1/1
One Last KissIt was a beautiful day. The sun was shining warm and bright, white puffy cloud parading lazily across the bright blue sky. It was the perfect-for-a-picnic day, the kind that would involuntarily bring a smile to your face.
I walked even faster towards her house, but my steps slowed down when I spotted her coming out of the door. As I knew she would, she stopped for a second at the threshold, lifting her head up to the sky and closed her eyes. She would do that every time she stepped out of the house for the first time in the day without fail, as if silently asking blessing from the higher power above.
I quickly moved to her side. “Good morning, love.”
She opened her eyes slowly, eyes racking up her surroundings. “It’s such a beautiful day,” she whispered softly.
I nodded. “But not as beautiful as you, gorgeous.”
As my eyes looked her over I smiled appreciatively. ChingLan was gorgeous, no denying that. Long black hair ran smoothly down her back, swinging softly when she moved. Big, expressive eyes framed with long, thick eyelashes seemed to invite anyone to drown in them. A cute button nose and a smile that could light up the whole room completed her look.
Any man would admit my girl was beautiful. But even more beautiful than her physical looks was her wonderful heart and mind; caring and fiery, stubborn and charming, a deadly mixture of wonders and how I love her for that.
She began to walk from the porch, and I had to break my daydream to run after her. “Where are you going, ChingLan?”
Her gaze looked straight ahead. “Do you remember the park where we used to go to?”
A chuckle was my immediate answer. “Of course I remember. It’s where we first met, right?”
I don’t usually went through the park on my way back from campus, but that afternoon a long time ago I suddenly had an unexplainable urge to walked through it. A good thing I did, because there I found her being approached by two scary-looking men trying to rob her.
Long story short, I managed to drive those guys away, and we got acquainted. At the time I didn’t think that our accidental meeting would end up in our dating, but afterwards without fail I always thank my lucky star that I had decided to go through the park that particular day.
“I went there last week.”
Her words brought me back from my reminiscence and I focused my attention back to her.
“They’ve changed a lot of things there. The bench where we used to sit had been replaced with a basketball court.”
I didn’t know that. It’s been a long time since I went there. “Then we could sit on the grass.”
“We would have to sit on the grass if we come there again.”
I nodded at her words, before grinning. “Or I can lend you my jacket to sit on if you want.”
A small smile tugged at the corner of . “You would’ve lent me your jacket so I don’t have to sit on the grass and stain my clothes. That’s just typical of you.”
“Anything for you, bao bei.”
Her smile faltered a bit. “I miss you…..” she whispered softly.
There was a clench in my heart hearing the heavy sadness lacing that simple sentence. “I miss you too. You know that, baby.”
Her steps slowed down when we almost reached her destination. My whole being was aching with the need to hold her in my arms again, but I knew it would be fruitless.
“You said you’d never leave me.”
Her next words were so soft that I strained to hear it. “I know…”
“You promised that you’d always be by my side.”
I looked down guiltily, hating how I had broken my own words. “I’m sorry…”
“Then why did you leave me alone?”
She gazed down once she reached the spot and my eyes followed her gaze down to a fairly new tombstone, and right in the center of it was a small picture of…
Me.
Ah, haven’t I told you yet? I, Zhang Yixing, am officially dead.
How, you ask?
Well, I’m not quite sure how it happened myself, the details were a bit blurry to me.
I remember I was taking ChingLan home that night from one of our dates. Just when we turned round the corner from her home, there were sudden blinding, bright lights and loud sound of screeching tires scratching my ears.
Without a second thought, reacting by pure instinct, I pushed ChingLan away before there was a loud crash and I flew through the air.
When I opened my eyes I was on the ground with her hovering above me. There were trickles of warm liquid running down my face, but whether it was her tears or something else, I didn’t know. She seemed so worried as she called my name over and over again, and I tried to smile for her sake. I reached out a hand to her, immediately frowning because my hand felt too heavy. She must’ve read my mind, because she grabbed it and leaned her cheek on my palm, before leaning down for a kiss.
The kiss was sweet, like it always does when we kissed, though now it tinged with her salty tears. But as always, it was perfect.
When she pulled apart I whispered against her lips. “L-lo….love…you.”
And I closed my eyes.
The next thing that happened was so surreal that I almost couldn’t believe it. I felt myself floating out of my body, as I was lifted to an ambulance that came minutes later. I saw paramedics tried in vain to resuscitate my already stilled heart. I watched her screaming and pounding on my chest, begging me not to leave her alone. I saw her being led out of the hospital’s room by her family that had come to the hospital with mine.
I thought that you couldn’t feel any more pain once you died, but I guess I was wrong. Because I felt the life-numbing, clutching pain in my chest when I saw the light in Chinglan’s eyes dimmed, her smile gone the night I died.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I watched her quietly as she tossed and her bed. As the many nights before this, she laid restlessly, mind refusing to shut off and tears pooled at the edge of her eyes.
How many nights have I watched her like this? How many nights have I saw her unable to sleep, twisting and turning about? How many times have I watched her fell into an uneasy slumber, only to wake up later with a loud gasp and tears streaming down her face? And how many times have I cursed my inability to wiped those tears away, how many times I blamed myself for being the cause of all this?
