6 YEARS AGO

 

 

“I’m on my way, Yoong… wait, that would work too. I will be there in just few minutes you can go and meet me in the street,”I ended conversation with my best friend while driving in a limo. Obviously in the backseat. Yes, Taengoo wanted that I showed up to our wedding in a limo. She’s even more romantic that I am. I guess she’s responsible for all the romance in our relationship, but I never complained as I can't be as brave and free with my feelings as she is.

Taengoo knows that I’m a bit nervous about our marriage. We have been together for some time, actually a long time and she was the one who proposed to me. I remember it clearly… every detail of it. Having some time until reaching both Yoong and the Church I decided to look back at those memories.

 

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

My taxi stopped and after paying the driver I step out of the car looking around curious until I noticed Taengoo standing on the small white bridge. Obviously she waited for me all this time (it took me about an hour to come here because of work distractions and I was really apologetic about the delay.) Her eyes were on me the moment I stepped out of the vehicle.

Taeyeon walked slowly in my direction when the driver left and we somehow met halfway. I smiled mischievously knowing that my best friend and my girlfriend planned something, just unsure what exactly that was.

“I don’t see Yoona anywhere…  and she's the one who asked me to rush here.”

Taengoo laughed while commenting and explaining “I have performed a magic trick and made her disappear. So now you will have to spend time with me… as disappointing as it sounds.”

I pretended to be annoyed but couldn’t stop the smile that appeared on my face. “I have never thought that Yoong could be such a good liar… she didn’t even flinch when I called her to ask about our meeting and apologizing that I will be running late.”

Taeyeon shrugged her shoulder while linking her arm with mine “well… I asked very politely for her help. Yoona just couldn’t tell me no.”

“What did you promise her?”

Taeyeon just laugh but I knew that most likely it was something Seohyun related as Yoona is seriously interested in that girl. Whenever we try talking about other topics it somehow still ends up with Seohyun. Seohyun just got her driver's license. Seohyun just bought a new car… yes, I also saw Seohyun in that shop…and so on. I think you can imagine what I have in mind. We all have this kind of friend.

We walked to the bridge and stood on it. Well actually Taeyeon stopped and turn around to face me “and there’s a reason why you’re here with me instead of your friend. I know you would prefer the later..hehehe… but…”

I widened my eyes as a good theatrical actress (if I was one) “well I would have dressed better knowing that I’m meeting you. Your loss.”

“I don’t care if you go around in pajamas with dinosaurs or puppies, or cats, or bunnies on it, I will still believe that it looks good on you.”

I squinted my eyes and blushed a little which made me want to change this topic instantly. Until Taeyeon noticed it and didn’t use it as some sort of opportunity. “But it's really beautiful here. You love showing things like this to me…I should have guessed that no way Yoong would have invited me to see such scenery”, I added with ‘duh’ written on my forehead (figuratively speaking.)

Taeyeon seemed to miss out on comment about Yoona and instead took both of my hands in hers “well… it doesn’t matter how you get here. The most important part is that you’re here now.”

“Mmm… I feel like I have heard this many times before.”

“Maybe that’s just expression I use… but this is important to me,” she added making serious face and for some reason letting go of my hands.

“Are you going to break up with me?” I ended up asking without giving a chance for Taeyeon to speak up. Maybe I have panicked a little bit. Well... not maybe... I did panic for a moment.

“What? No. You wish,” she said jokingly which helped with the mood. Taeyeon looked really nervous now and I started wondering what might be the reason for it.

Looking around and gathering her courage she finally spoke up, not breaking eye contact with me “I’m not even sure how to describe how nervous I’m right now… I’m nervous both about my speech and about your reaction. Either way… I’m hoping for the best.”

While she talked it started raining slowly. “Okay… maybe the fact that weather changed so drastically is not such a good sigh” she added while biting her lip and looking down.

For that reason I suggested simply “well…ehm… we can go in your car if you want… you drove here, right?” and I almost turn around to walk in that direction after actually noticing Taeyeon’s car, but my girlfriend stopped me while grabbing me by the hand.

“No…no… I better do this now. As long as I’m still…somewhat brave…”

Taeyeon breathed in more air while kneeling on the ground, taking black little box from her pocket. 

“Jessica Jung… you’re the girl I love. The girl I always dreamed about. Person I want to spend the rest of my life with. In good and bad. Whatever comes our way. Would you like to marry me and make me the happiest person on this planet?”

Taeyeon asked the full question, considering the fact that I let her finish as a good sigh. It still rained around us, this time even harder, and Taeyeon waited for my answer with hopeful expression.

