Promotions had been hectic to say the least. Every single day running from before dawn until near midnight always took its toll, but this time it was even more exhausting – if that was possible. Himchan knew that he’d be the one filling in for Yongguk while he was recovering. It was the only obvious decision, for both the group and the company. After all, he was not only the second oldest but also the second in command.

It was exhausting though.

It wasn’t like speaking up or leading interviews were the hard parts. No, that was kind of Himchan’s role anyway. The hard park was everything else. Between his parts, Bang’s parts, and still struggling to diet day in day out, Himchan really was feeling the pressure.

So many fans were questioning his every action. Was he really rapping and singing? Or was he simply mouthing the words? Was he even talented enough to cover those parts? Was he even good enough to do so? Why was he leading? Was he the right choice to fill in?  And of course, the never-ending comments about his appearance.

Each time Himchan would sit down in the hair and makeup chair he’d ponder those same questions. It was taxing.

With some effort Himchan reached into his pocket and pulled out a piece of gum. Truthfully, he wanted something to eat having skipped out on breakfast that morning, but they were going on in less than a half hour. Plus, gum was his biggest ally in regards to the whole diet thing.

Himchan scoffed quietly at the thought. It was funny, the ready room was so silent when Yongguk wasn’t there. Which really didn’t make any sense, seeing as Bang was by far the quietest of them. It was his physical presence that increased the volume. Himchan smiled a bit as he opened his eyes when he heard the make-up artist sit down next to him.

He missed Yongguk.

Himchan watched the stylist in the mirror as she did her job. Behind her, in the mirrored reflection, he could see the four younger boys; men. Youngjae and Jungup seemed to be engrossed in their phones, while the others were having a conversation with some of the other performers.

Himchan sighed silently. Without Yongguk he almost felt out of place. The two of them worked so well together that it felt empty now. If it weren’t for the stylist’s hands near his face, Himchan would have tried to rid those thoughts with a good shake of the head. However, that would have just slowed down the process, so instead he just let them grow and fill his mind.

Things continued. Hair, makeup, rehearsal, filming, announcements, radio show, magazine interview-

By the time the five of them got back to the dorm it was nearly nine in the evening. Granted, much earlier than the last few weeks but still the energy was lacking.

Stretching his neck, Himchan took on the role of leader once again. However, this time it was normal since Yongguk had moved out a while ago. “Thoughts on dinner? We don’t have much in the kitchen, so ramen or takeout are probably the best option.”

The murmur he received in response only spoke to how tired the others were. For a moment Himchan felt a stab of guilt.

They wouldn’t be this listless if Bang was promoting…   

But he quickly pushed it down. “I am going to order chicken.” Taking his phone he walked over toward the kitchen to make the phone call, before dialing he noticed a message from Yongguk-

You get finished early tonight, right? Channie, why don’t you order something for the boys, then come over to my apartment for dinner and a mini vacation?

Followed by-

I mean…It’s really quiet here tonight and I want to hear from you how things are going.

Himchan typed out a reply then continued to make the order for chicken.

Afterward, he walked back out into the main room. Junhong and Jongup were playing Overwatch, and were clearly losing based on their facial expressions. Youngjae was nowhere to be seen, likely in the shower, and Daehyun seemed to be walking toward the kitchen.

“Hey Dae, I am going to go out for the evening. You good here? Everyone seems to be relaxing.”

“Huh, oh yeah we’re good. Did you order the chicken, or do I need…”

“No, no. It’s all taken care of.  Do me a favor, I know we don’t have morning schedules tomorrow, but can you try and get everyone off to bed before it’s too late?” Himchan’s eyebrows furrowed in worry and he quickly added, “I mean, if I am back late. Maybe I should just stay in…”

“Hyung,” Daehyun paused looking Himchan in the eyes closely, “You are doing a good job, you know? Go out. We’ll be fine.” Daehyun started towards the kitchen again pausing slightly, “Tell Yongguk hyung ‘hi.’” He clapped Himchan on the shoulder before leaving with a smirk.

With a labored sigh, Himchan moved towards the door and grabbed his shoes. While lacing them up he called out to all that could hear, “I’m heading out. Food should be here in fifteen.”

He closed the door to the chorus of voices behind him.

***

The trip to Yongguk’s was pretty short and one that Himchan had walked a great deal since the latter moved out. Although, he had made a point to not visit since Bang’s hiatus. Himchan felt that it wouldn’t be fair to his friend. Bang had enough to deal with, B.A.P promotions were solely on Himchan’s shoulders for the time being.

