When kisses felt right

How do you describe your first kiss? Mine was nothing like the ones you watch in movies, or read in books. It was... something real. It was full of doubt, and nervousness, and testing waters. My first kiss was my childhood friend.

It was our junior year. All were stressed out because we'd be seniors in months and the loads of school works are getting heavier, as well as exams are getting harder. It was one of the darkest days of my life. Students aren't having enough sleep, we can't go out and have fun, we can't even have lunch in the right time. It being in a science school. And now I found myself with my circle of friends having one of our study nights. When I say study nights, I literally mean studying. No pun intended or hidden agendas. We are actually spending the Goddamn night studying because Namjoon is a ing genius and Seokjin is a goddamn grade conscious. Did I mention Jungkook being a perfectionist? Oh and Jimin is a scaredy cat who thinks he would fail everytime (which he does not). Yeah, my friends . If it weren't for Taehyung being so relaxed and casual with these meetings, and Hoseok being excited for having high grades, I think I would've gone crazy. Why do I even agree with this? And why am I even included in this?

Oh right.

Because of my childhood friend. And where is he anyways? I looked around for him and I saw him in the middle of Namjoon and Jungkook, almost sleeping. Huh. Look at him. Great Min ing Yoongi falling asleep again. And he was the one who initiated and started this whole study night thing two years ago, and he was the one who always sleep through it. I wanted to laugh but my head is aching so yeah, I'll leave that for now. I stood up and went to the kitchen to get us drinks but not before I kicked Yoongi to wake him up.

"What the hell was that for?" He asked as he followed me into his kitchen. Yep, we are in his condominium because he's been kicked out from his home ever since he said he wanted to make music instead of houses. His parents still gives him an awful lot of money though and kind of provides the things that he needs. That's why I can't understand why they kicked him out. The most stupid idea I have ever heard.
"To wake you up" I simply said. And so he squinted his eyes on me before advancing and started tickling my sides. It's my weakness.
And then he suddenly stopped, and I realized his hands are on my waist and my hands are on his chest, and we are so close to each other. Which is nothing new because we're used on hugging and cuddling because we're close like that. And because even if Yoongi looked like a killer and a gangster, he's a softy who likes skinships and warms cuddles.
"I've been curious about something" He said and I shot him an eyebrow as if asking 'what?'.

Most people call Yoongi intelligent, or smart, or genius. For me, he was just simply a curious person. Yoongi is always curious about a lot of things. He always wonders about things. That's why he knows a lot of things. Because once he's hungry for information, he would do anything to satisfy his curiosity.

"What would it feel like to kiss you" He said shamelessly, looking at me the way he would look when he's dazed from thinking and focused on knowing. Eyes intense and scrutinizing.
"It actually have crossed my mind a lot of times" I honestly told him because he may not be my bestfriend, he's one of the people who has been there all my life and is actually someone I can't lie to. He knows everything about me the way I've memorized him. And yes, I really have been thinking about it since we hit puberty age. I mean, we're friends, right? But he's a guy, and I'm a girl, and I watched a lot of romantic movies with him that consist a lot of kissing, so how can I not? And I might not have feelings for him, or I might not be attracted to him, but I find him really handsome. It's not just me though. He might not be a hearthrob like jungkook, or a real life prince like seokjin, or a dancing hotty like Jimin, he still has a lot of admirers. And I'm actually proud of that.
"Should we try?" He asked, leaning closer. His hands gripping my waist for whatever reason he has. I shrugged. What's there to lose?

It's a classic thing ain't it? Where two opposite who has been friends their whole lives try something which they owe to each other to see if they could be more. Or we could simply say that Yoongi's curiosity won't go away until he try it, so yeah, I agreed. 

And so with shaky breathe, he leaned in close, unsure of what to do next, and I don't know if I should lean in too or just close my eyes. I did neither. I watched him close in and I just closed my eyes when he finally pressed his lips on mine.

His lips are dry, but soft. Somewhere in between of being rough but light. And they are warm. Like marshmallows after being burned. I don't know what to do or how to respond. Should I just move my lips? Or should I wait for him to move? Seriously, what should I do? It was not long before he pulled away and looked at me in the eyes. And I stared back.
"That was... Not bad" Was he said but I can see a frown. I don't know why so I asked.
"What's wrong?" I asked him and he sighed before sitting down on the chair and looked at me with eyes unsatisfied.
"It felt... nothing like I imagined. We should even be awkward right now but I actually don't feel anything" He said and I nodded because I can totally understand. There was nothing when we kissed. Sure my heartbeat accelerated because that was just natural when you're discovering something you don't know, like excitement or something. But I don't feel the butterflies, or the sensation on my stomach, or fireworks. There's no background music or intense feelings. There was just us. Me and Yoongi.
"Atleast we already know what it felt like" I told him and he nodded. At least he's satisfied with that. And together, we went back on studying as if nothing happened.