I looked down a bit nervous, I don’t know if Taengoo could have read my emotions and sense that nervousness, but obviously I had a lot of it. Despite all that, it didn’t take me long to answer ‘YES!’ and hug her as tightly as I could. Taeyeon even complained that she couldn’t breathe.

But the truth is that with that question she made me the happiest girl on this planet. I didn’t even need that wedding…I was already happy as it is.

 

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

I think I got lost in the memories because that was the last thing I remembered. This scene kept on repeating in my mind while I was in coma. Contrary to the popular belief I didn’t really hear what my visitors told me. Instead I kept reliving it and was actually happy. I’m not sure if even wanted to wake up. Would you want to wake up from the most beautiful dream ever?

Somehow I still did. Then Yoona told me about what had happened. A truck hit my limo in front of her eyes. That’s why she didn’t manage to go to Church and stayed by my side instead. She only called Taeyeon's parent and didn’t even call to tell other friends of ours, too panicked about the whole situation.

Yoona wanted to do it next day but Taeyeon wasn’t there anymore. She didn’t visit me even once, though Yoona had talked with her parents and even asked them to BEG for her to show up and maybe then I would wake up sooner.

Taeyeon even changed her phone number. I know this…because despite being angry and hurt after leaving the hospital I still tried to call her. Though almost a year passed with me in a coma.

Surprisingly I have never blamed Taeyeon. I was angry… but not as much as person in this situation would usually be. They would just turn around, move on, never think of a person that left them on their worse and didn't even check on them ever again. I tried moving on… I have traveled a lot… but still thought about Taengoo constantly.

I didn’t manage to find another love. I tried but never hard enough…and it never actually turned into any sort of relationship that would be worth either mine or that person's time. I felt like taking a break all these six years. Like the time actually stopped for me the moment when that truck hit my limo.

But finding out that everything is not as it seems… that Taeyeon actually got a break up letter from someone who pretended to be me… I wasn’t sure what to think. Still somehow… I had hope… Sunny did shake her head when I asked if Taeyeon is actually happy. If she’s not… if this marriage is not going to make her happy… why can’t I try to at least find out the truth? Who and why they wrote that letter? Why I didn’t find the love of my love next to me when I woke up?

So many questions and so little time to get all the answers…

 

 

 

---

 

 

PRESENT TIME

 

 

I was about to read that break up letter again and torture myself even more if I haven’t heard familiar-confused voice.

“W-what are you doing here?” Taeyeon asked while unconscionably dropping down her keys.

She squinted her eyes and seemed beyond angry.

“What are you doing at my home? I’m calling the police if you’re not leaving right now… and what…” she was going to ask what I have in my hand but I think she recognized the letter. “Why…why...are you holding it?"

I panicked a little bit. Unsure how I should feel right now. Sad? Angry? Happy that Taeyeon left with me with a reason? Which emotion would be normal in such weird and unpredictable situation?

Also, why Yoona didn’t alarm me that Taeyeon is coming back home. That girl is probably hiding somewhere around the corner and talking with Seohyun on the phone. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s literally the case.

“I have it…because I have just learnt of the existence of it from you few days ago… also I wanted to know what this is. It is the first time I’m seeing this…thing,” I added while looking shortly at the envelope with letter inside of it.

Taeyeon raised her eyebrows shortly “wow…really? What do you really want, Jessica? Destroy my second wedding? Do I have some sort of curse that I just can’t get married or the world will end? I’m so tired of this…” she commented and actually sigh.

I could see that Taeyeon meant what she said. Also, my Taengoo looked more tired than usual.

“Why would I lie? Am I someone who just wants to hurt you and destroy your happiness?”

“I don’t know! Are you?” once again, that tired tone, tired eyes but still some sparking anger behind them.

After a surprise that Taengoo might actually think this way, it took me some time to voice out my thoughts. Actually, some time to process and gather it as well.

“I mean it, Jessica… I’m calling the police. How did you get in my home? I do have security… I’m so tired of…all of this…”

“You do seem tired…”

I somehow ended saying without considering the outcome. Obviously Taeyeon will get mad at me because of it. She will think that I’m teasing her in some way. She’s already thinking the worse of me. But not hearing her comment or screams I added.

“Call the police.”

“Eh?”

“I don’t care. Call the police. I won’t leave until we have a normal conversation… even if you’re really tired and want to sleep… if you fall asleep I can just sit here and wait until you wake up. I’m just as tired as you are. Waking up in the hospital without you beside me…finding out that you left to see the world, the fact that you change your phone number and I couldn’t even call you to tell you that I’m finally awake…you know what… that was also the worse experience of my life. Worse than getting hit by a truck. So I’m tired too. We’re talking this through.”