A soft knock on the door turned my attention away from her and I smiled slightly as Yifan entered the room. Her older brother always has a soft spot for her, no matter how cold and scary he looks on the outside. He had regarded me suspiciously when we first started dating, but overtime I managed to convince him that I was not going to play with his only sister’s heart and we got along fairly well afterwards.
He came closer on silent steps to settle himself besides her, softly her hair. She whimpered at the small touch, before reaching out her arms and Yifan swooped down to hug her.
Her tears had run freely now, and she sobbed hard. “I miss him gēge, I miss him so much.”
Yifan tightened his grip around her, tucking her head underneath his chin. “Sshh…..it’s going to be okay, mèimei.”
He rocked her gently as if she was a baby, and after sometime her cries subsided. Once she had calmed down, Yifan pulled himself slightly to wipe her tears. “Don’t cry anymore ChingLan, I hate seeing you like this.”
“I can’t help it. I miss him too much.”
He sighed. “I know, ChingLan. But you can’t continue to be like this. If I knew Yixing, then I know he would hate seeing you like this; he would’ve wanted you to move on.”
Long after Yifan had left the room after giving her a soft kiss on the forehead, ChingLan was still staring into space. And I was still staring at her.
I wish I could tell her that Yifan was right. I never meant for my death to depress her so much. She should know that I never regretted exchanging my life for hers. Even if I have nine lives, I would gladly exchange all of it for one of hers, because she was the most precious thing in my life. But I regretted the fact that I had made her go through all this, that I had been the reason for the sad light in her eyes.
I wish I could tell her that she should move on, but I can’t. Even if I shout, she couldn’t hear a single word I said. Even when I wish with all my might that I could touch her, my hands moved right through her like air. And so I spend another night staring at her gazing into space, wishing that she would hear my heart’s plea all the same.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Something has changed.
Laughter colored her once pale cheeks, eyes positively sparkling where before it was dull and lifeless, and her pink, tiny mouth curved in a smile that came straight from her soul.
Perhaps it’s because of that new guy, Park Chanyeol.
They have some classes together at the university, and since the first time I saw him I knew he was smitten with her. He had pursued her relentlessly, not caring of the many rejections she’d thrown at him, and I had to admire the kid for his patient persistence.
I can see that she was torn between feeling some kind of attraction to him and feeling guilty towards me. I wish I could tell her that she doesn’t have to feel like that. I wouldn’t lie that I wasn’t jealous about the fact that some guy is trying to make a move on my girl, but I also know that it wasn’t my place anymore.
As hard as it is for me to say, ChingLan isn't my girl anymore. It has been almost three years since I died; it’s time for her to move on with her life.
Besides, the guy is alright. At first he seemed like a dork, with big, elfin ears and a permanent wide grin on his face, too-long limbs and a bit of a klutz. But underneath it all he was sensitive and mature, with a big tendency to care for everyone around him and to make people smile.
More importantly, he made ChingLan smile.
With that in mind, I think he would be a good match for her.
Over the next few weeks I saw her being anxious and confused over the whole matter, and how I wish I could help her. But I should’ve known that she would make the right decision, when I saw her putting an old T-shirt of mine away.
I almost forgot about that shirt; I think I left it when I was soaked from a sudden downpour on my way to her house and Yifan had lent me one of his shirt while mine was being washed. I guess I never took it back but apparently ChingLan never forgets about it.
She spread the shirt lovingly, as if it was a living thing. Her smile faltered and a few drops of tears fell, before she kisses it gently.
“A part of me…” she whispered softly into the worn fabric, “will always love you.”
She kissed it one more time before gently putting it in a box along with most of our pictures, and tucked it away in the deep corner of her closet.
And those words were enough for me.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
It’s time.
It’s time for me to leave this world completely. Don’t ask me how I knew this, I just do. Call it a gut instinct if you want, but I knew that this time around it would be my goodbye for the very last time. I don’t know where I’m going after this, but somehow I wasn’t afraid.
I watched her as she sleep peacefully. There were no longer dark circles underneath her eyes, and she never cries in her sleep now. Kneeling on the floor, I raised a hand to thread her hair, even though like I knew it would, it just came through her. I satisfy myself with inhaling the sweet, fruity scent.
She smiled slightly in her sleep, and I wondered if she dreams about me. Or maybe it’s about that Chanyeol guy?
It doesn’t matter. All I want is for her to be happy.
I bent down to whisper in her ear. “I hope you’re having a good dream, ChingLan. I hope that you’ll always have good dreams, with or without me in it.”
I stopped then, the words choking up my throat as it burn my eyes and with another deep breath I try to force them out. “Even though I’m not with you anymore, always remember that I love you. Always know that wherever I am, I would always be watching over you. And always know that my greatest wish is for you to be happy.”
She turned then, and a small frown appeared in her forehead. Did she hear what I said? Did her heart managed to catch whatever feeling mine was trying to convey? Did she unconsciously know that I was saying one last goodbye?
Slowly, very very slowly, I bent down to capture her lips in one last kiss. I could feel my heart burst to fullness for the first time since I died when I could feel her against me; her lips as soft as I remember, her breath scented with chocolate and mint. And I thank whatever higher being up there for this one last gift.
When I pulled back I breathed against her lips. “Until we meet again. I love you….”
I closed my eyes in peace.
Darkness fell.
Goodbye…….
Comments