Later that night, I can't sleep. I kept on thinking how can we feel nothing afterwards it. No tension or shyness, or awkwardness. It felt nothing as if it's... Natural. How? I don't know. I just know that the kiss was just, somehow, right.

The second time we kissed, was a year after. We were already seniors. He had two girlfriends already who both dumped him because they said he's too boring and too lazy. Yoongi doesn't mind because he wasn't the one who initiated the relationships at the first place. They just asked him if he has a girlfriend, if he say no, they would ask to date them, and then they'd just end up together. I asked Yoongi once why can't he just say no and he answered me that it's too much of a work to avoid girls and he likes being pampered. Still, he doesn't give a goddamn effort to make his girlfriends stay. He can be a real jerk at times. Me? I had one. And I dumped him because he tried to me while I was half drunk. Yoongi, Namjoon and Jungkook almost killed him. Now my seven boy friends won't leave me and my admirers alone. If they were protective of me before, they've gone overboard now. I can't say I'm not pleased. I feel special.

It was our prom. And yes, Yoongi is my partner. Who else would it be? I mean, he's literally like half of my body so it was not a surprise when I heard that my friends threathened anyone who would ask me to prom because they're dramatic like that. It's not like I'm gonna be , but they think just like that. I don't argue anymore because it's tiring. I'm one versus seven, even add seokjin and Namjoon's girlfriends who treats me like a real baby.

The moment was the one which we can always see on teenage movies. He's so handsome in his three piece suit, I'm on my best gown, there's romantic music, and the lights are dimmed. Perfect. We were dancing, not in the middle but in one of the most isolated part of the stage because Yoongi is not one to like being in the center.

"Can I kiss you?" He asked and I looked at him, a little bit surprised.
"Why?" I asked him. Last time, he was curious. He already gotten the answer, right? He can't be curious with the same thing twice. He shrugged.
"You're beautiful. Everyone thinks we're a thing. And we're in a prom. I'm curious if there would difference from the last time" He explained and I smiled. After being two weeks suspended for beating up my ex-boyfriend, which caused Yoongi to be kicked out from the basketball team where he is the captain, everyone started to say that I'm his.

And they all loved the gossip because really, it's like the classic story. The captain of the basketball team who everyone fears of and the musician girl of the music club who were childhood friends became a thing. Isn't it the most cliche but supported story out of all time? Yeah. We didn't bother to correct them nor did we bother to deny or admit anything. We just let them because nobody's harmed anyway and it's like the biggest advantage for me and Yoongi. He received less confessions and I received less attention.

"Sure" I answered because really, I can't say no to Yoongi because he's Yoongi. Great Min ing Yoongi. And the smile he sent is worth the decision.

He leaned in. Just like last time, but this time, there were no hesitations nor doubt. There was nervousness but I think that was just normal. When I felt his lips on mine, I didn't bother to think because this time I already know how to respond. And I did just that. I moved my lips and so did he. And it was nothing like the one we had the first time. His lips weren't dry anymore, they were smooth and soft, and kissable. Unlike last time, I can taste him. The taste of cinnamon, and mint, and something like Yoongi. It felt... natural. It felt right though the butterflies and the fireworks are still not there.

When we broke apart, he stared at my eyes while smiling.

"That was unexpected" He's satisfied. I know, I can see it. And I am too. So I returned the smile.
"How was it?" I asked and he shrugged as we went back on swaying back and forth.
"Hmmm... It felt just like you." I smiled because even if others can't understand that, I did. The kiss felt just like Yoongi. There was no tension or heat or anything people associated with kiss, but it felt right. There's satisfaction and contentment.

After the party, we didn't talked about the kiss or what would happen after that because we have better things to talk about like college. So we just acted like nothing happened again.

When college came, kissing each other became a natural part of us. No, we're not together. Nor we feel something for each other more than friendship. It just... became a part of us. I can't exactly remember how did that happen but it has something to do with a lot of alcohols and we just got used to it. The way people got used on waking up six am in the morning, or the way people got used on holding hands and hugs. It just went like that. It was just another thing that felt right for me and for him.

But things started to change when third year came around.

