wc: 2436
I found myself in a gun store, holding a pistol in my hands. I liked the way it felt, so I bought it, but no ammo. Some small voice in the back of my mind tried to convince me I didn't even need the gun, but I wanted it. I'd buy the ammunition some other time if I had to. Chanyeol still never showed up, and I could feel my mind slipping more and more towards the brink of insanity. This would be the fourth day with no sign of him.
I slid the gun in my backpack after paying and walked out of the shop back towards my apartment.
I didn't even know what time it was until my phone's ringtone went off. Great. I forced myself to answer and fake a cheerful voice as I kept walking. "Hi mom."
"Baek, oh my god, it's really you." She sounded too happy to hear my voice.
"Yeah, it is," my voice trailed off towards the end.
"Sang Mi called me yesterday saying she got to talk to you for a little, so I thought that meant maybe things were looking up." Looking up? Right. What a crock of bull- "Are you okay lately?"
I avoided her question and hoped she didn't notice. "Yeah she did. How are you and dad?"
"We're alright now, I think. Things are starting to feel somewhat normal again."
"Good to hear." I answered quickly. I wasn't used to talking to people anymore, and these last few days, the talking never seemed to stop. There was an awkward pause before she spoke again.
"So have you been eating well?"
"I eat when I'm hungry."
"And you're sleeping enough?"
"Probably more than enough."
"Have you started looking for a new boyfriend yet?" I stopped breathing for a split second as a sudden jolt of fury flowed through my being.
"Excuse me?"
"Or maybe a girlfriend? You had a couple back when you were in high school." My feet stopped in their tracks, causing the person behind me to almost walk into me.
"Mom-"
"You need to start putting yourself out there again." I couldn't believe what I was hearing.
"Mom-" I spoke louder this time, but she still cut me off.
"I think it would help you to move on."
"Mom, cut the ing ." I said too loudly, my patience running out. Some of the people walking around me stopped and stared. One woman covered her child's ears and kept walking.
"Baekhyun, you shouldn't speak to your mother like that," she spoke. I could tell by her tone that she was shocked by my words.
"I'm not apologising, and I refuse to move on. If you knew how hard these last three months have been, you wouldn't even think of asking me to try and put myself out there again."
"Baekhyun,-" her voice was almost stern, but I could tell that she was going to apologise instead. I was too enraged. I was almost yelling into the phone.
"What? You thought these last few months where I refused to meet with you and Chanyeol's parents that I was actually okay? That I was taking this well? You saw how we were when Chanyeol was here; we were happy. We loved each other. You found out at the funeral that he was planning on proposing. I know you want the best for me, but he was the best. It's been ing hell without him. These last three months, I haven't been off having a good time; I've been hiding in my apartment, trying to convince myself - no, trying to force myself - to stay alive. It's ing hard. Don't expect me to bounce back and move on, because that's not what's going to happen."
"I'm sorry, I didn't kn-"
"You didn't ask." I hung up and closed my eyes for a moment. My head and my heart were pounding. A dizzy feeling overtook me before I felt my legs collapse underneath me and the world went dark. Muffled sounds of a panicked crowd were the last sounds to meet my ears before it went quiet.

My eyes fluttered open a while later. I was laying on a couch with a strange feeling of déjà vu. I pushed the blanket down to my lap and slowly sat up. "Finally waking up? I was worried I might have to call the hospital." I recognised the face of the man who walked towards me before I recognised his voice. It was one of Chanyeol's old friends, Luhan. He took a seat beside me on the couch and handed me a cold bottle of water. "You probably need this." I took it in both hands before speaking softly.
"Thanks."
"I haven't seen you in a while. I almost didn't recognise you. Things still going well between you and Yeol?" I felt a piece of me die as he spoke. He was cheerful. He didn't know. I had to force myself to say it, but even then, I almost couldn't say it.
"Luhan, he's-" I hesitated and I felt like I couldn't breathe. "He's gone."
"You guys broke up? You both seemed so happy last time I-"
"N-no. No. I mean-," my voice broke and I saw his face drop. "He's dead."
"Oh. Oh my god. I'm so sorry." Shock resounded in his voice. He wrapped his arms around me in a hug. I kept still with my arms down. "How long has it been? I just got back from China a couple weeks ago." That's right, he wasn't at the funeral. I'd forgotten he'd gone back to China for a while to visit family.
"A little under three months. It happened on our anniversary."
"That's terrible." I could hear him hesitate, it was almost like he didn't want to know the answer to his own question. "What happened?"
"Car accident."
"Did you sue?" Damn Luhan and his innocent nosiness. I knew he wasn't trying to hurt me, but his questions were making me relive it all over again.
"No. Money won't bring him back. It'd be a waste."
"You're right."
"You're the first person to think that."
"How have you been?"
"I don't think I have an acceptable answer for that one."
"Not good?"
"That's an understatement."
"A mess?"
"Closer."
"I'm here if you need me. You have my number, right?"
"Yeah, I think so." I grabbed my phone to check the time. "Hey, thanks for bringing me here, but I probably should head out. This place is a twenty minute drive from my apartment, so it'll probably take a while for me to get back."
"Just stay here for the night. It's almost ten. You've been out cold for the last 6 hours or so, your body could probably use some rest. You can stay in Sehun's old room."
"You guys aren't roommates anymore? Did something happen?" My eyes were probably wider than they should have been. Nothing happened to Sehun, right?
"Yes and no, to both. He's been staying in my room now more than his. We've been going out for about six or seven months now."
"Oh. Congratulations."
"Thanks. You know where his room is, right?"
"Yeah I do. Speaking of Sehun, where is he hiding? I haven't seen him." Luhan let out a small laugh.
