i.

Joonmyun leans forward on his forearms, the rough cement digging into his skin and he looks down, past the glowing SMTown sign, to the lit up street. He watches cars drive by, wondering where their destination will make them end up. Maybe to a restaurant in the heart of Seoul, maybe to the Han River. All solid concrete places that exist. Joonmyun doesn't know where his destination will take him, he doesn't know where his point b is.

He hasn't been training for long, just barely over a year, but there's a dread clawing at the back of his mind like no other. That fear of not knowing his certain future, of wondering if this big shooting star he's chasing will always be just out of reach.

His rational mind wants him to stop this, to just become a doctor, or a lawyer, something his parents want, something concrete. The other part of his mind is telling him to keep running, keep chasing after his shooting star because no matter what he'll still be able to say he did it. That he tried and it was good enough for him even if he didn't debut.

The cars don't stop to listen to his screaming mind, the people don't unroll their windows to reassure him that this is all worth it. They keep speeding down the road to their concrete point b, leaving Joonmyun stuck halfway between with a flat tire. He sighs resting his chin against his arms looking towards the west, the sun painting the sky reds and oranges, but the city is blocking his view, he'll never see the whole picture.

Joonmyun hears the door to the rooftop squeak open then knock against the brick that he shoved in the door frame to keep it open. His skin prickles with worry, he'll be scolded if an adult found him up here. He listens to the crunch of shoes against the loose gravel of the roof get louder, then stop directly next to him.

"Hey," a voice sounds through the light breeze at the top of the building. It's not quite familiar, but not unfamiliar either. Maybe Joonmyun had heard it in passing, or in one of the practice rooms filled with other trainees like him. The voice is deep and sure but shy at the same time, Joonmyun knows he's safe for the time being. He looks over to see another trainee leaning against the cement wall next to him, his hair is dark and cut short, his face slender. Joonmyun thinks that if the stranger was a bit bulkier, less lanky, he'd be intimidated by his height.

"Hi," Joonmyun smiles and nods at the other trainee, and he wishes he could remember his name. "You're not here to get me in trouble are you?"

The trainee stares at Joonmyun for a minute, like he's processing what he said, and oh, he probably doesn't speak Korean fluently. Joonmyun doesn't know Chinese that well, just a few words, and he really doesn't know any English. He doesn't know much of any other language, really.

"Um, I'm sorry, I- don't know," Joonmyun starts to ramble, feeling embarrassed that he can't communicate properly.

"I'm not here to get you in trouble," the other male says slowly, his Korean is accented horribly, but Joonmyun won't complain because that's not polite or fair. "Sorry, I'm not good at Korean yet."

Joonmyun shakes his head and chuckles, the other boy shouldn't be apologizing, he's already being forced to learn a second language, while Joonmyun can sit comfortably with his native tongue.

"It's fine," Joonmyun mumbles and looks away from the other boy. His little rooftop world is being intruded, but he can't say that he minds that much. He doesn't know why he doesn't mind either. "You can stay, as long as you don't tell any staffs."

The other male doesn't reply and an awkward silence falls between them. Joonmyun fiddles with his fingers and stares holes into the sky because he has nothing better to do and he's never known how to make small talk. It's always been big dreams and future schools and careers. But now there's a silence that's squeezing his brain because he doesn't know how to break it. Joonmyun looks over at the taller male and his expression is blank, like he's completely unbothered by the silence. Joonmyun sighs softly to himself and pulls his lips into his mouth. He's at a loss.

Every noise he makes seems way too loud, like he's disturbing the palpable awkwardness that's settle around them. His shoes are crunching against the loose gravel beneath his feet with every shift of weight, the front of his shirt scratching and catching on the cement wall their leaning against, his breathing sounds like he's been running for three hours straight. It's too quiet.

"You okay?" Joonmyun asks, he nearly flinches at how loud his voice sounds. The other male nods curtly, and God small talk is awful.

"Yeah, are you?" He looks over at Joonmyun who fights the urge to look away.

"Yeah," he nods.

"Okay."