We were all busy. Namjoon and Hoseok are taking up engineering as their major so they're battling with a lot of measurements and equations and plates. Seokjin is majoring on cooking and has business as his minor so he was equally busy. Jimin and Jungkook took dancing as major and they're busy for their up coming showcase. Taehyung is busy because he dropped college and started being a trainee of some company to become an idol. And Yoongi, yoongi and I are the busiest. Yoongi took music just like what he had planned before. I took writing. And it was not just because of that. When college started, Yoongi started to produce good music too, and believe it or not, he's already an underground rapper and a successful producer who's always seeked out by large companies. On the other hand, I excelled in writing and I started to work under a publishing company because they loved my works which I posted on my blogs and personal site. So yeah, it felt like we have the world between us.

We still talk even if we barely see each other. He calls, I text. Sometimes, we do face time but most of the time we don't hear anything from each other. We still find time to have our movie nights, and I give time to watch his gigs. And it was at one of his gigs that changed everything.

He just finished his stage, and everyone was clapping and chanting his name. Including our friends, of course. We were on the table nearest to the stage because we're all tired and we didn't want to stand up just to watch him. I was talking to Seokjin as we wait for him to join us when he walked through our place with a girl in tow. At first, I felt nothing. Just like always. But as the night goes on, and as the two of them became more and more touchy with each other. I realized what's happening.

I don't feel nothing. I actually felt numb. I wasn't even aware that my fists are clenched and I was really tensed.

"Are you okay?" Jimin asked, I can see concern in his eyes and I hate it. Because I don't know why I am like this. I'm perfectly sure that I don't feel any romantic feelings to Yoongi because hell we've been kissing and hugging and cuddling for years but nothing progressed or grew out of it. We just stayed just what we are from the start. Just me and Yoongi. So why am I feeling a tight knot in my chest and I felt sick in my stomach? So yeah, I ended up going home earlier than usual. And that night I lie awake. Thinking of things that was just actually all about Yoongi.

I think of the first time we met, of how we became friends. Our first fight, and our first make up. I thought back to the time he first cried, and the first time he got hurt because of me. And then I went back to our first hug, our first holding hands, and our first kiss. And I think of all the time I spent with him which is like 90% of my life.

And then I realized everything.

It's not that I felt nothing. The thing is, we've been having the feelings for each other our whole lives that we got used to it, and it became a natural part of our lives that when we first kissed, we interpreted everything wrong. That's why it felt right. That's why everytime we kissed, there was satisfaction amd contentment. That's why it was never a big deal to us when we kissed, or when we hug, or when we cuddle. Because it's natural. Because he is home. Because we already know even before we realize it that we belong to each other. That he is mine, and I am his. So when we kissed, there was nothing new. Because we already own each other. And it was stupid because why am I just realizing it now when he's clearly with someone else?

Wow. I can't believe how cliche our story sounded.

After that realization, I avoided him. Because that's the classic move you make after realizing you're in love with your friend who's like your twin soul and who's together with someone else. But just to be sure, I avoided everyone. I stopped going to Seokjin's for free food. I stopped coming by to Namjoon's and hoseok's just to make sure they eat or take a bath. I stopped going to the club with Jimin. And I stopped playing video games with Jungkook. The only one who I hangout with is Teahyung who's far from university and was the only one not present that time. In short, he was the only one I can hangout with without asking why I am being stupid.

"Jin hyung called me last night. And asked me if you were talking to me" Taehyung said after we finished eating chicken. Good thing that his agency isn't that strict that I can stay at his dorm any time he's free.
"Oh yeah?" I asked, being nonchalant about it because I already expected it and I actually wondered why it took a long time.
"Is there something going on?" He asked and I shook my head. Already forming a plan of avoiding Taehyung too if he pressed on too much.
"Are you okay?" He asked again, a frown being visible on his face and I hate it. Because Taehyung doesn't usually frown.
"I will be" I decided to be honest with him because even if I deny it, he already knows I'm not okay. So I answered him with something he would be less concerned.

I went home at four am. Taehyung insisted that I should just stay because it's really, really dangerous but I was stubborn and I want to be alone. I need to rethink my actions and find another way out so I insisted on going back to my dorm at the university. He was mad, of course. I was only able to convince him to let me go back when I promised that I won't avoid him and that I would tell him the problem soon. I agreed with the first condition and shrugged at the second. He wanted to argue but thought better of it and just let me go home.

I was tired. Really tired when I got back to my dorm. I clumsily took off my shoes, not really bothering if it's not organized and just threw my bag and my coat somewhere before opening the lights and I jumped when I saw a figure on the coach.

