It was the beginning of autumn, but I already lost my urge to welcome the new season. It was not like me, for usual. I used to be a cheerful one for everyone else. Yet I had to face my boredom and being a frank kind. I started to distant myself from my colleagues, even the worse I estrange my best friend. One of the kind who usually being fine with my cold side, but now I was unable to relax by his side. I reached the limit of myself. I wanted to calm down myself, but it did not work at all. The several days I tried distracting myself to other activities just bringing myself to another unsolvable problem. I could not filter my words. I started to hurt everyone’s feeling, even hurting myself. Not forgetting how much I spilled over the bad words to my project partner, my close brother, my group and today my best friend, Lee Seokmin. I was not like I was tired of befriending with him, but I wanted to rebel against everyone that I knew. I was tired of hearing people’s words — cause I knew, they simple talked about lie. They had never been in my position.

Since the beginning of new semester, I lost my passion of finishing my degree. Sometimes I wondered why I fell into this trap of life, sometimes I became mad at myself of forcing too much on studying, pushing myself into the limit and being so kind towards everyone, but in another time I gave up and letted everyone burdening me instead of I putted everyone in my grudge. In the end, I would receive and send many pains. Also, I ended up crying alone in my room. Thankfully I lived alone in this big city, my parents and brother still lived in hometown.

On top of that, right now I was back shedding tears. To be honest — even breaking up with my ex-girlfriend, I would not cry or feel sorry. Mostly the reason Seokmin made for them, then they would rage at me. It was ‘I have another girlfriend’. For first, they would believe but soon they knew the real reason, they begged for an apology to me, though I was being fine. It was not like being in a relationship as part a boredom, however I thought it was not a kind of relationship that brought happiness to me. I realised that I just aimed to make a happy life for them, creating a good memory with them while in my side, I was faking a smile and pretending all the affections that I gave during these times as an adoring way. I meant like — in my mind I assumed they were my close friend, a female friend that I needed to show more affections but in the end they were falling in love with me. So it baffled me. Why I became so touchy after snapping at Seokmin?

Perhaps it was my fault, to make a gap between me and him, but it was not entirely a fault since I tried to not hurt him more from myself. I tried my best to not harm anyone else that caused by my state. Though it would bring lonesomeness to me, it was perfectly okay than hurting anyone that had no idea how to heal and bring me up again. But it was not a first fight I got with Seokmin, I had fought with him many times yet it was the first thing I felt odd. He did not retort anything, he remained still at how I hissed his act that wanting to drag me to — well I did not know where he was gonna tug me, however I complained and said any words that I regretted just now. It was because my good mood was nowhere, well I was being lazy to move myself to any paths he wanted to firstly. I was in badmood. I was bored. I was tired. Now I was all alone. He might be thinking that I was the weird one because I had never been like this, seriously. I used to manage my inner feeling well but it might be exploded and became worse because I held the emotion that shall be shown before. Now it had been occurred. I could not change it, I thought I would never be able to fix everything that I made because of the explosion itself.

I slowly hauled myself to move then throwing myself onto the bed. Grabbing the blanket to envelope me, it was better than anything, none would harm me this night. I would assume like that. I shut my eyes closed but something bothered me. A notification. I checked my phone and there was a message.

From : Jihoon
“you are okay? don’t forget your dinner”

To : Jihoon
“nah I'm okay, dont worry”

Instead of falling deep in sleep, I wondered again, just as usual of these days as if it started being a habit to me. I wondered how my life would be, if I kept being like this, how could I carry on the responsibility of being unordinary college boy. It was not like everything I put on my shoulder, but I had to bear the duty continuation since I enrolled in this university. I could not give it away to someone else. Seokmin had talked to me regarding this task but I was against his opinion, because I was too excited to work it altogether though I had to push myself to the limit. Now I lost the passion of doing it, I had passed up. Perhaps it was the limit of myself, I was unable to urge myself more. Even in some meetings, I forced myself to smile and remained silent at the corner. People might be asking themselves or each other apropos my silent, but they did not dare themselves to ask it directly. But there — there was a person…Lee Seokmin. How could he be daring enough to drag me and ended up asking ‘what is wrong with you?’ which straightaway made me going nuts in a sudden. He remained silent and leaving me behind then while I stepped back to another way, that guided me into this place. My room. A place where none could see me, even my parents. Perhaps this condition became uncontrollable, my mood and my mind went crazy because of a simple thing. Even recalling the moment where I spat at him, this mind would explode in a second later.