"He went to go pick up something for dinner. We were waiting for you to wake up so we could ask what you wanted, but I wasn't sure how long that would be. He left about ten minutes before you woke up. He should be back soon. You don't have any problem with jjajangmyeon, do you?"
"Oh, that makes sense. Sorry for making you wait. And no, I like jjajangmyeon, but I'm not really hungry right now."
"You don't have to be sorry, you didn't know. Neither of us are mad. And are you sure? You're so thin, it'd probably do you well. I don't think you were this small last time I saw you." I let out a frustrated groan.
"You know, that's the one thing people keep bringing up. My weight. Tiffany, my doctor, Chan-. Nevermind. I just, I really don't think I lost that much."
"Wait, when did you start losing weight? And how much did you lose?"
"When Chanyeol died. I just lost my appetite. The doctor says I've lost somewhere between 13 and 16 kilos."
"That's a lot, Baek." He paused, and I wasn't going to say anything, until he brought up my slip-up. "Wait, didn't you say Chanyeol said something about your weight? How-"
"It's complicated. Don't ask, I don't know how to answer." He opened his mouth to say something, but was cut off by Sehun opening the door to the apartment. Being around Yeol's friends without him was bittersweet. I hoped Sehun wouldn't ask all the same questions as Luhan. I watched him walk over and set a large box of pizza down on the coffee table in front of Luhan and I. Luhan eyed him suspiciously.
"I thought jjajangmyeon came in bowls," he spoke with a smartass tone in his voice.
"It does, but I forgot that all the places in this area that serve it close at 9. I didn't think you wanted me to drive all the way to Gangnam," his tone was sincere, almost apologetic.
"You're right, pizza works." Luhan smiled and opened the box, grabbing a slice and handing it to me. I set down my water bottle and grabbed the slice, eyeing it over before taking a small bite. They followed suit, and I could feel Sehun's eyes on me. Our eyes met when I looked up, and he spoke. I took another bite.
"So, Baek, long time no see. How's Yeol?" I saw Luhan look up and over at him quickly as if telling him nonverbally not to ask about Chanyeol. It took a second for my mind to process the question and I started choking on my pizza. Of course that would be the first thing he'd ask. I stood up and set the rest of my slice of pizza down, excusing myself to the restroom, making a gesture to Luhan on my way out, to answer the question for me. Closing the door behind me, I slumped over the toilet and hit myself hard in the stomach. I stopped choking, but in the process ended up emptying out the contents of my stomach into the toilet.
The door was quickly opened a moment later by Sehun, who crouched next to me, rubbing my back as if to ease my stomach. Luhan stood in the doorway with an apologetic expression on his face. "I'm so sorry Baek, I didn't know," Sehun spoke softly, as if he didn't want to believe what Luhan told him. He was apologising, but I felt guilty. Not only did I drop one bomb of bad news, now they're both obviously worried about me. My choking and gagging finally died down.
"It's okay, like you said, you didn't know. I just haven't quite accepted it myself yet; I'm not used to talking about it." He stood up and reached an arm out to help me up.
"Do you need to talk about it? If you need to vent, I'll listen. I know it's healthier than holding it in, and it's easier talking to someone you know," Luhan intervened, and I grabbed Sehun's arm, pulling myself up.
"I don't know, there's really nothing to vent on. I already told you most of what happened."
"You don't have to, I just thought I'd offer."
"Thanks...but, can I ask you both a favor?"
"Sure," Sehun said, and the three of us started back out to the living room where we were.
"What is it?" Luhan asked, when he noticed my hesitation.
"Can we stop talking about it?"
"Yeah, of course," he replied.
"Thanks, I think I'm going to call it a night. I'm exhausted." I scratched awkwardly at the back of my head.
"Alright, night. I set up the room while you were passed out on the couch, so you can just go and take over. Do you need pajamas or anything?" Luhan asked, a small smile on his face. I couldn't tell if it was genuine or faked to be friendly.
"I should be fine, thanks. Goodnight guys." I started off towards the room.
"Night Baek. If you need anything, you know where to find us. Don't worry if you have to wake one of us up." Sehun piped in as I walked down the hallway and into the room I'd call home for the night. I collapsed on the bed and tried to sleep, but of course, my body and my mind were in two different places. My thoughts kept me awake. I could hear Sehun and Luhan faintly talking in the other room, about Chanyeol, about me.
"I can't believe he's gone. He was so full of life before I went to China. I didn't think that the airport would be the last time I'd see him."  Luhan spoke.
"Part of me doesn't believe it either. I wish it wasn't true," Sehun followed softly.
"It's sad. I feel bad I'm only now finding out about it."
"You were out of the country, Lu. There was no way you'd find out. I was here and I didn't know. I saw something on the news a while back about a deadly crash near their neighbourhood, but I never thought it was him."
"You weren't as close with him and his family as I was though. I don't think you knew anyone well enough to get a notice of a sort. It has to be hard for his family."
"It looks like it's been hard for Baekhyun," Sehun said in a slightly softer tone, as if he knew I could hear the entirety of their conversation.
"So you noticed too. I'm worried about him. He's so thin, and he just doesn't seem like himself."
"I noticed he lost a lot of weight, but I don't think I got to talk to him enough to see too much of a difference in his personality. Why? What do you mean?"
"You know how talkative and cheerful he was when we'd hang out with him and Yeol. He really didn't talk much at all earlier, even when I tried to initiate conversation, and it's obvious he's anything but cheerful."
I had to force myself to stop listening, force myself to stay where I was and not run out there, insisting that I was fine so they wouldn't worry. I didn't sleep that night.