“W-what?”

I could see confusion written all over her face. Even if I wouldn’t believe Taeyeon’s sincerity this would prove it straight away. That’s the face of someone who really has no idea what you’re talking about and hears it for the very first time.

“I hadn’t written this letter. It is impressive…I will give you that… I did have my doubts, haven’t I? It describes the situation quite well… ACTUALLY… there are certain parts which I only told your parents. As ironic as that sounds.”

Taeyeon let me talk just standing there and staring in front of herself and I used this time to look back at the letter.

“For example… I mentioned my doubts about our marriage to them… but also, pointed out that I haven’t talked with you about it. Just like this line: But they always stayed in my head… torturing me…I had also mentioned that it is probably the worst possible moment to have these doubts as our wedding is just around the corner… Just like this line: I’m choosing the worst possible moment to say this… but if not now…when?”

“Stop...”

I heard Taengoo begging quietly but I was in too deep. I just needed to finish it. I felt that while voicing everything out… I will understand the situation as well.

“I told them…that the reason I love you some much is because you always stayed by my side and fought for our love even when I was a coward. Exact replica of that is in this letter too: I also realize its unfair to you no matter what I do. Especially when you stayed by my side…fought for this love. Your parents have witnessed both your ert comments and skin ship which is also mentioned in the letter. Even the last point… about asking that you wouldn’t hate me. That’s what would I say! They read me like an open book, haven’t they? And you do realize that your parents always hated me, right?”

Taengoo shook her head slightly. She looked a bit… distant.

“Well…maybe you were the only one unaware of this fact. Everyone else knew this… I know that Tiffany hates me now…but I’m pretty sure that even she can confirm it. Also, you can just pay someone to write such letter! They can even copy your handwriting! I don’t understand how everyone could have been so dense! Yoona hadn’t talked with Tiffany and Sunny for years…I didn’t know about this stupid letter for so long… most of the things only making sense right now… don’t you get it? And why are you getting married in the first place? Because your parents want you to? for the company? for the future? Are you even happy…?”

It made perfect sense in my mind: I got in an accident. Taeyeon’s parents find out about it first and used this opportunity. They had enough of money to fake it all. Who knows, maybe they even had a letter prepared just in case. They fooled both Taeyeon and me.

“Haven’t you ever considered that maybe…?” I couldn’t finish my sentence. I think I was so concentrated on revealing the truth, that finally made sense to me, that I haven’t noticed Tae’s expression.

I managed to catch the girl at the last moment as she fainted. I should have payed more attention that something was off. She was too tired... too stressed...

“Taengoo?”

 

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

Three days later I found myself in the hospital. Ironically that same hospital that I spend so much time in the past. Of course I happened to end up here for a completely different reason. This time it was Taengoo related. She was exhausted and needed hospitalization, they even wondered what would have happened if I hadn’t been in her apartment when I was.

Other part of her exhaustion was stress and I guess hearing everything what I have told her was the breaking point.

Even with a lot of controversy as you can guess, I mean Tiffany who couldn’t trust me easily, I still managed to stay by Taeyeon’s side all this time. Luckily the girls agreed not to tell her parents. At least for now... and hospital didn’t find it as a necessity too.

A lot of things happened in these couple of days and Yoona used this time to finally have a serious conversation with both Tiffany and Sunny. I heard that the conversation was really long and probably tiring.

The density of people surprise me sometimes. I’m not saying that I’m any better, but no one actually discussing anything for this long… the world is a strange and scary place. It just proves that if you won't fight for your happiness, no one else will do that for you.

It’s a bit hard to change your mind overnight, so Tiffany still had a little bit of a problem while communicating with me in a civilized manner. She agreed to talk about the past and apologized for the slap, and I realized that I should just give this girl some time. After all, she blamed me for all of Taeyeon’s misfortunes, she found me as the responsible person for everything and she even had a good relationship with Taeyeon’s parents all these years. So it was hard to realize and accept the fact that things happened in a completely different order.

Still Tiffany and Sunny agreed and told me what happened during these years. Taeyeon took our ‘break up’ that didn’t even happened, really bad. She had depression for few years. She traveled whenever she could without staying in one place for long, to put in simply: she just wanted to get lost. There were times when Taeyeon even left her friends worried if she’s still alive and kicking as no news came from her for months.

Few years ago she came back with somehow controlled feelings and concentrated on her work. Taengoo became a workaholic since most of the time she spend nights at work, simply getting lost in all of those papers rather than having to deal with other people.

She stopped believing in love that’s why even this whole arrangement to get married for the well being of her company and for the happiness of her parents didn’t sound like a bad idea.

