MY LAST

Another lonely day for nichkhun, just he and his coffee as a companion, it such a waste he thinks as he look at the window. The weather is nice and he hope he’s out side, walking around in park with a tube of ice cream and a familiar smile, gentle touch and a sweet kiss. Nichkhun sigh and sit back on the couch, turning on the TV and searching for something interesting to watch, but there’s nothing interesting for khun at that moment, and even though his eyes glued at the TV screen his soul is flying free, to the place that only he knows, where the wind blow softly, and the sun shine warmly and everything feels right.

“Jang Wooyoung…” the name come out of no where and nichkhun feels something cold as the name come out from him, a paint in his chest but still he cant help but smiling every time he hears the name. “Jang Wooyoung”

***

Wooyoung is exhausted as he sit back on the cold floor, he watch him self in the mirror in front of him. His hair is a mess and his body full of sweat, he can feel his heart beating faster than usual and pains all over his body. but wooyoung is stubborn, so he ignore all of that, he ignore the pain and throw the image of a familiar face away, but the image is stubborn just like him, it keeps appearing every time he close his eyes, eve after all this years. Wooyoung sigh in frustration as he walks back to his previous position, ready to move his body to the music. Well, off all the things he could do, wooyoung thinks that dance is the best way to calm him down. He like dancing… no he love it, so much that he cant help but dance when he hear the music, wooyoung always thinks like that but now he realize (even though he try not to) that there is something else that he love… more than dancing, because now even though he’s been dancing for hours that ‘something else’ keep appearing in his mind, its frustrating to know that he miss that ’something else’ (perfect face, sweet smile and beautiful eyes) he miss him so much till its hurt, the paint is so bad that dance can help him cure it.

***

Its all start with a simple smile, their meeting was so ordinary. They met at the park, Nichkhun sitting on the bench near the pool and wooyoung sat right in front of him. at first they’re busy with their own activity (khun with his book and woo with his phone) but then as if its already planned, wooyoung look up and so Nichkhun and then their eyes met, it just a brief second, really it was so fast that they almost didn’t realize. But in that brief second they feel the word suddenly moving in a slow motion.

Wooyoung remember how khun’s big brown eyes shining and how the wind blew his hair but he still looks prefect despite the mess of his hair. And Nichkhun remember how wooyoung’s chubby cheek makes he smile because it looks so cute and khun loves cute things, and how wooyoung’s pink lips make his heart beat faster that usual. so in that brief second their life change, and they found themselves fall so deep into each others eyes.

***

A visit to the park become a habit for them, they didn’t  know when it started but they feel the need to go to the park every Sunday, to walk, to get a fresh air or to see an addicting eyes (for wooyoung) or a cute lips (for khun). It became a habit for them, it so important that if they didn’t go… they feel like dying. Khun and woo would sit in their usual palace, busy with their activity, or maybe pretend to… because khun never really read his book but steal a glance at the boy in front of him. This is ridiculous, khun thought but also sweet at the same time, being in love like this, falling in love like a teenager, this is silly but feels so right.

And after a few weeks on stealing glance at each other khun decided to make his move, one day he came to the park and found the boy already sat on his usual spot, ear phone on his ears while his head moving to the music inside his head, Nichkhun cant help but wonder what kind of music he likes. His boy looks cute like usual, his brown hair falling freely to his face and Nichkhun has to hold the urge to tuck it away. This is perfect, Nichkhun thought, just standing right here in this beautiful park, feeling the summer breeze on his face and staring at this cute boy in front of him. Nickhun could do this all day, no he could do this forever just standing here and admiring the beautiful creature God had create, and feel his heart beat faster in every second.

It took a few minutes for Wooyoung before he realize that someone is watching him, he look to the right and then the world is suddenly freezing, it was him… the reason why Wooyoung always go to this park every Sunday despite the fact that he hates going out side, he hate sun in summer time its too hot for his liking. But this guy, the guy with the brightest eyes Wooyoung ever see, change everything. And Wooyoung had to spend his nights thinking of why he did that, why this guy suddenly means a lot for him, why and why…. But still there are no answers.  Wooyoung spend his night remembering every little detail about the guy, especially those beautiful eyes, and Wooyoung found him self falling, he’s been fall for a thousand times… or more, he didn’t know. Wooyoung falls for something in those beautiful brown eyes, something that feels so warm and calming, Wooyoung falls so deep that he cant find his way out, but he doesn’t care because it feels so right and he love it, with every cells in his body, Wooyoung wants to fall even more, he wants to fall deeper and deeper.

