the most populated areas with students from the various high schools. The food was fast, filling and absolutely enough to fuel us for an entire day, or at least enough to keep us from falling asleep during the lessons and long study sessions.

“Just pick whatever you want Won, it’s on me today.” I voiced out, as we scanned the menu after telling the smiling waitresses to give us a few moments to make our decision.

“Really? I thought we were tight on money? Since when did you have so much to spare?” Wonho asked curiously, and it was obvious how much he had missed out. At that, it was ironic that he was claimed to be my best friend, or even a roommate for that matter.

I sighed at his response but answered his question anyway with, “Just got a few offers from small photography companies who were willing to pay me some money because I took photographs for them. It might sound like a simple job, but they pay pretty well. I earn 30,000 won for every 5 pictures and you know me, I love taking pictures. Of course, it has to be approved by my boss and he would pay me accordingly.”

“Ahh…” was all he said in acknowledgement and we were back to the state of silence before a bubbly waitress showed up with her order chit and pen ready right at her belt.

“Hi sir, are you ready to order?” She said in a bubbly, yet sweet fashion. She had short, navy blue hair, and was dressed in the bright orange collared shirt and black skinny jeans. It was not obvious, but one could roughly tell that she had a tattoo, as she seemed to have a mark that cut just below her sleeve.

Basically, her appearance did not seem to match the aura that she brought across. One could tell that she was a sweet and kind girl, but for her style, that was far from the case.

“Yes! I would like to order one Set A with kimchi ramyun, tangsooyook and chinsung cider please.” I said in a bright manner as well as she nodded and took my order down before turning to face Wonho, “And for you sir?”

“I would like a Set A as well with seafood ramyun, mandoo and a diet cola.” He said with a small smile plastered on his face and there she was again, scribbling the orders down in a rushed, but neat manner.

“No problem! I’ll send in your orders now. It should come out in less than 15 minutes!” She said in the same chirpy tone as she packed the menus and arranged them in a neat stack before placing them underneath the table. And with that, she took her leave with a polite bow and a skip in her steps as she made her way to the kitchen window to place our ticket.

“Damn, she sure is happy.” Wonho said as he continued to scroll through his replaced phone, updating himself with whatever he had missed over the past week from his true friends, teachers and life in general. No doubt that I was a little worried for Wonho, because during this entire time that he was part of the gang, bits of his future might have been flushed down the drain. His attendance was horrific, let alone his results, and it could result in him repeating a year if he kept going on like this.

However, it did not matter much to me since I had him back now. His life and existence was more important to me than anything and I was sure that he felt the same. Furthermore, it was obvious that he had decided to give up the lifestyle that he had been living. He seemed to be messaging enthusiastically in a seemingly stressful manner and curiousity got the better of me as I scooted over and looked at what he was doing.

Not only was he messaging his friends about everything that he had missed over the past couple of weeks, but he had been looking at a website for part time jobs too and he started off with signing himself up with Evergreen, an agency that all high school and college students tended to sign up with if they were looking for a job. It was pretty diverse, from serving at banquets to being ushers at an event, hence it gave a pretty holistic experience at the end of the day.

Seeing him working so hard comforted and warmed my heart immediately. All the stress that I had felt over the past few weeks suddenly disappeared, as if they were non-existent in the first place. I was tempted to ask what had changed him but I also figured immediately that it was not wise to do so. It must have been hell when he was with them and I did not want to make this day any worse by reminding him of his delinquent days.

“Hi sir!” The waitress greeted again, now with two trays and a few free side dishes sitting by the booth seat, “Here is your 2 Set As and these are some side dishes for the both of you.”

She started to lay them out one by one in a neat fashion and she also made it a point to introduce each and every dish to us, “First up, we have homemade kimchi, freshly made on our premises once every 3 months. Next, we have yeolbul (spinach with garlic), followed by odeng (fishcake), pasta salad and last but not least, potato salad. Please enjoy your meal! Once you’re finished, please take this chit right here and proceed to the cashier counter at the entrance. Thank you for coming to Kimsaeng Fast Food and we hope to see you again!”

We reciprocated her gesture with a small nod and she only continued to beam at us and went over to another table to take their orders in the same fashion. In all honesty, she looked like a high school student too and we had never seen such happy and energetic ones, especially in high school where stress was an all time high and was something that piled continuously every single day.