The Taengoo that I remember would have never agreed to get married with someone whom she didn’t love.

This helped me realize that I wasn’t the only one who had it bad. Who was confused, hurt… all was left to do is talk with her… wait for Taengoo to wake up…for as long as it takes… with hope that she believes me, with hope that she loves me the same way that I do love her, with hope that she still wants to be with, with hope that she will tell me that it’s not the end of our love.

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

“Hello, yes, I do remember you. You were my patient back then, right? Well not mine… I was just a nurse… I’m a doctor now”

I nod my head remembering this girl. She was there when I woke up. I looked down at her name tag, doctor Choi Sooyoung. Yes, the name sounds familiar.

“Yes, you did take good care of me. Thank you for that… and for this… you were the one who agreed that we don’t need to call every single person Taeyeon knows, so it is not necessary for her parents to show up, right?”

“You’re all grown ups, so yes, I didn't think that’s necessary. Also, it looks like she’s in good hands. She should wake up soon enough.”

I nod my head feeling both thankful and nervous unsure what else to say. After doctor Choi left I sat down in my usual spot next to Taengoo’s bed and looked at her sleeping face.

So calm and peaceful… as beautiful as I remembered. Even more beautiful with years…

Surprisingly, she opened her eyes pretty much at the same moment when doctor Choi closed doors after herself. At first, looking at the ceiling, and then slowly turning her eyes in my direction.

I tried to form a smile. Apologetic one. I think it turn out to be a nervous one but that’s all I managed to do for the time being.

“Hey…” I whispered nervously while readjusting a strand of Taengoo’s hair. “You’re up… do you… feel rested? At least… a little bit…?”

She kept her gaze on me while I still couldn’t take my hand away. Having an opportunity to touch her skin even for a short while, I couldn’t stop myself for using this chance.

“Water?”

She cough and there is no surprise as she hadn’t spoken for three days just laying in bed. I felt a bit disappointed that I need to take my hand away, but of course I rushed to give her the water she asked for. I helped Taeyeon out with drinking it and can see how her face looked more lively afterwards.

“You had to stay in a hospital for few more days because you were exhausted and needed recovery… I know you’re not a fan of hospitals but… that was the only possible outcome."

Taengoo nod her head slowly “you stayed…in here?” asking carefully.

I gathered my thoughts realizing that she probably have heard my short interaction with doctor Choi, so I nod my head with confirmation.

“Not in this exact bed… but yeah… I had spend some time in here…”

“That’s not some time… that’s a whole year…”

Taeyeon commented sadly turning her eyes away from mine and staring at the ceiling. I wish I could read what she was thinking, I can only guess… but I want to know for real.

“TAEYEON! I HAVE JUST HEARD ABOUT THIS!” I turn to look at the door as tall, dark haired guy ran inside with worry written all over his face. So that must be the…groom.

He ignored my existence going straight to the love of my life.

“You got me so worried when I have heard about it!”

Taeyeon looked at him smiling apologetically, and answering really quietly. I could barely make out the words she used “sorry… that really… didn’t include my plans…”

All I could feel was jealousy. How long this guy stayed by her side when I was away? Does he mean anything to Taeyeon? What if all of a sudden she realized that she’s developing feelings for him and they are in a serious relationship… what if earlier Taeyeon got angry when I showed up because she actually wanted this wedding to happen… what if…

“Excuse me… maybe you could leave us alone for at least couple of minutes?” he looked in my direction smiling politely. Like I’m some bug flying around and disturbing his love nest. Are you kidding me?

I nod my head obediently “yes… of course”.

Before leaving I looked at Taeyeon for one more time, but she averted her eyes avoiding my gaze. Should I take this as a bad sign? I have no other choice just to walk out and wait outside.

I'm not even sure what I’m even waiting for…

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

It would have been foolish of me to stand outside the door and try to listen what they are talking about, that thought crossed my mind but I probably wouldn’t have heard anything as Tae’s bed was far away from the door and I doubt they intent to scream.

I know... I haven't forgotten that Sunny told me that Taengoo is not happy but what if she is…what if those six years that haven’t changed anything for me… that haven’t changed my feelings at all… not only scattered Taeyeon’s world but changed her dreams and hopes as well. Changed her love…

I couldn’t stop myself from panicking. That’s all I did. I’m not sure how long those two even talked… did they agree to change the date of the wedding because of Taeyeon’s exhaustion? Did they confess to each other that they can’t live without one another? Did they… no… I don’t want to imagine anything else.

Finally, probably after at least 10 minutes that guy (I don’t know his name because all Yoona told me was that it starts with B…) walked out looking for me. I didn't notice hate or blame… maybe Taeyeon did chose him? Maybe he doesn’t even know about my existence and about our past?