“I don’t want it.” I muttered alone in this peaceful area. I started shutting my eyes closed. Leaving the real world with their own problem, leaving all the bull that filled my mind for these years into a dream where I lived in emptiness. An emptiness that longed for a thing which I could not figure.

 

 

 

—

Seokmin’s POV

Another morning, another day. My head was still dizzy. Well — it was my fault to keep thinking why Soonyoung became freaking uneasy. All the words he spilled to me yesterday kept replaying inside my head.

*flashback*

I dragged him after the class. No — it was not my class, I was in different major with him but I knew every schedule of his so I could be as fast to meet him. His swollen and sleepy eyes had distracted me these days, though he had a plenty tasks, he would never be like this. And the swollen parts. I had never seen him in puffy eyes. Even the tears trace on his cheek, I wondered who had hurt him but I never asked it before until I could not handle my curiosity anymore.

Here we were, in the abandoned part of the university, at the neglected garden. He looked like awful, as if he was pissed off. I set my eyes on him, trailing my pupil into him as if I read what he thought these times.

“What’s wrong with you?” I managed my voice which being so soft but I was unable to manage my gaze unto him. I stared at him intensely. He merely looked up at the sky which was set cloudy and greyish coloured above us.

“Why?” He asked, without lifting an eye on me also, his hand was put into his pocket as if it showed that he was uncomforted with my existence. “Why do you ask? Don’t you know what happened with me?” I did not answer, nor react in front of him. I kept my face into a blank expression. I had no idea what happened with him for sure. He chuckled.

“I hate all of your lies, your words, your white lies, your companion. I know you are same like the others. I hate it.” Did he hate me? I did nothing, I never said a lie to hime, seriously. I hate of saying the beautiful untruth toward him. Better to tell the painful truth than saying a beautiful lies, though I had once said ‘im okay’ whenever I saw him with another else in an official relationship. Truthfully I never wanted to hurt him, even once, I did not want. Better to hurt myself instead of hurting my precious ‘friend’.

“You’d never been in my position, being so doomed.” He looked like frustrating of his own life. He never showed up his emotion like this. He was always cheery to me. To everyone. Even sometimes he could be so drastically serious, and the victim of his pensiveness was my little brother, Lee Chan and my cousin, Jihoon hyung. All of us were knowing each other. Jihoon hyung and Soonyoung were raised up in the same school until now, but the condition was different, Jihoon hyung in the different major with him. While me, I and Lee Chan were blessed to have an acceleration class during the high school era so I was able to reach the same year with him and the same Chan was my younger junior in campus. All of us knew each other but none of three Lee had an experience of his deed. His current deed. However it brought stress to me, Chan became estranged to him, Jihoon hyung had no chance to encourage him since the last fight they had. I knew it was the start of his changing aura.

I kept pondering at how to console him while the latter, I mean Soonyoung continued blabbering his words unto he started to take a pace back, slowly gapping himself farther from me. It did not mean that I paid no attention on him but my head went shifting into analyse mode. Later I was all alone, he had left me in the same state, being puzzled over his acts. I wanted to chase him as he ran away from me but my feet remained still like — they were not willing to trail the same road when Soonyoung in this condition. I let him to have alone time, perhaps it totally was a bad timing to grab him out from his weird act.

Yet it was keep bothering my mind for a night. I had not asked him, not giving an emotion once during his blabbering but kept my face straight as I could which I thought I had just made it worse. I dragged myself off the bed, heading to near the window as I sneaked at the wind. It was cooler yet a little warm to caress my face. It was too good for today. Then again, my head fell again in the same circle, thinking of Soonyoung. Suddenly a sound broke my reverie. I quickly took my phone and saw who sending a message to me.

From : Soonyoung
Sorry

I shocked at his sudden message. It got weirder. He was not a kind of apologising through a message. He was a person who directly facing another person and talked to them if he wanted to make an apology. But it — very odd for me. I did not dare to reply because I was afraid if I would text something that I regretted later. Better to not reply anything about the matter though his words did not hurt me right now. Yeah, I tried to understand although it was hard to interpret what he meant.