They don't say anything else, not for a long time. The wind up on the roof is biting at Joonmyun's cheeks and it's making him shiver. He's always gotten cold easily. Joonmyun looks in the opposite direction of the other trainee, wondering why he's still there. Why either of them were still there. He's too stubborn to leave, this is his place that he ever intended to share with anyone, while the other just seems to not care. Joonmyun closes his eyes as the bitter wind whips around him, drying his eyes out.

"I'm sorry," the tall male says after an even longer stretch of awkward silence. Joonmyun opens his eyes and looks over to where he's standing, leaning against the wall just like himself.

"For?"

"Your thoughts," the boy taps his temple a few times. "They're so loud. I can tell you don't want me up here."

Joonmyun's lips part a little in shock, though he's not entirely wrong, he realizes how rude it is. This isn't his, he only wants it to be. He furrows his eyebrows and wrings his hands together.

"No, I- I don't mind that you're up here," his voice is shaky with the lie, quavering like he knows he'll be caught. He'll just blame it on the cold wind. The other smiles softly and shakes his head a little.

"Then tell me you want me to stay," he challenges and it takes Joonmyun off guard. He opens and closes his mouth, probably looking like a fish. He has no right to tell the boy he can't come up here. The other trainee pushes himself away from the cement wall and smiles again at Joonmyun, tight lipped and polite, he knows he won't get what he wants. Joonmyun has never been a people pleaser.

"That's alright, you don't have to. I understand." He turns to leave, walking towards the little sliver of light peeking through the crack in the door leading to the roof. Joonmyun watches him walk away, lips parted in confusion, maybe hurt, maybe disappointment that he wasn't challenged further, that he wasn't put in his place. The boy reaches his too long arm for the door handle and pulls it open; Joonmyun takes a step towards him.

"Wait," he calls and the boy stops, looking back over his shoulder through his shaggy black hair. They stand there staring at each other for a few moments. Joonmyun doesn't know what he wanted to say. He doesn't know why he said anything in the first place. Joonmyun can barely see the way the boy pulls his lips into his mouth, waiting for Joonmyun speak again.

When Joonmyun stays silent, the boy turns back and disappears through the door, back inside to the warmth. Joonmyun's breathing is too loud in his own ears. What was that?

ii.

Alcohol is thrumming through his veins. He's never drank soju before, but now there's two and a half empty bottles resting in front of him on the gravel top of the roof. Joonmyun's cheeks are burning and his stomach feels heavy with the liquid. He hiccups and giggles resting his head back against the cement wall, facing the door leading inside that's held open with a brick. A shoulder brushes against his, a large hand fumbling around his own small one gripped against the green bottle, trying to pry it from his hands.

"Joonmyun-ah," a deep voice slurs, thick with alcohol as well, it makes laughter bubble from his chest. "Joonmyun-ah, I'll cut you off if you don't start sharing."

"Now, Yifan," Joonmyun lolls his head to the side to look at the older boy, his eyes half closed. "You know I have never been good at sharing."

Yifan hums slowly, still working on unlatching Joonmyun's fingers from the bottle. "Only with me."

Something akin to nausea churns in Joonmyun's stomach, soberly aware at the truth of Yifan's words. He sits up and lets go of the glass bottle to let Yifan finally drink the alcohol. His cheeks are a different kind of hot now as he watches the boy's Adam's Apple bob in his throat and Joonmyun's stomach sinks a little further.

He has never had to share with anyone. Not even his older brother, at least not that he can remember. Never shared a bed, not even with his mother. Never shared a bottle to drink out of. Never shared his fears or his hopes and dreams. Never ever.

And it's not that he was ridiculously selfish, no one has ever asked him too.

But then there's Wu Yifan, who intruded on his rooftop three years ago. Who forced him to share his secret space. Who took bites off his plate in the cafeteria, who took drinks of his sodas without asking. Who accidentally fell asleep with his head on Joonmyun's back while they were watching an anime in his dorm room bed, his warmth lulled Joonmyun to sleep not long after. Who made Joonmyun say he was scared of not debuting and tell him about his fleeting shooting star.

Yifan is blissfully unaware of Joonmyun's mini breakdown. He's giggling at something he said and slurring his Korean and Mandarin together, making no sense to anyone but himself. Joonmyun thinks he hears something in English, too.

