It was several months of the aftermath. Soonyoung could barely spend his time alone. Seokmin would barge in himself into the latter. But no words needed since the younger was able to notice him, even in the nanoscale, Seokmin could find a little thing that burdened the older male. However he shall be grateful because he did not need a bickering between them, he could run towards Seokmin for telling everything that oppressed him. Almost all the time they found a single moment in a day to make a rendezvous, even for checking one self or smiling at each other. Seokmin felt relieved when he got a smile from him although he knew it was a thing he would not be able to find in anyone else.

Now, the week for Christmas and near the date for their first meeting. He could recall the memories of meeting the chubby Soonyoung by destiny. Eventhough it was a vague memories, he still remembered the older’s smiles. He was like a light for his darkness life. He discovered how enjoyed the life and undergone many experiences with him. Despite the incident of saturation point that Soonyoung had felt, he could feel it too and he knew how to overcome the problem.

Actually it was a night before their date, their anniversary. Aftermath of the saturation point, he stood in the line between friendship lane and lover lane. He became the one who understand Soonyoung the most but in different side he became the one who dragged the older to go on living. He used to directly confessed his inner feeling, though it was weird for a man loving another man in something special that usually appeared in love story between a woman and a man. It was forbidden feeling but he could not bear it, so he let the words slipping off his lips that night. Nonetheless the older seemed silent and being indefinite. He never told anything as an reply of the sudden confession. His lips said it was a common word for a friend to tell how they cared for. But his action said otherwise and so obvious until Seokmin expected himself to not dream for something forbidden for them. He only dreamt that they could be together until the destiny drifted them apart itself.

Seokmin sighed at his own thought. He shall not ponder about it any longer and let it flowing by itself. His fingers plucked the strings of guitar — the same he used for that night. Occasionally he let out a deep breathe slipping off his nose and made a smoke. Out of nowhere, Soonyoung made an arrival beside the younger. He knew that male would spend this night there, just like he used to do everyday.

Both of them glanced. “Tough day?” The older male nodded his head and released the robe his bag around him. He placed the bag carefully to the space beside him, then he laid his eyes at the across. Those glimmering lights that might be the beautiful scenery in the night he could see, not from the upper place, but it did not cheer up his cold feeling. Also the falling snow added some arts to the beautiful scenery before his eyes anyhow not able to ease him either.

“Is our day going to be insipid and wearying like this?” Soonyoung grumbled under his shivering breath. He clenched his palm hardly as if he wanted to lessen the cold that lingering around him. Seokmin caught his hand gently and pulled the older into his embrace. He attempted to share the warmth or make some warmth by hugging the latter. However Soonyoung did not protest of his act, moreover he laid his eyes on Seokmin shoulder, curled his leg in case the older was willing to hug it.

“Hyung.” Soonyoung hummed in response. Seokmin the older’s hair. “How if I love you, not as friend and brother anymore, will you distance yourself from me?”

No answer. There was only few laughter heard from far that filling up their silence. Seokmin knew he would dodge the topic as well. “Just forget it.” He uttered, barely forcing to hide his gloom after feeling rejected indirectly.

Soonyoung closed his eyes after hearing three words that chafed his heart. “Do you know one of reason that I used to be uncomfortable around you?” The latter cocked his brow, a little bit shocked of the hidden truth that Soonyoung blurted out of sudden.

“Have you?” His eyes widened, his mind still absorbed the bitter fact . He thought Soonyoung never felt that way towards him.

Soonyoung ran his finger to wrap the younger’s hips. “We have a forbidden feeling, I just realised it a few weeks ago.” He spoke in a calm tone as if it was not a big deal to manage himself. “Sorry I just keep it for myself only because I know it will make our friendship to the limit.” He snorted, for lessening the awkward tension between them. “I don’t want it.”

“Hyung…” Seokmin called him, a deep honey voice that melted everyone’s heart in once calling for Soonyoung to stop talking about the topic he thoughts it was a difficult one.

“No, let me finish it.” Seokmin nodded as he caressed Soonyoung’s hair gentle. “Sorry for keep falling in love in the forbidden way, because it was against the Heaven will.” A tear ran down on his cheek, soaked Seokmin’s sweater slowly but sure. “Though we can not be together in the end. I’m grateful that you have ever felt the same way like me.” His grips on the younger’s fabric was tight. He tried hard to not look at the younger’s face, even the slightest glance he was unsure able to bear it.

“When it started?” He asked, in a way he called it as whisper. Soonyoung curled his lips into a crescent moon shaped silently. “Since we met. I thought it was a normal feeling to pick up a favourite on someone just because I thought it was a friendly one.” The younger one felt a load within his heart as if the latter perhaps started to fall on him longer than he did.