Out of sudden, “Seokmin, the breakfast is ready!” Mom had to call me like that in the morning…wait, Jihoon and Chan already been in the dining room. I rushed my pace running down from the second floor to dining room.

-end of Seokmin’s POV-

 

Meanwhile in another place, someone had been praying inside the chapel that campus had. At the solemn place probably might bring his sense back, bring his usual self back, bring the healing inside his soul. Soonyoung let tears running on his cheek during his morning pray. It was the only way after many days he was suffering in boredom, his exhaustion that had been caused by tight schedule and unorganised university life. Apparently he was in a deep thoughts and finally released it at once. He had enough battle with his own self. He shall not grip his emotion and grudges any longer if he wanted to have a peace and no burden on his shoulder. It was the most serene morning to him, he felt lighter — just like now, he smiled in his pray. Suddenly a step that likely coming to interrupt his pray, well as if honestly, Soonyoung finished his pray and turned his back to see the intruder. It was a senior, the famous one. The senior drew a small smile which flustering the latter’s stomach somehow.

“Got some healing?” Soonyoung hesitantly nodded at him. The latter chuckled a bit.

“It was a nice place, honestly. But some people forgot how to find their cure here.” The junior male furrowed his brow as if he got scolding related his matter. “Or some people would forget how to heal their exhausted soul through praying?” He added, a shoulder shrugged as a final reaction.

“What do you mean, senior?”

The senior dragged himself to be closer with Soonyoung, seated by his side. “You know, through praying, we could hear God’s voice or at least we could release all the emotion we hold all these times, you could not grip it for long time.” The junior male gulped as if he was preached in the morning yet he did not protest because all he said was true. “So if you talk to somebody else, you would take enthusiastically.”

He nodded. “You mean, like on fire?” The senior male bobbed his head as he responded.

“But people is ..” Soonyoung looked at the ground “..I’m sick of their sugar-coating words.”

The senior paused for a while, looking up to the ceilings. “People will be giving those plenty sugar in case they have no idea to react. People try to support by chance, they want to lift you up but they only know to speak instead of being empathy at you. Besides that people know how to be sympathy well but not with empathy.” Soonyoung remained silent as he heard the bitter consolation. Well—he realised there was no problem with people but the problem was right inside him. The senior male abruptly rose out from the wooden chapel chair. Soonyoung looked at him dubiously but the latter gazed back and gave a friendly smile. “You must be curious about me. But don’t hold it too long, Soonyoung, some of your friend need you back.” Then he left to shift his position to near the altar and continued the morning pray. The young male sighed heavily as if the load on his shoulder was taken off. Immediately he left the seat and heading off the chapel. Unfortunately he bumped into Seungcheol, a boyfriend from his best friend.

“Hey, morning prayer?” He greeted.

“Yeah.” The younger snapped. Seungcheol chuckled at his rude act.

“Fix your mood quickly, Young-ie. A contagion of bad mood is not good for our health.” He advised, tapping the younger’s shoulder as he walked passing by him into the chapel. Soonyoung was being left dumbfounded. He knew it was no good if he grasped it too long, but he had just started to exert himself from his own concern. But sometimes he needed more than a single sentence, a single paragraph to make up his mind. He knew something wrong inside himself, or perhaps it was just a phase where he face the saturation in his life. Yet he realised and remembered what that senior told him a few minutes ago. His mind went chaos as the baffling words he heard this morning from two males were interconnected to each other. He slowly took a leisure walk, heading to his class though it was early for him to come on today’s course.

 

 

 

 

 

—
The clock nearly showed that it was a time to return to his own nestle yet Soonyoung kept remained at the same spot just like in the morning, sitting inside the chapel while his mind went blank. He could not think anything for a while as if he was exhausted. He was at a loss. He had tried a move to pray but none came out inside his heart. But he felt the ease that unexplainable for him, also brought him into the space. He even did not hear someone coming into the chapel for this time.

A person with steady pace as he entered the solemn place, even his breathing sound was quiet. He took a seat beside Soonyoung, nudging the latter just like he wanted to retrieve him from the deep thoughts. Soonyoung startled suddenly.

“Seokmin, you came here.” The younger male beamed at him, his shoulder lifted a shrug.