After a short prayer, we shouted a custom “I’ll eat well!” before picking at the side dishes and tasting every single one of them to our delight. Then, we proceeded to slurp our bowls of ramyun and boy, was it scrumptious. Despite the heat from the noodles, Wonho seemed to wolf down his food and it got me to wonder what he had been surviving on for most of the time. However, as I took note of his frame and the amount of weight he lost, it was obvious that he had not been eating well. Furthermore, it probably proved that the rumours were true; harmful and addictive substances could indeed mess with the biological system, preventing one from enjoying the usual diet.

Nevertheless, it was comforting to see that he still loved ramyun with all his heart, and that he was back to the normal Wonho that I knew. Sure, he had definitely lost some of his innocence by experiencing these cruelties, guaranteed, but he was himself again. In all honesty, that was all that mattered to me once again. He was alive, breathing, eating well and one could tell that he was probably determined to get his life back on track.

“What are you staring at? You should eat before your noodles get cold.” Wonho said, as he took a spoonful of tangsooyook and put it into his bowl, munching away with delight written all over his face.

“Oh nothing,” I replied, snapping out of the initial reverie, “I was just thinking about how I’m actually still surviving with you. It’s been 7 years; 7 long years, in fact. It just amazes me how we got to this point.”

Hearing that, Wonho only let out a small smile, raised his eyebrows and shrugged his shoulders. I knew that he had an answer in mind, but refused to share it and decided to keep munching on his tangsooyook while I took his dumplings. We shared them like how we used to back in the good old days and it was as if we were reliving the good times again to make up for whatever we had experienced before. Like they always say, “There can never be a rainbow without a storm”.

If one were to experience what I had gone through, one would probably agree that it was one of the greatest feelings that one could ever get.

After we had finished with our delicious meal, we headed down to the shopping district of Hongdae to clear our minds and seek some peace and refuge in the bustling city. Personally, the both of us felt that the cities were a stressful place at times due to the pace of life they lived, but it was still fun to walk through the stores and alleyways lined with quaint cafes and tiny boutiques. Sometimes, they had interesting knick knacks that we found ourselves naturally drawn to.

“Ppopgi (honeycomb candy)!”, Wonho shouted excitedly, “Remember the old times when we used to eat these at least 4 times a week to see if we could eat the shapes and win 8,000 won with 20 pieces of free candy??”

I smiled and nodded at his exclamation; he was like a kid again, full of innocence, life and seemed to have no care about anything else in the world. Even the ahjusshi (uncle) manning the stall seemed to smile a little just by looking at Wonho; he was donned with tattoos of all different shapes, sizes and colours, but he was still so child-like and unlike how society would expect him to behave.

“Ahjusshi,” he beamed, “Could you give us 2 candies each? I will take the star and the music note, while my friend here would take the heart and the rabbit.”

“Certainly!” The ahjusshi replied with the same energy level and he handed the two respective sticks to the both of us. Wonho had already started eating the candy the moment he got it, whilst looking at me with guilty eyes since he knew that I would have to pay for it.

However, I found my lips curve up and I, too, ate the ppopgi with child-like excitement in my heart. Watching Wonho, he had definitely not forgotten his ppopgi skills and he was still the expert that I knew; it had been barely two minutes and he was already done with the music note, while I remained stuck on the heart shape, nibbling ever so carefully to make sure that I did not break the shape inside.

Seeing that, Wonho continued to tease me for my skills at the ppopgi, like how he always did back in Junior High. Unlike him who seemed to be good at everything (except cooking) and did everything in a professional, quick and quality-worthy manner, I was just different; careful, meticulous and yet, things still turned out like how I wanted it to be.

Finally, after a myriad of sarcastic comments (“It’s Christmas already!), we had finally finished the ppopgi’s task and the ahjusshi, for some reason, had a wide smile on his face. He was different from the other ppopgi sellers whose face fell when their customer won, but he seemed proud of our achievements, especially with that fatherly smile of his. Hence, we had earned ourselves a total of 40 ppopgi candies and 16,000 won (taking away the 4,000 won needed to pay for the ppopgi that we had ate).

It did not sound very much, and most adults would call it a waste of time. Unfortunately, in our situation, 16,000 won was considered pretty hefty for us because it was enough to get us through the day. The school gave us free lunches and breakfasts (for most of the time), so we need not worry about having the lack of meals, even if we had to eat 2 meals a day instead of 3.

