It’s been a week since I’ve spoken to JongHyun, more specifically one-hundred sixty-eight hours and thirty-nine minutes…forty minutes. The clock has become my worst enemy and my constant companion, time moving so slowly and yet too quickly, each day ending with me being stuck in the same place, unable to go forward or backward. After our argument in the airport, I was so upset that I intentionally ignored my phone, turning it off since I knew JongHyun would be calling me and I wanted to avoid him, my emotions too raw to deal with his pleading. I knew he would convince me easily, he had already half done so at JFK, but truthfully I wasn’t sure that I wanted to be convinced. I knew he was right in more ways than one; I’d had my own silent panic attack on the plane when I had realized who he was and what that would mean for our relationship. I could already imagine the crowds and the criticism, and the harrowing fact that I would become something of a star like Aliah had become when she and KiBum’s relationship was made public making me shy away from the thought even more. They were widely known to be a power couple, taking the Kpop world by storm when they announced their marriage but that had never been what I’d wanted.

I couldn’t help but feel like all that attention would be thrown onto me as soon as JongHyun and I were found out, and I hadn’t wanted to admit it but I was terrified. I didn’t want people noticing me, I didn’t want to be talked about. The fame my parents held in their field had kept them away from me, I didn’t want to be alone like that ever again. And so I had breathed a sigh of relief when no more of the airport incident was mentioned beyond Shinee having done an impromptu fan sign event, with Aliah mentioned as a byline. And I was ashamed that I was so happy, disappointed in myself and my so-called feelings. Since when I had I become so weak, since when had I become those girls that I used to hate in novels, that I would angrily yell at to get their together before they missed out on their happy ending with the guy of their dreams? I was just as pathetic as they were and so I did something I rarely ever did and called out sick from work, asking for a week off to get my head right.

I was on day four of my vacation and still the days dragged on endlessly. I stayed in bed wrapped in my blankets, Louie mournfully meowing every hour or so until I would feed him and then I’m back in bed. I don’t read or watch TV, I just exist and it’s honestly much more painful than it should be. I stare resentfully at my phone, the innocent rose-gold thing mocking me as it stays silent even though it’s now . Katy doesn’t call after I warn her that I don’t want any more lecturing about my choices and I realize that since I’m not close to anyone else, I have no one to rely on when I just want to be comforted. Like that my aching just goes around in circles, longing for the person who I want to run to in this situation but scared that going will mean accepting all those things that I desperately want to avoid.

I’m wallowing quite nicely, if I had to rate myself on self-pity, and I have just managed to fall into that completely empty state of mind when the doorbell rings. Thinking that the person outside can just go away, I don’t get up from my bed until the ringing becomes increasingly insistent to the point that I feel myself going crazy. Grumbling, I bring my blanket with me as I answer the door, not even bothering to check the peephole to see who it is. Throwing open the entry, I see two beaming faces, one honey-brown and the other pale, like the sun and the moon standing together.

“What are you two doing here?” I manage to choke out, feeling way too shocked to see Key and Aliah on my doorstep, looking just as jovial as they did when I left them in Korea. Aliah hugs me almost immediately and Key smiles gently behind her, obviously used to his wife’s exuberance.

“Bummie thanks for driving me. Noelle will make sure I get back, won't you?” Aliah asks while flashing me a bright smile, her arms still wrapped around my waist, her face tipped slightly down towards mine.

Her teeth glinted in the light and I felt slightly dazzled. Almost puppet-like I nod my head in the affirmative, as if I'd had any real choice. Vaguely I wondered if that same smile she'd sent in my direction had blindsided KiBum as much as it did me; maybe it’s the reason she’s managed to travel back to the US in her current condition despite her husband being a huge worrywart. Giving him a kiss goodbye, Aliah stepped into my apartment with sure steps, her blue canvassed toms padding softly across my floor.

“Let me take your coat,” I say, now finally coherent enough to notice her struggle with the thick pea coat she’s wearing, her mid-sized bulge from just a few weeks ago now having become the cumbersome protrusion most pregnant women complained of.

Shrugging her way out of her outer layer, Aliah slumped on the sofa, one hand pressed to her belly.

“Sheesh, I can barely breathe anymore!” She exhaled with a loud sigh, her exasperation shocking a laugh out of me.