“The senior told me that you remaining here.” Somehow he wondered why the latter still cared for him though he blamed any mistakes that Seokmin possibly never done once in their friendship so far. Soonyoung baffled.

“Also, I know you are worn out. So you must be here.” The younger added. The older merely cocked an eyebrow. “How?”

“Will you give a chance for me to explain it all now?” Soonyoung nodded quietly.

“First, you are enough with everything.” He blinked, “you thought but honestly you are getting sensitive easily. You are tired of hearing people’s comments when you aren't asking for it.” Soonyoung gasped at once. “You had worked so hard for these years, yet all the smiles you forced on your face were for everyone’s satisfaction. You know you better to loud your emotion when you can't handle it anymore. Try to state your answer firmly. State your position but never be arrogant to spill it.” The younger curled the corner of his lips upwards.

“Second, don’t pile your emotion until being like this case. It’s not good for our bond and your health.”

Soonyoung squinted at him. “Why?”

“Because you are my concern all the time, hyung.”

“Why?”

“Because I love you. It agonise me when I see you like this.” Seokmin grabbed Soonyoung’s hand and squeezed it gently. “I’m trying to understand your condition but it’s no longer an attempt to understand you. I want you to be back to yourself.”

“Don’t make me thinking too hard right now, Seokmin.”

He sighed heavily. “I want you to let it out, all of those anger inside you, all the disappointment that clung in your heart right now.” He stared deeply at the older male. “I want you to restart the day. Anew start of your life.”

“How?”

Out of the blue Seokmin pulled the latter off the chapel, running their footsteps into the night. Soonyoung did not mind if the younger pulled himself off the area because somehow he believed the younger able to solve his inexplainable misery. They kept running as if they wanted to achieve something that shall not be passed out their grip. Seokmin curled a smile while he ran off the chapel, leaving the campus and heading somewhere he knew how to resolve the pain Soonyoung held for these days. He tightened the grasp on Soonyoung as they fastened their pace. The cool breeze that brushed their cheek was out of their concern, the heating of running all the way did not bother themselves, the sweat that ran down on their temple never stopped on running.

“Hyung, it’s fun right?” He said, a little bit loud since a whisper or normal sound would not reach the older’s ear since wind shall strike down and blurred his aim. Seokmin intended to bring an ease to the latter so in the future, he would not undergo the same frustrating experience. Yet somehow just running out from the campus by holding the younger’s hand, Soonyoung already felt a runaway from his problem. Perhaps it was not good, but he knew soon he would find a way to make up his mind.

There they were, arriving at the side of Han river. The cold sweat still ran down on their cheek, wet their clots but the autumn breeze helped to dry it at once.

“Why we  go here?” The older glanced at the latter, letting off Seokmin’s hand from his. He chuckled.

“Just shout it out your emotion here, hyung. I know you really need it.” He stepped back and leaving the older in bewilderment, though Soonyoung watched every part of the sight before his eyes. It was fascinating but the load inside him needed to be puked. The older yelled it right away, he seemed doing it many times, though he did not shout every single emotion that kept alone, he felt it was fine to shout a single word only.

He panted, indeed being tired of shouting. He was limply taking a seat on the ground. His rushing breath that longed for an air to fill his lungs. A solemn of footsteps sound came closer to him, greeting with some plucking melody that out from the guitar strings, Soonyoung turned his head to see who getting to him.

It was Seokmin. He played a guitar. The latter pulled a smile on his face. Afterwards he hummed some melody.

When it’s hard for you to be alone, I’ll lend myself to you
When you’re struggling you can always lean on me
If you can’t stop your flowing tears
I’ll lend you my shoulder, wet it on me

Soonyoung felt the ease as he heard Seokmin’s singing voice that comforting him. He knew it was Seokmin’s favourite song. They had listened together once the song was released. But he never it would a song that Seokmin sang for him, right before his eyes. The night sky that became a background of him. a thousand starts which likely became the light of his solemn solo performance, made the song bringing some beautiful meaning and indirectly confession to the older. Seokmin kept singing and plucking the strings in the standing position. He closed his eyes, not wanting to directly stare into Soonyoung’s eyes, because he was afraid if he could not control himself any longer.