As he arrived at his friend’s apartment Himchan promised himself a few things; one, limit conversations about promotions – Yongguk doesn’t need the added stress; two, avoid mentioning how much everyone missed him (how much I miss him) -  he knows and reminding him is not helpful; and three, try to act like the stress is not getting to him.

He barely finished knocking before the door was opened and Himchan was greeted by a familiar gummy smile. “Channie, come in.” He motioned the younger in and shut the door behind him. “I order us pizza.”

Himchan smiled, “by ‘us’ do you mean ‘me?’ ‘Cause I’m not eating by myself Bang.”

Yongguk laughed, “Yes, ‘us.’ How are things going? You guys looked great today.”

And in one question Bang makes my promises hard to keep. Himchan did his best to mask his discomfort, “It’s good Bang. Not great, but we are trying. How about you?”

Yongguk was quiet for a moment, bringing Himchan to the couch, “I’m doing pretty well. I think the break was just what I needed. You don’t have to treat me like I’m not ok Channie. I told you before.”

“Yeah…I know. I just…” Himchan sighed slightly before catching himself and tried to cover with a smile. “I just want to make sure you find your way back to us once you’re able.”

Yongguk snorted, “’Find my way back,’ Channie, I haven’t went anywhere. Once I figure things out I’ll be right back at the head, and you’ll be able to take a break.”

“It’s not too bad…” Himchan’s lie wasn’t even masked to his own ears, and he cringed once he heard it.

Yongguk just starred.

“I am not meant to be the leader Bang, you know that. I am keeping things going and covering as best I can, but everyone knows I can’t fill your shoes.” Himchan leaned back against the couch, then muttered, “I can’t even fill my own half the time.”

A knock on the door indicated that the pizza had arrived and Yongguk went to answer. When he returned, he placed the box on the floor at their feet – mentioning something about needing to get a table eventually – then turned to look at Himchan.

“What’s really going on Channie?”

“Nothing. I just miss you leading the group. Don’t worry we’ll stay strong until you get back, but it’s challenging…”

“Channie, I have known you for years, what else is going on here?”

Himchan decided avoidance was the best way to change the trajectory of the conversation and grabbed the box of pizza before opening it and offering a piece to Yongguk. “Eat. Knowing you, you have been eating less than you should.”

With a huff, Yongguk grabbed a slice, “It’s not like I’m wasting away Channie.”

“Yeah, but without me always forcing food on you, that might be the end result.” Himchan countered cheekily. Grabbing the smallest slice he continued, “Gotta make sure you stay healthy~”

Yongguk rolled his eyes but smiled nonetheless and the two ate in relative silence with the television playing in the background.

Once he had finished eating his piece Himchan reached for his pack of gum and popped a piece. Then glanced to his left, before grabbing another slice of pizza and handing it to Yongguk. “And another.”

“What about you?” the older questioned accepting the next piece.

“I’m good.”

“Channie, I know that you’re under a lot of-“       

“Don’t worry about it Bang. I am just doing my part. Once our powerful, wonderful, strong, talented..uh…y, unique…uh…and…great leader returns, I have to take up the mantle of visual again. And we all know how much I at that.”  Himchan tried to hide the insecurity with a laugh.

“You don’t su-“

“Really, Bang, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it. I am working hard to fit that roll again. I promise I’ll-“

In slight frustration, Yongguk dropped his half-eaten slice of pizza into the open box at their feet, “Listen. You are doing fine. In covering for me AND in being the ‘visual’ in B.A.P. Plus, I think you have proven yourself to be multi-talented at this point Himchan.”

The younger took a deep breath. This is not helping him, just accept what he is saying and change the subject. “Yeah, I know. It’s just, tiring without you Bang. I know you don’t need to hear it, but damn do we miss you.”

Yongguk laughed in response, picking up his cold half eaten slice, “Yeah, I know. I miss you all too. But soon everything will be back to normal; better even. I promise.” He gave a bright gum filled smile before taking another bit.

Himchan smiled in return and grabbed his phone to glance at the time, “It’s only 10:30, did you want to watch something before I head back to the dorms?”

 “Sounds good.”

I miss promoting with you Bang, but I know nothing has changed. We will do our best to be patient.

“How about Home Alone? I know it’s still November, but…”

“Put it on Bang. Put it on.”