“You can go back in,” that’s all he told me and walked away.

Confused I walked inside trying to smile in the same manner like before. I walked back to the same spot I stood earlier, staring back at Taeyeon who didn’t turn her eyes away from me the moment I walked in.

All of a sudden, I can see tears filling up in her eyes.

Wait… no…

I soon leaned in catching them with my fingers and spoke up with worry “no no…it is okay… I understand… if you forgot about me… if you don’t love me anymore… if all of this is too much… if it has been too long… I understand… I just… I want you to be happy…” I could feel myself tearing up as well. That’s what to expect in this situation I guess.

I’m close to giving up my love… if I have to leave Seoul again and never come back for the sake of you…my love… I will…now when I know everything that happened in the past…I just want to see you happy… even if the person who makes you happy is not me…

“So it’s okay… you can ask me anything… I understand…I’m sorry if this disturbed you…changed your plans or…”

“Y-you…should be angry,” Taengoo commented surprised with tears still streaming down her beautiful face.

“What? Why?”

“I WASN’T THERE! YOU LAY IN A HOSPITAL BED AND I WASN’T THERE! YOU SHOULD HATE ME. HATE ME!”

“Stop… Taengoo... I don’t blame you for anything. Why are you blaming yourself?"

“I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN! I SHOULD HAVE GUESSED! Instead of getting hurt and running away… I should have search more… find Yoona and get a confirmation of that letter… I believed it so easily… HATE ME!”

“I could never hate you… you’re the only one I love,” I whispered while leaning closer.

Taeyeon also kept on whispering and repeating that I should hate her and because of that I captured her lips with mine.

I put everything into this kiss. All the hurt, all the mistakes, all the stupidity that can be applied for both of us. Maybe that’s the last kiss I’m going to have… I need to give my all if that’s the case.

We had to separate for air and Taeyeon spoke up again “I left him but…”

“You did?”

I instantly asked hopefully.

“He can find another love, we only had an agreement… this wouldn’t have been real even if we got married… I let him search for the love he deserves… but…”

“But…?”

“I don’t deserve you…”

I laughed with relief, I couldn’t stop myself. Even with both of us crying like kindergarten kids, all of a sudden I see my future a lot brighter.

“I love you you… do you still love me? That’s all that I care about…”

“Of course I do, princess! But…”

Princess (not even Sica) and most importantly not Jessica. I’m hearing the nickname that annoyed me sometimes in the past but from Taengoo’s lips it’s like the biggest confirmation of her love.

I didn’t let her finish and kissed Taeyeon again with passion. She answered my kisses putting even more pressure into them.

Between those kisses as we missed each other lips so much I commented truthfully “we will figure all of this out… just tell me that you want to be with me… just tell me it’s not the end and we will figure absolutely everything out…with time… with patience… with everything… I love you, Taengoo… you know… I still have that proposal ring.”

Taeyeon looked at me with pure love and surprise. “You…do?”

To prove my point I take it out from my purse. All these years I kept in by my side. Not on my finger but somewhere close by…

“Should I put it back on or…?”

“No…”

“No?”

“No… you should give it back to me…”

“Wait…why?”

Taeyeon put her hand in front of herself smiling shortly. I can see sparks in her eyes. “I want to give it to you again some time in the future so…”

I didn’t realize I have held my breath for few seconds thinking that Taeyeon wants to end everything with me for good.

“What no… it is mine forever… you made your choice… learn to live with it!”

I showed her my tongue playfully, but then noticed that even though she laughed, she still seemed worried.

"Mmm… what are going to do…with your parents and…”

“You know I won’t leave them behind… they gave birth to me…they do love me… even in such manner…but maybe we can punish them a little… spending Christmas and New Year with friends… visiting them rarely in comparison with the past… though…well most likely… just spending Christmas with our friends instead of my parents…”

I laughed with relief and stole one more kiss from Taeyeon. I don’t know since when I became such a kissing monster but I just can’t help myself or control it anymore.

“I love this idea very much…”

I hold her face with both of my hands inches away from her eyes, her lips, her nose… my Taengoo…

“I’m so happy right now…but you still haven’t answered about this ring situation...”

Knowing what I want to hear Taeyeon ended my thought “It is yours, just like I am yours... but..."

Another but?

"But?"

"Maybe we should try elope next time." She smiled cheekily at the comment and I had to laugh at that.

I kissed her one more time, happy that I come back, since there is no one else that could replace Taeyeon's place in my heart and these years of distance showed that it is the same for her too.

 

 

 

[THE END]