Even when the light are on you and you feel like your heart is dark
Even when you’re laying down and you can’t feel at rest
I’ll lend myself to you, you can lean on me
Don’t hesitate and come to me
Because you must have had a long day
You don’t have to say anything  

Slowly but sure, Soonyoung sobbed in silent. The lyrics penetrated into his heart. The heart brought thousand regret, he faced many rough days but never wanted to tell every single thing to anyone, even Seokmin not on his list. He kept his emotion and being tired by himself. He ever wondered to share his feeling to Seokmin but the older was doubt whether it was okay to tell him or not. But he ended keeping it alone, never wanted to share until that day he spilled out his inner emotion about everything after the single pull from the younger. The elder looked so baffling at the time. He should have told him earlier than saving it for himself. He should have solved his burden earlier. He regretted it all now.

It’s alright, It’s alright

Seokmin inhaled an air to fill his lungs, then he took into sitting position beside the elder as he attempted to stare into Soonyoung’s eyes and weeping his tears away.

Why am I the only who can’t?
When your thoughts get heavy
And you can’t fall asleep because you’re afraid of tomorrow
I’ll lend myself to you, you can lean on me
Don’t hesitate and come to me
Because you must have had a long day
You don’t have to say anything
It’s alright

Somehow the older male leaned his head to the younger male carefully and kept his tears running down on his cheek. He did not want to any longer to hide it from the latter. He knew it was the best way to share in the end. He could not bear it alone anymore. In another side, Seokmin realised he had healed the elder’s unseen wound in his heart. He realised he just made him giving up on keeping the burden alone. But he did not stop himself to sing more.

Even if no one is interested in your day
I’ll listen to you so you won’t be lonely anymore
You can cry out loud, you can

He stopped, placing the guitar by his another side, leaning off the elder. He gazed the beautiful eyes of Soonyoung and pulled him into his embrace. Willingly Soonyoung bursted into tears in his hug, he knew he could not explain how hard he faced the day and how he controlled his emotions until he was uncontrollable to spat on people who took a grant of his kindness. Seokmin patted the elder’s back gently. Calmly he comforted by his words that “I will be here whenever you need me. I would not hurt you.” Then the older male sobbed hard as Seokmin continued to sing again.

If you want, always
It’s alright if you're alone, it’s alright to break down
Now I’ll hug you
It’s alright, It’s alright

He ended the song yet he kept caressing the back of Soonyoung. “It’s hard to face them.” The elder uttered.

Seokmin nodded. “I’m waiting for you to tell it all.” He sighed. “But you never, otherwise you snapped me.” Soonyoung buried his head, he could no face the younger’s face because he felt guilty after what he had done to him eventhough it was out of his intention.

“I’m sorry,” said Soonyoung weak. Seokmin gave a small smile secretly.

“I know you are tired, so you could have done it right away. Don’t be sorry, if I was in your position, I would be like that.” Soonyoung kept sobbing and occasionally hiccupped.

“Don’t hesitate to share your pain with me, hyung.” Seokmin added, receiving a nod by the older male. “Start from the day we became a friend, I never wanted to take a grant on you. I’m a kind of sincere puppy for you.”

Soonyoung pulled himself off the embrace. “Why?”

The latter cocked a brow. “Why?” Soonyoung nodded innocently while weeping his tears away and started to breath properly. “Because I love you sincerely. I want to be the one who you can lean on. I want to be the one who never hurt you even in one time.” He smiled. By any chance the elder, again, bursted in tears and threw himself to Seokmin’s embrace as if he started to lean everything on him. He wanted to lend himself for Soonyoung only. Because he had none around him that never bring the comfort like the way Seokmin did right now. The younger one hugged back and tightened the arm around Soonyoung’s body which brought the warmth to him, implicitly brought the ease to his heart though to cure the exhausting load needed a long time to be healed.

“Thanks, dear.” Soonyoung said calmly as he buried his head against Seokmin’s broad chest. The younger nodded as he placed his chin on Soonyoung’s shoulder. It was the night they had realised that a hug could be the best cure to comfort each other without words lingering because no words would heal the painful saturation that Soonyoung felt. A human being’s need was a hug in the hardest point of standing upon the tough life, there, Seokmin and Soonyoung tasted the beautiful therapy of being tired of life. Of forcing a fake happy in front of the world. Yet they showed their real inner feeling before each other.

 

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