"Jesus christ, Yoongi! What the hell are you doing here?" I asked the man who's sitting at my coach, looking sleepy and grumpy as ever but won't take his eyes away from me. He was looking at me as if saying 'what do you think I'm doing?' and I rolled my eyes at him before going to the kitchen to prepare the both of us something to drink. Actually, I just need something to be busied with.
"It's Goddamn 4 in the morning" He said and I can hear anger in his voice.
"I know. That's why I'm asking you why you're here" I told him and pushed the mug of coffee infront of him. Now I regret giving him a duplicate of my key.
"Shouldn't I be asking you where you were?" Yep. He's definitely mad. I looked at him and squirmed when I saw his expression. No, he's not mad. He's furious. And the last time I saw him like this is when he knocked my ex-boyfriend dead to the world.
"Taehyung. I was with Tae" I answered unwillingly, almost like a whisper.
"Why?" I shrugged at his question.
"To hangout" I said. He snorted.
"Why do you talk to him and avoid the rest of us?" He asked and I stiffened. I looked at him surprised and he smirked at me.
"What? You think I won't notice? I let it go at first because I thought you might be busy. You've been goddamn busy ever since we entered college. But then you won't answer my calls, or messages. And I messaged you every ing hour. I always go here but you were always out or asleep. I also saw the alcohols on your fridge. I already threw them, by the way. And then seokjin and the kids started to ask me about you and I just know. Why are you avoiding us?" He explained and I gaped at him. Ofcourse, he would be the one to confront me. I almost forgot he's my other limb. Too bad I don't.
"No particular reason" I answered him which darkened his expression more if it's possible, and he stomped his way in front of me.
"Should I change the question? Why are you avoiding me?" That was when I lost all my facade and I stared at him shell shocked, not really knowing what to say because I never practised this scene in my head. This was not a part of the plan! The plan was to avoid them all until I sort out how to conceal my feelings, or if lucky, until I get over him, and then talk to them again. Make some bull excuse they would actually believe and then return everything to normal. This was unexpected.
"I got you there, ain't I? Just the way you react told me that I was actually the one you're avoiding." He said, bitterness flowing out of his tongue. And I can see pain in his eyes, though he masked it by anger.
"How'd you know?" I asked, my voice shaking, a lump forming on my throat and I can feel myself ready to cry. Which is scary because I don't cry. The last time I cried was when I thought Yoongi would kill my ex-boyfriend and I was scared that he might go to jail because we're already on legal age that time.
"Because I know you" I snorted at his answer and turned my back. I opened my fridge to get some alcohol to relax myself and then I remembered what he just said. Goddamn it! He wasn't joking when he said he threw all my alcohols. What the hell? I sighed.
"Can we just talk tomorrow? I'm tired" I said and was about to get out of the kitchen when he took a hold of me and pulled me into him so we would be face to face.
"You're not going anywhere and we're going to talk about this right here, right now. I won't let you have the time to think of any ing excuse you would say the next time we talk" He growled, and I flinched at the anger in his voice. He was never this rough to me. He was never this to me. And that was all it took for my tears so start forming in my eyes and I looked away as a tear fell down. I felt his hand loosened and then he let go of me. We stayed silent for about a few seconds, neither saying anything until he broke the silence.
"I'm sorry" His voice became undeniably soft, and when I opened my eyes to look at him, his anger was replaced with concern and his face is twisted with pain.
"I'm sorry" He repeated and a sob went out of my lips. He immediately pulled me into a hug and I started to cry. Because I don't know how to tell him. Because I'm afraid that when I tell him, everything would really crumble to dust. And I started to cry because I just miss him. His warmth, his hug, his voice. I just miss him and this is not the way I imagined it when we would see each other again.
"You're right. Let's talk about this tomorrow. Let's sleep" He whispered, and just like before, he carried me to my room and he sleep beside me as if we weren't arguing just five seconds ago.

I woke up with him still in my room, awake and staring at me.

"It's 11. Jin had brought food already and went out to class. Go and clean yourself so we could finally eat" Was all what he said and went out of my room. I sighed and did just as what he told me. When I got to the kitchen, he was sitting with arms crossed over his chest and he's glaring at nothing.
"Let's eat" I said to get his attention and he nodded. I thought he was gonna talk to me but he was silent the whole time. He was silent too when he waited for me to get ready for class and silent when he walked me to my room.
"I'll pick you up after your work. We'll talk then" He said and I nodded. Before I can react, he kissed me on my forehead and started to walk away. I just sighed and went to my room.

