Jiyong turned his head to the side, staring at the way Seunghyun’s chest rose and fell with each quiet breath. The sting behind his eyeballs lessened, but he knew his cheeks were still wet from his tears and that his make up was no doubt smudged across his face.

They spent the last six years in this weird state between being best friends and lovers. Jiyong would stumble into Seunghyun’s bed, him and then watch him sleep, knowing that he won’t be able to rest.

It started before their debut, back when everything was still new and unsure and Seunghyun was convinced he’ll get left behind.  He’d lay his head on Jiyong’s knees and vent, while Ji his hair and hummed in aknowledgement. Every day, Hyun would move closer and closer until one day he just sat in Jiyong’s lap and it felt nothing if not natural. He kissed Jiyong for the first time that same day, his rough lips chasing his own desire and Jiyong was perfectly fine with that, since he wanted him since he was in Junior High and Seunghyun wasn’t this hot, generally sought after rapper. When he was a chubby teen with big dreams and an even bigger heart.

But they still stayed friends. It was too stupid to risk their friendship, their group, their whole futures for a bit of fun. They were both very young and at seventeen, Jiyong didn’t want to settle down and neither did Seunghyun. As they got older, kissing turned into sleeping with each other but Jiyong still insisted that he was okay with just being friends. Seunghyun never said anything, but then again, Jiyong was pretty sure he didn’t really sleep with anyone but him, since Hyun prefered the comfort of his own home to Jiyong’ life full of dubious thrills and cheap pleasures. He never complained about the state in which Jiyong crawled into his sheets, just responded with the same fervor and ache, his fingers digging painfully into the skin of Jiyong’s back and his legs wrapping around his waist.

Seunghyun never complained until that fateful night. When Jiyong came back pissed, stumbling over thin air and smelling suspiciously of floral perfume. It wasn’t unusual at all. He knocked on Seunghyun’s door and opened it without waiting for an answer. Hyun was sitting on his bed, wearing flanel pajamas, covered from head to toe. He looked up from his tablet, a half empty glass of red wine standing on his bedside table, some of the liquid staining his lips.

Jiyong sat on the bed, leaning in and the wine off his lips. Seunghyun sighed into his lips, but didn’t move an inch.

“I’m working” he detached his lips from Jiyong. The leader always grilled his about staying on schedule and it seemed like inspiration finally struck him.

“Me too” and he was working, on the buttons of Seunghyun’s shirt.

“Jiyong” The older man grabbed his hands and pulled them away from his body. “I’m really not in the mood.”

“You’re never in the mood” he pouted. “Not in the mood for a party, not in the mood for a bar, not in the mood for being with people.”

Seunghyun’s face darkened and his back straightened. He looked beyond angry.

“You on the other hand are always in the mood for other people.”

“Since when is that a problem?” Jiyong tugged his hands out of Seunghyun’s grip, his lust efficiently subdued.

“Since always” Seunghyun defiantely turned to face the wall, turning off the lamp and leaving Jiyong in darkness.

He stood there, rooted to the spot and watched as Seunghyun fell asleep. He dared to lay on the bed only when the man’s breaths evened out.

He stared at his handsome features and thought about the fact that he has never seen Hyun cry. He himself was a drama queen and used tears to get his way in arguments on the daily. He thought that if it was him in Seunghyun’s place, he’d fall aleep on a tear stained pillow. Even now he felt tears falling down his face.

The next morning Seunghyun told him that he was done with him. That he was too old to live like that. Although he was only a year older than Jiyong.

 

He was almost twenty seven when he had to once again sit in the studio working with Seunghyun non stop for up to ten hours. YG asked them for a comeback and they had to deliver.

Jiyong always refused to ask for help, too stubborn and proud to admit to having weaknesses. Seunghyun always insisted on writing his part of the rap line, sometimes putting off production just so he could make it perfect.

They were tense the whole time, afraid to move or say too much. Seunghyun gave him his texts after two weeks and refused to look into his eyes when handing him the paper.

Jiyong spent the rest of the day crying in the studio, the doors locked from the inside. The next day, he sat down and wrote another song in an hour, not even considering a rapping part.

 

Thing started healing after they finished filming the MV for Loser. Jiyong insisted on being there for every scene, wanting it to come out exactly how he imagined it to be. He congratulated Seungri on wrecking the room, scolded Bae for getting the chalk on his hair and told Daesung to be more believable.

Their scenes were perfect. Jiyong made sure of it.

Seunghyun was next. Jiyong felt uneasy watching the woman wrap herself around him, wondering whether Hyun’s lips still tasted the same after all those years. She into his lips and Jiyong had to stop himself from interfering.

Seunghyun was supposed to play someone uninterested, but instead of acting Jiyong saw the way he behaved when he would drunkenly get into his bed. The girl reminded him too much of himself, trying to get closer and drapping herself over Seunghyun.

Jiyong never thought of himself as disgusting but his stomach turned at the thought of himself, drunk, fresh out of a random girl’s apartment and clinging onto Hyun.

Why did we even do this?

Seunghyun changed into a dirty flanel pajama set and a torn bathrobe. The make-up noonas smudged dark creams over his face. Jiyong watched as Seunghyun collapsed onto the ground, tears streaming down his cheeks.

He thought that once he’d see this scene he’d pretend that that was what happened after that night. That Seunghyun didn’t turn out to be a picture of stoicism and apathy.

But Jiyong felt nothing and he welcomed the change with open arms.