“But we have the special one that anyone could call it love, right?”

He nodded. “In fact we could not approach each other freely.” Seokmin let out a big sigh. He knew they suffered from being secretive ones. Perhaps he got a good advice for Soonyoung to enjoy his usual life and how to pass the monotonous life while struggling over the inner emotion that he had back then. Otherwise he got no good solution for his own problem and Soonyoung’s. The problem that lingered around them — which became a concern for them heading to nowhere. They had no answer. Their love story had no certainty. Just because they were both men, raising in the good families that believed a relationship only consisted by a woman and a man, they had no expectation for their feeling which somehow getting bigger without any anticipation. Many times they got closer, the bond and the feeling got bigger. However the bigger distance they tried to detach themselves from each other, they got lonelier and pushed themselves into the fake ones.

Seokmin knew it was hard to have a relationship like Seungcheol and Jihoon had. Both of them had endured the days from being rejected by the families and the public, even some friends firstly had a disgusting look by seeing them together. But in the end, the legend couple had shown that whatever happened with them, none was able to separate them. Their bond was greater than anyone expected. Seokmin was jealous, he ever felt it once in his lifetime. From that point, his family hoped there was no other gay under the home. They only had Jihoon. They hoped Chan and Seokmin having girlfriends out there than being a gay. In another side, Soonyoung — he was suffering the days of faking. His parents might think he would be a gay for Seokmin but no, he showed to his parents about the fact of having a girlfriend. But he did not show how he enjoy the relationship and how he ended the relationship itself.

“Hyung, it’s hard for us, right?” He suddenly asked as if he wanted to knock himself from his thoughts and the memories of questioning why the older wanted to end the relationship he had many times. He had no feeling towards the girl. He only cared for them as if they were his sister and friend, no other reason. But girl would take another meaning by his affection. As the conclusion, she got all the affection by the gentlemen Kwon but they got no feedback for Soonyoung’s at the feeling matter. Because they were not Lee Seokmin.

“Hyung…” Seokmin hailed his name again.

“Seokmin, you know what I’m thinking now?” The latter shook his head.

“I wonder to be your mate in the next life.” Seokmin shocked at his honest avowal. He released their hug and stared into Soonyoung’s eyes. He locked their eyes together as if he wanted to know that he was misheard. Nonetheless it was all truth.

“Hyung…” He was about to burst in tears, still he could able to hold it. “Hyung…” Soonyoung was smiling and cupping the cheeks of Seokmin.

“Don’t say any words. I’ll be your cure whenever you need me the most.” In one pull, the latter shoved Soonyoung into his hug and cried out his heart in his warmth. Both of them knew they wanted to make it official yet the reality hit them hard. They could not be together in the another of being together.

Soonyoung patted his back gently. “It’s okay if we can’t be together and in the future if we’ll separate, remind your heart that in the next life I’ll run to you.” He said calmly. Soonyoung handled his emotion well though he wanted to cry out with the younger — he could not do it, he wanted to be tougher when it came to this topic.

Not far from they were, there was a faint sound of a person humming a song.

whenever wherever
even if we’re not together
let’s laugh always
i’ll be the spring in your smile

Seokmin kept shedding tears while Soonyoung immediately closed his eyes as he heard the sounds. Somehow that person lulled their sadness to sleep and kept living on just like they passed the days as usual. Soonyoung knew the reason he kept himself stuck on loving Seokmin and unable to give his heart to someone else because he could do anything with Seokmin. Just because he could cry, smile and laugh sincerely whenever Seokmin was there beside him. He closed his imagination of his future when the reality had to drift them apart and there was no ‘us’ for them — there was no reason to smile uprightly any longer.

endlessly I keep taking from you
that’s why I cry
i’m grateful and sorry
i just want to hold you
but i feel insecure

Seokmin broke the hug and locked his eyes on Soonyoung who still closed his eyes. He smiled secretly, then he landed a kiss on the older’s forehead. “I love you, hyung.” He whispered.

“I’m sorry for breaking your heart by this reality, Seokmin.” Soonyoung opened his eyes and his pupil was trying to match on Seokmin’s gaze. “I love you too.” He replied, with a silent ‘forever’ words in his heart. He promised himself to keep loving the latter forever and find him again in the next life.

no matter what happens to us
just as always
we’ll stay together

In the same time they locked their gaze and promised themselves about the future, a shooting star passed as if their wishes would be granted. As if the Heaven kept their promised as a gift for the next life where they would stay together and be a couple that anyone unable to separate except the Heaven’s will.

 

-끝-

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