True to his words, he was there waiting for me after I finished from work. Instead of going to my dorm, we went to his condominium and he prepared us something to eat first.
"Start talking when you feel like to" He said and started to eat. I didn't even touch my food. Because what am I supposed to say? I avoided you because I am in love with you but you were already kissing other girl? That's like shooting myself with my own gun.
"What do you want me to say?" I just asked instead.
"Anything that would make me believe you're not lying" He said as if he was so sure I would lie my way out. Which is actually my orinigal plan.
"Is she your girlfriend?" I asked.
"I don't have a girlfriend" He answered almost immediately as if he wasn't touching her so much that night. I wanted to laugh but humor has left me so I just nodded.
"Was it because of that?" He askes and I shrugged. I looked at him and I saw him stopped eating.
"Was it because of that?" He repeated. I sighed.
"No. It was because of me. I don't know what you want to hear but I really don't have anything to say. I avoided you and you don't want to hear any excuses so-"
"Because I want to hear the goddamn truth. You were never like this. So I'm killing myself over here thinking what could've possibly went wrong for you to avoid the hell out of us and drink yourself everynight to sleep!" He shrieked, obviously out of patience. Ahh. Him and his curiosity. I almost laugh.
"How'd do you know I'm drinking before I sleep?"
"Does that even matter? Stop changing topic and tell me the goddamn problem so I could do something to right it or to atleast know what I should be sorry of!" He didn't bother to mask his pain anymore. It's clear and visible in his eye. I almost want to punch myself for hurting him. I sighed deeply and closed my eyes before answering on gritted teeth.
"I think... I'm in love. With you" There! It's out! I didn't bother opening my eyes and just waited for him.
"You think? And so you avoided us to make sure you're not?" He asked and I don't know why his voice dropped and dropped until it was just a whisper.
"No. I avoided you because I found out I am in love with you but you were kissing another girl" I told him and I felt tears started to form my eyes. I waited for him to say something but instead, I felt warm lips pressed on mine. My eyes flew open and damn right Yoongi is kissing me. And it was not the gentle and simple kiss I'm usually used to from him. It was desperate and needy. But still him. It was rough and hungry but it was still Yoongi's kiss that tasted of cinnamon and mint.

"I've been curious all this time" He whispered after we parted and he pulled me into a hug.
"I was curious about my feelings for you. So I kissed you but dated other girls. The feelings were different. I don't know how to explain it. But you feel like... You feel like you. Just you. And I like it because it felt right. It felt like..."
"Home" I mumbled and I think he heard becuse he stopped talking and hugged me tighter.
"Yes." He whispered and I felt him kiss the top of my head.

We stayed like that for I don't know how long. It could be seconds, or minutes, or it could'v been hours. I want to open my mouth and ask a lot of things but for the first time in my life, I was scared that he'd let go. For the first time, I wondered would he stay if I let go. I've never doubted that before. Because somehow, I've always known that he'd always be there. When I imagined the future, he's there by my side just like the way it was in the past. I just imagined it wrong since I wasn't able to realize my feelings for him.
"I'm sorry" He whispered when a goddamn century passed between us and we're still hugging in the middle of his kitchen with foods gone cold.
"I'm sorry because I was stupid. It was... It was just different you know? With the two of us. I thought it was not there, and would never be there so I... You know how I sometimes do bad decisions" He continued and hugged me tighter as he speak.
"When did you realized?" I asked. Leaving the question 'when did you start loving me' hanging in there. And he understood what I meant. 
"College. I realized it when we started college but I think I must've loved you back then since we were kids. I just..." He sighed and let go of me. He looked at me in the eyes before he speak again.
"I just know that you belong to me. Whether it'd be as a sister or a bestfriend or a lover. I just knew you're mine. When Jackson, when that did that to you, I thought I was just being protective of you but... But do you remembered how I hated him?"
"You said he's taking all of my time"
"I thought it was just because of that. And when he... He tried to do that to you... I was so mad. And I... I must've known then. But I neglected it as a sign of protectiveness. But when we got to college and the time we spent together got lesser and lesser. I start missing you more and more. And it felt weird so I dated other girls. Kissed them. Make out with them. To makes sure. But... It felt different. They were different. And now I know why." he stopped and cupped my face. I didn't dare to move and let him guide me until our foreheads touched.
 

"I love you" He whispered and I closed my eyes and let him press his lips to mine and lead me home.

Because isn't that the classic ending? where the two people would kiss and they would finally have their happy ending. I wish this would be our happy ending. Because everything just feels right.