***

Their first conversation was so awkward; it started whit a ‘hi’ from Nichkhun and a simple nod from Wooyoung. And Nichkhun realize how every things around him feels so much brighter when he sat next to Wooyoung and shake his hand, and Wooyoung never heard anything as beautiful as Nichkhun voice, it echoed in his head like a music, and the feels of Nichkhun’s hand in him make Wooyoung’s heat beat faster. It just like what he’s been imagine, or even better and Wooyoung would give every thing in this word just to pause that moment. Their conversation continued like any other conversation they had in their life. First they introduce them self to each other, and asking simple question like where do you live and what your favorite music (because Nichkhun was dying to know). By the end of the day they already knew a lot of things about each other, this was weird because they never had this kind of conversation with other, they were eager to know every story, every little detail, and every little secret about each other. Nichkhun know that Wooyoung love to dance, that he move to Seoul with his friend name Junho to achieve their dream, Nichkhun knows that Wooyoung spend his days practicing but he never feels good enough, he Know that Wooyoung is a hard work. And for Wooyoung he know that Nichkhun moved to Korea three years ago, because he fall in love with this country, he love the culture, he love the food he love everything in here, Nichkhun likes to read, his favorite writer is Paulo Choelho, and Nichkhun like to quoting every world in his book. Nichkhun live alone in seoul, he rent an apartemen near the park and work as barista in the small coffee shop near his apartment. Nichkhun love coffee, he needs it every single day or else he’ll turn into a grumpy old man.

Wooyoung finding him self smiling to every words Nichkhun said, this is ridiculous, he thought when he once again smile when Nichkhun told him how hard it is for him to learn Korean when he first come here,   because Nichkhun wasn’t telling him a jokes but Wooyoung wasn’t smiling because its funny, he just did. Time fly so fast that its already dark when they look up to sky, they know it was time to go home, but they sat still, both trying to find something else to ask, to told, so they can continues this conversation. But they stuck, they can’t find any other story to tell, any other question to ask, they can’t find anything in their head to share but still they didn’t want this moment to end.

The wind blow harder this time and the lamp flicker above them, Nickhun could feel Wooyoung’s shoulder touch him when his shifted his body, embracing him self with both his hand, and then nichkhun realize how cold this park feel in the night and Wooyoung wasn’t wear jacket, he must be cold. So Nichkhun sighed, he hate it but he had to… he didn’t want this cute boy beside him caught a cold or something. So Nichkhun pat Wooyoung shoulder and told him that its time to go home, Nichkhun can see the disappointed in Wooyoung’s eyes and Nichkhun hate him self for that. So Nichkhun promise another meeting and Wooyoung nod excitedly.

Nichkhun find him self staring at his ceiling that night, he remembering all the things happen today, remembering Wooyoung, his Wooyoung. Nichkhun found him self falling in love with him, falling head over heels for the boy and he sure that Wooyoung feel the same, he could feel it in the air as they talk, he could hear in every time Wooyoung laugh, he could see it in Wooyoung eyes, and Nichkhun knew the moment Wooyoung smile, its written all over Wooyoung face.

That night they both admitting that they’re in love, that they fall for each other. It’s a deep fall, a never ending fall, but they didn’t trying to stop it. Actually, they don’t want to stop falling.

***

Their first kiss was more awkward than their first conversation, its messy and awkward, but Wooyoung can feel his heart beating so fast that it actually hurt, he closed his eyes so tight and closed his other sense, he focusing his attention on the soft lips against him, tilting his head and opening his mouth to welcome the other tongue to explore, to claiming every inch of Wooyoungs lips. Nichkhun warping his hand around Wooyoung’s waist pulling the other boy closer. this was what he’s been waiting for so long, nichkhun thought, he remember the first day he saw Wooyoung in that park, their park, he remember he fall for Wooyoung’s lips, wanting to touch it wanting to kiss it, imagine how it feel to kiss those delicate lips, and now when he actually did, he realize that it feel really great, it was sweet and calming, the way wooyoung move in his arms, the way wooyoung hand caress his body, the way their body fit perfectly, as it they actually mean for each other. This kiss was amazing, it was beyond his imagination, and Nichkhun cherish every moment wishing that it will never end.

It was the best time in nichkhun life; it was also the best time in Wooyoung life. days filled with smiles, laughs, kisses, and promise about tomorrow, they shared everything together, the dream they’ve been chasing for all their life, the fear that hunt them every night, and any other things that come in their life. They want to stay like this forever, lying on the bed in each others arm, whispering sweet promises and share the not so innocent kiss as they fall even deeper for each other.

***

Their first fight starts with a phone call.

It’s been so good for Wooyoung and Junho, they finally achieve their dream when they won the first place in a competition. Nichkhun remember the night when Wooyoung came home smiling and jumping up and down, Nichkhun never see him this happy before, he even crying in Nichkhuns arm that day, repeating an ‘I love you’ and ‘thank you so much’ in his ears and Nichkhun know that Wooyoung didn’t have to say that, because it Wooyoung deserve it, it was all his effort of years and years practicing, ignoring all the people who looked down on him and continue his practice till he can show then that they are all wrong. Nichkhun remember kissing Wooyoung that night, telling him that he was so proud he was happy for Wooyoung and would always support him, and Wooyoung kissed him back, telling Nichkhun that he’s lucky to have Nichkhun in his side, and he would never ever let him go.