Yifan lets the now empty bottle clang against the gravel below their butts and Joonmyun watches it roll a little bit before it comes to a stop between Yifan's legs.

"We're drunk and you're still thinking too much," Yifan comments, slouching back and looking over at Joonmyun with hazy eyes. Joonmyun shakes his head.

"I'm not," he huffs out and looks away. Yifan always wins, he always makes Joonmyun talk when he doesn't want to.

"Not what? Drunk or thinking? Because you're definitely both." Yifan reaches over and knocks his knuckles lightly on Joonmyun's head. "Trust me, I know."

"You're drunk, what do you know," Joonmyun mumbles and Yifan laughs next to him, bright and loud and gummy smiles. His stomach churns again and he clenches his jaw, forcing back whatever is fighting it's way out of his body.

Joonmyun never wanted this, he never wanted to share this. He never wanted Yifan, but now he doesn't know where he would be without him. He never wanted depend so much on one person to keep him sane, but Yifan's presence alone keeps him more grounded than anything he's ever known before.

It's not that Yifan understands how he feels, because to Joonmyun, the older seems pretty fearless. Carefree.

It's that Yifan listens and tries to understand, tries and tries and tries. When Joonmyun won't talk he coaxes the words out of Joonmyun's mouth with promises and encouragements and understanding.

Yifan always chides Joonmyun telling him they're in no rush to do anything when Joonmyun can feel the anxiety crawling under his skin and up his arms. There's always big hands holding him firmly in place and dark searching eyes making sure that yes, he really is okay.

Yifan doesn't do things how Joonmyun would, he doesn't chase until his feet are bleeding and his lungs burning, he lets things happen as they should be. He grabs onto speeding cars by chance that take him to a new place and new people and he settles in, happy and content. Yifan has never stopped and thought about the consequences like Joonmyun does every second of the day, he accepts things as they are. Feelings as they are.

Joonmyun will lock himself away and think until he has a headache and then think some more, he waits for cars to stop and asks if it would be okay if he caught a ride. He worries and stresses till he's sick until the circles under his eyes make it look like he's been punched in the face. Joonmyun questions everything and rethinks it again. He never takes a blind step he doesn't put himself in places where he's unfamiliar in fear of the unknown.

Joonmyun had never been a people pleaser, but that's all he is now.

"I know that I love you," Yifan smiles at Joonmyun who's frozen in his spot. The older turns to face Joonmyun and rests his chin in the palm of his hand. "Don't look so scared."

"I'm not," Joonmyun whispers, his mouth dry. Anxiety crawls over his shoulders and down his back and makes him shiver.

"Stop lying so much, I know when you're lying."

"You're drunk," Joonmyun blinks, stares. He's terrified, he doesn't know else how to feel. This is an uncharted step, unfamiliar and scary.

"Joonmyun-ah," Yifan mutters and moves forward. Yifan has never thrown him into oncoming traffic. He's always waited at the other side for the light to turn red and for Joonmyun to cross safely. He has always let Joonmyun take his time. "It's okay, yeah?"

Joonmyun gulps and stares at Yifan, pleading for him to just wait this one last time. Joonmyun has never loved anyone. He needs to think.

"No thinking," Yifan shakes his head and suddenly his big hand is on Joonmyun's cheek, thumb skimming over his skin, wiping away tears Joonmyun didn't know were there. "Get out of your head. Take this risk."

He sounds too sober, too sure. Joonmyun has never taken risks, not until Yifan. His chest is heaving as Yifan's hand moves down to rest on his neck. He hears the screaming car horns in his ears as Yifan moves to push him in front of them.

Yifan's too close, he can smell his cologne and soju on his breath. Yifan nods a little and Joonmyun is shoved into the traffic without another word.

Yifan presses his lips against Joonmyun's and Joonmyun lets out a sob as he lets himself relax into Yifan's arms and their lips move together. He moves to kneel in front of Yifan and twists his fingers into the older's too big hoodie.

"Stop crying," Yifan whispers against Joonmyun's trembling lips. "There's no cars."