We led a very simple life for students like us and we hardly ever went out with out friends. All we did was to wake up, go to school, study and come back home to bask in each other’s company. Yes, I earned my own money from all the photography offers but we had made a deal that we needed to split our respective earnings. It resulted in arguments when we started, but it was only then that we had realised that we only had each other. Petty fights and arguments were going to get us nowhere, so we finally agreed, placing half of our pocket monies into an old glass vase that the owner had happened to leave behind.

In our entire house, it was probably the most valuable thing because it contained our future. It was pretty clear for us what we were going to do, especially when we had been accepted into Korea National University Of The Arts. It was not going to be easy on our finances and all the more we needed to be prepared for it. Wonho might need additional art materials and I might just need a new camera, who knew?

Therefore, we looked at our newly earned cash, smiled and split the cost before putting the money safely into our pockets. And with that, Wonho had put his arm around my shoulder as we continued walking through the town of Hongdae. Seeing him smile brought a smile to my face too, and soon, we were just like two happy best friends catching up with one another. He pointed out all the things that he wanted to eat when he had enough money and started to talk about the future excitedly.

He imagined that we would each find our significant others and live in a proper apartment suitable for families and imagined how his children would look like and what cause they would be interested in. He continued babbling on but I paid no attention to any words that he was saying at this point.

Instead, I began to notice the little details about him; how his eyes seemed to sparkle when he talked of something positive and how his entire face just glowed with his flawless complexion. He was so much happier now and it was hard to believe that the teenager standing next to me could be suffering from clinical depression. It was bizarre, if I were to be completely honest, but then again, this could all be a front.. right?

Wonho was good at that; putting up fake and convincing smiles in front of others before crying himself to sleep in the dark of night, away from prying eyes. I had seen it too many times in our 7 years of friendship and there were countless nights where I had found himself wrapped in my embrace with his head on my chest. He was too vulnerable and with the fact that he had already experienced so much in these short 17 years, it was sad when you thought about it. Pitiful even.

“Earth to Kihyun!!” Wonho said in a teasing manner and waved his hands in front of my face in a vertical fashion, successfully snapping out of my daze, “By the way, you have a very piercing stare so it was really awkward when I found you staring at me with a smile on your face.”

Hearing that, I laughed heartily and he laughed too in the same manner. He found it funny, but I found it a little embarrassing to be caught staring at my best friend with such loving (or piercing) eyes. I did have a strange feeling in my heart, as if it was beating faster than usual, and my cheeks started to warm. To my surprise, Wonho grabbed me by the waist with his strong and robust arm. I glared at him and fought against his innate strength to no avail, especially with my significantly smaller frame.

Wonho was always known for his physique too. He had broad shoulders, defined biceps and washboard abs. Don’t judge, I’ve seen it way too many times when he prefers to strut around without a shirt. He was young and lean back then, but it was still better than me, who was labelled as the one with skin and bones. If I were to compare him with someone, it was going to be my senior, Son Hyunwoo, or better also known as Shownu.

They were too alike for my liking and trust me when I say that I do confuse them sometimes, and both would give me the same awkward looks when I called their names wrongly. Those were the times when I preferred to grab a paper bag and put it over my head, especially when I called them so affectionately sometimes out of habit.

Anyway, back to the current reality, here we hobbled, with Wonho grabbing onto my waist tightly and I struggling to walk with that added weight.

“You really need to work out more Ki. Your waist is a little small, which is great, but I think you could do better with a bit more strength, don’t you think?”

I rolled my eyes and continued to attempt my failed methods of getting him off my back, especially when I noticed how passersby had started to give us questioning looks; some even snickering and I swore that they were very tempted to take pictures and post them on all forms of social media. As expected from someone like Wonho, he was still not willing to let go. He had definitely noticed the girls, especially, who either showed disgust or admiration for Wonho’s visuals. With that, he only gave each of them a wink and a smirk after that, resulting in blushing and shy girls who ran off with faces resembling the colour of a cooked lobster.  

“Do you always have to do that Won? I think you know very well that there are many girls who would wanna date you and I’m surprised that you always rejected every single one of them.” I said matter-of-factly, giving up with the fact that Wonho was not going to give in to me and let me go.

