The number of times I have argued with myself whether to dress up at my best or to just wear my usual clothes, exceeds my seat number for the fansigning. And I hate feeling like this. Right now, there are five hangers left in my wardrobe and these are my outfit choices. The rest of my clothes, which were all inside the wardrobe about an hour ago, are now scattered messily on the floor. I still haven't settled on anything to wear for later.

"Why do you even bother? It's not like you're going on a date, much less meeting a very important person," I scolded myself for the nth time.

But the truth was, he was an important person. Throughout high school, he was the reason why I lived to see another day. And some years after the worst day of my life, he was why I survived. Because I was looking forward to the day I'd be able to get back on him, although that's not really in my mind anymore. And today, he's the reason why there are voices whispering everytime I started to feel completely happy.

I have buried the memory deep into the cores of the earth. I always tell myself to not let the past mess up the present. To remember happy times when the memory voluntarily rises up back to its dwelling... But happy times were all about him. Happy times were my wishful thinking. That's why I never really have moved on successfully....

So how do you get over depression caused by the person who kept you away from it for years? I guess you never do. Because I have tried a lot of things to forget about it- travelled, arts, yoga, dancing, everything, but that statement never left my mind permanently. I feel like up until this very moment, he's the same boy in my life. I surely am no longer in love with him, I am certain what I have for him is anything but love. But he's the same boy who affects me the greatest. But do I occupy his mind even the smallest bit? I didn't when he was just a rich, well-known schoolboy, I sure still do not now that he's a rich, well-known idol.

So I grabbed my denim pencil skirt on the floor and the barest white tshirt I have, which both weren't included in my initial options.

"Okay.. So I understand that somehow, you have looked forward to this day. But it's going to be ordinary. You're not going to let it affect you the same way you had let his words did. Do you understand me? Enough, Jinhae. Enough." This is the first sign that I'm nervous, I tend to talk to myself. I grabbed my bathrobe too and head to the bathroom and took a quick shower.

45 minutes and I was all done...

20 minutes walk and I was at the venue...

10 minutes and the event was going to start...

My knees're trembling, my palms're sweaty, my heart's noisy it's making my ears buzz. I felt like i'm going to explode any minute now. And any minute now, the event's going to start. He's going to go up the stage with his groupmates and my album's going to be the 37th album he is going to sign. "Ordinary day," I exhaled as I convinced myself again not to let today get me.

"What gift did you buy them?" Amidst the mixture of different sounds and emotions I'm feeling right now, I managed to overhear two girls taking the seats somewhere behind me talking. "Oh just beanies for everybody. It's all that I could afford. I never really expected I'll be picked," one of them replied with a chuckle.

Oh crap. Were gifts necessary? Aren't we allowed to line up if we weren't bringing anything to give? Someone save me.

And then I realized there could really be someone who could help me now. She's working somewhere really near and she knew where I was at the moment and who I was meeting. I grabbed my phone and hurriedly typed a message to Eunhee.

"Eunhee-yah. Will you buy plushies for me please? Anything. The first 6 plushies you can find anywhere.. And.."

But before I could even finish my message, someone from the side of the stage just let out a high pitched shout. And from one person to another, the shouting was passed on. When I looked ahead to the stage, all six members were already there. In the middle was him. But it didn't look like him. He was wearing a cap which partly hid his white hair. He got taller, and.. And more handsome. His eyes were the same doll like ones. But there definitely were changes in how he looked now. He was barely doing anything, just breathing, and smiling, but he looked so ethereal. Does he really exist? How can anyone be this perfect?

“There’re only ten people in this photo, but because of Han JinHae , it looks like there are thirteen people."

And there it was again. If there's an appropriate time I would hear the whisper, it's definitely now. Now that I was in the same place as him. That we were just a few metres away from each other. He's still the same boy who made me like this. The same boy who made it difficult for me to be completely happy again. The same boy who never knew he was my sun, and he burned me.

Six years, Lee Taeyong. I thought the cut in my heart had at leasr healed, but why does it feel fresh while I'm looking at you now?

To keep the water that's starting to pool in my eyes from falling, I decided to stop looking and just kept my head low. Ordinary day. Just an ordinary day, Jinhae. Was I the only one not shouting and cheering? I was certain.

One by one, the memories I have so long tried to lock in a shelf in the deepest part of my brain, popped into my mind. From the nights I had endlessly cried because the boy who was my air said I was fat, to the everything that has got me to this emotional state. When was the last time cried about this by the way? Three? Two years ago? Don't break the record, JinHae.