Joonmyun's entire body is shaking in Yifan's arms, their foreheads pressed together and he's still crying. The tears are still spilling from his bloodshot eyes and he wants to blame it on the alcohol. He knows Yifan will let him in the morning.

"Please, you can't tell anyone," Joonmyun's voice shakes as he buries himself into the crook of Yifan's neck and pleads. "Please."

Yifan nods and shushes him, his arms encircling Joonmyun completely. Cars honk from below at them and it's almost comical.

iii.

Joonmyun never expected any of this. He never expected to be a leader of eleven other people. He never expected to be in charge of other people. He never expected to debut and actually be on stage. He never expected.

Joonmyun never expected to be in love.

But he is, oh he really, really is.

It's terrifying.

Joonmyun waits up long after the other K members have gone to sleep. He's waiting, just like he does every time. He's just being a good leader, making sure the other six get back to Korea safely. The door handle rattles and Joonmyun stands up immediately, his heart thrumming in his chest. He releases a slow breath as one by one they each shuffle in. Yixing, Zitao, Jongdae, Luhan, Minseok, their managers. They all look exhausted as they wave to Joonmyun and shuffle off to their respective rooms.

Yifan is the last one to walk in. Joonmyun's fingers tingle when he sees him, all his worry washes away with one look at his co-leader. He looks exhausted, Joonmyun knows he must be.

Yifan offers him a small smile and shuffles past him down the hall to his room at the very end. That's all he gets, and he knows that. Joonmyun is just happy he's back.

Hours later he tiptoes into the small kitchen, a light shining out into the living room signaling that someone is in there. He hears someone shuffling around, their socked feet sliding against the wooden floor, a cabinet closing. Joonmyun peaks in and watches Yifan pour hot water for tea into mugs and he smiles softly.

"Joon, I know you're there," Yifan whispers from his spot in the kitchen where he's dunking tea bats into the water. Joonmyun blushes a little and shuffles into the kitchen, stopping a few inches from Yifan. His fingers itch to reach out and touch, to wrap around Yifan's large middle and press his face into his warm back. He'll never be the one to initiate.

"I'm glad you made it back safe," Joonmyun murmurs, keeping his voice low, though he knows no one will wake up. Yifan turns around and pulls Joonmyun into his arms and buries his nose in Joonmyun's hair. Joonmyun relaxes into him and inhales deeply into the older's chest. He still smells the same. It makes Joonmyun smile.

"I missed you so much," Yifan says into Joonmyun's hair and Joonmyun looks up at him. He will always worry that there will be a day when Yifan won't miss him. When Yifan won't want to hold him in his arms and kiss him. After all, keeping things like this hidden are only bound to fall apart. "Stop thinking and let me kiss you."

Joonmyun lets himself relax as much as he can and he nods. "Okay." He waits for Yifan to lean down before he tippy toes up to press his lips against the older's. He threads his fingers through Yifan's bleached out hair and Yifan's large hands are on his hips, moving down below his , scooping him up by his thighs, holding Joonmyun against his body. Joonmyun hooks his legs behind Yifan to help hold him up and nips at Yifan's lower lip. A deep sound makes Yifan's chest vibrate against Joonmyun's making him blush.

"I really missed you," Yifan mumbles and his voice almost cracks, he sounds so desperate and Joonmyun only kisses him deeper, tugging at his hair and into Yifan's mouth against his teeth and cheeks.

"I wish," Joonmyun breathes out when he pulls away finally and Yifan lets him sink back down to the floor. "I wish you could stay here with me. I wish we could drop everything and leave and-"

"Joonmyun." Yifan silences him with a kiss. "Joonmyun stop, I'm here now."

Joonmyun swallows around the lump in his throat and nods. He didn't really mean it. Sure he wants Yifan to stay, but he doesn't want to leave, he could never leave. Joonmyun reaches up and rubs his thumb along Yifan's cheek and pulls him down into one more kiss.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry."

"I love you."

"I love you more."

Joonmyun kisses Yifan again, until his lungs are burning and he feels dizzy and he can only hope Yifan feels the same way.