“Pregnancy causes shortness of breath, there’s no getting around it, even if your body weight has mostly stayed the same,” I tell her with a chuckle.

“Who said anything about the baby? I'm talking about that ridiculous coat! It’s all KiBum’s fault, driving me crazy with his overprotective self. He told me I should think about getting on bed rest this morning!” She huffs from being too disgruntled, her earlier gentle nature gone. I laughed out loud, thinking that unflappable Key could be so shaken by his wife's condition.

“He's gonna be a great dad, I can tell,” I say happily as I sit beside her on the couch, resting my hands lightly on her stomach and feeling the little girl inside kicking up a storm.

“Yeah, I know so, he’s just way too excited!”  She rests her hands above my own and her beaming smile fades into a gentle quirk of her lips. “So…what happened?” Aliah asks and I feel myself start to shake my head, already wanting to deny it, but I can see that she already knows I haven’t been speaking to JongHyun, I should’ve realized it when they first arrived. She and Key would be the only ones who’d been in this situation before, I wondered if he had called them to speak on his behalf.

“I don't really know. One minute I'm too scared out of my mind to even understand what's happening and the next I'm finding out that the guy I'm in love with has been lying to me our whole our whole relationship,” I say still sounding bitter despite my mixed feelings.

“One time, JongHyun couldn't sleep and I didn't have work the next day. We stayed up all night talking and listening to music, arguing over which person had better taste. It was so simple but somehow it meant so much, you know? I've never had that with anyone else,” I explain to Aliah and she nods easily in understanding.

“Then why did you push him away?” she questions and I feel my heart break a little. A tear slips down my cheek, frustration filling me to the brim.

“He lied to me. And I know why he did it but I'm just so lost now. Every time I think I see who he is, it all changes in an instant. I just... Feel confused. And mad that he made me feel this way at all; he wasn’t supposed to let me down,” I mutter. I start to tug at my blanket, pulling in the thread at the ends until bits and pieces stick out, my body feeling deflated after finally talking about how I felt, all my fire doused easily.

“You know, when Key and I first met I already knew who he was; I was actually a Shinee fan. But beyond the fame was a man and it took spending time with him to realize that since I had the real KiBum Kim like no one ever would, none of the rest of it really mattered. You met Jjong as just a regular guy, at this point you probably know him better than almost anyone else. What you saw at the airport and on TV? That's a very small part of who he is but it can push people away. Even though he was wrong, he may have done it out of love, out of wanting to protect you.”

“I know exactly why he did it, I know he had my best interests at heart. But it doesn't take the fear away Aliah, I don't want to get hurt again.” I felt the tears well up in my eyes and barely a sniff later I found myself in Aliah’s embrace, her hands patting my back gently while I cried on her shoulder.

“Noelle, if it wasn't love, I don't think you would be afraid. It's only when we're connected to that special someone that our fear grows at the thought of losing them, that it feels so insurmountable and terrifying it makes you want to hold your heart close. The decision you have to make now is whether you think the risk is worth it.”

Aliah didn’t stay too long, worried that Key would come knocking on the door if she didn’t return to their hotel soon. I called her a cab and watched as she was driven away, feeling somewhat lighter when she left. I knew Jjong hadn’t sent Aliah to try to convince me of anything, but she’d told me he hadn’t been doing well since our separation and her lack of details worried me. But I wasn’t doing so great either and the state of my bed, with its sheets hanging off the sides and various blankets strewn through every room in my apartment, attested to it. The thing was that I already knew I was in love with Jonghyun, knew that I was miserable without him, and yet my hand still hesitated to pick up the phone.

Alone now, there was nothing I could do but think about what had happened between us and I knew that while I was actively avoiding JongHyun I was really no better than my ex had been. I had stayed away from Jjong these past weeks in an effort to punish him, to make him feel the betrayal that I had felt because his lies had reminded me of my past. I had thought that what we’d had was on a whole other level; there would be no mistakes made on either side of this love that had blossomed between two people who had been worlds apart. I had put our relationship on a pedestal, and in the end although Jjong had lied, I had turned my back on him the minute I realized who he was. And if I was being honest with myself, if I had to honestly admit the truth, I wasn’t all that hurt.