“Hmm… I wonder why. I guess I’ve just not found the right one yet. Besides, those girls only admire me for my looks, body and talent. They take me at face value, Ki. They know Wonho, but they don’t know Hoseok and if they knew who Hoseok was, do you think they’d appreciate me? Hell no.”

His tone seemed to falter at the last sentence and I stopped in my tracks, knowing that he needed a reminder there and then again that he was perfect the way he was. Despite his confident persona that he seemed to pull off flawlessly, he had many insecurities; people had expectations for him and he wanted to fulfill them to receive some form of love and admiration. It did not matter what kind of love it was, he just needed one form from its complex definition.

I turned around to face him and his eyes were downcast; sad-looking, with his shoulders hunched. Therefore, I put 2 fingers under his chin and tilted his neck up so that he made eye contact with me. His lips were shaped in a pout as negative thoughts about himself continued to fill his head; how he was not good enough, how he had failed et cetera.

“I’ve said this many times and I’m sure you’ve heard it before, but I’m going to say it again,” I said in a hushed and gentle tone (or at least that was how I hoped to have sounded), “You are perfect exactly the way you are. With all your flaws and imperfections, that is what makes you unique and different from everybody else. So there’s no need to change anything. In fact, all you need to do is change the thought that you need to change. C’mon Won, you’re one in a million. We all are, just like the snowflakes that fall during the winter. No two are the same, but they’re all equally beautiful.”

Wonho only looked at me in silence, taking in the words and analogy that I had just thrown at him. Soon, a wide smile crept up on his face and he gave me his signature tight hugs again in gratitude and I wrapped my arms around him for the nth time that day. Truth be told, he deserved so much better than he did now. At this rate, he probably deserved the world and so much more.

It took me by surprise when Wonho’s lips were dangerously close to my ear now and I could just see the smirk on his face. I probably froze in his grip but I tried my best not to show it in front of him. He might as well have two very different personalities; Wonho and Shin Hoseok. What I comforted was the endearing and innocent Hoseok; now I confronted the real deal, Wonho.

“Wanna do something exciting today?” He whispered in a low voice, and all I could do was stay still as a shiver ran down my spine just hearing his voice. It was music to my ears, and I could have probably melted if I was one of his many blind crushes.

“U-uh s-sure!” I stammered with forced enthusiasm and a grimace on my face, “Like…?”

“Stargazing!! I discovered this place last week that is just perfect for that!” He said in an innocent voice, unlike how the initial tone was. It was the complete opposite if I were to be accurate and specific.

Unfortunately, the relief that showed was probably way too obvious as Wonho looked at me with the most judgemental gaze that he ever had, before bursting out in laughter. I glared at him with as much energy that I could possibly muster, but he continued to laugh to the point that he lost his balance.

“My goodness Ki, I didn’t know your mind was that far down the gutters. Turns out that you’re not that innocent eh?” He smirked, while wiggling his eyebrows and I only slapped myself with a palm on my forehead.

“Shut the up, Shin Wonho, or I might literally just disown you right now.” I said in a threatening tone and he only placed an arm around my shoulder again, still with that same smile plastered on his face.

“Oh well, I guess we’ll never be able to help it. I mean, we are guys and we’re young so raging hormones is perfectly normal,” he stated with a hint of sarcasm and all I did was whack him on the shoulder again with all the strength that I possibly had.

“I would appreciate if you would stop hitting me-- OKAY OKAY.”

He had no chance of finishing his sentence as I lifted my hand again, ready to slap his shoulder again to instill some form of reality into his mind.

“But seriously though,” he resumed after blowing on and massaging the red mark that I had given him to ease the pain, “I think you’ll really love it, come on! I’ll take you there. For now, it’s probably my happy place.”

And like they always do in all romantic movies, he took my hand and dragged me up the slope. He was a fast and fit runner and I struggled to keep up with his pace, as if I had two left feet. Of course, he realised that when he turned back and slowed down his pace to a brisk walk, with his hand still holding onto mine firmly.

Our fingers intertwined and it was as if they were a perfect fit for each other, like we were meant to meet and become the best of friends. When I thought about this question, there was no spite, anger or dejection. It was just plain innocence and confusion to how our world worked.

And that question was: Shin Wonho, why are you even my friend?

 

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