I couldn't recall how I got to the side of the stage, in queue for the signing. Maybe the members had a short ment, maybe there were people surprised that there was one person in the audience who showed a very tiny enthusiasm for the event. Maybe the time for my row had come and I walked to the line along with the others... But after three people, it's going to be my turn.

I succeeded in memorizing all their names and faces last night before I slept. Before today, I had very little interest about them, about Kpop in general, so I had to take time to take a look at their profiles.

Today's arrangement: Mark and Ten in the right end, Taeil and Doyoung in the left end, Jaehyun and him in the middle. About three steps and I was across Mark.

Two... Ordinary day, JinHae. Ordinary day..

Three.

"Annyeong haseyo," Mark greeted me with a warm smile.

"Annyeong haseyo," I smiled as wide as my nervous heart could afford, and bowed my head . But as to whether I was being formal or I was too shy to be there, I'm not quite sure.

"Uhh.. I'm guessing you're a noona? May I have your name please?" Even his voice was warm. Underneath all the make up, he is a young boy. Was he fourteen? Oh, fourteen. Did he fat-shame someone who liked him too?

"Uhm, Noona? Hello. Are you okay?"

And it was only then that I realized I was zoning out again. I gathered every fiber in my body to compose myself and get this over and done with. You came, now finish it.

"Oh, sorry. Did you ask for name? It's Jinhae." I tried to give him another smile, half-apologetic, half-embarrassed. And then he was signing. I swear I saw him glance at me again while he was at it, and there's a hint of confusion in his eyes. Perhaps he was wondering why I wasn't saying anything? I tried to peek at the girl before me. She's talking a lot with Ten. And from about half a meter, I could hear her confess her love to him. 

Should I do the same to Taeyong? Should I tell him everything he's put me into? But it's going to take more than the alotted time for this fansign to tell him everything.

After he's done, I took the album and I was with Ten. Two more side steps and it's going to be him. It was the same with Mark as it was with Ten. He asked me my name first and I gave it.

Next, Jaehyun's turn to sign. Among the three of them that I've had eye-to-eye with, Jaehyun had to be the most handsome. Mark's smile was warm, but his was warmer. It was evident with how his eyes curved, the way they sparkled everytime he spoke. Somehow, I got distracted by how beautiful he was. I suddenly have forgotten that next to him was the reason why my palms were lakes, there're beehives in my ears and my heart was a percussion. I could have asked some questions to him, like how this girl with Ten was throwing question after question to him. But I didn't know a thing about Jaehyun, nor the rest of them but their names.

"Here you are," he said as he handed the album back to me with a smile. "Thank you for coming. I hope you enjoy the rest of the day, Jinhae-ssi."

I would have felt a bit disrespected with the informality, given that I am two years older than him, but him handing me back the album means I have to move to the next member now. And..

"Annyeong haseyo," Taeyong greeted while looking at me in the eyes and bowed his head. Cue a good five seconds where I was just staring at him, trying to recall whether he sounded this soft six years ago, whether the scar in the corner of his right eye was this big, whether he would be able to remember me...

"The weather is so good right? Summer is coming," he must have noticed that I froze on my spot and wasn't able to even respond with his greeting while holding out the album to him. I thought he might be trying to start a short conversation so it wouldn't be awkward.

Ordinary day.. Hold the tears in.. It's okay.. He won't recognize you..

But my tears were too heavy for my eyes to keep them from falling. Two? Three? Teardrops fell but I managed to wipe them quickly as I nodded at what he said. I highkey hoped these memories would just voluntarily go back to where I locked them.

He used his teeth to open the pen he is holding and look at me again. You weren't this handsome. "So, where do you want me to sign? And.. what's your name?" He asked me still with his soft voice. His head tilted as he waited for my answer.

But I didn't. Instead, I wondered whether he had really changed. Whether he has indeed gotten softer, or is this a mask he's wearing just to keep his image as an idol. I clenched my fists on my sides, as if trying to gather all my might to act normal. Despite the water forming in my eyes, the buzzing in my ears and the pounding of my heart.

"Ha.. Ha.. Han Jinhae. Annyeong haseyo. I'm Han Jinhae."

And I might have seen shock in his eyes the moment I said my name. He might have realized I was someone he knew. But I could only guess. Because right after saying my name, my tears were endless, up to the point I was sobbing lowly. And I could only look down to hide it.

--

A/N

Hello my first subscribers. My heart is swelling because of you.

Btw, I know that NCT U never had an album but they did have this thing they used for the fansigning but I forgot what it's called so I put album instead. Sorry. :3

See you in the next chapter~ ^-^