But for the first time things aren’t went as they planned, Wooyoung was so busy he barely came home. It was hard for the both of them to see each other, and Nichkhun miss Wooyoung in every passing day. at night he was lying on his bad staring at the empty space beside him, it feels so cold without Wooyoung in his arms as if something is missing, something so important that it suffocate him. Nihkhun used to think that it was the sacrifice he has to take, that this was the part of his promise to Wooyoung, a promise to always support him. But as the days went by, the burden in his chest grow even heavier, it suffocate him, it takes every breath in his lungs and it hurt so much. He miss Wooyoung and the worst part is knowing that Wooyoung didn’t miss him as much as he misses the other boy.

Nichkhun could see the love that he build slowly shattered down, the love that he so proud of, the one that he always hold close to his heart, because it warming him, it comfort him, it became his strange. Knowing that there was Wooyoung by his side, holding his hand and smiling at him, so sweet, so beautiful and make Nichkhun forget all his fears. Nichkhun could see his love shattered into pieces and Nichkhun did all he can to collected it, but it was so hard without Wooyoung to help him. Nichkhun realize how Wooyoung felt so far away, so distant that his voice can’t reach him anymore. Wooyoung felt so cold, so foreign and Nichkhun miss him even more.

Nichkhun stare at Wooyoung, they are sitting in Nichkhun living room, its been a long time since their last meeting and Nichkhun expecting some private talk, the time for the both of them, he expect Wooyoung to told him story about his new life, how it feel to finally standing in his own stage, dancing to his own audience, the feeling when the world finally recognize him. But Wooyoung was busy with his phone, answering Nichkhun question with a nod as if he didn’t care, as if his phone was more interesting that Nichkhun, and Nickhun realize that something change. Wooyoungs phone ringing again, it’s been ringing for some time and Nickhun can’t help but feel the anger inside of him. For the first time Nichkhun actually yell at Wooyoung, because he couldn’t bear the pain any longer, and it was hurt even more to see Wooyoung sit beside him but he felt so distant, Nichkhun can’t reach for him. Nichkhun burst in anger, he pointed his finger, he scream, he cried, he told Wooyoung to stop, he begged Wooyoung to throw everything and just get back to him. Nichkhun know that this was selfish, that this was wrong, but Nichkhun didn’t care, because he need Wooyoung, he want Wooyoung back in his life. He want Wooyoung to look at once again, with eyes that filled with love, but this time Wooyoungs eyes were dark, filled with disbelieve and disappointment. And Nichkhun realize that it was too late; it was too late to take back everything he just said, too late to say sorry and pull Wooyoung into a hug.

 It was their first fight, it was their last fight. Because Wooyoung left that night, he left without taking anything but Nichkhuns heart. 

***

Wooyoung hate summer, the sun shine too bright it blinding him and the temperature is just too hot to his liking, but what he hate the most is the feel of summer breeze on his face, and all the memories that suddenly appear in the back of his head, like movie, a vary old movie that bring back all those feeling.

Wooyoung sight and shifting in his bed, staring at the wall in front of him. It’s in the middle of the night, and Wooyoung have an early schedule tomorrow but he can’t force him self to sleep,  there’s something bothering him, things that he’s been hiding for so long, memories that he shove to the back of his head and lock it so tight. his busy schedule and all the show he has with Junho distracted him from all those things, the load music and all the screams from fans shifting his attention and Wooyoung feel free, he feels the burden on his chest is gone and its only Wooyoung standing on the stage dancing, moving his body perfectly with the music, unite like a perfect melody. But that feeling is gone as soon as the show end, bringing back all the burden and suffocate him once again. and Wooyoung have to deal with that every single day since he left. Wooyoung have to act like everything is fine, he smiling and lauging through out the day but when he’s alone he break down, he cant stop the tears from falling, he cant stop his heart screaming for help, the paint is so much that Wooyoung actually think that he could die. Wooyoung never know that this is the price he has to pay to achieve his dream, and he always wondering is it even worth? Because Wooyoung isn’t happy, well he was happy when he finally standing on the stage, looking at the people in front of him, screaming, yelling his name and looking at him with so much love, he was happy at that time but it doesn’t feel the same anymore, people are still screaming his name, looking at him with love, supporting him but it feels empty like something is missing, something important, something that he need the most, something that he miss… something like soft brown hair, a sweet tender smile, deep voice calling his name, strong arm warped around him, and those beautiful brown eyes.

***

Wooyoung and Nichkhun are falling, it’s a deep, a never ending fall that hypnotizes them, it’s the fall that they wish will never end. But after awhile they realize that their fall will come to an end, when there no more genuine smile decorating their face, no more kisses welcome them when they wake up in the morning, when they cant feel that warm and comforting arm on each other through the night. And it shuttered them into pieces, broke them beyond repair. But the summer will always come for them, bringing back all those memories and promises that they hold in their heart, maybe some day…. it will be their light, will be their sight  and lead their way to each other. Perhaps, one day.