I understood why Jjong had made the choices he’d done and even now I couldn’t blame him. Because the truth was that I was scared and if he had told me in the beginning who he was, I would’ve run for my life. How could I expect his honesty when I wasn’t even being truthful with myself? I had broken up with my fiancée because he’d broken my trust, hadn’t stood by me when it mattered. And I had subconsciously judged Jonghyun, believed that he would do the same. But I couldn’t help but think of how he had tried to hold on to me despite the crowd pulling us apart, he had gotten someone to protect me to make sure I was safe. He was loving me even through my denial of him and our relationship, and here I was letting him.

I couldn’t stop the sobs that wanted to burst through me at this revelation, the pain too intense to hold it in any more. My heart was just built to love him. Not jerks like David or the obnoxious, boring guys who were only interested in themselves that I ignored like the plague. No, damaged and lonely, JongHyun had signed and sealed his name on my heart and no matter what, how could I bare to leave I him? I didn't want to be like his ex, who'd run at the first sign of trouble. He had trusted me with his heart, and I had given him mine in return, but I hadn’t kept it safe, hadn’t lived up to my own ideals about love. I wanted him back, wanted us back and there was only one way to do it.

It was barely an hour later and after a quick shower and a brushing of the bird’s nest I called my hair, I had made my way outside, called a cab and now found myself in front of a place the I found as familiar to me as my own apartment. With shaking hands, I knocked a few times but there was no response. I lamented the fact that his place had no doorbell and I steeled myself to go in unwelcomed. It felt surreal entering his town home with a key that hadn't used since JongHyun had given it to me. In the past he'd always been here waiting for me, ready with the doors unlocked and arms spread wide for a hug. I had missed those hugs while I'd stayed away and the memory of them thudded into my chest, into my head, making my search for him take on a frantic pace.

Moving quickly now, I saw that JongHyun wasn't in the main room and I made my way upstairs after checking the empty kitchen. As I went up the steps, sounds of piano keys filtered into the air. The classical piece is one I recognize from Pride and Prejudice, my favorite movie. And he was playing it perfectly, the sweet melody the background music to Mr. Darcy’s confession to Elizabeth. If I hadn’t been in love with him before, this would’ve broken me. Shaken, I stand outside his studio and watch his fingers move across the keys. Long minutes pass that seem interminable and I feel myself let out a shaky breath when the song finally ends. But I’m not as quiet as I thought and JongHyun turns around in his seat, the surprise on his face replaced with happiness so fast that it makes my heart race. Maybe I haven’t completely wrecked us.

“Noelle what are you doing here?” He questions me lightly as I walk over to him. I don’t say anything but just keep scanning his features, the olive tones in his complexion, the high bridge of his nose, the lips that I had bitten and kissed and laid claim to. All of him was mine and I had almost lost it. I wouldn’t make the same mistake twice.  

“Teach me?” I asked him, placing my hand on top of his and moving them away quickly just in case I grabbed them in my haste to touch him again. If the sight of him had healed my eyes, the being in so close together was setting me on fire.   

He nodded and moved over on the bench, inviting me to sit next to him. He played a few chords and I followed along easily in the higher key, remembering his previous lessons to me, where we had stayed up late and made music together, the sounds still clumsy on my part but it had improved with time. And now I could follow along, picking out tune and flowing with his melody until our finger met on the keys and the classical piece came to an end as he took my hands in his.

“I don’t know why you decided to come, but I’m glad you’re here,” he whispered to me and I raised my eye shyly, not fully able to meet his gaze. But because of my hesitance, I could see his eyes scrunch up and his brow furrow in worry. I saw immediately what Aliah had been talking about, even though I’d looked him over when I’d first seen him, my eyes had just welcomed the sight of him, ignoring the minor details. But now I looked closer and I could see the dark circles under his eyes, the set of his mouth still tense, his eye rimmed in red and slightly swollen. I reached up to smooth his brow and sighed in my heart. I didn’t know why we were always hurting each other, but this would be the last time; I would make sure of it.

“JongHyun, we need to talk.”

A/N: Ugh guys I'm so conflicted! On one hand I never want this fic to end because that means our story is complete and ending it means having to say goodbye...on the other hand I want it to have a happy ending and be all that I wanted the story to be when Jjongie was still with us and still able to have this life that I imagined for him, or at least a semblance of it. In any case, all good things must end and so I shall endeavor to make this last chapter and possible epilogue as wonderful as I can. Thanks for coming with me on this journey and let me know below what you think will happen next! Much Love <3