Joonmyun runs his hands down Yifan's arms and lines his small hands up with Yifan's. He watches as their fingers lace together, and it's far from a perfect fit. Yifan's hands are two sizes bigger than his own but he still loves the way it feels. How it's a little difficult to hold onto. Joonmyun pulls their intertwined fingers to his mouth and kisses Yifan's knuckles gently one by one.

Joonmyun pulls Yifan by his hand to the top of the dorm building and props the rooftop door open with a chair. They won't be in trouble for being up here. There's a blanket laid down on the ground with two of his own pillows and a quilt folded off to the side just in case they get cold.

Joonmyun leads Yifan over to the blanket and sits down on it, pulling the taller down with them until they're laying side by side, still holding hands. The city is too bright to see the stars in the sky but Joonmyun likes to pretend. Joonmyun loves when Yifan comes back for this reason only. They have their rooftop that he willingly shares, they have spot in the sky above the dorms that belong to them and their secrets. They have their soft kisses and whispers and laughs that no one else is allowed to have.

They make wishes from airplanes and write promises in between the blinking satellites.

"Yifan," Joonmyun mumbles as he rolls into Yifan's side, letting his warmth seep through his skin and warm him to his bones. Yifan drapes his arm over Joonmyun's middle and presses his lips to his hair with a hum. "You've done so many things for me that I could never begin to count. You've changed me in so many ways I don't think I could ever go back to who I was before."

"Do you want to?" Yifan rubs his hand up and down Joonmyun's back and the younger shakes his head.

"No, I only want to move forward with you and the rest of the members. I like how I am right now."

Joonmyun feels Yifan nod and he smiles. "Do you like who you are right now, too?"

"I think as long as I have you around, I like it."

Joonmyun looks up at the older, who has a small smile on his pouty lips and sincerity in his eyes. Joonmyun cranes his neck up slightly and brushes his lips against Yifan's gently who lets out a slow breath and pulls Joonmyun closer to his chest. Yifan kisses him gently, taking his time to savor, letting Joonmyun savor. They'll never get this outside of their rooftop, but for now it's enough to make Joonmyun happy.

iv.

There are hundreds of books on how to cope with the lost of a loved one. Joonmyun's mother made him read them all when his grandfather died when he was ten. She told him that he would find peace for his grief in those pages along the way.

Truth is, Joonmyun never found it.

They never told him how to deal with the pain he felt in his bones, only the one he felt in his chest. They never gave him a bulleted list of how to forget all the times his grandfather couldn't be there when his mom was gone and he was left alone, only now to preserve the fondest of memories. They never mapped out a way for his ten year old brain to figure out where his grandfather went after he died, only to accept that he was in a better place. They never had any diagrams or numbers and facts explaining why his grandfather left him all alone, only that he would never come back.

Those books never told him how to deal with his best friend leaving and never coming back, either.

It's a little bit like Yifan died, too. He just vanished, really, almost like he never existed. But there are still traces of him everywhere. Joonmyun knows he's still alive. The news reports of him leaving don't let him pretend to make it easier, either.

Stray shirts are still left in Joonmyun's closet, shoved in haphazardly with his own, left socks are found under beds that don't belong to anyone else. Shampoos and soaps are knocked over on the shower floor and razors for shaving left in the bathroom cupboards. Joonmyun's pillow still smells like his cologne. His bed still exists in his room just down the hall.

I'm sorry, but the caller you are trying to reach is not available at this time. Please try again later.

Joonmyun sets his phone down next to his head on his pillow and lets the salty tears sting his eyes. The automated English voice mocks him as it echoes in his head. He knows no one will answer the phone. That Yifan will never pick up his call again.

He picks up his phone again anyways and holds it to his ear.

I'm sorry, but the number you are trying to reach is no longer in service.

Joonmyun feels panic well in his chest and he sits up in his chest. His heart is pounding in his ears as he grips his phone tightly in his hand. He redials again letting tears fall from his eyes onto his lap.

I'm sorry, but the number you are trying to reach is no longer in service.

I'm sorry, but the number you are trying to reach is no longer in service.

I'm sorry, but the number you are try—I'm sorry, but the number you are—I'm sorry, but the number you are trying to reach—I'm sorry, but—

"I'm sorry."